hellooo it's been awhile, hasn't it?
don't worry, i am not dead.
surely, i disappear a lot, but i am not close to death just yet.
well... i think i should say some things, especially about my absence (especially for the ones who wait for so long) and overall my own personal feelings, and what i will do.
for awhile, i've been on and off with writing. yes, i realized that i barely update.
yes, i realized that people still support me despite the long absence of the author.
did it worry me? yes, it did. but, for these past months, i had forgotten the responsibility to update. not because i am irresponsible, but for my own sake.
overtime, the more popularity my books had received... it definitely taken a toll on my motivation. my own passion became pressure on myself, as i believe that i should make a new chapter on assigned days that i had organized.
but, i sometimes sit... typing away... and i realized that making these chapters had made me forget about what passion is.
i didn't enjoy writing, anymore.
i realized it every time i wrote a new chapter and posted it. despite the support, i still felt disappointed with it.
writing is a hobby/passion of mine. i am supposed to enjoy and love it.
it is something that keeps me sane since i believe that literacy is better to express than openly and directly. i wouldn't say i am quiet, but speaking out with true emotions has always been a difficulty for me and i had used writing to understand myself better.
there is many times where my own emotions had been indirectly addressed in the characters that are portrayed within my story. and i know, many of my readers had felt the same exact pain, despite our own differences or similarities; it is nice to not feel alone for a period of time.
it is heartwarming to know that many people enjoy my stories, as i've spent so much time and my own heart on my works. of course, i am only a amateur writer and in the future, i do not want to be an official writer. although, i like for people to recognize me for my talent, but being an author is not in my interest.
i know, i've been working quietly (despite the occasional messages on the message board) and sometimes updating (once in a damn blue moon); i felt the need to talk to you, my audience, especially when i have another thought in mind.
i cherish these stories, and of course, some of the stories' plot can be disappointing to me. there are many times where i want to rewrite everything. if that is going to happen, i know it will take a long time, and so... i will not rewrite but only edit the chapters that need some fixing up since there is some mistakes/errors.
but, in the future, i hope i can let myself free from the stress and pressure i put myself in. i suppose, this is a redemption for me and i want to start over.
no, i will not leave Wattpad.
despite the whole drama surrounding the dumb tangerine/orange app (what a damn eyesore), i will not leave mainly because this app has been a place for me to freely express ever since. although, my old ass acc is still here and it is very... cringe-worthy... i've seen my improvement since the very beginning and i had realized that way before, i enjoyed writing.
despite how badly written it was... i enjoyed it no matter what. every second of it was a sense of accomplishment and passion.
trust me, i enjoy writing, but i definitely lost the spark of passion intertwined with accomplishing.
the fun and passion of writing had disappeared when i started on this account, and many people had found me and enjoyed my writing. i didn't expect many people to find me, but here we are... many people voting, commenting, reading... it was nice to be recognized.
i enjoyed it, but i had definitely dug myself a grave because of it. i am not saying it is anyone's fault, but i had pressured myself with no end, and it led to me dealing with a difficulty that i can't overcome.
i have many ideas for this book and many others. especially future ones. but, the motivation is never there and sometimes, i had grown afraid of writing new chapters for these stories.
i believed that the new chapters won't be, as good as the previous chapter. this thought is a pest, and i know my perfectionism isn't going to let it go rather easily. however...
i want to start fresh.
start a new account.
no, i will NOT drop the fanfictions that are still ongoing.
no, i will NOT delete any of my other (official) stories. (i may delete one and it's the one-shot book since i want to remake it to something that i would like to go to, for the sake of my comfort).
i will move these stories to my new account. yes, this is going to take some time which may be why there is going to be a long ass pause... but, you all aren't indifferent with that change lmfaooo.
when i move the stories, i will be editing the chapters of the grammatical errors and some parts that may not sit right. and possibly... plot changes.
the stories will be rewritten where i would like to be proud of... you don't mind right? regardless, it will seem like you will have a new story read from me. it's like a remake! the plot will be similar to the old one, but some new parts(?)
like fullmetal alchemist and fullmetal alchemist: brotherhood (aka one of my favorite animes)
of course, it may take some time... but overtime, i will perfect it my own way and be proud of it and hopefully, you will be also despite the changes. MAYBE the plot will not go your way, however... i am the author <3
maybe the remakes will not be as good as the older ones, so i will keep this account for old time sake (personally, i like to see my own improvement). and maybe if you like, you can always compare the plots and the plot changes.
although, i admitted to losing my passion, i still continue to write during my long, silent hiatus. i enjoyed every second of it, and i may write them in the new one-shot book.
i realized that i do not need to pressure myself to motivate myself. i don't need to force myself.
i may find a schedule, but i will not pressure myself in coming up with a new chapter EVERY TIME.
and in the future stories (when the ongoing stories are done), i will put in some more effort and let creativity relieve my stress.
i will let myself enjoy the chapters along with (my) the readers.
i mean, perfectionism is a trait of mine, but i assure you, i won't be putting so much weight on myself where it makes me feel sick about my own writing. there is many times where i had felt insecure or even thinking that my writing had changed in the recent chapters.
but, of course, that is only in my head and my defeated mood all this time.
but, i will truly apologize for my behalf...
i am sorry for always disappearing.
there isn't an exact reason other than feeling unmotivated (and a bit of writer's block) but, i will put in the same effort i did in the very beginning. i am not going to half-ass my works.
well not the exact same, but just a similar effort. i will enjoy my writing and my planning, and simply enjoy the journey alongside with all of you.
i know, i take long, but hey... thank you for waiting.
i say it many times, but i am grateful to have some or most(?) patiently and ALWAYS waiting for a new update. you guys are definitely something...
when i move my stories, i know i will lose my votes/comments/reader ratios or whatever. but, numbers never really mattered. it shouldn't, especially since i am a amateur writer <3
i miss writing and i am glad i had made a decision to find redemption and finally have some motivation to do something about writing.
so... when the new account gets put up, i will make a new chapter in telling you what account it is.
it's going to take awhile, but you guys always have some patience for waiting for an update that takes months lmfaoooo.
thank you, again.
i hope we stay until the very end of our journey (if you will be reading my other stories or stay supporting my account...)
I hope these changes will not change anything between us. I am seriously grateful and i am in your debt, but i believe some of you will wait regardless...
thank you for that really. there is no other words to put it.
and if there is any questions, you can always message me or comment here
yall are patient enough, right? lmfao the waiting game is always so fun </3 (especially when i started classes. lol fml)
i hope you are all doing okay, though. please wear a mask outside and be safe <3