I laid on the hotel bed next to Leigh-Anne, us both silent and fully aware of what just happened. And don't get me wrong it was cool but.. it was also eh. Like, it was full of steam and lust and that's where it ended.
I wasn't sure what I expected but considering she was only the second girl I slept with in almost a year, I thought I'd feel a little something. Maybe a spark or.. a flicker. But nope, nothing. As soon as it ended there was an instant deflation.. if you know what I mean.
My mind went straight to comparing and that was terrible, I know. But since when have I gone once and been done? Not including with Robyn, she was the only one who could have me on my ass after one round..
What I wanted to see was if I succumbed to my temptations, the lust of it all, would it be how it use to be. I know, comparing again, but with Aniya I could fool around with any girl and be satisfied. Not to say what I did was smart because I did have full intentions of getting back with Robyn but I wanted to see if I did, in fact, completely change.
I guess I got my answer.
A soft voice broke the silence. "Do you regret it?" I looked over and saw her staring up at the ceiling.
"A little yeah.." I mumbled, scared of her reaction. I knew I shouldn't have slept with her and I honestly didn't want her to feel heartbroken, especially not with us being on tour together.
I heard a sigh leave her lips as she turned to face me. "Thank God." My eyebrows shot up when she placed her hand on her forehead. "I thought it would just be me and I'd feel so bad-"
"Me too, that's why I was quiet." I said with a soft laugh as she sighed in relief again. "It's not you, by the way. You were great."
"Yeah you too." She said, her head shaking. "This entire time I was so scared because I thought I'd fall in love with you." My jaw dropped at her words. "Whew, I'm so happy."
"Wow, am I that bad of a person to fall in love with?" A laugh left her lips as she turned and held my arm. "I thought I was a pretty.. decent person."
"No, you're great. I just know you're still in love with your ex and that is a terrible combination." I hummed and slowly looked back up at the ceiling. "This is good though. I think I mistook a crush for attraction, you know? Now I'm good, you can get out of my room now."
"Wow, hit it and quit it type huh? Respect." I joked and she pulled me back down with a laugh when I raised up. "No I get it, I'll do the walk of shame and everything. Where are my heels?"
Her laugh increased at my jokes and I couldn't help but feel the weight lifted off of my shoulders. Leigh-Anne was one of the sweetest girls I've ever met and hurting her.. man, it'd be like kicking a puppy. But what she said, 'you're still in love with your ex' either she was observant as hell.. or I was just obvious.
"How'd you know?" I asked and she laid her head on the pillow with furrowed eyebrows. "You said I'm still in love with my ex.. how'd you know?"
"Oh.." She cleared her throat before shrugging. "The fact that you said her name in the middle of us having sex is one giveaway-" My mouth fell open and she waved her hand. "It's fine. If there's one person I want to be called, it's definitely Rihanna's. I'm not even mad."
"Damn." I mumbled and covered my mouth with a chuckle. "I didn't even know.."
"I figured. But also, I see how you never relax." I looked over at her in curiosity of what she meant. "You're either working on the computer, making business calls, working out, or dancing. I never see you just chill. So that either means you're a workaholic.. or you're trying to keep your mind busy."
Observant as hell, that was the one. "Yeah." I mumbled and pursed my lips. "I'm trying not to be dependent on her and that shits harder than I thought." I said with a humorless chuckle.
"Hey, being dependent and in love are two different things." She said and sat up, the covers held to her chest as she looked down at me. "Just because you feel happier around her and want to spend all of your days with her doesn't make you dependent. It means you found your perfect half. The time you worry is when you can't find happiness on your own and from what I've seen, you can."
I watched silently as she slid out of the bed and wrapped a robe around her before starting to the bathroom. I mean.. she did have a point. I was being productive without, Rob. I wasn't laying in bed and depressed because we broke up.. I was one hundred on my own. All I needed was for my girl to be good on her end.
-
"So.." I looked up silently as Jade sat across from while I was chewing on my grilled cheese. "You and Leigh-Anne make a couple babies?" I swallowed my food too quickly because of her words and felt the rough end of the bread scratch my throat.
"What?" I rasped out and grabbed my water bottle. "What are you.." I took a sip of the water. "What did she tell you?"
