"Tune usse footage kyun di thi?! What if she watched it when I wasn't there? Ek baar baat bhi nhi krti woh Jaane she pehle. Khushal please mujhe yeh khud se krne de." I exclaim moving into his room. He sat up in bed, Jasmine already beside him clearly indulged in conversation.
Si - "I-I'm sor"
K - "koi baat nhi bhai, hum vaise bhi sanu ki baat hi kr rahe the. Subah se pagalon ki tarah ghum rahi hai. I thought firse Ladayi ho gyi."
I sigh sitting in the chair across from the bed. This morning was just like last night. The same fallen face, tear stains and most of all anger in addition to the guilt I'd already felt. I'd successfully ruined this wedding for her. Just like I'd always done with everything else. I wanted to cry.. just like I'd done this morning; wrapped in her arms. But I couldn't. I couldn't make her take care of my mess. It was something I should do myself. The guilt of hurting her was enough to deal with. That would only increase it.
"Bheed hai yahaan magar
Shor toh hai nahi
Ghum humein tha magar
Ghum abhi hai nahi
Tu kahin aur hai
Main kahin aur hoon
Door hai hum magar
Hai nahi hum juda"
I moved downstairs finding exactly what I'd knew I would. She sat by the stairs along with Maa, feeding Raunak, Riyan and Riyaz right beside her eating on their own. The smile spread across her face hiding away everything I'd seen last night. The anger, breaking point, and still caring despite it all. I hadn't expected her to let me stay. I didn't really know what I'd expected. My heart wanted it to lay out perfect and her to forgive me at the instant because it never happened, my mind though knew it wasn't possible. I wouldn't be able to either. Not instantly. I moved towards them taking a seat beside her as she continued feeding Raunak who jumped into my lap, continuing the conversation they were having. The reality of it made me wince. This was what could've been. Perhaps even our own little one. A family. Maa gave me a questioning look, I shook my head trying my best to assure her nothing was wrong. I couldn't bring myself to tell her. Not now; not ever. The hall soon filled up, mostly the kitchen and tables for breakfast. The remainder filled with kids racing around along with Baaz and Khushal who could easily be confused as kids as well. I still sat here, not having had any conversation whatsoever. Raunak moves away a few minutes later joining the other two on stage. Maahi and Jai, sat a few seats away, not helping the situation in any way. Maa moves sitting in between us along with mumma. They both somewhere knew what was up. Mothers always did.
SIM - "At least baat to krlo agar saath baithe hi ho to. Sab Dekh rahe hai idhar hi"
SM - "Wohi toh aise lg hi nhi raha ki tum dono shaadi mein aaye ho. Itni udaas shakal kyun bnayi hai dono ne?"
I looked over at her before going to speak. She hushed me midway, clearly not wanting them to know. "Mumma Aap yeh btao ki agar aap dad ko kbhi bhi kisi cheez se mnna kre toh woh maante hai na? Aur maa, papa bhi aapki maante the kyun ki woh trust tha ki koyi reason k Kaaran hi bola hoga right?"
SM - "Haan toh maanenge na puttar.. agar har cheez hum dono apne hi mnn se krein toh Rishta Kaise nibhega?"
SIM - "dono ko maan na parta hai bacha. Nhi toh choti choti baat pe jhagde honge.."
S - "Agar woh dono baat na maan ke, apse ussi insaan ya wajah ke kaaran huyi kisi misunderstanding ki wajah se aap se rishta todh dete aur fir baad mein 5-6 saal baad aa kr wajah btake apse maafi maangte toh aap maaf kr dete?"
