⚠️POSSIBLE TRIGGERS⚠️
"Honey what happened?" River tried to comfort her daughter by sitting beside her.
J had been sat crying in the library for some time now, 13th and River didn't know what was going on, they thought at first maybe it was because when she went to the other universe she panicked more inside and didn't let it really show that she was scared everything she had gone through, everything she experienced since meeting her birth parents were a lie.
She feared her own thoughts a lot and this one to it.
J looks up at her Mother "I called it off with Bill" she sniffs.
"Why?" The Doctor asks the way J looks up at her, she knows in her hearts why.
"Because soon she'll be gone with Heather and she belongs with her not me" she sniffs again.
"Oh sweetie" River embraces J into a massive hug.
"It's okay. It was always going to end this way." She hugs her Mother back tightly.
"How did Bill take it?" The Doctor wonders.
"Better than I've taken it, she always had feelings for Heather. She loves me but not in that way she loves Heather more, and I know deeply in my hearts my love for Bill is not the way it should be. I don't love her in that way either. It was fun at first, we were blinded by the laughter, by the moments we had. The experiences together but we were never meant to last like that. But I knew this would happen." She admits.
"What do you mean you knew?" River is the one confused.
"Spoilers" J chuckles.
"J" 13th'a tone of voice went from empathetic to serious within seconds.
"Well.." she chuckles "A good amount of weeks back I used my own vortex manipulator, I wanted milkshake and we ran out of my favourite it was like three in the morning but you" she looks up at her Pa "And the Fam were out somewhere and I went. I ended up crashing a wedding."
She sniffs again and wipes her tears "It was my own wedding I can assure you it was not Bill, something in me just knew. I never saw their face only how tall they were. Then I turned and I smiled at myself and I turned back around. My vortex then went haywire. After the future you" She turns to River.
"You used your sonic and all of a sudden I was gone. I ended up in your office Pa, Back in your 12th face and you told me what happened to Bill." She smiles sadly.
"So once it settled in I went back well before that day and broke it off I told Bill not to mention anything to you about us breaking up cause I wanted to tell you myself but I guess I never did until now?" She sighs.
"Don't worry about any of that J okay?" 13th didn't really know what to say, she knew J and Bill broke you at some point she just guessed.
"I'm sorry I'm in a mess. I just feel that I could have handled it a bit better or something." She cries.
"It's okay sweetie. Hey least you know you'll find someone. Especially if you're going to get married Mhm?" River boops J's nose.
"Well that's if I didn't do anything to change that. Or maybe it was fake? Maybe it was all done to help me with this?" She questions unsure why anyone would ever want or love her.
She didn't understand why, she is not pretty, she doesn't feel loved most the time. She feels alone 99% of her time. She knows deep down in her hearts her Mum and Pa love her but at the same time her head always has to question that to the fullest like do they really? Truth be told, as sad as it is she is not this upset because of Bill, she misses her yes more as a friend she wishes she didn't have to go the way she did. But really deep inside she has her own issues, her own demons she's been battling inside.
"Maybe.. maybe I'm..I'm just not here?" She sniffs.
"What do you mean?" 13th asks.
J shifts away from River, she stands and takes a deep breath. "I just don't understand my existence. I just don't understand why I'm here? Everything has been heartbreak and pain, it's been suffering and" she sniffs choking on her own tears "and there is still so much more you both just don't know about and it hurts and hurts each day, my soul just doesn't feel here half the time, my hearts are always heavy and my mind is always battling with itself." She starts hyperventilating.
"I just feel that each day flies in, yet is so long. It rolls into the next day and it's like maybe I'm not really here? Maybe every memory, every experience good and bad in my life has just been placed within my head and I'm really just in some weird way stuck in some.... I don't know like I'm not really here that everything I know and feel is fake, it's not real and it's really just a big old dream that when I wake there will be no one around me, it'll be an empty void of my own soul floating through nothing trying to find the next way to live yet it's just not able too." She now begins to panic.
"Hey, hey" 13th slowly approaches J not wanting to upset her more.
"You are here because you are meant to be here. You are loved by me, by your mother, by the Fam and by many more. You are needed here with us, you are my daughter and I'd never change that in any sort of way. The universe brought you into this life through us for a reason. And we love you and we will never ever ever stop loving you."
