. . .
My heart was racing and it wasn't because I was soon to go up on stage and fake accept my diploma for this practice graduation I was forced to partake in. It was surely because L.J was directly behind me sending a thousand questions my way about why both Logan and Avery were avoiding her.
She was still out of the loop about everything and I almost slipped and told her the truth last night but Logan called and practically begged me not to. I also wanted him to be the one to tell her so I paced myself. But, the whole avoiding her thing was not the way to go about it. Avery was doing it too because she said she and Logan should tell her together they owe her at least that much.
"I find it really odd," L.J spoke knocking me from my thoughts. She was so close I could feel her breath on my neck, did she need a lesson on personal space?
"Do you think they're sneaking around on me?" She asked.
Giving myself a quick neck massage I made eye contact with Eric who was in the 'L' portion of the line peeking back at me. He had been witnessing L.J attacking me with question after question and could only shoot me sorrowful eyes. Meanwhile, Shawn and Avery were busy talking in the 'P' section and Logan was way up in the front with the 'A's' not responding to any of my texts. Times like this I wished we all shared the same last name so I could have us all together.
They were sneaking around on her but not in the way she envisioned so I couldn't answer her without lying.
"Let's focus on graduation, yeah?" I nod my head enthusiastically hoping she'd just chill for a second. "I promise that they aren't sleeping around on you,"
L.J tilted her head to the side and stared at me questionably. "You promise? You know something don't you?!"
Looking up I saw that Eric was no longer in his spot so I used that as my excuse.
"Eric just texted me," I sighed pretending to be annoyed. "He wants to talk, I'll be right back,"
Not thinking twice about Eric and me having relationship problems again she eased back a bit. She didn't even try to stop me when I walked away. This was all too much for me I couldn't take this any longer.
Not really sure where Eric actually ventured off to I went to the bathroom anyway. This place was lucky I needed to know what to do on graduation day or I would've slipped out the back. Seniors didn't even have class today it was all practice.
"Okay, okay!" I could hear Logan mildly shout as I rounded the corner making me stop in my tracks.
"That doesn't matter," Eric's voice came right behind his. "You have to suck it up and rip the bandaid off. Waiting is only making it worse,"
"He's right," Shawn spoke. What the hell? When did all of them leave and why wasn't I invited to the secret meeting?
"Shit, shit, shit," Logan mumbled. "This is so like me to take a good thing and fuck it all up. I'm scared man, L.J means a lot to me,"
"Relationships are never easy man take it from me," Eric said causing me to roll my eyes. Don't dump on us to make him feel better. "But, it's now or never,"
"If she means a lot to you that means she also deserves to know," Shawn said and I could hear him lean against a few lockers by the way they started to cling loudly.
"And we also need to talk about you being in that baby's life," Eric said sternly ready to put his two feet down on the subject. "You're lucky, not everyone can have children that are actually of their blood. You should be thrilled. You should be that baby's biggest fan,"
Huh? What did that mean? Excuse me?
"Got some unresolved issues there bud?" Shawn asked jokingly.
Everything got quiet for a moment and I fought the urge to reveal myself.
"It's nothing. Logan, you need to tell your girlfriend and be a good father. End of story," Eric said quickly trying to change the subject.
"I'm going to screw that baby over. I'm no role model. It'll turn out better without me. I'm no dad, growing up without one would even be better than me," Logan sighed throwing himself under the bus. It really hurt to hear him talk so down on himself.
"Shut up. Shut the hell up," Shawn sounded angry at Logan's comments. "Don't say that. I grew up without a father, Logan, way before yours came into the picture. And that's no fucking life I swear it. You don't know how many nights I wished my father would've never left my mother and me. All the dad shit I missed out on? I don't wish that on anyone. I felt like it was my fault that he left and I was only 6. I was 6 fucking years old crying myself to sleep because my dad didn't want me anymore,"
My jaw dropped. I never knew the story of how Shawn's mom ended up with Logan's dad and I had no idea it was that sad. I don't think he's ever told anyone that story by the way Eric mumbled off a few apologies.
