Si - "Why are you crying? Baby.. I'm sorry maine-"
S - "Sidharth.. please can we go to the hotel? Mujhe sona hai"
I nodded softly pulling her to the car. I was already shocked at how she'd panicked when I'd drove down the road. I didn't know why it was or even what it was but I knew it had to do with why she took those pills. Khushal said there's be something in the footage but I couldn't get myself to waych more than our entry. The smile and blush in her face. The unfiltered Shehnaaz. My Shehnaaz. And then the entire bachelorette... I wanted to shoot that dude for touching her like that. I'd run to the venue like a mad man, Khushal being smart enough to bring me the car. I couldn't see her in someone else's arms. Not even if I knew I'd done that too tease her all the time. Now I knew how it felt. Or maybe just a small percentage of what she went through. I was so tempted to kiss her the moment we were on the free road but I couldn't. I watched the raindrops feel each inch my lips yearned to be on but I couldnt do anything. Thanks to my own idiotic self. We reached the hotel and I found her already asleep. Completely dozed off, the fear from moments before still tensing her face. I cupped it softly enough to not wake her, rubbing off the remnants of her tears. I'd made her cry way too much. Much more than I'd like to admit to. "Shehnaaz?... baby? Uth. Hotel" I mumbled as she blinked open her eyes. Not too sure of where to look.
S - "T-Tu mere saath aayega? Room tak please? Wo-h..."
Si - "Car Park kr kr aau?"
She nodded giving me a soft yet sad smile. I parked the car back where it belonged racing to where she stood waiting. I wasn't too sure why she wanted me to do this but I had no problem. Her hand was clutched around my wrist, not letting go even at the stairs. We reach her room but she pulls me inside, her eyes doing all the talking that was required. I stop her pulling her back into myself as she moved towards the bottle of pills. I shake my head, "kyun itna dari huyi hai? I won't do anything baby.. I'm sorry gussa nhi hona chahiye tha mujhe. Bas woh usne aise pakr rakha tha tujhe toh -"
S - "I hate you"
I look at her bemused. Her eyes looked so deep in pain. The warmth radiating off of her completely gone. Her expression pinched my heart far more than the words. I knew that the words weren't true but the expression.... that was a fair representation of how she felt. The coldness towards me, the loneliness. Everything but the chirpy smile and happy glint in her beautiful eyes.
S - "Kyun akele nhi chod deta tu mujhe?! 5 saal lgge sb kuch andar dabane mein aur jaise hi sahi hone lgi toh vaapis aagya? 1,825 days... itna time tha tere paas aane ko lekin ek baar bhi nhi aaya. Main aayi toh door krdiya. You took away my everything.. I'm where I wanted to be since I'd decided my career but because of you I'm still not happy. Sab kuch milgya lekin usski keemat? Khushi. Hasti hu toh dar lgta hai ki agle second rona Na prhe. Baarish, night drives.. Meri sab favourite cheezon se nafrat ho gyi hai mujhe kyunki aadat ho gyi thi tere saath sab krne ki. 5 years ago I lost everything... you, Rohan, and any other reason that I smiled. Haq diya tha tujhe tab.. ki jataye mujhpe lekin tune toh us haq se meri zindagi hi leli."
I'd ruined her. Completely ruined her. Every single bit of her. I didn't even realize I was crying until she looked up at me with the still shattered eyes, wiping the tears away with a painful laugh. "Tu kyun roh raha hai? Tujhe toh khush hona chahiye na.... dekh ajj bhi vaisa hi haq hai tera mere pe. Kahin se bhi kheench k lai aaye. Kasam se kuch bhi krva le. Nazdeek aane se ajj bhi woh farak. Khush reh tu.. tu bhi aur mera life long best friend bhi. Dono ne dhokha de diya mujhe. Dekh le... jisse tu Humesha mujhe door rakhna chahta tha, woh bhi ussi din tere saath saath door ho gya mujhse. Chala gya woh bhi jab sbse zyada zaroorat thi" she said chuckling painfully again. I didn't know why in the world Rohan left her.. but I wanted to kill him for it. I wanted the same for myself. She'd given me her all. Every single emotion of hers and I was selfish enough to not even give her an explanation for why I left. I looked up towards the time, making sure we didn't have anything to do the day after before getting up and walking towards the door.
S - "Firse jaa raha hai?"
I looked back at her only to find her facing forward, the makeup from before completely wiped off with the wipe she held in her hand. "Main aa raha hu abhi.. bas kuch lene jaana hai." I mumbled wiping away my own face.
S - "Us din ki CD footage? Laptop mein already loaded hai idhar hi dekhle"
"Huh? Mtlb? Tere paas kaha se aayi?!" I asked her completely lost as to why she had a copy. My mind clicked just as she confirmed it. Khushal was definitely going to be dead tomorrow. What if she'd already seen the entire thing? Fuck... I moved back over to her laptop having no other choice before sitting back down beside her, gesturing her to open it.