I looked at her, meeting her eyes and the hidden pain behind them. She asked the question with a masked ease. The smile on her face not dropping for even a second. I hated myself even more realizing just how stupid I'd been once again. Ignoring each and every warning or plead to stop talking to her was a choice I'd made. One I couldn't deny even if I wanted to. A past I couldn't change. Perhaps I was too busy having fun to even realize what all I'd lose because of it. I liked seeing her anger, the sheer emotions she'd let out as soon as we were alone made me want to do it again and again and hence here I sat. The two mother figures in my life looking at me in surprise. Most likely having figured wtf happened 5 years ago. There was only a month left until it'd be 6 years. Just like the past 5 I'd be locked up in my room. Alone. A life I'd chosen for myself. I'd tried everything to try and forget that day but it never worked. Now knowing how stupidly gullible I'd been myself I didn't know what that day would bring. Crying was surely there but the piercing guilt? Not even imaginable. I looked back at the 3 ladies,
Sitting with nothing but questions written all over their faces. "Krna nhi chahti toh bhi krdeti. Pyaar cheez hi aisi hai Bacha. App ke mutabik kuch nhi chalta pyaar mein. Dil pe dimag nhi chal skta. Gussa bhi usi or krte hai jis se pyaar ho. Agar 5 saal baad bhi gussa ho toh maafi already de di hai tune. Khud ko dard mat de." Maa mumbled patting her hair. Mumma smiled giving a response along the same lines, both throwing daggers at me as the locked tears escaped from Shenaaz's eyes. They walked away moments later, Shehnaaz getting up with them but walking the opposite way. I follow, trying my best to not make it obvious. Surprisingly enough we land back in the parking, right at her car. She didn't drive away, nor sat in her car. Instead stood at the cold wall clenching the kurta she had on in her hand. I stood a few feet away, not wanting to hear everything I knew she'd say. I deserved it. Hell I deserved to let her beat me blue and purple. My heart broke seeing her lean on the wall, dropping to the floor. Face completely emotionless. The tears from before subdued. Almost like reality hit her hard in the face. I could tell why she was acting like this. What maa said was true. She still loved me. And that.... that was a pain I never saw coming my way. I couldn't be happy about it. Not if it gave her the silence she was given right now. I hated seeing her sad. Her and silence were two poles that shouldn't ever connect. She was supposed to be chirpy, loud, extra even but never quiet. I wanted her to cry loud. Like she usually did. To let out the anger buried inside. I walked over pulling her up into my arms. She let me, not once looking at me or even saying a word. Her hands hung at her sides, not wrapping around my neck like the night before. I walked out a few meters sitting her in my car before getting in myself. I needed this sorted out and that too today.
Si - "Paani chahiye?"
She sighs rolling down her window before facing outside. The music system turned on a few seconds later. I couldn't help but fall back into the ditch because of the lyrics. Perhaps people we're right Arijit Singh definitely had the ability to make you ride out your emotions with just his voice.
"Paas aaye
Dooriyaan phir bhi kam naa hui
Ek adhuri si hamari kahani rahi
Aasmaan ko zameen, ye zaroori nahi
Jaa mile... jaa mile...
Ishq saccha wahi
Jisko milti nahi manzilein... manzilein..."
I looked over at her, catching the lone tear she quickly swept away. This was always one of her favourite songs. One she loved listening to just because of the lyrics. She believed in love strongly enough but her belief in falling in love truly only once was stronger. I still remembered her observations and perspective on second love and divorce. Two things she found baseless because of reasons of her own. She never had anything against it but she was adamant on never having either in her own life. Simply a choice. Divorce wasn't her way to go because she believed thAt if you always kept in mind that it was the two of you against the world, or the reason why you fell in love, it's never even be a question as long as the relationship carries mutual love and respect. As per falling in love again... she and everyone who knew her knew how she loved. The depth of it was the thing she knew she wouldn't repeat for someone else even if her first was left incomplete.
"Rang thhe, noor tha
Jab kareeb tu tha
Ek jannat sa tha, yeh jahaan
Waqt ki ret pe kuch mere naam sa
Likh ke chhod gaya tu kahaan
Hamari adhuri kahani
Hamari adhuri kahani"
The accuracy of the stanza hurt in itself. She was my entire life and the meaning behind it. The only person with the ability to bring colour and fun into my plain life.
I took a deep breath trying my best to keep my eyes from clouding.
"Khushbuon se teri yunhi takra gaye
Chalte chalte dekho na hum kahaan aa gaye
Jannatein agar yahin
Tu dikhe kyon nahin
Chaand suraj sabhi hai yahaan
Intezar tera sadiyon se kar raha
Pyaasi baithi hai kab se yahaan
Hamari adhoori kahaani
Hamari adhoori kahaani"
I put my hand against her knee, wanting her to spare me even one raw look. But she didn't. Completely denying to show she felt any sort of emotion in my presence. Like always turning pin drop silent when the pain inside was brewed. Her phone rang multiple times but not one moved her stance. Seemingly having completely given up on caring for anything.
"Pyaas ka ye safar khatam ho jayega
Kuch adhura sa jo tha poora ho jayega
Jhuk gaya aasmaan
Mill gaye do jahaan
Har taraf hai milan ka samaa
Doliya hain saji, khushbuein har kahin
Padhne aaya Khuda khud yahaan...
Hamari adhuri kahani
Hamari adhuri kahani"
I pull into the empty beach look over. Not a lot of people knew about this place. It was our getaway, any time we needed time completely alone. I stop the car, getting out and walking over to her side. She sat still, not moving out even as I opened the door. "Baat kr skta hu Tere se? Ache se, no secrets I promise. Please Aaja?" I mumble taking her hand in mine, pressing much hand into hers. She didn't hold it or push it back, letting it simply just be. She moved out hastily walking over to the edge and grabbing a seat. Her giving no verbal response felt wrong. Almost wrong enough to make me drive back, let this conversation go.
Si - "Maa ki baat ka burah Lgga? Main keh doon unhe-"
S - "Maa ki baat ka kabhi burah nhi lg skta. Woh bol skti hai mujhe kuch bhi. Burah toh khudka naseeb lgta hai. Ajj fir... main Tere pyaar mein pagal ho rahi hi aur tu Nahi. Dum ghut ta hai aise rehne mein Tere saath."
