JASON
Jason sucked in a long breath of satisfaction. Seattle was once again looking like Seattle. Thankfully, none of the burnt buildings were beyond repair, with the mill taking the worst hit. Fortunately, Laurie's first husband and his partners didn't think to destroy the lumber already cut for shipping near the water. Jason and his brothers worked around the clock along with the men of Seattle to have the mill operational within a week, Jason having to take light duty while his wound healed. Now, with the mill fixed, they had the dormitory to complete, and some logs needed to be felled before October became bleak and rainy. They had one week left to restore Seattle to normal, if they were lucky.
He headed to the saloon to pick Laurie up for lunch. Last night he'd decided to tell Laurie about their marital status, and Lottie had squealed like a schoolgirl when she found out, almost ruining his plans. Jason planned to take her on a mid-afternoon picnic. He wanted to take her back to the pine grove they had picnicked at before, thinking it should smell nice and the sunshine would do her good.
In fact, he knew exactly how he'd say it, and then immediately propose. That way she wouldn't worry, and they'd be remarried within days of her brother's return from Olympia. On that thought, he stepped up his gait and whistled. It was going to be a fine day.
He strode past the totem pole on his way to the saloon and slowed down, curiosity burning in his brain. In front of Ben's general store stood Kincaid, helping Hannah into a wagon. That's going to take some getting used to. Mrs. Blake Kincaid. He put on his best smile and waved. Hannah waved back.
"Hello," he said to Kincaid when he approached. "Did you finally decide on a place?"
Hannah stiffened, and Kincaid glanced at her with an odd look. "Yes sir, I did. I best get the rest of the supplies."
After Kincaid disappeared into the store, Jason looked up at Hannah. She had a faraway look about her. "Hannah, is something the matter?"
"No, it's just... Jason, he's decided to settle in Nebraska, where his folks settled after the war. I'm sorry."
Jason shook his head, saying, "It's all right. You and the other brides have been free to come and go as you please after that first year, married or not."
"I know. I thought we'd settle here, honest I did. We talked about it. But, and please don't take this the wrong way, but I don't think he liked you walking me down the aisle."
She had a little blush to her cheeks, and Jason felt his own warm a little. "Well, to tell you the truth, I don't think Laurie cared too much for it either."
"Actually... didn't she tell you I asked her before I asked you?"
No. No, she hadn't, but that wasn't surprising. "Maybe she did, and I forgot," he said aloud. "I've been pretty busy."
"That's why we stayed this past week. Blake wanted to help. He said it was the least he could do, what with Seattle finally putting Campbell to justice and finding a wife here."
Jason had to press his lips together in a smile to keep from chuckling. Kincaid wasn't the first man to drift into town and leave with a wife. "Well, I'm glad for both of you. I hope you'll be very happy."
"And you and Mrs. Bolt," she said, and then the blush went deeper. "Oh, Jason. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say that."
"Thank you," said Jason, waving off the faux pas. "That's very kind. She'll be Mrs. Bolt again, soon enough."
"Funny, how different things are now, isn't it? If you'd have told me in March, I would marry someone I hadn't met yet, and on the way to Nebraska, I don't think I would have believed to you."
Jason reached for her hand. She slipped it into his, their old comfortable friendship returning in an instant. When he spoke, his voice was quiet and warm. "I know how you feel. Things worked out for the best, didn't they?"
"She loves you. More than I ever did, and I was head over heels."
Jason let go of her hand, not allowing the moment to grow too intimate. "Yes. Well, it seems we're both on the paths we were destined for."
"Oh! I almost forgot!" She pulled the infamous necklace out of her pocket and held it out to Jason. "I suppose I should return it."
Jason smiled and with a shake of his head, closed her hand back over it. "Consider it a wedding gift."
Hannah put it back in her pocket and peeked through her eyelashes. "A souvenir of Seattle?"
"That sounds like an excellent description. Do with it what you like, I bought it for you."
"Thank you," she said with a pretty pink tint in her cheeks.
Kincaid exited the store with a sack of flour over his shoulder. He plopped it in the back of the wagon and stood next to Jason. "You two get to say your goodbyes?" he asked.
"Yes, we did," said Jason, and offered him his hand. "Thank you, for all your help."
"It wasn't much," said Kincaid, shaking Jason's hand heartily, a funny quirk turning up the side of his mouth. "But sure was worth it."
Jason's smile deepened, remembering the nervous wreck Kincaid had been the night before the wedding. There was gossip, of course, over why Hannah rushed to marry a total stranger, but none of that mattered to him. She looked happy, and he had no worries she would be taken care of, not that it was any of his business. Still, he cared. "Hannah tells me you're headed for Nebraska."
"Yes, sir, after we wait out the winter in Olympia. They need another deputy, so it'll tide us over until it's good to travel again. My folks are there. It'll be a might different from back east, and sure different from here, but I reckon she'll get along with my ma well enough."
Hannah gave her husband a loving smile, and Jason put to rest any lingering doubts he may have entertained. She had made her choice. Knowing Hannah, it was a good one.
"Well, good luck, to both of you. Goodbye, Hannah."
Hannah smiled. "Goodbye, Jason. Good luck to you and Laurie too."
He stepped back from the wagon to get out of Kincaid's way. The man pulled himself up to sit next to his wife and, with a definitive wave, drove the horses forward. Hannah waved furiously, first at Jason, and then to the brides waving from the dormitory, shouts of promised letters permeating the air.
