Trigger Warning: Panic Attack (Do Not Read if this is a trigger, stay safe everybody!)
I'm texting my mom when I first hear about him.
We've just been talking about my day, which had gone pretty well, up until that point. I'd spent it mentoring one of the junior rangers about invasive flora in the park and supervising the removal of a couple of specimens.
The kid asked a lot of questions, but she seems like she's genuinely happy to have an internship here, which makes me so happy. Seeing new people with an interest in the trees is such a wonderful thing.
I wonder if that's how ranger Gus felt, back all those years ago.
Anyways, my mom's saying that she's so proud of how far I've come from high school, and then all of the sudden she's just mentioning the casual fact that 'Oh yes, Jared Kleinman is back in town, I was talking to his mom just today,' and then I can't focus on her next message.
________________________________________________________________________________
Because Jared is back in town, which is so bad for so many reasons, because Penfield isn't tiny, but it's not huge either, and he probably knows I still work at Ellison Park, and he might come there, and what would I say to that? Or he might not, and I would be able to avoid him but then I'd feel so guilty about avoiding him, because it's not like he's the one whose fault it is.
The fact also remains that my mom has been talking to his, which is bad, very bad, because that means that she's still in contact, although why would she stop talking to her friend just because her son had a falling out with her son? But what if my mom decides that we need to start hanging out again, and Jared has to hang out with me, even though I don't want to, except I do, but he's obviously trying to move on from me (which makes it sound like we dated) and why should I deny him that?
In conclusion, Evan Hansen is once again fucked due to his own inability to be a decent person sometimes.
I mean, that's not exactly true, as Chris would say. They'd remind me that 'I tried to fix what I did, but some things just can't be fixed'. And I'd sit on that uncomfortable couch that I wanted to lie down on so badly, and blink because of the bright lighting and try to make eye contact, except I would fail, and then in the end I'd just nod my head and say okay quietly, and they'd make a note on their clipboard, and I would stare out the window uncomfortably.
See, part of me wants to hope that Jared and I were close enough to have some sort of ability to rebuild our friendship, that he would be into that or whatever, but the other part of me recognizes that that's stupid, of course it's stupid, because it was very clear in high school that he didn't want me around, but I had to stick around, because he was the only person I had.
Then an alert tone pings and I look down at my phone to see my mom's worried "You haven't messaged back for ten minutes, is everything all right?" and I fumble with my phone, trying to respond, because I don't want her getting suspicious, and then talking to Chris, and then the two of them realizing that Evan is lying, and Evan is definitely not getting better, and Evan needs even more pills.
But what's a natural response? It's not like me to just stop in the middle of a conversation like that unless something happened, and she knows that, and she also knows that Absolutely Nothing Happens To Evan Hansen, ever.
In the end I settle for a "I was cooking something and it needed tending to." which should be good enough except then she asks what I was cooking and I have to tell her and then I have to say that I simply have to shower, and goodbye, and I love you.
And then I go sit on the floor of my shower underneath the water and feel bad about lying to her yet again, because clearly Evan Hansen Lying is some sort of Autumn Olive, some sort of terrible plant that can be burned away or pulled from the ground, but somehow is able to come back and grow again. And that's a whole entire other thing to be worried about.
Nothing lasts forever, of course, and that fortunately includes panic attacks. After another ten minutes of panic, it slowly subsides, and I stand up and go through the motions of showering and dry off and put on my pajamas. It's not as though I'll be able to focus tonight.
And that was Friday.
_____________________________________________________________________________
There are no mentions of Jared for a few days, and then a week, and then another, and I don't forget about it, but I don't think about it as much either.
It seems my mother hasn't figured out what happened then, either. I go to Chris three days later for my weekly therapy appointment, almost expecting them to ask me about what happened, because my mother 'noticed I was acting strangely'.
(This happened once, my junior year of college, and while she was right, I silently resented her for telling Chris, who then had a long conversation with me that went along the lines of 'People care about you, don't hide stuff from them'.)
But Chris just shakes my hand and welcomes me to their office, and just like that, things seem a bit better.
Nobody else knows about what happened. I'm fine with that.
Then all of the sudden, it's the Sunday before Thanksgiving.
It's one of the supreme facts of the universe: Evan Hansen has Terrible Luck {And This is Mostly His Fault}.
