Chapter 26: Obviously Oblivious
Amber
Back in 1897, a Russian psychologist called Ivan introduced a method to which animals, like dogs, can be trained. When I first heard this, I believed that Ivan might be just the one who launched it in the field of formal psychology but I was somehow certain that the pet owners back in the days and even mothers are already using this method quite instinctively.
The famous experiment goes when Ivan rings a bell whenever he feeds his dogs. Throughout time, even without the food, his dogs salivate upon hearing bells ring. According to him, they associate the bell ringing to eating time, conditioning them to think dinner is to be served.
Some of my classmates back then laughed upon the idea that the same method of classical conditioning by Ivan Pavlov applies to humans. But I am deeply amused thinking that Pavlov might be victoriously grinning at his grave now upon seeing these dumb teenagers celebrate and pack up the moment the school bell rings across the hallways.
Not many years later after classical conditioning's introduction to psychology, there was someone audacious enough to test this experiment on an actual human being. In 1920, John Watsons tested the said method with a baby he called "Albert". Maybe old enough to be considered a mobile human but definitely young enough to even speak for himself.
The experiment involved a white rat and a loud metallic clang that is designed to scare the poor little boy. Initially, little Albert was not scared of the tiny furry animal. However, since its pairing with the loud metallic clang that the baby seems to consider as a horrible thing, he associated the white rat with fear due to its side-by-side presentation. A child who had previously liked and attempted to pet a white rat, was later conditioned to fear it.
I would never grow fond of this tale because I am displeased with the questionable experiment myself. Some dude just thought it necessary to traumatize a baby. John Watsons must have been foreign to the idea of ethics. He may not have inflicted tangible injuries to the child, but it certainly did untold harm to that poor kid's brain. I do not have any idea if it is legal back in the 20th century but basing on how it was shamelessly recorded and recognized, it must have been legit.
Moreover, I personally consider that the dude totally screwed up. I found out that after the experiment, not only Albert is afraid of white rats, he eventually became afraid of everything that is of color white. How conveniently evil that is.
In 1990s, at last someone was smart to enough to somehow upgrade the introduction of knowledge in the field. It was in the identity of Fredric Skinner. With Pavlov as the foundation, Skinner presented the idea of Operant Conditioning. In here, the concept of reinforcements is introduced-- which I found very simple but interesting.
It is a simple as providing either reward or punishment basing on a stated demand. And Skinner needs no John Watson to experiment on another Albert because I am certain that parents from all ages are already acing it.
And right at this very moment, I am quite not sure why Luhan is giving me a background in psychology—which I obviously already know a lot about. He was trying to explain to me why I am truthful, submissive to uniformed personnel, and uncomfortable with the concept of disobedience and disloyalty. I am not sure how and when Luhan knew, but it felt awful that I cannot argue against it.
It felt terrible having a stranger know more about you than you do. But I let Luhan and Lay continue without interruptions, because me, too, am itching to find out the answer of why I'm so clueless myself.
They proceeded into explaining how storage of memory works for the brain, and I truly appreciated how much they are simplifying the terms and processes for me to understand. Don't get me wrong though, this discussion is still ridiculous. But the roll of events have been disastrous so far, so me listening to these strangers should not be a problem, right?
So yeah, I found out that it was always the nerves the make the tricks. It was the nerves' fault why you may randomly remember an embarrassing thing you did back in your middle school, or why you may suddenly recall funny things and laugh by yourself like a freaking lunatic you are. It is the one who tired the brain out, send stress signals to receptors, carry out recognizance of pain and all that important crap.
And to be honest, my heart is hammering with nervous anticipation upon recognizing where this discussion will end up. This whole talk was supposed to be their explanation why I cannot recall any of my childhood at all and never have been bothered with the idea of not remembering anything. It must have been more complicated than I imagined it to be.
"You see, memories never get erased inside the brain. You just lose your access to them as time goes by. It's because nerves falter, change, or not function anymore. And when you lose access to memories, emotions associated with it may never resurface again. But it's still there, it never leaves." Luhan said.
"and that is why your hair is so white, Amber." Kris stated, to which I responded with a sincerely oblivious and confused face.
"Each time you are thrown inside some situation that is full of stimuli that tries to get access to those memories, the nerves are strained, because the brain is suppressing every little detail that may resurface. Your hair turns white because of constant but unnoticed pressure." Lay explained
"And when it turns white fast, it means you're frequently put under circumstantial places, emotions, or occurrences that would have reminded you of those memories." Luhan added.