Shaking his head at himself, Jason's attention fastened on Clancey situating some crates on his deck. He wandered over to watch him sort through his cargo. He leaned on one of the dock posts, crossed his arms, and said, "Clancey, are you leaving?"
Clancey looked up from the sailor he had been ordering around and adjusted his captain's hat. "Aye, Jason. Tonight, at high tide."
"Oh. I thought you were staying for a few more days."
"Well, that was before said he needed me to pick up a shipment out of Portland, and Lottie's in need of booze, and Aaron's got me picking up a ring for the beautiful Miss Cloom. They're planning on getting' hitched in a few weeks, you know."
Clancey chuckled, and Jason's frown disappeared as he relaxed. Aaron might take a while to make up his mind, but once it was made, he didn't waste time. "Well, will you be back in time to ship the lumber?"
"Oh, yes, Jason. I'll be here when you're all finished and ready to ship out in a week and a half. Mr. Stempel hasn't got time for me to go to San Francisco, you see. Just to Portland."
Jason chuckled. "Well, it may take me two weeks, but I'm glad to hear you'll be back. If I don't see you later, take care of yourself. Safe journey."
"Oh well, thank you—Hey there! I said put it down in the hold, not on the..."
Jason headed back to the saloon and blew out a deep breath. It was time to tell Laurie the truth.
LAURIE
Laurie had awakened that afternoon with fresh resolve. She would not tire easily today, and she had plans. She and Jason were having lunch. Not that having lunch with Jason was unusual, but the extra care and hints Lottie gave during preparations the night before had Laurie wondering. Something was up, and that felt exciting.
She put on her dress of blue calico and eyelet lace Jason had bought her from Ben the day after Sherman died, saying she needed a fresh dress to wear with her fresh, Sherman-free life. For all its cute bows on the sleeves and low scoop neckline, it was plain compared to the dresses Laurie had worn in San Francisco. For Seattle, it was the height of fashion.
Laurie loved it.
She hummed while she brushed out her hair and used a barrette to lift it on one side. Liking the simple style, she pinched her cheeks and bit her lips for a little added color. Her toilette complete, she hurried down the back stairs and had just entered the saloon's kitchen when she heard her name. Curiosity won over manners, and she quietly cracked the door open to hear better.
"All I'm saying is, if it were me, I'd he wanted to know right away. After all, who knows what could have been going on between them all this time?"
"Franny," said Candy, sounding exasperated. "You know Jason couldn't do that. The doctor said it would be too much. He's been a perfect gentleman."
"That's right," said Lottie. "I've watched over her every moment and I can tell you, Jason hasn't so much as touched her. If he had, he wouldn't be drinking so heavily lately."
Laurie could hear giggles. Lottie continued, "And with the first husband dead, there's nothing in the way to keep Jason from fixing it."
Laurie frowned. Fix it? Fix what, exactly?
"Oh, good heavens, yes," said Biddie. "And you know, she won't be the first woman to walk down the aisle with a family already on the way. After all, as long as they have the baby after the wedding, it'll make everything nice and proper."
"I can't imagine what she's going to go through," said Candy. "To find out you're not married and having a baby! I feel just awful for her."
"Just awful," Biddie echoed.
Laurie clapped her hand over her mouth, her eyes wide, stifling a noise.
"Well, I just hope Jason tells her all about the trial before they make it right," said Franny, sounding doubtful. "It wouldn't be right if he didn't tell her how he got her to sign that paper. I'll never forget the look on her face. It was horrible!"
Laurie squeezed her eyes shut, breathing hard. She missed a portion of the conversation and willed herself to calm down enough to hear Lottie say, "Don't you worry about Jason. From what I've heard, he plans to have a ring on her finger just a soon as her brother gets back from Olympia."
"Yes, but is Jason marrying her because he loves her, or because he has to since she's carrying his baby?" asked Franny.
"Does it matter?" Biddie asked.
"Biddie!" said Candy.
"Well, either way," Biddie said, sounding miffed. "It just makes everything better."
Laurie walked away from the door. She didn't want to hear anymore. It couldn't be true. Jason would never... he wouldn't lie about that, would he? She struggled to believe he'd allow her to throw herself at him. No, surely she had misunderstood.
Unless she didn't. She shot up the stairs and entered Jason's room, grateful he kept it unlocked for her to take care of his laundry and whatever other chores he might need her to do. She rummaged through his clothes, not sure what she was looking for.
"Hello, ladies!" Jason's voice boomed from downstairs. "Lottie, is Laurie upstairs?"
Laurie reacted to the sound of his voice and pulled Jason's drawer out too far, the contents spilling out. With trembling hands, she put his clothes back inside when she noticed the box her wedding ring had been in before Jason gave it to her. She smiled and opened it, thinking her old ring would be in there, and felt her heart plunge.
Her ring of rubies with the single pearl sat prettily in its place. Pain flashed through her head, and feeling lightheaded, she sat on the edge of Jason's bed with her back to the door. Her mind recalled Sherman and Jason's words as if it were happening all over again.
"She's mine! By God... and law... she's not... your... wife! She's... mine!"
"You gave her up a long time ago."
"I'm your husband, not him. You vowed to obey me."
"Laurie?!" she heard Jason call out, knocking next door.