Apparently, the universe likes to punish Evan Hansen when he forgets this, even for a day.
Mom is texting me once again, and this time it's about Thanksgiving. When I was in high school, we never celebrated it, at least not that much: mom had a shift, and maybe when she got home we'd heat up some Trader Joe's stuffing and eat pie and hang out for a bit.
Recently, she's been having a reduced schedule, so all of the sudden, Thanksgiving is a 'family event', except it's just going to be her and me and Paul, because we don't really have an extended family and he doesn't have on either. Or if he did, he hasn't told us about them yet.
I wasn't that excited for it to begin with, even though mom assured me it was going to be super casual, and that I didn't need to bring anything, and to not worry about it in the slightest.
Anyways, we're talking about it over text, when she asks me if she can call me. (It's quickly followed up by a message telling me that nothing's wrong, she just wants to talk over the phone, but that doesn't help, because she knows I don't do well with talking on the phone for so many reasons, even though I've gotten better, so obviously, something's up.)
Of course, I say she can.
She calls me a moment later, and the call connects quickly, fortunately.
"Hello, honey!" My mom's voice rings through my phone, bright and cheery, like it almost always is these days.
"Hi." That sounded short, I know it did. She's going to think something's up, except there isn't, and then I won't be able to form words, and -
"I'm glad we can talk over the phone right now, sweetie. I've got some good news for you, okay?"
Good news?
"Oh, um, that sounds... really good."
"Oh, I'm glad, sweetie. So I was talking with Isabel about our little Thanksgiving celebration, and she let it slip that she and Jared aren't going to be doing anything this year,"
_______________________________________________________________________________
Shit shit shit shit shit shit.
"and she hasn't done anything since her divorce with Ethan, and it's Jared's first year back, so I just thought it might be nice,"
My breathing spreads up and I grab a blanket from next to me and place it over my mouth so my mom doesn't hear how loud it's gotten.
"if we invited them over for Thanksgiving, because they're almost like family. Is that okay, sweetie?"
"Yeah, um," I say, "That sounds really.... er... fun."
Except my voice trails off a lot towards the end because it doesn't sound fun, or good, or nice, or enjoyable.
"Are you sure, sweetie? I know you and Jared had a falling out in the end of high school, and I should've asked you before I asked Isabel."
And, well, mom, that's one way to put the pressure on me, because no, you're right, I did have a falling out, and we haven't made up from that, and it'll be so awkward, because the adults (I mean, we're also adults, but the older adults, or the parents, or whatever) will think that we can mend things and we can't because I tried and it didn't work because I fucked things up too much.
But it sounds like she wants us to do this, and I know she's been planning this for weeks, even though she wants us to think it's not a big deal to her, but it's so obvious that she's finally found a way to have our family the way it should've been for her, and I ruined so much. Who would I be to deny that now, especially for her, when she's done so much for me?
So I'll say yes.
I mute myself and talk out loud.
"Okay Evan," I say to myself, "Yes. Yes is not a hard word, just be natural and you'll be... fine... really fine and good, unlike everything else."
I take a deep breath and unmute myself.
"Yes," I say, and then I wince, because that sounds so peppy and fake, she'll figure it out right away.
"Okay," she says. "Well, I'd love to talk more with you, sweetie, but I know the phone is hard, so I'll hang up."
"Okay, I think I'll go... I mean not like I want to get rid of you, but I need to shower and stuff... uh yeah."
She laughs, and I don't regret saying yes, because she sounds so happy.
"Bye, sweetie," she says, hanging up, because I've always worried about hanging up.
I put the phone down and try to take a deep breath.
I don't think I'll be sleeping much tonight.
________________________________________________________________
Summary 1: Evan panics over the fact that Jared is back and his mom is in touch. When he doesn't respond, she gets worried, which prompts him to lie about the panic attack. This then segues into yet another about deceiving his mom.
Summary 2: Evan starts panicking when he realizes his mom has invited Jared to Thanksgiving. However, to not make her feel bad he decides to agree to it, even though he doesn't want to. Heidi is pleased by this, and they end the phone call.
A/N: Hey there everybody, sorry for updating a little late. I've been really busy today and I think I just swallowed an ant so that's fun.
(That's not a normal occurrence, I swear.)
Anyways, how's your day been?
Stay safe everybody, I love you all.
Your dearest author,
Angie
Word Count: 1775