Allodoxaphobia- Fear of opinions.
I clip Cookie back on the leash and run. I just bolt out. Soon enough, I make it out of the forest.
'Phew', I sigh. 'Come on Cookie, lets go back', I say and we head back to the main road.
'Mum! Did you. I was. There is', I puff out.
'A freaking BUSH FIRE!', I yell and slam my hands on the kitchen table.
'Yeah like when I was jogging there with cookie, I saw smoke', I exclaim.
'What! Pepper, be careful', says mum. 'Dont get hurt'. She walks over to me and inspects my skin.
'I didn't get burnt mum, obviously', I roll my eyes.
'Okay. And I got the groceries', I say and grab a sugar plum out of the bag and slump it down on the marble countertop. I head upstairs and bite into the sweet flesh of my favourite fruit.
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'Meet you out your door in 5 minutes', says Jess on the phone.
'Where are we going', I exclaim.
I hate surprises.
'Somewhere fun and get changed', says Jess and hangs up.
I make my way to my wardrobe and pull out my hoodie and denim shorts. I get changed.
Beep, honks Jessica. I look out of the dusty window. She's in her black car waiting for me. I go down stairs and shout to mum.
'Im going out, be there back by six', I say and run out the door in a flash before she can change her mind.
'Where are we going', I exclaim to Jess as she parks her car at Adrian's house.
People enter the driveway. They wear bras and underwear.
'What the hell', I say.
I look closely and no they are not wearing underwear.
Bikinis
'Oh no', I say.
'Jess! I can't!', I explain.
I shake my head repeatedly.
'Come on Pepper, it's been like a few months and I never said you have to swim', she suggests and pulls me to his house. "I need you here, Brax is going to be here and I don't want to be alone!", she says.
'Plus he is really nice and I think he has a crush on me and I like him too', pleads Jess.
'Why did you drag me here?', I question.
'Because your my bestie and you need to go out today. You haven't been socially out for a while. You need fun', she protests.
Now she is starting to sound like my therapist.
'Fine', I give up.
I nearly get a panic attack when I see the huge pool in the middle of the yard. My heart beats rapidly and I panic. I turn around.
'Jess! No no no!'
I squeeze my iPhone so tight it gives me marks.
'Pepper', says Jess calmly.
'Its ok. You can do this. Trust me', says Jess.
'Im staying out', I state and sit down on the chair. I grab my iPhone and browse on tumblr. Just when I was going to post a picture, someone interrupts me. Ben walks out of the pool and notices me.
'Hot', he says and nods toward me. I blush.
'Um excuse me', I state.
'It's freaking hot. The weather. Why aren't you going in', he Goes red.
'Um well I don't really want to', I mutter and stand up.
Im so socially awkward.
I doubt he knows what happened to at the pools 3 months ago, I think he moved in at our school about two months ago.
'You sure', he jokes.
He looks back at his mates. Then he comes up to me and grabs my waist. He pulls me near the edge of the pool. I get a really bad panic attack. I scream.
'No! Stop it', I yell.
My heart is racing. If I fall into the pool, god Ben is going to be dead. Then Jess my savior spots me.
'Ben you idiot! What the hell are you doing!', yells Jess and pinches him.
'Wow, why the anger. It's a joke', he says and puts me down.
I stagger back and escape out of the yard. I can't breathe. I feel eyes on me as I hurry out of the gate. That was a death trap. That was too much. No wonder why I don't go to parties. My head hurts and I feel horrible. I get sudden flash backs of what happened months ago. The look on his face just reminded me of Him.
I sob and collapse on the ground. If I fell down into that water, I would light Bens corpse on fire and toss it into a junk yard.
I hear Jess talking to Ben. 'I didn't know', he says. Footsteps clank towards me. My hoodie sleeve is all wet from the tears. It's Hayley. She crouches down next to me.
'Hey Pepper', she mutters.
'I saw what happened there. Ben is a dumbass. He didn't know what really happened', says Hayley.
'Sorry I don't know what's wrong with me. I want to other but I can't', I mutter. One deep breath. I think. Two deep breaths. Three deep breaths, I say in my head and hope the anxiety goes away but I still feel shaken and bad memories flood me. I look up at the same road. The road where it happened. It seems cheerful at this time in summer. The flowers are blooming and it rather looks lively.
'Peps, lets go', says Hayley and pulls me.
'It's really hard lately, it just comes and goes', I yell.
With one deep breath I sigh and follow Hayley to her car.
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'So how was your week Pepper', says Dr Iris, my therapist.
I think back to the pool party.
'Horrible', I mutter.
Dr Iris frowns and writes things on her clipboard. She looks at me and raises an eyebrow, giving me that look. The look when parents and old people expect you to tell the story. The truth.
'It's just that. One night I had a horrible dream and James was there like. I woke up and I was shaken up. In the dream he was there and he was saying the important thing that he wanted to tell me! I was panicking', I blurt out.
'Alright', says Dr iris and writes down more on the clipboard. 'Anything else?'.
I fiddle with my sleeves and wonder if I should tell.
'I saw him again. It was so real. James was standing in my room! He came up to me and HUGGED ME! It felt so warm but yet really frightening. I know it was all MY fault of what happened. Everyone blames me. But he was actually there and he didn't look so sad at all. He was happy but it was a bit creepy and I expected him to be mad at me for baiscally killing him!', I frantically yell.
Great. Now I'm seeing things and everyone thinks I'm crazy.
'No it's just'. I sob. I can't take it anymore. Every session I end up on the floor crying and feeling so broken.