"Same hi password hai. Khud khol le" she whispered softly, looking away from the screen. I cupped her face timing it back towards it. "Agar jaan na hai ki kyun kiya maine woh sab toh dekhna hoga... mujhe nhi pta ki sch mein huya tha ya nhi but... I was drunk and- Aarti.. l" I try to say it mustering up the will power but I couldn't. Her face was blank. Not a sight of shock or devastation on her face. Almost like she'd known. She took the laptop from my hands logging in and playing the video exactly from where I guess both of us had left off. I sighed softly hearing the exact words I'd said.. the crimson of her cheeks making my heart flutter. I looked back at her colourless face now, the shine hidden under all the restrictions. I turned back to the screen sitting up straight to focus on what exactly was happening. I saw Rohan and Aarti talking in a corner, discussing something barely audible. She turned up the volume handing the laptop over to me completely. She was still looking at it, the tears from her eyes going back to long streams. Panic very clear from the expression that filled her face. The next scene explained why completely. I watched as she was grabbed by Rohan from the corner she stood in, tugged towards a room at the far end of the house. He came back a second later, a smirk captivated against his lips. She let out a loud gasp beside me. I switched the computer off turning on the remaining lights. Her hands were fisted, her nails pressing into her own palms. Eyes clenched shit as she let out another few whimpers. I moved to sit in front of her, pulling her hands out of the fists. I could feel her entire body shaking, the tears still flowing the same way but she seemed to be trying to suppress her whimpers. "Shehnaaz? Kya hua? Kya kiya tha usne? Huh?" I question trying my best to at least make her let the whimpers out. She stayed quite, shaking in the same place. I waited another 5 minutes, trying to give her water or even just open her eyes but nothing seemed to work. At last I pulled her into my arms sitting her in my lap. She seemed too tired to even fight back. I clenched my arms around her leaving soft pecks repeatedly against her forehead, rubbing out her back. The whimpers that came next broke my heart into crumbles. The pain in them almost unbearable. "Basss, bas ho gya Baby... shh, itna kyun Ro rahi hai meri jaan? Hmm? Ek baar bolde kya kiya usne... main-" my sentence was left incomplete feeling her lips against my own. I knew she was going to regret this next morning. I knew it shouldn't happen. Not like this.. not at all like this. I didn't want her to hate herself for giving into me when she was vulnerable. The mental and physical pain she was already going through was enough. She pulled back a moment later looking away. The whimpering subsided, her eyes now open, hanging low but open. I myself was in a whole new world. It seemed like she'd transferred all the pain from inside her into me. Telling me in her own way how much she'd hurt the whole time I wasn't there. I let her do as she will wanting to take her out of whatever force she was facing. I let out the breath I'd been holding feeling her snore against the crook of my neck. I picked her up moving to try lay her down but her hands wrapped tighter around my neck. I sat down covering her with the blanket, the dress not doing much of its work. I took her laptop letting the video play. I needed to know what actually happened before tomorrow night. She'd be leaving after the next day and I couldn't let that happen. Not now; not ever.
"Tu jo nazron ke saamne kal hoga nahi
Tujhko dekhe bin main
Mar na jaaun kahin
Tujhko bhool jaaun kaise
Maane na, manaaun kaise?
Tu bata...
Roke na ruke naina
Teri ore hai inhe toh rehna
Roke na ruke naina..."
I watched keenly making sure to mentally note all the occurrences. She'd returned back to the party almost 15 minutes later, her whole face completely in shock. She looked scared but moved into the crowd clinging onto me the second she found where I stood. I couldn't believe I hadn't realized it then. She moved away a few moments later as I grabbed drinks for the both of us. Rohan clearly annoyed at how close we stood. I'd always known he had an unhealthy obsession with her but she wouldn't agree. The next moment she walked into the balcony while I was pulled away by Khushal and Jai. Aarti made her way there as well pushing a drink into my hand, clearly much fizzled than the others. Shehnaaz had walked back in, forwarding herself to tell her off but I took it, thanking her with a side hug. The anger on her face now not as enjoyable as it once was. I'd done this so many times. Making her jealous in ever way possible but she'd stuck through not believing any of the bullshit I did. 10 minutes later came the dreaded part I'd been awaiting. Aarti had claimed I kissed her, continuing on to sleeping with her once Shehnaaz had left. She'd sent me pictures later on, hence the engagement rumours . The entire breakup I'd done was because of the guilt I felt for cheating on her. It was stupid of me to believe words she'd said then knowing I wasn't in the state to make decisions. But I'd done so. The reason being... I didn't want her to hate me once she found out what I did. Now looking at the screen I could see Aarti throw herself at me, not stopping when I'd even pushed her away. I paused the video zooming in to our faces. Her lips lay right below mine but my head was swung back enough to make it look like we were kissing from an angle. That was it. The last damn string to everything I'd been holding up against myself completely untied. The only reason that made me feel less guilty wasn't even true. Not even a piece of it. I looked down at shehnaaz who slept completely unknown to the fact that I'd broken her heart over a complete misconception. I'd left her because I was manipulated just like she'd said I would be. She'd warned me from time to time to stay away from her, telling me to not see her ever again and I went ahead and pulled away the one thing holding our relationship up because of the simple push of misguide. I freed myself from her hold, making her twitch just slightly as I lay her down, muffling myself bu biting my lips shut. I'd lost everything myself. I'd given up on it. The one things she'd asked me not to let happen was misunderstandings and I ? I went forward and broke the whole relationship with her because of it. The pain she'd felt that day was because of me. All because of me. I was supposed to be with her throughout the party but my addiction kept me so busy I that I'd forgotten about the only thing I remembered now. Partying and drinking cost me a whole relationship. All my happiness. My family.... everything I called mine. The kiss never happened. Neither did the other things she'd portrayed as truth. The footage clearly showed me leaving the second after Shehnaaz. How could I sleep with her if I wasn't even there?! I shrunk into a corner of her room, not even having it in me to leave.
"Toota Hua Saaz Hoon Main
Khud Se Hi Naaraz Hoon Main
Seene Mein Jo Kahin Pe Dabi Hai
Aisi Koi Aawaaz Hoon Main
Sun Le Mujhe Tu Bin Kahe..
Kab Tak Khaamoshi Dil Sahe."