Gifty
Lagos, Nigeria
"Ema binu sir. Ejo, mo ma san owo yin pe!"
There were only very few times I spoke my native language, Yoruba: when there was an urgent matter at hand and English language was to no avail and if I had to insult someone with my mother in which situation, Yoruba dialect was always the sweetest to converse in.
Now, it was the former.
I'd stood at the bus stop for roughly an hour after music school lessons looking hither and thither for a taxi but to no avail. The one I had managed to find after exercising my already weary legs had one passenger in it that was soon to reach her destination.
I hopped in, thankful for the miracle that had taken a century to come.
I was frustrated and tired. All I wanted that afternoon was to go home and get a good dose of an evening slumber but it was as though, everything was structured that day not to work in my favor.
Music lessons that afternoon already did a good job in adding to my stress. The tutor gave us an earful, reminding us of how the global music competition was drawing nearer by the day. The pressure was high on every student. Blisters filled the hands of the harpists and violinists like me from excessive hours of endless practice.
My best friend, Kosi and I were amongst the few instrumentalists who were going to remain in Nigeria for the global competition while the rest were posted to various countries across the globe. I didn't know if it was good or bad news. It meant that there was still a chance for me to see Gaius but on the other hand, I was getting sick of Zion. He was adding to my stress. He got meaner to me by the day.
Mrs. Karen got nosier too strangely after I asked for her advice about my relationship issues. She never asked me questions but I could see the curiosity in her eyes, waiting to be fed by any clue I left around carelessly due to subconsciousness.
None of the above were great. That I was going to stay back in Nigeria didn't guarantee a closure between Gaius and me. He had the nerve to ghost on me for two weeks. Fourteen days. Three hundred and thirty-six hours!
It was unbelievable that he could treat me like I didn't exist. He felt too good a person to leave like that with no explanation as to why. I wasn't even able to find out if it was something unforgivable that I had done or if it was my personality that was too much to handle. I always tried hard to be good to him but I figured that perhaps, you can't 'nice' your way into being loved.
Maybe he never loved me. But that wasn't too likely. I couldn't say he used me because never for once did I feel empty, unheard, or belittled in my relationship with him. I was blaming myself and overthinking it all. Providing answers that he didn't give me.
I wished to know what he switched up on me like that. Even if it turned out to be my fault, I just wished to know why.
I had these thoughts and problems roaming all over my mind intrusively, adding to the physical stress that was already heavy on me when I finally spotted a taxi that I could board, only for me to be twenty minutes into my journey for home, amidst the heavy Lagos traffic when I looked through the window and saw him.
It wasn't someone of a strict resemblance to him that I had seen. It wasn't my illusion of him. Neither was it an ordinary back view that looked similar to his. It was him I had seen under the afternoon sunlight, walking briskly by a street on the other side of the road, that led to an unknown place.
How my eyes had shifted to the window side was so casual, as though my retina had gotten that stimuli that needed to see what had to be seen and immediately, the tiredness I was feeling heavy, wore off my body like sweat and like a madwoman in corporate clothes, I started to hit the roof of the taxi, nearly making the driver lose his bearing on the road.
Then, I started to beg him to let me alight from the taxi with rapid breathing. With the anger flashing in his eyes, I could tell that the reason why he wasn't yelling at me like the madwoman that I was was that I was a young girl which might be too harsh a thing to do. So, I went further and spoke in my native tongue, pleading with him to not be offended and promising to pay the full transportation fare already discussed.
Reluctantly, he turned off the ignition so he wouldn't waste fuel unnecessarily and allowed me to alight from his taxi after paying him. I jumped out, running in between the hot engine and fumes emitting from the other vehicles on the road.
Many honked angrily as angry Lagosians that they were just from seeing a young girl, sprinting across the road with no caution. Not like they cared for my life per se. They were probably just startled. I'd nearly ran into a hawker within my age range who sold fresh orange. I couldn't imagine what I would have had to deal with if the tray toppled off her head making the perishable goods, perished before any of them reached the prospective customers that were the pedestrians.
I kept my pace till I was out of the busy road and had successfully crossed onto the other side of the road with Gaius still within my view, walking briskly down the street that led to the city's plaza, I discovered.
What was he doing here? I thought I would never be able to see him again from what I heard from his colleague at the basketball court.