Laurie swallowed, her mouth dry. There was no other explanation for it. None. Sherman was a lot of things, but he didn't like to share what was his. She could also recall several times she had lamented to Jason that Sherman had taken her ring, and he had brushed it off easily. Now she knew why.
"Laurie?" said Jason, poking his head into the room a few moments later. "Oh, I didn't realize you were in here. Are you ready to go?"
She hesitated, then slipped the ring into her pocket. She wasn't ready to deal with it, any of it. "Yes, I'm ready," she said to the wall and set her face to reflect a calmness she didn't feel. "I pulled the drawer out too far while putting your things away. I'm afraid I made a mess." She stood and faced him.
He looked relaxed, even happy leaning against the door frame. His eyes fairly twinkled with the crinkles deep around them. Laurie knew that look. It meant he was feeling mischievous. She felt a surge of relief, even if her own misgivings waited in the shadows.
"Well, it's no trouble," said Jason, and helped her quickly stuff his things back in the drawer, and put it in the dresser where it belonged. He pushed it in and smiled at her, offering his arm. "Shall we?"
She curtsied and put her arm through his. "I believe we shall."
It felt like forever since they had walked casually hand in hand, enjoying the sunshine. Jason seemed content to walk without talking another relief. Her mind kept whirling around the ring in her pocket and the careless conversation she had overheard. Jason wasn't her husband, that much was obvious, so they had gotten a divorce. Why? Was it Richard's interference? But surely Jason would have fought him. He was still with her - he had rescued her, fixed her wounds, and stood by her... and then the unwelcome thought came.
The baby. Franny was right, he felt responsible for the baby. He was a gentleman like that. He may not want to be married, but he would make sure his child was well cared for. Had she agreed to stay with him? It made sense that he didn't want to talk about it after Sherman had hit her in the head. Her reaction might bring the baby harm, and it was already a miracle she still carried their child. If only she could remember the arrangement they had agreed to. The void where memories should be was maddening.
Jason slowed with a frown on his face. "Are you feeling all right?"
"The headaches haven't gone away, but they're not too terrible," she said, a convenient truth. "Why?"
"You started squeezing my hand. I thought maybe you needed a rest. We're not in a hurry."
Laurie took in a deep breath. She could hear hammering and male voices nearby. "I'm fine. Just...how much longer?"
He gave her a lopsided grin. "Not much. See that fork in the trail?"
"Mm-hmm."
"That's the turnoff to our cabin. It's barely hidden from here. I thought I'd show you an alternative way back to the cabin, and camp, should you ever need it."
Laurie searched him for a hint of sarcasm. All she saw was regret. "Jason, Sherman's dead. No one else is going to come after me."
"No, but... I should have made you more familiar with the area when I brought you here. I was selfish, darling, and I'm sorry for it."
She squeezed his hand, this time warmly, and said, "I don't think it would have made a difference but thank you. It's all forgiven."
The guilt that flashed across his face was a surprise. He leaned down and kissed her lips gently. "I hope you'll be that forgiving later. There's a lot I want to talk to you about."
Laurie's heart pounded, and she tried to keep her voice even when she answered, "I'm sure it will be a good discussion."
She recognized the quizzical hesitation and then the smile with his usual shake to his head. He knew something was off, but he wouldn't touch it yet. Instead, he continued to lead her toward a predetermined spot that he now described in detail. Normally she would have enjoyed the soft voice he used with her, but right now she wished they could go back to silence so she could think.
"Here we are," he said less than ten minutes later. "I told you we weren't far off."
They had broken into a little grove in the trees, and Laurie instantly remembered it. It was the same pine grove they had laid in and laughed at the trees that looked like they were bowing. There were differences brought on by the seasons, an excuse she was going to hang onto if he teased her for not recognizing it through his hints of description. She smiled at him and he said, "You remember."
"I do. This is a favorite memory."
"I'm glad. I admit, sometimes I worry if you lost more than just one day."
Trying to hide the queasiness that seemed to settle in her gut, she took the tablecloth she had packed out of the large basket he carried, and he helped her smooth it onto the ground. Hoping to get the conversation moving, she asked, "Why? I thought all of my memory is intact except for Sherman's kidnapping, and I don't mind not remembering that."
"Your brother said in the past you had pockets of lost memories, and I... well, the doctor just didn't have any answers. Was it directly from the abuse Campbell inflicted, or is it something that is ongoing? I just don't know."
Laurie's heart sank. That must be the reason for the divorce. She had never doubted Jason when he said he loved her, but to be tied to a woman whose mental faculties were questionable? She didn't blame him, but her heart hurt, and she wasn't sure why. It just hurt, and she suddenly didn't want to be on a picnic with such grave conversations on the horizon. They should be indoors, Jason with some Scotch in hand, Laurie staring into the fire. This felt uncharacteristically carefree.
"I'm not saying I don't trust you," he clarified, a frown on his face as he studied her. "I'm concerned that even from the grave he'll continue to cheat you of what life could be. It's a good life, Laurie. You have the world at your fingertips."
Laurie didn't trust her voice to answer him. Drat him, anyway, always saying she deserved more. It made her want to cry. She knelt on the blanket and began laying out their lunch.
"Laurie, I mean what I'm saying."
"I know you do. Can we have lunch now? You must be famished."