"I'm sorry," Logan said, clear regret in his tone. "I'm so stupid, I'm sorry. I knew that, and I still said what I said. I'm sorry,"
"Fuck!" Shawn yelled slamming his hand against the locker. Obviously, the thought of his father sirred up some bad emotions within him. I now see why he never told anyone. He wasn't even emotionally ready to deal with it himself so why would he bring it up to someone else?
"You know my dad loves you like his own right?" Logan said trying to calm Shawn down. "He might've not been there from the start but he'd die for you and you know that. You're his son, you're my brother and we love you,"
"Of course, I'm not dumb," He said still on edge. "But, whatever forget it. If you don't step up I will and I stand by Avery when she says don't try to come back later hoping to play a father. What are you going to tell that baby when they ask why you left? You weren't ready to be a dad? What? That's no excuse and I honestly I'll lose all respect for you. Bro," He put intense force on that 'bro' making it known they might be brothers but this shift in viewpoint could tear them apart.
"You can't guilt-trip me into being ready for something I'm not," Logan jabbed back.
"Let's not turn this into a fight okay?" Eric finally stepped in between the two. "Can we keep this on the topic of telling L.J that Avery's pregnant and Logan's the father?"
Gulping lowly I rounded the corner to let my presence be known. I've done enough eavesdropping for today. Ah, I lied. The day isn't even over, let me not get ahead of myself just yet.
"Darren?" Eric questioned making Logan and Shawn look my way too. They both looked pissed off at one another and as much of joy as I am I didn't bring a smile to either of their frowny faces.
"I didn't get the secret meeting memo," I said walking toward the group hoping to deescalate the brothers as well.
"Didn't you get my text?" He asked and I pulled out my phone. So when I told L.J that he texted me he actually did? My physic abilities are finally coming into play.
Reading the text it said to keep L.J busy so that he and Shawn could talk to Logan. Oops. Looks like I didn't get any memo.
"Avery went home because she wasn't feeling well," Shawn informed me. "I couldn't tell if it was because of the baby or it's already deadbeat father,"
"Wait," Logan said almost jumping from his bones as his body became alert. "If we're all out here and Avery's gone where the hell is L.J I'm sure she's caught on to us all being gone by now," he turned his attention to L.J disregarding Shawn's comment.
"She did catch on," L.J emerges from around the same corner I was. When did she get there? Was I too busy eavesdropping to hear her come up behind me? I'm just not on my game today at all.
Everybody's eyes grew wide while watching L.J waltz over to us. Logan had it the worst, it looked as if he was about to shit himself right in the middle of the hallway and I couldn't blame him.
"Avery's pregnant?" L.J asked keeping her eyes locked on her lover, not paying the rest of us any mind. "You got Avery pregnant?"
Gulping slowly Logan met L.J halfway during her walk. "It wasn't intentional,"
"When were you going to tell me?" She asked her voice becoming shaky. "By the likes of it if I didn't follow Darren out you would've kept it from me longer,"
Shaking his head in disagreement Logan dropped his shoulders. "No, it isn't like that. Of course, I was going to tell you. I just needed time,"
"Time for what?" L.J snapped not interested in his excuses. "Time to come up with a lie that excuses the fact that you got your ex-girlfriend pregnant, who happens to also be my friend and that you don't even plan on being there for her?"
"I'm scared okay?" Logan admitted.
Not taking that in his favor either L.J smacked her lips. "Duh, it's scary that doesn't mean hide it from me or not be in your child's life. You weren't scared when you were inserting your dick into her vagina now, were you? The fact that you're even thinking of not being there for that child is wild. What if that was me? You claim to love me, so if I was pregnant with your child right now would you do me how you're doing Avery?"
"But, it's not you," Logan said softly.
Chucking out of anger L.J rolled her eyes. "Answer my question. If it were, would you walk out on me too?"
"Let's not do this," Logan said placing his hand on L.J's shoulder but she quickly shoved him off. I could see her eyes beginning to glisten with tears.