She only smirked and shook her head. "She said nothing, well not today. I'm her room neighbor and she had a lot to say last night."
"Oh. Well um." I scratched my head and cleared my throat. I didn't know if Leigh wanted me to say shit and I rather not seem like the boastful type so I shrugged and bit into my grilled cheese.
Her eyes turned to slits as she pointed at me. "I am onto you, Y/ln. You and Miss Leigh-Anne." She slowly raised up and I watched her back away, looking like an evil gremlin. I refuse to believe she was the same age as me.
We were waiting in the boarding area for the plane that would be taking us to Italy soon and, luckily, nothing was awkward. We both came to the agreement that it was purely a one time thing and would never happen again.
It was like going to a dealership and taking a car for a test drive. Neither of us liked the car so we took it back, simple. We were both mature adults..
My eyes raised when I heard loud giggles and I saw Leigh-Anne on Perrie's back throwing gummy worms at Jade who was on Jesy's back. I spoke too soon. I shook my head and looked at their tour manager who was sitting with sunglasses on his head and a book in his hand. I leaned over and went to speak.
"I know." He said lowly, pulling the glasses over his eyes. "Just let them get it out or they'll be like this on the plane." I watched him flip the page of his book before nodding and moving to sit back. Made sense.
Soon, we were boarding the plane when I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket and I looked down to see the caller ID.
My Shawty🤩
Man I never changed her name.
Biting my bottom lip, I sat down and watched it ring for a moment before I answered and put the phone to my ear. "Hello?"
"Oh hi." Why did she sound so surprised like.. like she expected me not to answer. "How are you?"
"I'm good." I replied and pushed my suitcase into the top compartment before taking my seat by the window. "And you?"
She went silent for a moment before letting out a sigh. "Um well.." She hesitated. "I'm getting there. I wasn't sure if breaking up meant eliminating contact as well so.. I'm sorry if I'm stepping over boundaries-"
"Rob," I cut off with a grin. "It's fine, okay? Me cutting you off completely after our talk would be a dick move. I'm not a dick. So what's up, what have you been up to?"
I could hear the relief in her voice as she started to talk semi-normally. "Just working on more stuff for Fenty Beauty, I have an Sephora meet up in a few days. I'm excited about that."
"Oh wow. I don't know what that is but it sounds exciting." She laughed softly and I smiled, happy she was still happy.
"Mm, I almost forgot.. I'm also in therapy, have been for the past three weeks." My eyebrows shot up at her words. "And it's for me. I didn't do it for you but it was because of you I just, I realize I really do have things I haven't let go of completely. So.. rather or not we get back together, at least I can heal completely."
I nodded and grinned at her mature mindset. "Hey, I'm proud of you, babe. That's a big step- a huge step." I felt the feeling in my chest build again slightly, the feeling of how badly I wish I didn't end us but also knowing it was the right thing to do because look what happened. She took her own mental health into account.. I had to keep reminding myself that this was all for a reason.
"Yeah.." She said quietly. "So how's tour, how's everything."
I knew what she really wanted to know. 'Did I move on? Did I make a move?' That was the hardest decision. Did I tell her? Would me telling her cause a rift? But, knowing I would eventually have to tell her anyways, I chose the truth.
"Um well," I sighed softly. "You remember Leigh-Anne? The one at Coachella?" She hummed. "I.. we ended up sleeping together but realized how weird it was and.. yeah. Won't be happening a second time." She fell silent, deadly silent. So silent that I had to pull the phone away to see if she was still connected.
Damn, I fucked it up didn't I? I felt it, she was about to freak out and never speak to me again.
"Okay." I raised my eyebrows at her words. "I mean.. did you wear protection at least?"
What the fuck..
"Yeah, of course." I said and half wanted to ask her why she was so calm but I felt like that would make her not be calm. "I'm sorry, you're okay with that?"
She chuckled softly. "Hell no, Y/n. I don't want you with anyone other than me but we're broken up and the fact that you still told me.. that makes me happy in a way, I don't know. It means you still care."
"Well yeah I still care, Rob." I said with a sigh. "You're the love of my life."