He stood over her with his hands on his hips as she spoke. A breeze ruffled his hair, and she remembered the first time she had seen it do that, and the first time she felt the itch to bury her hands in his curls. The desire for him had come quietly over time, but there was no denying it now. She wished they weren't divorced. She missed him, and now that she knew the basics of their relationship, the gulf that had grown between them made sense. The lump in her throat grew. She knew they needed to talk this out, but her courage had left her. The charade was better than nothing.
With a defeated sigh, Jason sat beside her and after Laurie's quick prayer, they engaged in nonsense talk while they ate until Jason said, "How much do you remember? Really remember?"
"I told you."
"No, I want to know if anything else has come to light. It's important, Laurie. I can tell you're uneasy with me today. Did you remember something that bothers you?"
Laurie pressed her lips together and shook her head.
"I know I'm not imagining things."
"I'm not lying, Jason. I don't remember anything else."
His eyebrows knitted together, and she focused on her surroundings instead of him. She wanted to feel as carefree as she had allowed herself to be the last time he had brought her here. The day he surprised her with a cabin. It was the one day she knew she had chosen to feel happy regardless of the world around her. Jason had given her that gift. He had given her so much, and it was hard to face that what she had wished for in the beginning was now her reality.
"Laurie," he continued, his voice soft. "Tell me honestly. Please. What are you thinking? I need to know."
"I was thinking I've been the happiest I've ever known here, except when we lived in our cabin. I have happy memories there too."
"So do I. So, you're reminiscing? Feeling nostalgic?"
"I feel..." Laurie cut herself off. She knew they were going to have this conversation, really she did, but she didn't want to betray Lottie and the girls. It should have been Jason that told her, and she didn't want to take that away from him, but he didn't deserve to be lied to either. Nothing to say? she asked Sister Agnes. The nun remained silent.
"You feel?" Jason prompted after she didn't continue.
"Oh. Um..." Honesty is the best policy. Laurie squeezed her eyes shut for a moment and wished she hadn't asked Sister Agnes her opinion. "I guess I'm confused, and maybe a little sad." Jason opened his mouth to speak but she added, "And I'm at peace with you. Really, I am, Jason. And I... I want to confess."
"Confess?"
She reached into her pocket and showed him her wedding ring. "I shouldn't have been in your room," she said, holding it out to him.
He blanched and took it from her, his eyes betraying his fear as they searched her face.
"But I overheard some people talking, and I thought maybe I misunderstood. I had no reason to believe we're divorced, but when I saw that..." She gestured toward the ring he fingered and blinked hard. "I suppose there's no getting around it. We aren't married anymore."
He studied her for a moment before answering, "No, we're not." His tone was flat, his face unreadable.
"That means there's more I don't remember. You're saying in between the time that we learned we were having a baby and when I woke up in that awful cabin we got a divorce and then Sherman kidnapped me." The weight of his nod made Laurie's heart squeeze. She found it uncomfortable to look at him, so she focused on the trees and said thoughtfully, "That was a busy day."
"Only it wasn't a divorce. That would have meant the marriage was legal, and they would have put you in jail in Olympia awaiting trial. So even if they had let you divorce Campbell on grounds of abandonment—"
"I would still be in jail and you would have been beside yourself. I understand."
"That's why we signed annulment papers."
Her eyes widened a little, and she touched her abdomen tentatively, then lifted her eyes to meet his again, the question apparent.
"I know," he said with tenderness. "I thought it was impossible too, but the judge, well, the judge was being kind. He said if we signed the annulment papers because the marriage from the beginning was illegal since your brother forced us into it, he would drop the charges of bigamy. He didn't want to see you suffer for your brother's antics. None of us did."
"What about our baby?" she asked quietly. "What about his suffering? To think that he's... that he's... illegitimate?"
"We figured we'd make it right once things with Campbell were settled."
"Then we got to talk it over," she said slowly. "We decided what to do together. We have an understanding." That was the first thing that made sense since she had found her wedding ring, and the idea brightened her for a few seconds before he spoke.
Jason shifted and cleared his throat. He met her gaze before answering. "No, you wanted to go to jail. I couldn't stand it. I couldn't... Laurie, please... please try to understand," he added when she shook her head. "It was all so quick, and Judge Conners had another town to be in. We had to come to a decision right away."
She hugged her body with one arm, and her lips into solemn lines as she tried to make sense of it. Her feelings were in a whirlwind, and her mind just couldn't accept what he was telling her, yet it was painfully obvious.
"Knowing Richard, he thought I'd be safer in jail. I assume he sent for the judge?"
"Your brother thought you'd leave with him, that way you'd be out of danger. Don't be too angry at Richard. Until the night I dug you out..." Jason swallowed hard and took a deep breath. "Before he watched me dig you out of the ground, he thought you and I were pretending to be in love."
Laurie's eyebrows shot up. "Even after the doctor confirmed my condition?!"
"Oh, I suppose he might have thought we faked it. Or that yeah, we were physical, but not necessarily in love. People have done stranger things when they're desperate."
"Like entering a stranger's hotel room," she added. They both sat still, her appetite ruined as Laurie tried to reason things out in her mind.
"Darling, please. Tell me what you're thinking."
"I'm thinking you're good and kind, and I trust you. If you say it was the better choice, I believe you."