They can see J is digging her nails into her neck as she has a panic attack. She shrinks down onto the floor and starts scratching at her neck. She begins rocking back and forth crying uncontrollably for admiring how she felt inside. She never wanted to do that. She never wanted them to see this side of her at all.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry" she says shakily.
River is the next one to speak. She kneels In Front of J.
"My baby girl. My sweet little girl. Listen to us when we say we love you. You are here because you are meant to be, you are not living in some dream. I'm sorry we haven't been there from the start, I'm sorry you didn't get to grow up with us. I regret that everyday. I regret not being able to teach my little girl how to walk, how to talk, how to read. Unfortunately I thought it was the safest place for you. But now I see it really wasn't. You will find love, if you saw your own wedding it really is a fixed point in time that cannot be changed. Someone will love you the way you deserve and you deserve the universe sweetie. You've been through so much that we don't even know about yet but as I've told you before you can tell us anything, we will not judge you. We will not think less of you. But in your own time, you've been there for many people throughout your life, that I do know. You're sweet and caring, loving and kind. You have the biggest hearts like your Father." She didn't stutter a word, but was interrupted.
"And sassy just like your Mother." 13th pipes in. This caused a hiccup and a chuckle from J.
The Doctor kneels down onto the floor as well.
"You deserve the universe like your Mother said. My sweet little time baby. You will always be loved by us no matter what. NO MATTER WHAT!!" You could hear the love and pain within these words.
The Doctor also felt regretful for not being there through J's life. From the start. She cherished the times she got to pop up through her life, River was the same she cherished these moments. They loved their daughter more than she'd ever know.
J sniffs lifting her head. Her eyes were now swollen and puffy, her neck was all scratched up and bleeding, her nose had been running from her tears, her head was pounding from crying.
"I'm" she hiccups and stutters a little "I- I- I'm, I'm So so so sssssssso S-sssorry."
She rubs her eyes pretty hard trying to get rid of her tears that burn down her cheeks.
"Hey" River takes her hands. "It's okay. Come here" she pulls her into a hug, 13th scoots to the other side and embraces herself into the hug as well.
J started to cry again, "We love you" River says.
"We really do, you are our daughter always and forever and beyond" 13th Starts to tear up.
They sat like this for half an hour before all three were crying. They had all sat crying for another half hour. Before J scoots out of the hug, she stands and she looked like she had been hit by something.
"I'm sorry again. I didn't mean for all that to come out." She shakes a little picking at her nails.
"Sweetie" River gets up and 13th follows "We are glad you let it out. Please don't take that in the wrong way but we just want to know and know that you are happy and deeply I'm sorry I never picked up on the signs." She sighs.
"The- the what?" J Looks confused.
"That you are battling within" she sighs again.
"You mean cause I'm a depressed, anxious, worrying stupid bit~"
"HEY!! No, you are not stupid. Suffering from depression or anxiety there is nothing wrong with this, any mental health issue you may or may not have doesn't make you stupid one bit. And it doesn't change anything about you but the fact you might just need lifting up, needing some support and comfort it doesn't in anyway say you are stupid, and watch your language" she raised her eyebrows at her daughter.
J did suffer with quite a bit of mental health issues, but she never let it show she tried her best not too. She was low a lot of the time but kept on smiling. She felt abandoned even though she had people around her, she worried a lot and over thought everything, she subconsciously always questioned everything in life especially herself. She feels weak, she feels like she is not meant to be here, she feels that she is pathetic, stupid, ugly, gross, horrible, and a terrible being to life. She feels guilty if she lets anyone in. She doesn't know whether or not everyone around her is just plain and simply lying to her and don't want or need her in their life's. There is so much more she feels, so much just within. She is always worried, always on alert, always suspicious. She feels sick a lot, she has a lot of migraines that make her feelings even low. She suffers alone. And most of this is because she doesn't feel worthy of letting anyone in, she doesn't think they need to know about her issues. She feels like a pure burden to society and overall the universe.
However she is always there for everyone else, no one deserves to feel this way and she knows this especially.