"So in other words.... My brain is extremely stressed." I suggested
"Well, to put it bluntly, yes."
Wow, as if this I am not anxious enough as it is.
"Your hair's all white again."
"That's a record. It usually lasts for about four to five days."
"Yeah, but you came here with hair all brown."
"What?"
I did recall Baekhyun mentioning it but segueing his way out. At least that's gradually making sense now.
"Who buried those memories in my brain, though? Who did it?" I asked, trying to put logic in between this conversation. Finding out I have no recollection of my past should be quite stunning, but what's more surprising than that fact is that I am not somehow that "shocked" at all.
"I did." Luhan raised his hands quite unwillingly.
Luhan proceeded enlightening me of why I'm troubling finding my filter, why I'm submissive, and—as he phrased it, "Irrationally Loyal to Eres". And even though I beg to disagree because it rings offensive in my ears, I let him continue. I cannot argue considering my obviously oblivious state. He connected the psychology discussion they made earlier and said that I was shaped.
He said that brain copes up with missing contacts to memories. So even though he paralyzed my nerves towards that certain storage, the routinely practice of my brain does not cease. Luhan said that I was "conditioned" to do it, and through time, I had internalized it as behavior. I never bothered questioning anything anymore.
It came across as insult to me although he never really meant to offend. I felt like being both Pavlov's dogs and little Albert at the same time. What an inconvenient feeling of being a guinea pig.
I don't want this, but there is something in the back of my mind that tells me there is no ulterior motive for them to tell me these things. I should be doubting, resisting, trying to escape, or trying to contact Exo from where I am but I find myself listening and easily believing them.
Maybe because of Kris.
And don't get me wrong, it's also because of the peculiar feeling of ease and comfort being with them. It somewhat feels... right. What I know and what I feel are somehow playing a tug of war inside my brain and in every passing time, one team is getting stronger than the other.
The registration of information is so slow, or maybe it's because I cannot quite put my finger on whatever it is that's baffling me. Despite the fact that they are clarifying the whole matter thoroughly, I sense that I still can't quite grasp the whole picture.
They're leaving out something very significant behind, and they are waiting for me to ask instead of saying it themselves. It must have been the most sensitive matter, that is why they might want to see my willingness to know first.
I would be lying to myself if I think that I'm not afraid to throw the question, because the universe knows how much I'm shaking in unease right now. Mustering all the courage left in my system, I dropped the main point why we're even ridiculously sitting across each other, talking.
"What are those memories and why did you remove them?"
The three of them exchanged conflicted glances. Yet more than hesitance, I saw this questionable concern cross their faces. All their reaction to my obliviousness is starting to take toll on my mind. Their expressions sent something pricking inside my chest. Worry? Awful anticipation? Fear? I'm not sure if I really want to know.
Kris stood up and walked away, and before I tried to protest about him turning his back on my question, he brought back something seemingly old in his hands. He showed me a picture frame, and despite having no recollection of the photo, I found myself very eager and intrigued.
The photograph showed four children standing in one line, all facing the camera. All those young features have weariness, and undeniable misery engraved on their expressions. I felt no child-like spirit peeking on their appearances.
Looking at these children prick a sentiment of lost and unhappiness. One would easily grasp the idea that they weren't living normally. All looked beautifully unique but unhappy with their condition, anyone would be disheartened to see these crestfallen faces.
With every passing minute of staring at these children in the photograph, my breathe began to be shallow with the pinch of odd attachment I had with them.
"Amber, believe us, you wouldn't want to remember." Lay said quite depressingly, to which I responded with a creased forehead.
"H-how would you know that?" I asked, feeling the insides of my guts twisting and turning in utter angst.
I found my gaze stuck in the picture. I felt my heart beating against my chest as I realized that these pitiful young faces were eerily familiar, but what got my heart falling into my stomach was this shocking realization dawning into me.
This might be ridiculous, but I believe that smallest kid in the photo was me. A version of me that I have never seen before and could not even recognize right away.
I was skinny, tenderly young. With pale skin, short black hair, and weirdly yellow colored eyes.
Luhan finally spoke, and although I perceived his words gargled with my own shock and disbelief, what he said resonated, shaking few spirits out of me. "We are certain you wouldn't want to remember." He faltered a bit.
"Because it was you who begged me to remove those memories in the first place."
Took me long enough to update again hahaha
Thank you for whoever is reading this, and I hope you all stick around for the updates of the story! Have a safe day guys!
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