His scrutiny was almost painful, and he said, "I had a lot of practice with the brides, and I know when something isn't right. What is it? Are you hurt? Angry with me? Tell me how to help you."
She shook her head. It wasn't about what she was feeling. There wasn't any feeling! That was the problem. She felt a void in her heart. A big blank spot where she had always felt pain, and it frightened her.
"Then what?"
Laurie felt the pain of her hands pulling at each other and forced them to smooth her skirt before she said, "I don't know what I want to do."
Jason frowned, and Laurie caught her breath. The safety net of marriage had been yanked out from under her. She was going to have to be more careful, although it was unlikely she could comply. "Are you saying," he said after a long pause, "That you're weighing your options?"
"I don't know what I'm saying, Jason!" she snapped and stood so quickly the blood rushed to her head. The throbbing pulse in her brain made her dizzy. She stumbled, and Jason was at her side before she realized he had followed her.
"Laurie, I didn't mean to upset you. Come, sit down."
"No. And you didn't upset me. The whole thing is just wrong! It's all wrong!"
His voice was barely over a whisper. "I know."
Laurie felt like she was being strangled by Sherman all over again. She moved her hand away from Jason when he reached for it and began walking. She needed to walk. She needed to be somewhere not tainted by Sherman, not by Richard. She wanted to feel new and confident... she'd only felt like that in one place, and it was gone.
"Where are you going?" he said, following her.
"I need to go home."
"Home? San Francisco home? Or Scotland home? Would you just, just stop a minute!"
Laurie stopped and faced him. She was breathing hard, and she knew it wasn't from the walking. Her head pounded.
"Just help me understand. If you don't want to be here and talk right now, it's fine. I'll take you back to the saloon and you can lie down. We can do this later."
"I'm overwhelmed, Jason. I just need to walk," she said and pushed him away from her. "Now."
He seemed surprised at her forcefulness, and Laurie didn't blame him. Her passion felt a little disconcerting to her, too. She spun around and kept walking, faster than the gait she often used to keep up with Jason.
"All right," he said, matching her stride more easily than she would have liked. "Maybe you're right. Are you going home to pack?"
"I'm going home, Jason. The only real home I've ever known."
"San Francisco," she heard him mutter.
Almost yelling and not realizing her brogue had leaked back into her words, she responded, "No! Not San Francisco!"
"Well, then?!"
In a burst of energy, she put distance between the two of them, and when he caught up she ran.
"Laurie!"
Just before he reached her, she came around the corner and stood still. Their home, their sad, burned home, was alive with movement. Men were climbing all over the structure. Some tossed pieces of blackened furniture into a giant pile, some were carrying boards close by. Others were moving around inside, talking loudly with each other.
"What are they doing?!"
Jason crossed his arms and stood with his weight on one leg while he answered, "They're repairing our cabin."
"They're not repairing it, Jason! They're tearing apart what's left!"
"Oh, for the love of all that is—Laurie!"
She flew the rest of the way to the cabin, yelling at the men to cease working. Tools hung in midair, their eyes wide and flitting between her and Jason, who jogged behind. She shoved her way into what was left of the cabin and felt hopelessness close over her.
It was all gone. Everything. There wasn't even a floor in some areas. The kitchen was demolished, and the stove had been taken away. The table where Jason had taught her to play poker was gone. Just gone. She couldn't remember if it had been there when she had visited before and stumbled across the dead man. Eli. That memory made her shiver, and a picture of her room flashed through her mind. The vanity. They can't have taken my vanity.
She thrust herself through the bedroom door and stood in the center of the room, a startled Swede and Joshua eyeing her warily. It was there. They had moved it out of the way, but it was still there. She sniffled and stumbled her way to it. She ran her fingers over the roses with gentle touches. The first thing Jason had given her, besides the too-large wedding ring, was still there. For some stupid, stupid reason that was important.
She sat in her chair and wiped soot off the mirror, and seeing Jason's face in the streaks, let out a noisy, from-the-gut sob and wept in her hands.
"Swede, Josh, give us a minute," Jason commanded from behind her. The two men murmured words of encouragement and shuffled out of the room.
She felt Jason's arms wrap around her and together they rocked in hard, back-and-forth movements. Her sobs were so hard, so fast, they caused her breath to come in short, wheezy sounds as they whistled through her voice box. Her hand was clamped over her mouth, her eyes nearly shut from the force of her cries. She knew she was making a scene and hated herself for it. Ladies held it together. Ladies knew how to take the stress of it all and bury it deep, so no one was upset or disturbed by their discomfort.
She just wasn't that kind of lady.
She was the kind of lady that sang in opera houses and saloons, not in elegant parlors. Someday she would sing beside her baby's cradle. She was the kind that could cook and clean her home, do the mending, but struggled with staying on a budget and couldn't influence a husband to better himself. The kind of lady that always yearned for the unattainable yet seemed to have a knack for surviving the worst.
"I love you," she heard through her hysterics. "I love you."
He had wrapped his muscular arms around her, and she leaned back into them. Sherman had destroyed everything they had built, except that. How his love survived while Sherman had destroyed everything else, she couldn't understand. A surge of fury surged through her, and she shook within her frame.
"I hate him, Jason! May the Lord forgive me, I hate him!"
"I think God understands," Jason whispered in her hair.