Thankfully, he was oblivious to the madness that had occurred behind him telling from how he walked, no urgency spotted which meant that I was at an advantage. He would not be able to hide once I'm able to get him so I walked fast instead of running like I previously was. I didn't want to get weary before coming face-to-face with him.
It was crazy. People who passed by were gasping, eyes trained on the young girl who was running after a man on the open streets of Lekki Tollgate instead of running after good grades. Typical African eyes. I knew it well without having to study it with my eyes but I didn't care. After all, my mom was friends with none of their nosy posteriors so they could judge all they wanted. I continued to walk fast, the sun scorching mercilessly down the violin bag slung on my shoulders.
I was getting closer to him because his view was getting clearer now. The gigantic plaza from afar off was also coming closer to view. I was pretty close to his retreating back almost the trekking passers-by that all I had to do was touch him but when I tried to reach out for his frame, my hand suddenly got yanked away by a passerby with a heavy bag slung on his back.
Frustrated and tired from covering a long distance, I clenched my fists with glistening teary eyes. It was as though he had even gotten the clue that I was near and he became out of my sight and reach the next moment. I walked past the passerby, hoping I had pushed him away with the anger boiling in me.
I'd come this far and I must get the explanation I deserve. I can't lose him. If something had made me see him, then it had to be because today was the day predestined for me to get a revelation. To know why. Finally, I could see him again.
He was heading towards the basketball court from the estate he had walked into. Since I couldn't lose him now, I yelled his name at the top of my lungs. Thankfully, the estate was void of people and many buildings.
"GAIUS!"
He stopped in his tracks and clenched his hands. I saw him. He couldn't act like he didn't know it was me calling him. That was how I knew I hadn't sprinted in vain. So, I took that as an opportunity to gather the last strength left in me and covered up the inches left between us, and when I came face-to-face with him, tears cascaded down my cheeks. He was doing his best not to look at me but I saw his face even when the estate buildings had served as a shade from the sun.
His face was so red and lean that it made me want to give him a warm, comforting hug but I could not afford to.
"What do you think you're doing by leaving me without telling me why?"
I was panting heavily as I got a grip on his jacket, pinching his arm even. He didn't say a word. He simply moved his jaw a little and looked away some more. I shook his arm with my shaky one and slapped his chest, the hardest I could.
"ANSWER ME GAIUS! I have only a little time for your bullshit!" I yelled. My head throbbed harshly.
"I don't want you to see me anymore. That's why I avoided you. Can't you see the obvious?" He looked at me now and his gaze was sharp but the tears in his eyes contradicted the coldness in his voice. "Why did you run all the way here to see me?"
"Because I want to why. Answer the question I asked you, Gaius. Let me know your reason so I can leave you. Answer me."
I slapped his chest even harder but it was effective as spanking a mountain. Stubborn idiot. If he doesn't talk, I won't leave. I have all the time to waste today. My mother isn't at home waiting for me. Zion seemed like he wouldn't care less if I came home late or not. So, I have to make Gaius talk now that the universe has given me the perfect opportunity.
"I have enough time to spend here with you. Cut the crap and save your own time. Don't think I will leave without knowing your answer. The truth."
He looked at me again and slackened a bit. My eyes were ready to excrete excessive tears but he managed to remain cold despite the queue of emotions in his face, waiting in line to be tested. I knew he was about to say something very harmful.
"So you want to know?"
"Yes, " I swallowed, wiping my tears and releasing my fickle grip on him. We found a patio to settle in. Thankfully, no one came to disturb us. Only feral cats walked by slowly across the smooth road, belonging to foreigners.
There was barely any place in Lagos that wasn't always full of people but this was an avenue for the filthy rich people so it was of little amusement to me that it was a noiseless and serene place. The perfect avenue to talk. It was even a Saturday and basketball doesn't open on weekend afternoons.
I looked at him once we settled, nudging him to tell me his reason. And he did.
"I was a rapist. I used to move with a gang of boys who raped and assaulted young girls."
He said it very, very lamely. His flat tone didn't match the gravity of his news. As though, there was every iota of confidence he could find in his confession, knowing it would make me leave him alone for sure. Even if he was telling a lie. An expensive one. Everyone is scared of rapists and I just might be among those set of people.
But I looked into his eyes again. I couldn't read the emotion behind them but I knew Gaius never told lies nor made expensive jokes. He either said the truth or kept mute. Even I was wrong about my perception of him, I was certain that he could tell a lie like this at this particular moment just because he wants me to leave him alone. But what on earth was...
