Later, night approached. I layed it my bed.
'That's just idiotic from him.'
I remembered Yukine's words and chlunched the sheets of my bed. "I changed... But where are you...? Damn it..." I pulled the blanket over my head. "If you'll come too late... I won't be able to see you anymore... Idiot..." Suddendly I felt my phone vibrating. I grabbed and opened it. "A new message...?" I opened the message just to see that it was from Hiyori. I gulped and opened it.
Hey. Are you alright? Yukine and I were worried ( °A°) Is something wrong? You can talk to us anytime, you know? But also, if you don't want to talk about it, then you don't have to. Just want to let ya know that we're here for you and want to help you :)
Tears welled up in my eyes, once again. "If only you could help me..." I layed the phone beside my pillow and fell asleep. But only for a while. After a few moments, I woke up. It was kinda cold. As I sat up, I saw that the window was open. Without even bothering to close it, I went to my desk and held up the new book which was lying on it. "Once again huh...?" I stepped to the open window with the book in my hands. Tears fell on it. "For how long will this go on like this, Yato...?" I stared at the tree which was in front of the window. "I'm sorry... Akira..." For a split second I heard Yato's voice. The leaves of the tree rusteled and it looked as if someone jumped of the branch. I didn't even look down to see who it was. I already knew who it was. But still...
...why am I letting him go...?
I opened the book. And read what was written in the back of the book cover.
"Almost made it!"
My voice trembeled as I read it. "If how I am right now is an 'almost made it' for you, then what do I have to do more, to see you again...?" I clenched the book against my chest. "I already have done all I can..." Tears dropped on the floor, as my knees gave in and I fell. "Right now... I smile. Even though I'm not happy at all. I want to be happy. Even though I think of sad things. I say I'm okay. But I'm not. I say I don't care... Even though I really do...! I'm a paradox... Just like back then... But now... Where's my hero...? Just where...?"
What if heroes actually don't exist? What if my life is just a conflicted contradiction...? What if... The actual problem is me...?
"Back then I wanted to be saved. I wanted to stop hurting others and being hurt. I managed to not hurt others. But is seems as if I still am getting hurt..." I laughed, wiping away my tears. "It just doesn't make sense at all..." I crawled back into my bed. The book still on my arms. I hugged it thightly. Falling into a deep sleep, on my pillow, soaked with tears. The fact that I probably won't be ever able to be happy... To be with them... To be with him... Is unbearable.
Maybe after all... What I want is...
Maybe, after dying everything will be just fine. Maybe I can be happy. Maybe I finally will be able to restart my life. And maybe even... Smiling a smile which is not faked...
To survive and live...
[Author's Note]
This kinda took a while. Goumen. Something came inbetween... *cough* internet *cough* It is almost midnight, where I live. I am supposed to learn biology. But screw that. I don't know shit anyways. Right now I just feel like Akira. I wanna sleep and wake up when it's all over (/)(\) why, you ask? I'll have to write an biology exam, R.E. exam, history exam and math exam. Oh gosh, kill me now ._. But hey! If I survive this week, it'll soon be christmas! Holiday will start! Yaaaay! //parties hard (lol tbh i read panties hard instead of parties hard) Okay, well now it's two minutes past midnight... I'm starting to say weird things so... See ya in the next chapter, I guess...? Bye!