She felt hot. She pushed away from him and stood, fanning herself while she paced. "No, you don't understand. I wish he'd died in pain. I wish he had been hurt just like he hurt so many other people! It's not fair! It's not fair that he's destroyed everything! So many lives are lost! Mothers, daughters, sisters... not to mention the men he's killed. He killed Doreen's beau! And our baby is without a father! What am I supposed to do?! I can't let Sherman destroy his life too!"
"Laurie, he can't hurt our child. It's out of his reach."
"But he already did!" she said, almost hitting the pitch of a wail. "It's all gone! Oh, I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do!"
"The first thing you do is calm down."
Laurie tripped at the firmness in his voice and fidgeted with her fingers.
"The second thing you do is let me be here for you."
"What's the third?"
"The third is I take you home—I'll take you back to the saloon and draw you a bath. And when you've bathed, and are relaxed, and have had a decent meal, we'll talk about what we're going to do next."
"You're not my husband, Jason."
"I know that. Many men are in love with their women long before they marry, Laurie."
Her mind flew in a hundred different directions, ignoring the shooting pains that plagued her head. "I don't understand what you're saying."
He smiled sadly and stood in front of her, his hands firmly gripping her shoulders. The acrid smell of smoke was oddly intoxicating, reminding her of lit candles and the fires that had warmed them on chilly nights.
"I'm saying, I love you. I don't care what the legal papers say, Laurie. We were married, legally as we knew it, and we acted accordingly. Not a soul in Seattle cares about what has happened. They're concerned about you because they're worried I won't stand by you. But that's not true. I know that. I think you do too."
"You'll take care of your responsibilities."
"Yes. No," he amended, scrutinizing her every flinch. "I don't want you to think this is about..." He brushed his hand over her belly so lovingly she shivered. "I know it's not ideal. It's not the romantic notions we grew up with. But who says it's not romantic?"
Laurie blinked. She was talking about the destruction of their lives, and he was talking romance? "Sherman destroyed our home!"
"No, it's not destroyed. It's mostly burned, but as you can see," he said, caressing a rose on the vanity, "there are some things that are still here. And we're still here. He tried so hard to taint your name and kill you. But he couldn't because together, we were stronger than he was. We're here, together. We're alive, with our reputations intact."
"But we weren't stronger. Our home is gone, our marriage is nonexistent, and our baby..."
"Our child has two parents that have fought hard for it. Darling, let Campbell go."
"I'm trying! It's just, everywhere I look, I see what he's done. I can't just let go, not now!"
"Not now?"
"We're sinners, Jason. Lovers. Adulterers."
She had choked the words out, and Jason snorted. "The hell we are."
He looked away, and she followed his gaze to the bedroom door that remained carelessly open. She blushed, imagining what the men outside must be thinking. When their eyes met again, his jaw was set. "I have meant it every time I've told you I loved you."
"Jason, you can't love the sin away."
"And when I said I would take you wherever you wanted to go, I meant that too."
"I know you meant those things."
"Whether we're married or not."
Laurie's heart nearly leaped out of her chest.
"You didn't want the annulment, and I forced you into it," he continued. "I thought what I did was right. I can't say I would have done differently because I didn't. I hated myself for it, and it's to my sorrow if I lose you now. I've seen the state penitentiary, Laurie. It's no place for you."
Laurie couldn't talk. She didn't want to see him like this. Understanding, yet the usual crinkles around his eyes were gone. His voice, his shoulders... everything about him felt grave. It was difficult to see him so serious.
"But I don't want to lose our family. We have a child together. So whatever you want, wherever you want, however you want it, we'll do it. We'll do it because no matter what you choose, I want to be with you."
She shook her head and tapped her throat. His smile was sad as he wrapped his arms around her. Misgivings aside, she let him. More tears pooled in her eyes now, and she drew in a shuddering breath.
"It's going to be fine," Jason continued, stroking her hair. "I knew when it happened how you felt. I betrayed you, darling. May the good Lord forgive me, but I did, and I'd do it again. I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry I'm hurting you now. Just give it some time. That's all I ask, just give it some time."
Laurie nodded even though she lost control. She buried her face in his jacket, her shoulders heaving with silent sobs. He continued to stroke her hair and sighed. "I wanted to be the one that told you. I'm so sorry, Laurie. I'm so very sorry."
"Oh, Jason! I can't think," she mumbled into his shirt.
"It's okay. None of its easy to take in, and that's without recovering like you're doing from a cool knock in the head. But darling, it will get better. I promise."
Laurie squeezed her eyes shut. But what they were talking about was too important. He needed to know everything. If he was going to be rubbed raw with honesty, it was only fair she should be too. "I still look for him."
Jason stiffened and leaned away to look her in the eye. "Campbell?"
"I can't seem to help myself."
"Darling, he's only been dead for less than two weeks. It takes time."
"Yes, but how much time?"
"It doesn't matter."
"No? Are you sure you want to be saddled with a woman that might be a little insane?" Jason opened his mouth to argue, but she continued, "Things are settling down in Seattle, and it's business as usual for everyone... except me. He's in my head! He buried me, Jason! You aren't there at night anymore, but I wake up, feeling as though the walls are closing in on me."
Jason pushed stray strands of her hair away from her face with gentle strokes. "It will fade."
"Will it? The question in my mind is, if I truly care about you, how could I ever allow you to be tied to a woman you never wanted in the first place? And what about the baby?"