"I hope you are well aware of what you are saying to me right now?"
"You want the truth, " he answered coldly without even bothering to look at me. I didn't want him to either. I swallowed. "This is why I've been avoiding you for the longest time now. I want to rectify my bad deed even though I know that's not completely possible. I moved with a group of boys who molested and raped girls. I was forced into the gang. I know that doesn't sound very realistic but I was forced, subtly. They made me rape a thirteen-year-old girl, twelve years ago. When I realized what I did, I made the resolve to never do it again. I confessed to my Dad. He took me back to our hometown in Australia and cautioned me not to tell anyone. Word got to me later on that some members of the gang got arrested for that deed– the one I partook in.
I wanted to go back to Nigeria immediately to pay for my sins but my Dad didn't let me. I confessed to him because I reasoned that he would punish me adequately but instead, he took me away and so I lived in Australia for many years, guilt-stricken and empty. Then, I met you. I didn't want us to get too close so I wouldn't break your heart because I knew I was feeling something out of the ordinary for you but I couldn't resist you.
You made me want to come back to Nigeria and I did, irrespective of my Dad's take, and when I came back, I found out that two of the gang members were in prison. I made the resolve to turn myself in after knowing that. I've been a fugitive for the longest time. I spent each day, knowing that I could get caught and so I awaited it valiantly but when that day didn't come, I decided to do it myself. I wanted to pay for my atrocities as soon as I can because I was rotting away.
So, I visited the prison and met one of them. Told him I was going to join him soon. Word got to my Dad about the move I made and he's doing everything in his power to stop me. I've been trying to redeem myself, hoping you would never get to know these things and hoping I would go to prison before my dad can stop me. I hoped that you would hate me and leave me alone if you eventually found out or not which is why I avoided you."
I couldn't believe my damn ears. I couldn't. I didn't want to. I didn't want to believe that my boyfriend was amongst those six boys who raped my aunt. Those boys that my mother would do anything to find and murder with resentment so deep. She'd traveled to Germany because of the same issue so I didn't need anyone to lecture me on how determined she was.
I could remember vividly how I would always tell my aunty Ebun when I was much younger that if I could find any of those evil boys, I would help my mother get the person. At that time, I wasn't aware of what they did to her but the criminals were discussed very often and I hated the pain that flashed on my aunt's face whenever the topic was discussed so little I knew they were bad people.
My aunt never took me seriously whenever I said that and I always felt bad. When I grew up and realized that the topic was still very much under discussion, I realized that it would mean a lot to my aunt if the six of them could be severely dealt with. The way I had even found out that they raped her was one evening when I eavesdropped on their conversation by accident.
Since then, my mum knew that I knew. She wished I wouldn't but it was too late. But from that day onwards, I began to wish I could catch at least one of them so I could take away a slice of the pain that my aunt was feeling.
But now, I didn't want to believe that this was my life. I never felt the need to imagine that it would be difficult for me to catch one of those boys. Impossible? Maybe yes. But if I was able to know one of them, then why not? What's would be so difficult about gathering evidence and snitching to my mother?
There wasn't a need to think in that direction because rapists were animals and had to be treated as such but the man of my dreams being one of them? I never imagined that. I never thought that would be my life. How swift that moment is when your life becomes a different life.
How could it ever be?
There were too many emotions I wanted to feel at once and the easiest way was to cry it all out if that was impossible but I didn't cry. Crying was too ordinary an expression for the kind of deadness I felt on the inside.
Everything was still, watching me drown to the deepest depths of nothingness without a rescue. This was all too bitter to be the truth. There was nothing believable nor acceptable about it.
I lost my balance, the tiredness that once wore off my body came back with full throttle. I didn't know what to say to him. I didn't feel the need to. I just held his arms tightly and I fell on my knees.
And I cried and cried and cried.
So much for resorting to an expression that was the least on your list.
His chest heaved at intervals. He was crying too. Why? Why was he crying? Was he regretting ever raping my aunt? Why regret?
So he did it.
How foolish of me to still have hoped somewhere in my mind that Gaius was being an idiot for the first time since I knew him.
When I continued to cry, my unbelief started to wash away. I had to accept it all. My life had changed dramatically within zero point zero one seconds and I had to act like it was fine; like I was prepared for it.
And so, before I could mentally cross-check my words, I said them.
"I know of a safer way to turn yourself in. Meet me at my school in four days."