She fell silent again but I could hear the smile in her next words. "Glad we're still on the same page." I smiled when she cleared her throat. "Anyway's, where are you now?" Damn. I never expected her to react that way.. she would've usually went ber-fucking-serk.
"The UK, did you know they say loo instead of bathroom here? How odd huh?"
She chuckled softly. "You know I've had a house out there since like twenty twelve. I haven't been there in a while obviously but.."
"Are you foreal?" I mumbled and smacked my lips. "What the hell? Robyn how many houses do you own?"
It was a rhetorical question but, of course, she didn't mind dishing. "Two in LA, one in New York, London, and back home in Barbados. How about you?" She teased and I rolled my eyes.
"Yeah yeah, asshole. One day, Robyn. One day I'll be at your level, alright? Then you can't tell me nothing." She hummed sarcastically and I smiled to myself before looking up when someone sat next to me.
"Jade said I can't sit next to her so that leaves you." Leigh-Anne said with a wide smile before wincing apologetically. "Oh you're on the phone, my bad."
"Yeah, just give me a second. Thank you." I said as she handed me a bag of cookies.
I heard silence on the other end which let me know Rob heard her. "I have to go but it was nice to talk to your ass again."
"You too, big head. Take care of yourself, alright?" I said with a sad sigh.
She hummed. "I will. Have a good night, ATL." Then she hung up. Man..
I lowered my phone with a small frown and felt Leigh-Anne bump my shoulder. "You really miss her." She said with a pout.
"I do." I looked down at the ring on my finger, knowing it should've been on hers instead. "I really fucking do."
-
I sat on the edge of the stage with Claude, another dancer, as the girls talked to the crowd. "So I've been wanting to get into modeling." He said to me and I looked at him with a nod. "Do you think I could model some of your clothing?"
"You just want free shit, don't you?" I teased before dropping my arm over his shoulder. "Nah but my reps have been telling me that people do those Instagram ambassador shit? They said I should start doing that so.. you're in luck."
A wide smile covered his lips as he nodded happily. "Thank you, Y/n, honestly. You're a big inspiration. As a trans male to see you doing such big things.. it gives me hope."
I lightly tugged at his vest before pulling him into a side hug. "That means a lot. And if I can make a name for myself, you can. Don't let this damn world put you in a lane, box out that shit."
"Was.. was that an NASCAR reference?" He said with a chuckle and I nodded. "Clever as fuck."
"Right? I thought so too."
"Look at the lovebirdsss." My head popped up when they spotlight was suddenly on us. "Claude and Y/n sitting in a tree-" Perrie started but Jade took over.
"F-u-c-k-i-n-g-"
"Jade Thirlwall!" Jesy said, the crowd laughing loudly. "You are cheeky today, aren't you?"
She shrugged and I shook my head while pushing off of the ground and running for her. "What are you- Y/n!" She screamed when I scooped her up and spun her around before settling her back on the floor.
"You're gonna be shipped with two Little Mix members now." Leigh-Anne joked, making the fans scream again at her acknowledgement. "Calm down, there are no ships here people." The cheers turned to boos. "Wow."
I raised my hand and Perrie turned the mic to me. "There is one ship.." I smirked and playfully reached for Claude and he grabbed my hand, intertwining our fingers.
"Yes!" Jade yelled into the mic as we walked one another of the stage. "That's a ship I would like to see sail- hashtag ClaudeY/s/n."
"They're funny." Claude said once we were backstage, the girls going to their slow songs for a little bit.
"For real, I'm gonna go check out catering." I said and made my way down the hall. I grabbed a plate and smiled at the catering ladies before starting to put the mac n cheese on my plate when my phone started to ring. I smiled instantly at the Facetime caller ID. "Melly Melsss."
"Y/n.. I don't got a nickname for ya ass." Melissa said and I laughed softly before carrying my plate to the table. "I'm surprised you answered for me."
"I know, I'm sorry." I said with a frown. "I just needed some time, you know? You and Rob are like the same damn person sometime." She nodded in understanding.
"Well," She brought a glass of wine to her lips and took a sip before continuing. "You stuck with my ass no matter what. Where are you performing tonight? I see ya little outfit."