Si - "Main bolta nhi hu toh is ka matlab mujhe farak Nhi parta? Mujhe bhi dukh hai Shehnaaz. Sunna hai toh bol dunga ki Tune mera poora dimag khraab kr diya hai. Maa ki hi puchle.... woh Sidharth jo Tere saath tha ajj nhi hai. Kisi ke paas bhi nhi hai."
"Tu ek baar bol nhi skta tha? Ek baar bol kr toh dekhta. Dauri chali aati vaapis... Chahe sach na bhi pta lgta toh bhi. Har baar vaapis aayi main. Kyun ki ek tu hi mujhe mere liye pyaar krta tha.. nhi khona tha mujhe woh. Ek tu hi tha jo duniya ki tarah mujhe badal ne k liye nhi kehta tha. Instead you were proud of who I was. Sab kuch tha tu mera. The only form of protection I'd ever witnessed, the only person who was possessive of me because he didn't want to lose me. You were my definition of love. And then you left. Just like that. You left. Completely cut me off. Pushed me away. And now you're telling me that this was the reason? Something you weren't even sure about?!sidharth main tujhe chhodne ki baat bhi krti thi toh tu do din mere se Naaraz rehta tha... tune toh sach mein chhoda hai mujhe. For almost 6 damn years" she blurted out still with her face clear of any emotion. I sat down next to her not having any answer to give her.
Si - "I love you. Main kabhi nhi kehta tha aur shayad aagey bhi na kahun but I love you. Pyaar matlabi nhi ho skta lekin main hu. Mujhe Teri nafrat nhi chahiye thi toh isiliye Maine pehle hi thoda door krna chaha. Lekin tu poori ki poori chali gyi. Sahi bhi tha. Tera jaana sahi tha. Mera jaane dena galat. Pta hai ki Rok skta tha. Rokna chahta bhi tha kyunki tu sach mein jaan hai meri. You left with me captivated in yourself. Vaapas aana aasaan nhi tha. I was scared of you. Bohut zyada. I thought you'd move on. Tu popular thi. Beautiful without a doubt. Achayi ki toh baat hi nhi karunga. I'd made myself believe that you deserve better-"
S - "Without thinking that the better I deserve could be you. Look Sidharth... I can't come back. Aise bilkul bhi nhi. It's suffocating me. Tere paas aane se khud ko nhi rok skti. I can't help but love you.. woh tujhe bhi pta hai. Kal ke baad I have to leave for a shoot. 3 weeks. Agar uske baad-"
"I'll come pick you up. Chahe 3 saal k liye chali ja I'll be right here. Intezaar krne mein problem nhi hai mujhe as long as I'll get you on the other side." I mumbled looking right into her eyes. She smiled. A happier smile than usual. That was enough for me. I didn't give her tears this time. That was more than enough. "Call toh kr skta hu na? Just don't cut me off... I beg of you. Don't separate yourself from me." I mumble softly pulling her hand into mine. She shook her head letting her fingers wrap around mine. We were far from okay but that didn't matter. This was good for now. We still had multiple conversations to get through. Stuff to redo, rekindle. The love was still alive between us even if we didn't show so.
S - "Woh kal... I'm sorry.. I shouldn't have kissed you like that. Tu mujhe comfort kr raha tha and i-"
I sighed looking away. There was the regret I knew would be on the way. She regretted letting herself find comfort in me in her own way. I wanted to yell, let her know that I didn't mind but I couldn't. Who was I to decide if she should've or not. "I don't regret letting you kiss me. I wanted that." I whisper not able to hold back after her constant display of regret. She looked at me almost giving one of her smiles. The genuine ones. I remembered how much she'd always wanted these simple words or just confessions of how I felt. I made a note to let myself do it more often. I knew what I was going to do wasn't right. Not at all. Not even in a parallel world but it felt right. I wanted it and I'd she'd ever taught me anything than it was to always do what you want. Always. I looked at her in the eyes one last time before leaning forward. My lips lingering right over hers. They'd touch if I moved even a centimetre. "Can I?" I mumble backing away just an inch, wanting her not to regret. Her eyes were clenched shut, lips slightly parted, breathing just as heavy as anytime I'd come close. I waited until her eyes opened looking into mine for an extra minute before giving me a slow nod. The soft curve on her lips almost missable. It took me no longer than 5 seconds to take her lips back into mine. Suck the entire life out of them. Making up for the years we'd missed. My heart felt home. A home where I could leave all my worries and return go to the carefree self I was. Except this time...
This time it'll be different.
"Tere siva kuch main nahi
Khamoshiyon mein teri
Dhoondon main baatein nayi
Taqdeerein padhna meri
Har lafz mein tu basi"