"Fuck you," L.J spat shoving Logan as hard as she could her emotions getting the best of her. She knew the honest answer to her question even if he refused to say it. "You're so pathetic, what did I ever see in you?"
"L.J, stop it you know how I feel about you. I tell you every day, but I'm no father especially at the age I am now," Logan confessed trying to win her over and he was doing a horrible job.
"Do you hear yourself?!" L.J shouted. "Nobody is ever sure they're ready to be a dad or even a mom. You're so caught up in your own shit did ever stop and think how does Avery feel? She is the single most sweetest person ever and she's going through this life-changing event with someone who'd rather walk away than try. What does that say about me if I'm dating you?"
"What are you saying?" His voice croaked a bit and he again tried to touch L.J but she wasn't having it.
"I'm going to go see Avery," L.J choked back her own tears before turning to leave Logan probably both physically and emotionally. I couldn't blame her though. If she was in Avery's situation and Logan was acting the way he was I'd have to kill him, that's most likely why Avery hasn't told Jared yet.
Logan followed after my sister leaving Shawn, Eric, and me to soak in the aftermath of the conversation.
"Yikes," I was the first to break the ice looking at the two of them. From the conversation they had with Logan, I needed to speak with both of them separately.
"I'm going to go home, screw this," Shawn said still upset about everything. I guess the whole crew was skipping out on this graduation practice.
Neither I or Eric stopped him as he walked away. He needed a breather, we all did. This was my time to talk to E, I'd go over to Shawn's later to discuss his dad. I also was going to have to talk to L.J about how she's feeling. Today was going to be a trip.
"Want to go get ice cream?" Eric asked slumping his arm over my shoulder and placing a kiss to my forehead. Ice cream was a perfect idea, a nice cold treat to soften the blow of this heated conversation about children that we were going to have.
. . .
Freshman year Darren would've never even thought of leaving school grounds during school hours. Senior year Darren didn't give a damn.
Sitting across from Eric as he slurped away at his triple stack chocolate fudge ice cream cone I didn't know how to bring up what I needed to say.
"It's all pretty crazy," Eric said in-between licks. "I know Logan's my boy but he's in the wrong,"
"Can we talk about what you said earlier?" I blurted quickly not wanting to have any small talk. If I learned anything from today it's to not hold back on your significant other.
Locking eyes with me Eric seemed concerned. "So you did hear when I said the thing about having kids,"
I nodded slowly as I pushed my banana split to the side of me so he could have my full attention.
Sighing he shrugged. "It's pretty self-explanatory. I'm gay, I won't have children that are of my blood,"
I nodded my head. "Do you want children?"
"Of course, I love kids. I practically raised Henry myself. I know I'll have to adopt kids if I ever want them and that's great I swear it. But, there's nothing like falling in love with someone and bearing a child together. It's always something I really admired. I know surrogates are a thing but it's not the same,"
"Why haven't you told me this before?" I asked watching as he licked at his dripping ice cream.
He shrugged again. "There's nothing you can do about it so why bring it up? I'll be over content with you and our lovable kids whoever shall be lucky enough to have us as their parents,"
This is beside the point but my heart fluttered a bit at him saying our kids. Which meant he saw a future with me beyond college years.
"Yes I said our kids," Eric laughed knowing that's why I hadn't spoken yet. "You might get on my nerves but I'd be miserable without you, the past month has proved that,"
Smiling I reached my hand across the table to hold his. "But, you still should've told me. That's something we need to talk about. You can tell me these things,"
"I know," he said now crunching into his cone. "We've just been through so much why pile onto the plate? I've missed you we can discuss things later right now I just want us in each other's presence,"
Eric squeezed my hand in reassurance.
Biting down on my bottom lip I fought with myself to push the conversation or drop it. With me being me I knew what I was going to do.
"Could you see yourself falling in love with a woman for the sole purpose of having that connection when she's pregnant and having a child that's yours?" I ask ignoring his request to live in the moment. I needed answers though so I couldn't do that.
"The kids I adopt will be mine. I'll love them as if they were my own flesh and blood," Eric said answering me anyway because he knows I won't drop it.