Chuckling, I propped the phone on the water bottle so my hands could be free. "Milan, we'll be here for about two days." A smile slowly pulled at her lips as she nodded and looked to the side of her, that's when I took notice of her surrounding. "Are you.." I squinted as I picked up my fork. "Are you on a plane?"
"Yeah, Rob has a Fenty Beauty meet tomorrow." I hummed and nodded while scooping the mac n cheese into my mouth. "I heard you guys talked." I nodded softly. "How are you feeling?"
"I was surprised to find out she's in therapy, that's really good." She smiled and nodded along. "And I told her I slept with someone, you know? She didn't react how I expected."
Her head nodded against as she sat her glass down. "I'm not saying this just because she's my best friend but she really has been changing, Y/nn. Like, for real, I never saw her so willing to be better." I smiled softly and continued eating. "And yes you encouraged it but she even told me she wasn't doing it solely for you but also for her future."
"Yeah.. I'm proud of her." I mumbled softly and had the sudden urge to board the next plane and fly wherever they were but I couldn't. "Can you tell her um.." I looked up from my plate. "Tell her I love her."
She smirked and picked up her glass, her eyes drifting to the side again as she took a sip. "How about you.." She looked back at me. "Tell her yourself weirdo." My mouth opened to reply before I heard the beeping that indicated she had hung up. Well damn.
"Hey. We're going around town tomorrow." I looked up and saw Jade jog in, grab a spoonful of my mac n cheese, the jog out. "Thanks!"
I frowned and looked down at my plate. "She took my fork.." I mumbled and let out a sigh. It wouldn't be the same now..
-
It was a free day today so the girls wanted to explore Milan or whatever. I kind of really just wanted to take my ass back to sleep but nooo, that was 'wasting a good day.'
"Can I get a refill?" I asked the waitress with a smile and she nodded, pouring the champagne into my glass. We were out to brunch right now and the girls planned to do a little sightseeing. Still didn't know why I had to come.
As I brought the glass up to my lips, I looked out of the window and could see some paparazzi outside snapping pictures. I chuckled and grabbed the waitresses attention again. "Can I borrow a pen and paper please?" She handed me the stuff I asked for and I quickly wrote something down.
"What's that?" Leigh-Anne asked before reading it. "Pride month is next month, be an ally. Hit up BreakOUT.Com to support the Black LGBT youth' wow." She said with a pout and I turned to the window before holding the paper against it and seeing the flashes get even faster. "You're incredible."
"Just doing my part." I said and used one hand to hold it up while drinking my champagne, making sure they all got pictures before I sat the paper down. "So what's after this? The hotel I hope."
They all looked at one another and almost spoke through their mind. "We have one more stop." Jade said with a smile and I frowned. "Don't worry, you'll have fun."
I didn't have fun.
The 'one more stop' was the damn mall. "This isn't fun." I groaned out as I trudged after them with a huff. "I don't even go shopping anymore, I get my shit shipped to me."
"Stop your whining." I rolled my eyes and pulled my dad hat down before looking up at the stores and shaking my head. "Ooh Sephora-"
"Hell no." I said immediately and shook my head. "I'm going to the food court."
"You just ate!"
"But Y/n-"
I shook my head and kept walking until I reached the food court. There was absolutely nothing I recognized except.. "Hot dog on a stick? Yes." I mumbled and went to the counter. "Helloo." I sung out with a grin. "Can I get the cheese corn dog and one medium sprite?" After swiping my card, I stepped back and watched my order get done fairly quick.
When I got my food, I took a bite of the corn dog and wandered around the food court floor until I finished it. Still, the girls hadn't came up. With a huff, I thew away my trash, sipping on my soda as I went back down to the main level.
As I came up the walkway to the makeup shop, I raised my eyebrows when I suddenly saw a big ass crowd coming my way. The hell.. I turned my hat backwards, continuing to drink as I watched the people all scream loudly, cameras flashing at whoever was in the middle.
Leaning back on the wall, I squinted to get a better look and it was like I got punched in my stomach. There was no way..
I watched her smile and wave to her right before her head turned and damn right I knew those green eyes anywhere. Her gaze caught mine and I slowly pulled the straw from my lips as she froze. Holy shit.. Robyn was here.