"What about our child?" he asked, irritation obvious in his voice.
"I—I know we have to remarry, for the baby's sake. It's expected, but..."
"Don't you want to?"
Jason had said it quietly, shocking Laurie out of her flow of words. She took a deep breath."What if I can't take care of it? What if I'm too—I know you've thought about this," she said when he started shaking his head.
"Who made you think something like that?"
"Joshua. Lottie..."
"But not me?"
Everything she said felt wrong. She tore at her hands, nausea taking over her senses. "No... not you."
Jason bent to kiss her cheek and walked stiffly toward the door. His shoulders were square, but when he looked at her, he was anything but angry. "I want to marry you," he said softly, "because I love you. And I know you'll be a wonderful mother to our child. I don't blame you for needing time. I expected that, but I had hoped... well, it doesn't really matter what I had hoped, does it?"
Laurie couldn't answer him. Instead, she wiped her eyes clear of tears, only to be replaced by more.
"So, whatever it is you need from me to help you, you tell me. Aaron is starting on the wood for our cabin. I'm going to focus on rebuilding it so whenever you're ready, you'll have a home." He paused and shook his head. "But if you want to go someplace else, then we can sell it."
"What if I need some time alone?"
She watched Jason's shoulders slump as though they had the weight of the world on them. "Then you'll have it. Do you want to be alone just now?"
Laurie took in a shuddering breath. "Yes, if you don't mind."
Jason shook his head. "No, take all the time you want. I'll, ah, I'll wait for you to collect yourself, and then we'll go back to Lottie's. I was serious, Laurie. You need to rest, and I know it seems impossible, but try to calm yourself. I told you, you have me. In any way you want, you have me, and you have our baby. Nothing else matters."
"You're right," she whispered. "Thank you, Jason."
She watched him close what was left of the door without looking back, and there was an eruption of male voices outside. Jason's tones were dark but firm, and she heard the voices drift away from where she stood. She sat and laid her head down on her vanity, and while her eyes no longer leaked tears, she continued to weep in her mind.
JASON
He had wanted to put it delicately, not blaze through the facts like a fire through a forest. Somehow with Laurie, nothing ever went according to plan. Jason took another tasteless bite of a sandwich and chewed thoughtfully, trying to ignore the fact that she hadn't asked for him after he drew her bath. And now the sun was dipping low in the sky.
"Well, that was a waste," said Lottie, setting an uneaten plate of food on the table and a glass of buttermilk in front of him before sitting. "She's not eating."
"I'm not surprised."
"Hmm... from the looks of it, you don't have much of an appetite yourself."
Jason picked up his beer and watched two loggers grumble over a game of cards. "No, I don't suppose I do."
"Well, don't just sit there! Do something!"
Jason set the beer down so hard the foam spilled over the top. "What?! What do you want me to do, Lottie? Go up there and force myself on her?!"
There wasn't a sound in the saloon while everyone waited for Lottie's response, but Lottie sat still, observing him through slit eyes.
Guilt gnawed at Jason until he caved. "Oh, Lottie, I'm sorry," he said, pulling his hand over his eyes. "I guess I'm not myself."
"And I'm sorry she overheard us talking. We should have been more careful."
Jason shifted in the chair and gestured in the air. "She didn't say who it was."
"Well, we're the only ones she could have overheard."
"Maybe." Jason glanced up the stairs, still unable to decide if he should go upstairs or stay put.
Lottie studied him for a moment. Her eyes widened, and she leaned forward. "I've never seen you this scared, except maybe when Josh threatened to leave Seattle, and even then I don't think you were this bad off."
"Everyone gets scared, Lottie. I've just never been this close to losing a woman before. My family."
"Okay, so things look a little shaky. Tell me what grand scheme you've come up with to win her back."
"What scheme?"
"The one you always come up with when things go wrong. Come on, you can't quit now. Fight for her!"
"I am. I'm respecting her wishes."
"Pffft. You're sulking."
"Maybe, but I—"
Jason quit talking as he observed Richard walk in, his boots and long overcoat covered in grime. He looked like he hadn't shaved in days and walked with a limp. Lottie scooted over as the lawman sat down across from Jason.
"Tell me you've told her," he said to Jason.
"I didn't tell her, but she knows."
Richard groaned. He took his hat off to run his fingers twice through his hair vigorously to scratch his scalp, standing his brown hair on end. He replaced his wide-brimmed, black cattleman's hat back on his head. "Got a drink for an overworked marshal?" he asked Lottie.
"Coming right up," said Lottie, giving Jason a pointed look before making her way to the bar, her skirts swaying as she walked.
Jason leaned forward on the table and asked, "Well, what happened to you?"
"The usual. My ex-deputy thought he could outrun me. I should have known he'd try. Ended up having to chase his ornery hide, one thing led to another, and I shot him. Then I had to drag his whining backside back to the wagon to retrieve Campbell's body, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera."
Watson had delayed the rest of the men the day Sherman died. Once Ben and Clancey's half of the posse had reached the lumber camp, the man had disappeared, and shortly open fired on a group of men, including Jeremy. Later, when questioned, he revealed that they had laid several traps out, hoping the men would have to go to the camp for a horse. He was supposed to have delayed them until Sherman came back, finished once and for all with Laurie.