"Could you see yourself though?" I raised an eyebrow as he finished off his cone and grabbed my banana split and started devouring that too.
"Stop being dumb," he rolled his eyes. "I could never fall in love with a woman. What part of gay isn't clicking for you? Yes, I've had sex with a girl before but I wasn't into it at all. Didn't even ejaculate, I don't know if this comes as a surprise to you but I like dudes," he chuckled to himself thinking his little joke was funny.
I didn't find it funny at all.
Seeing as I didn't joke along with him Eric straightened out his face. "Come on, what do you want me to say?"
"The truth," I said taking back my ice cream until he did so.
"That is the truth," Eric groaned reaching for the ice cream but I kept it away from arms reach. "Look, I know I won't be able to have flesh and blood children, I know that. I've also come to terms with that long ago I don't even know why I brought it up today I just thought it could encourage Logan to step up,"
Eyeing him I slowly pushed the ice cream back toward him and watched his eyes light up. He was a kid himself oh my god.
"I'm sorry," I say honestly. "It's the whole Avery thing it's got me thinking about a lot,"
"You're not alone," Eric said. "Do you think L.J is going to end things with Logan though?"
"Yeah," I nodded my head. "My sister is a lot of things but stupid isn't one of them. Logan basically said he'd walk out on her if she was in Avery's shoes. And we grew up with Avery she'd never choose Logan over her and that's just facts,"
"That's true," Eric said as his phone buzzed on the table. Sliding it toward me so he could finish off my banana split once and for all, I was encouraged to read it out loud.
"It's your dad," I state. "He says he needs you home to watch Henry he has something to do,"
"He's definitely going on a date," Eric sighed. "This is the fourth time this week and he thinks he's sneaky but where else could he be going dressed all fancy?"
"That's cute aw," I smile. "Maybe he's not ready to tell you guys yet,"
"Because he knows the women he dates are very questionable," Eric added. "But, do you wanna come with me? Movie night with the three of us?"
"Yes, but I'll have to slide by later. I have to go check on Shawn first," I admitted, worried about how he's been holding up since earlier. "Also, can we discuss the kiss you two had? I find that really hilarious—,"
"NO!" Eric shouted cutting me off his cheeks turning a hit of red from embarrassment. "Don't remind me please, it was a moment of weakness,"
Laughing I got up from my seat and walked over to his so I could kiss him before I left. Bending down I didn't even have to meet him halfway because he was already there to smooch me. He even used his hand to hold my head in place.
"I'll see you soon," I smile into the kiss.
"Hold on," he whined connecting our lips once again. He gently bit down on my bottom lip causing me to gasp so he could easily sneak his tongue in and I didn't have any problems with that.
"You sure you can't come over now?" He pulled back from the kiss, his eyelashes fluttering loosely.
Standing up to gain my composure I dusted myself off. "As much as I want to, I've got to check on Shawn because I don't think anyone else will,"
Eric nodded his head knowing I was right. Shawn was always there for me and everybody else for that matter but I don't think we come to his aid enough. After what happened to today I'd be a bad person if I didn't go see what was up with him.
Placing one last quick kiss to Eric's lips I dashed from the store before he could try stopping me again.
Hopping into my car I took no time in starting it up and heading to Shawn's house. I was surprised he never told me the story of how his dad left in the first place. Perhaps it was too painful for him to discuss but with everything out in the open now he shouldn't push me away.
It didn't take me long to reach Shawn's house either, maybe I was driving a bit past the speed limit but honestly who knows?
Getting out of my car to knock on the front door I was greeted by Shawn's mother. She wasn't a big fan of any of us after what happened last year and we tried beating her son's ass.
Her smile soon dropped when she saw me. "Oh, hello Darren,"
"Hello, Mrs. Adams, is Shawn home?" I asked getting right to the point, already knowing the answer because his car was out front.
Stepping aside so she could let me she nodded her head. "He's out back by the pool,"
"Thank you," I give her the same fake energy she was giving me. One day she'll have to get over it like the rest of us.