Before either of us could do anything, her security guards ushered her forward again and I watched helplessly as she moved into the makeup store while continuously looking back at me until she disappeared.
It's been, what, a month and a half? That shit felt like eternity to me. But she was here, right now she was here. What was I gonna do about that?
I tossed the rest of my drink into the trash before turning my hat back forwards and looking through the entrance of Sephora to see the whole ass thing packed. There was no way I was getting in.
"Think.. think.." I mumbled to myself before snapping and pulling out my phone to call Melissa. Leave it up for her to not answer today huh? "Shit." I hissed and looked up when I heard cheering. She was talking about new makeup or whatever- holy shit. It's a damn store. Which means.. there's always another entrance.
I rounded the store and sure enough, there was another door but it was blocked by a guard. "Other way." He said when I walked up.
I gave him a charming smile. "I'm Y/n." I said since most of Robyn's team knew who I was.
"Oh okay, and I'm repeating myself. This ways closed." I frowned and looked over his shoulder to see her talking with Melissa who had her hand in her phone. That bitch..
"Look man, I don't know if you're new but Robyn's my girl, alright? I need to talk to her." He kept staring at me with a stoic face, making me groan. "Have you never been in love or something- I mean I'm telling the truth, look me up."
Still, no movement. I dropped my head with a sigh, my hand coming up to rub my forehead.
"About time." I snapped my head back up and saw Lewis standing behind the other guard. "Do you know how much I've had to endure? 'Y/n use to love this song, can you play it again? Y/n loved ice cream at midnight, can we go? Y/n, Y/n, Y/n' Please take her back and put me out of my misery."
I laughed and pulled him into a bear hug. "You've always been the goat Lew, since the beginning." He huffed when I kissed his head, as I always did. But before I walked in, I gave the other guard a once over. "I can't fire you but in my head I am so.. you're fired." I stuck my tongue out before walking into the store just as Melissa, Robyn, and Jen walked into a back room. I followed.
What would I say? How would I say it? Obviously I saw the effort she was making and how she was following through and man I just missed her. I missed her so damn much that it was crazy. I could tell her that.
I could tell her how much I wanted us to work, how proud I was of her taking care of her mental health, how I wanted her more than anything.
But when I rounded the corner and saw her standing in front of Melissa as she talked, her hands stressing every word, I blanked. "No I swear I'm not crazy, I saw her M." She said, her head shaking. "I need to go see her." She turned to rush out, only to freeze when I stood at the door. "Y/n.." She breathed out.
All the shit I planned to say went out of the window when she looked at me, her eyes still the same. Still filled with love but even more so now. "I'm right here, babe." I said with a soft sigh as I walked up to her. "I'm right here." I repeated before cupping her face and pressing my lips to hers quickly.
She instantly kissed back and wrapped her arms around my back, pulling me forward.
And just like that.. sunshine in my already lit soul. It was exactly what I wanted- man she was what I wanted. I slid my hands from her face to her waist to pull her closer as her arms draped over my shoulder. My head tilted slightly as I opened my mouth and almost as if we never broke apart, our tongues met perfectly in sync.
There was a knock on the door but she never pulled back so I didn't. Not like I could anyways. Her taste... her smell, it was like a drug. She held me captive and I didn't give a damn.
Slowly, she pulled back but kept her lips feathered against mine. With my eyes still closed, I mumbled. "I love you." That was one thing I did remember to say.
I felt her quick breath tick my lips as a smile pulled on her face. "I love you too.. never stopped." I finally reopened my eyes and saw her lids already open, sparkly green eyes staring back at me. "So, if you'll have me.. can I call you mine again?"
I scoffed. "If I'll have you? Damn right I'll have you shawty." She smiled and dropped her head into my neck as she pulled me into a hug. I circled my arms around her and held her tightly, my eyes met Melissa who was sitting on a table with a wide smile. I winked at her and she winked back, giving me thumbs up.
Damn did it feels good for things to fall back into its's place. I prayed it stuck this time and, for some reason, I felt like it would.
_____
Annnnd we're back :)
See? That wasn't too bad was it? Now let's bring up some unanswered shit.. you ready?