Only Richard and Kincaid had circled around while Joshua and Jeremy, along with their men, distracted the deputy and shot him in the shoulder. He'd been in so much pain he was easy to subdue after that. They had been racing back to Seattle when they crossed paths with Christopher and Brodie, all arriving just in time to see Sherman sail over Laurie. Later that week Richard had left for Olympia with Sherman's body and former Deputy Watson to stand trial.
"Sounds exhausting."
"That's the way it is sometimes. How'd she take it?"
Jason glanced at the plate Lottie had left on the table. "She's not eating."
"Great. Thank you, Miss Lottie," he said when she sat a bottle of whiskey and a glass in front of him. He immediately poured himself a drink.
Jason and Lottie exchanged a look. Richard's unusual use of a first name surprised them both.
"You're welcome," she said, sitting back down. "It wasn't Jason's fault Laurie was blindsided. The girls and I were too busy gossiping to know she was around. Oh, I wish we'd kept our fat mouths shut!"
"Lottie, I told you, we don't know who it was."
"She wouldn't come to the door, Jason. It was me and the girls."
Richard set his glass down after a long sip. "That's exactly what I needed. When did this happen?"
"Earlier today," Jason replied.
"Even better," Richard grumbled and took another sip. "All right. So she's what? Mad?"
"I think it's worse than that," said Jason. "She's betrayed. I think she's giving up."
"Hmm. Think she'll see me?"
Jason stood. "We can always try."
"Has she refused to see you?"
"No, but I told her I'd give her as much time as she needed. She hasn't asked for me."
Richard rolled his eyes. Jason didn't find it as charming as when Laurie did it.
"Always the gentleman. Well, I suppose, that's good. Laurie needs a gentleman in her life. Heaven knows I'm not one." He poured himself another glass and raised it slightly to Lottie. "I'll settle when I come back from Armageddon. You might save me the bottle, ma'am."
"Of course," she said, her eyes still wide.
Jason led the way up the stairs. Halfway up, Richard asked, "I got her name right, didn't I?"
"Lottie? You got it right."
"Good. Figured if this was where I was going to be visiting my sister, it was time I better remember some of the locals." He grinned at Jason. "The saloon owner seemed to be the best person to start with."
"Of course," said Jason, giving him a smile in return even though he knew it didn't reach his eyes.
"My sister is going to be fine. She always is. Has grit."
Jason continued up the stairs, not voicing his thoughts. She wasn't always fine, and this wasn't exactly like before. She'd been terrorized, and now the one man she had finally allowed herself to trust had failed her. He was no better than the rest of them.
Jason looked inside his room, and seeing it empty, motioned for Richard to knock. Richard rapped on her door quickly. "Laurie! You in there?"
There was a slow creak from inside, and the door opened. Jason observed silently from the side while Laurie and Richard stared at each other. Damp, disheveled and limp, her hair looked like she had been lying down, as did her skirt full of wrinkles. She wore no lip rouge, her cheeks were sallow, and it was obvious she had spent the rest of the day crying. Jason felt his heart crack.
"Jason tells me you know about the annulment," Richard said gently, again surprising Jason by using his first name. "Don't blame him. It was my fault."
"I'm sure it was," she said without feeling.
"And I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. In fact, I tried to have it reversed in Olympia. That's why I was late getting back."
"Richard, you can't do that."
"I know. But I did try."
"That was kind of you."
Leaving the door open, she walked back into the room. Richard motioned for Jason to enter, but he shook his head. She hadn't acknowledged his presence. He would give her the space she required.
Richard muttered under his breath, something irreverent about Jason's choice. "Is it okay if Jason comes in?" he said loud enough for Laurie to hear.
"If it pleases him."
Richard jerked his head toward the room and led Jason inside. Jason meandered past the bedroom door and noticed there was a packed bag on the bed. After a glance at Richard, he looked at Laurie and caught her watching him, "Are you going someplace?"
She nodded but didn't respond.
"Of all the stupid... Laurie, answer him. Where are you going?" Richard demanded.
"I'm not sure. I thought I'd go to see Jenny. Just to say hello. And Doreen, too." She lifted her eyes to meet Jason's. "Please understand."
"I do."
Richard watched the two of them with pointed frustration. For all that Richard was, subtle wasn't a word Jason would use to describe him. "You bought a ticket on the stage?"
Laurie shook her head. "I'm going to go with the captain tonight. He told me he was leaving this morning, but I hadn't made it outside to tell him." She averted her eyes from Jason and said, "I wasn't feeling up to it yet."
"Clancey's only going to Portland," Jason muttered, his eyebrows knitted in a frown.
"I was planning on getting passage on another boat once I got there. I'm sure he'll help me find one with a reputable captain."
"Yes, I'm sure he'd do that for you."
Richard stared at Jason as if he'd lost his mind and then blew out a gush of air. "All right. I'll go book passage for both of us unless you want to change her mind?" Richard asked Jason.
Hell yes, he wanted to change her mind. He wanted to grab her, whisk her away to the top of his mountain, and... no. She was eyeing him curiously, and the realization hit him. Well, damn. She was testing him. She was making a choice. It wasn't the one he wanted her to make, but it was a choice all on her own.
He shook his head slowly. "No. She's perfectly capable of knowing her own mind. You stay and help your sister. I'll talk to Clancey." With that, he grimly set off to find the old captain, wishing his heart would cease aching long enough for him to reason out what to do.