Walking through the living room and kitchen to get to the back yard I spotted Shawn sitting at the edge of the pool dangling his feet in the water. If sad was a physical person it would be Shawn right now.
"Hey!" I jog over to him and he greets me while a simple head nod.
Quickly rolling up the pant legs of my joggers I sat down next to him and put my feet in too.
"How are you?" I ask not caring if he thought I was intruding or not.
He shrugged. Oh no, he was not giving me the silent treatment.
"Want to talk about it?" I ask leaning forward a bit so I could see his face fully.
"There's nothing to talk about," he finally said something.
"I think there is or else you wouldn't be sulking here," I say giving him a comforting nudge on the shoulder. "What you said at school is why I'm here. I'm concerned for you,"
"Don't be," He said softly looking down into the water.
"Well I am and who's gonna stop me?" I question trying to get a rise out of him. Anything but this sadness he was giving off now would be better. Seeing my friends sad was a different type of hurt.
"My dad left because of me," he blurted catching me off guard as he locked eyes with me.
"Huh? I know it may seem like it and that's what your brain is making you this is the truth but it isn't true," I say.
Looking out into the distance again before he spoke Shawn took a small gulp. "He told me,"
Now I was really confused. I thought he hadn't spoken to his dad since he was six, so how could he possibly tell him anything?
"About two years ago I found him on Facebook and I fought with myself for weeks on messaging him," He continued seeing how confused I had become at his words. "But, one day I sat down and I did it. I told him who I was and I asked him why he left,"
Shawn stopped talking to hold himself back from crying. He knew he had to go on though.
"He told me to stop messaging him because he had no son named Shawn. Well, his exact words were he had no faggot cock loving son named Shawn. After that it all made sense, he left the same day he caught me playing dress up in my mother's clothes as my mom helped me apply lipgloss. He always threw away the dolls my friends would give me and me being six I just thought he didn't like them,"
Taking this all in I saw a tear slip from Shawn's eye.
"And It's sad because I went through his page and he has another son and his name is Shawn too. He also has two little girls and I couldn't help but dig myself into a bigger hole by going on that Shawn's page. All the father-son activities going back years, the baseball trophies the pictures of him at all of his games. He's so proud of that dude,"
Putting my hand on Shawn's back I let him continue.
"He told me he left because he couldn't be around me knowing what my life would end up like and the fact that my mother encouraged me to disgusted him too. The day after he left my mom bought me a dress of my own and told me that I was the most handsome little boy she's ever laid eyes on and she'd always see me that way no matter what. I now know what she meant by that,"
"I'm so sorry," I rub his back in a comforting manner.
"Don't even be, its fuck him forever. I am who I am and I'm forever grateful that he did leave rather than having to grow up with someone who was disgusted with who I am. I'm more upset at the fact that I have a little brother and two little sisters out there who'll I'll never be able to see grow up. They don't even know I exist,"
"Does your mom know you talked to your dad?" I ask.
Shawn shook his head. "Nope, no one does except you. Why tell my mom anyway and get her all worked up for what? He isn't worth it and he never will be. It just sucks to know that people have kids and refuse to be in their lives over things they can't control. If you're not ready to accept your child as is why have children in the first place? Shit just pisses me off,"
"I know," I mumble letting him get his frustrations out.
"That's why I'm so mad at Logan. He's got a chance to be everything for that baby and he's trying to back out," Shawn shook his head disappointingly.
"The past few days have proven that Logan is an idiot," I say earning a small chuckle from Shawn.
"Thanks for coming to talk to me," Shawn said wiping at his tears. "I haven't told anyone that story and it feels good to get it off my chest after all these years,"
"I'm here whenever you need me," I say truthfully. "Always,"
Briefly smiling Shawn kicked his feet around in the pool some more. "I love you, you know that? Not in a romantic way but in a friendly one. I'm really glad we met and went through what we did or else we wouldn't be as close as we are now,"
"I love you too," I smile leaning in to hug him which he returned with ease. "And by the way can you tell your mom to chill a bit? She hates my guts,"
That made him laugh out loud. "She totally does!" He says not denying it which made me laugh too.