She suffered from depression pretty badly, but she knew how to hide it. However there was a time where she couldn't hide it and she broke down. She said she was fine. Though Yaz saw through her fakeness that day, she asked her how she was but she lied saying she was okay.
Unfortunately, Yaz could see past that. She approached J at the right time and she felt good. They had a long hard heart to heart. She opened up a lot not about everything more of how depressed and low she felt and how much she wished she could just disappear. How anxious she gets around new people that give her bad vibes. How she has a lot of silent anxiety and panic attacks many when around them all. Yaz felt bad that she hadn't noticed that. But soon enough she took into consideration looking for the signs and that she found.
J would pick at her nails, she'd scratch at her skin or dig her nails into her skin. If it's really bad she becomes rather silent, without words but keeps a smile on her face to avoid questions. You can notice the rest of how she holds back every tear threatening to fall.
Yaz even opened up to J about her own depression. It really made J see she was not alone but at the same time she can't help but feel guilty for feeling so alone.
She sees Yaz as an older sister she never had, she loved her so much she was her family. She was her sister.
Even though Yaz doesn't know the full extent of why J is like this she can truly understand her.
J sighs, "Sorry"
"Please stop apologising sweetie" this was the Doctor speaking this time. She hugs J again.
"How about we go to your favourite restaurant for dinner tonight? Just the three of us?" She smiles warmly.
"Yes please" J held back the rest of her tears and hugged her Pa back. "Don't worry I'll be okay. I'm fine it'll all be alright" she lies through her teeth. Her face was buried in the Doctor's chest or they would have seen the lie. She soon enough leaves.
Unfortunately they knew deep down she was lying.
"We need to keep a closer eye on her." River looks at her wife. "She needs ya even if she doesn't say it."
"I know" 13th embraces River into a tight hug. They both have suffered with depression and more heck there is no way you get through life without feeling depressed at times, without feeling sad, upset, anxious and hurt. But sometimes these feelings last longer than needed. And it really doesn't change who you are for suffering with these mental health issues or others. It's unfortunately a part of some for a very, very long time.
But no one is really truly ever alone no matter how much it makes you feel it, everyone matters. Everyone is loved. Everyone is cherished and everyone will be missed. It's hard to think a lot of people give up. They will always be loved and cherished. It hurts and unfortunately it happens.
Everyone truly does matter in this universe if you were not meant to be here you wouldn't be here. But you are. You should love out your life the hard times will pass. No matter how long it may be eventually the best will come to those who have truly suffered and truly been through a lot. Never feel guilty about how you feel. Never feel guilty for your mental health. The ones who love you will never leave you and there is always someone who will be there no matter what.
Always remember to check up on your friends, even the happy ones. You never know who's going through what. And everyone needs someone.
The Doctor and River go through to the console room, they set the coordinations to the restaurant and wait for J to be ready.
A/N Hey all, I haven't updated in a while, I've been struggling quite a bit.
I wanted to make this chapter, it has a lot of emotions within. A lot of how I feel. I'm trying my best to take my own advice, this chapter is not only to help myself but to also give anyone else who is suffering from any mental health issues that well NEVER GIVE UP!! No matter how much we want too there is a reason things happen, there is a reason why we are here. And we deserve our lives to be lived and to be happy and loved and cherished. And no matter how much we feel we are not loved, and not worth it. We have to remember people do care, people do love us. And it's never too late to seek help. My messages are open for anyone. There will be a light in the dark tunnel for us all. I'm hoping mine shines soon enough.
Much love to you all, please stay safe and know you are worth it. And remember you can always message me. And also I'm sorry if this has upset anyone.
I will not lie, this did help me a lot to write this.
Also with J and Bill, unfortunately that was always going to be my plan. I didn't want to make either of them be the bad guy so it really was mutual feelings they both had. It just took J crashing her future wedding to really see. (One is unsure if you'll ever get to see this or If I'll write it depends just depends) And then she knew deep within her that Bill and Heather belonged. I wanted that to go that way. But it still hurt her obviously. If you haven't read the first set of 13th oneshots. In the first book I shipped Bill and J but as you can see this has ended. And also I am so bad at titles sorry.