"Oh my god," I say clasping my hand over my mouth.
"I'm sorry," He laughed. "I've tried talking to her but she's convinced you're out to get me,"
Lowering my hand I looked back at their house making sure she didn't decide to charge at me with a knife or something.
"Do you want to come hang with Eric and me?" I ask even though that would put a dent in Eric's fornication plans. I just feel like Shawn shouldn't be alone, not right now anyway.
"No, I'm good," He said shooing me away with his hands. "Go have fun with your boyfriend, I'll be okay I promise,"
I don't know, I didn't feel right leaving him.
"Can I see your phone?" I ask as I pulled mine out of my pocket too. I shot Eric a quick text to bring Henry and himself by to have a swim in Shawn's pool.
Shawn handed me his phone and I placed both of them off to the side before sneak attacking and shoving Shawn into the pool.
"Darren!" He yelled once his body hit the cold-ass water and I couldn't help but laugh. "Oh no, where do you think you're going?!" He yelled when he saw me trying to make my escape but I was too slow as he dragged me by the legs into the water.
It being cold was an understatement at best.
Popping my head up from under the water I caught wind of Shawn laughing his ass off.
He swam to the other end of the pool but I was on him like glue.
"You started this!" He shouted splashing water at me.
"Okay, okay!" I yelled waving my pretend white flag. "I bet I can swim faster than you thought," I said as we both reached the edge of the pool. We were both fully clothed playing in the water like we were children but it was fun. It was clear Shawn needed this by the way he smiled.
"You're on," He grinned taking off without me being prepared.
"You cheater!" I yelled taking off as well, he was going to win with the head start but I wanted to try anyway. Hey, I'm no quitter.
"Are you boys hungry?" Shawn's mom came out of the back door holding a tray of sandwiches and boy did my stomach grumble. Maybe she was coming around to liking me, or this was her attempt at poisoning me. I'd let Shawn take the first bite just to be sure.
She brought the sandwiches to the poolside table and smiled at me. Yup, she was definitely trying to poison me.
Dunking my head underwater I started to float on my back as Shawn went over to the food.
"This is pretty peaceful," I say loudly as I looked up at the pretty blue sky. There were barely any clouds and the breeze was just right.
"You two have fun now," His mother said as she went back into the house. One day I'd have to talk to her before she goes the rest of our lives hating me, I couldn't have that.
Before I knew it I was pushed down into the water by Shawn's belly-flopping on top of me. When did he even get near me? He must've scarfed down one of those sandwiches faster than the speed of light
"Oh you're going to get it now," I said coming up for fresh air before going right back down and grabbing Shawn by the ankles. I didn't get far though as he kicked and splashed about making me release him before I got kicked in the face.
"Let's face it you can't touch this," He chuckled doing the hammer time dance in the water.
That's when I dove at him. Oh, it was on.
I didn't even know how much time had passed when I finally sat on the edge of the pool. The sun had gone down and I noticed Eric and Henry never showed up. Shawn still stayed in the water floating on one of the inflatables he got from the shed. He had lemonade in hand and was living the life.
"Are you going to give me a change of clothes?" I ask.
"Go up and get it," He said not moving a muscle and he didn't plan on it either.
Rolling my eyes at his laziness I went over to where our phones were so I could check on Eric. My heart stopped once I caught sight of the 30 missed calls from Eric and the endless texts. Henry was in the hospital!
"Oh my god!" I yelled knowing this did not look good on me. "Henry's in the hospital! I've got to go!"
The panic in my voice was enough to get Shawn out of the pool as well.
"What happened!" He exclaimed.
"Eric found him passed out in his room!" I say already going toward the house with Shawn right on my heels. "This was hours ago and I'm here lollygagging I know Eric's pissed,"
"Let's get changed and go," Shawn said opening the back door so we could go up and get a fresh pair of clothes.
"This is so bad," I groan knowing exactly where the conversation between Eric and me would go.
. . .