'When did you see him', Dr Iris assures me.
'About a week ago maybe. I was in my room watching movies as usual and I think it was about 1am maybe. Then he appeared out of nowhere and there was the time where we went to the carnival together and it was so real', I stutter.
'I know you think I'm crazy but he was there'.
'Pepper, believe me. I do not think you are crazy. I'm sure your friends and family think so too. And no one blames you. The reason they do is because they are just as sad as you are and when your sad, things can happen. But they know that you are the one that didn't cause the accident', she assures me.
Lies lies lies.
She is just saying that to make me feel better.
After explaining everything to Dr Iris I head home. The door creaks as i step into my house. My brother Sam is doing the Xbox. Mum notices my red eyes from crying. I walk over to the kitchen and get a glass of water. Mum walks up to me and places her arms around my shoulders and gives me a squeeze.
After dad broke it with mum because he was having an affair, she was miserable. She didn't want to cook, she didn't want to do anything really. So I took over the house for a while Until she could cope again. And after what happened to me, she helped me through all this tough times like when I helped her. James' mum was also my mums friend. They came over and cooked, talked, read and had meals with us. Me and James would go upstairs and sit on the couch and watch movies and laugh together. He would play Xbox with my brother too. James was really nice and I loved him. But now that all changed. Ever since the accident, they blamed me. I had anxiety and stressed that I was blamed for. I did blame myself and felt like commiting suicide. His mum stopped coming to our house. Their dad never spoke to us. I basically locked myself in my room and weeped for a week. My whole world crumbled. When he died in front of me, I just couldn't take it. My heart just felt like it was bruised and battered every hour. Even though James was sometimes a douche, he still loved me. I wonder what it was he was going to say right before his life was cut short.
After the talk, I walk into the bathroom. I am a mess. Ping! My iPhone notifications pop up on screen. Um hey Pepper. It's me Ben. I just wanted to tell you I'm sorry for what happened a few days before. 'Ugh', I roll my eyes and ignore the message.
I fall into my sofa and watch The Lord of the rings on the computer. Before I know it I fall into a deep coma of sleep.
Now it's three in the morning and I'm trying to change your mind, left you multiple missed calls and to my message you reply, from Why'd you only call me when your high Arctic Monkeys song blasts on my alarm clock. I get a slight panic attack when I realize I'm here on my couch but them remember that I fell asleep last night. I walk over to my bed and punch my alarm clock off. After groaning and cursing about how stupid school is, I head to the bathroom to get changed.
'You sure you are ok after what happend at the pools', asks Jess looking guilty.
'Im really sorry, I shouldn't have dragged you here but I thought it would be fun for us', says Jess, looking down.
'It's okay Jess. That was four days ago now. I feel fine and that was just a small panic attack'.
Not.
'Easy for you to say Jess, your like a party animal', argues Hayley.
'Guess what. Adrian was totally hitting on me. He is so cute and I am going to hang out with him', chirps Jess.
'Well okay then', Hayley playfully rolls her eyes.
Hayley is super nice and comforts me. Whenever I am sad or anything she is always there and assures me that everything is ok.
'I was just being a real baby, I should have gotten over it but its just so hard you know', I whisper.
'Aw okay then, I'm just really sorry Peps, i'll make it up to you soon', says Jessica and leaves for first period of class.
'Trust me Pepper, if you need me then text me or anything', says Hayley walking off into the other side of the school building.
'See you at third period', shouts Hayley.
I hate being alone. Like I feel so uncomfortable or really insecure.
When after a week of what happened to James, I didn't go to school. I was too depressed and had anxiety to deal with stupid school. When I came back, everyone looked at me like I was a ugly freak. I got blamed for his shit. Of course Hayley and Jess came up to me and reassured me but by the time they explained everything to make me feel okay, I left the building. Then I didn't go again for a few days and came back. Classes returned to normal and everyone didn't care about me. I was now in the shadows and that's where I belong. Before that, I was completely different. I was actually popular and loved all the attention to be honest but now, I'm just as weak and depressed freak as I am. I don't even know why Ben called me 'hot' at the pools. I am so ugly and hate myself. Some people don't know exactly about his death. They were told everything but didn't mention me but some rumors go around that I made him die. Those rumors are true. It was a horrible sight and now it's all gone. All our wonderful memories are perished forever in the depths of gone. There's a wound in my heart that can never be fixed. I can't even fall in love anymore. Never ever. I don't even want to. I better say away from him.
I open my locker door and put back my text books. Turning around I make my way to the canteen where Hayley and I hang around.
'Oomph', a sound makes as I fall into a boy.
In an Awkward position..
'Crap I'm so sorry', I say awkwardly.
'No it's ok'.
I recognize the voice. Ben. I keep my head down and try to get out of the situation as soon as possible then he looks up at me.
'Oh it's you Pepper', he awkwardly says. I cringe by the thought.
'I'm so sorry for what happened in the pool party', he says.
I try to avoid eye contact with him.
'Yeah Hayley told me that you were really afraid of the water', says Ben.
I bless Hayley for covering me.
'Um yeah', I quietly mutter and scurry off to the canteen.
'You don't really talk much', he says.
~
'Ben was really weird', I explain to Hayley.
'I just kept my head down and walked off'.
'You think everyone is weird', says Hayley, rolling her eyes.
He is like really weird and I hate him still for nearly pushing me into the pool. I was literally gonna have a hella huge panic attack if I got wet. Ben keeps on looking at me, he is so weird.
'Hey guys', chirps Jess as she sits next to me in the benches outside.
Some boys walk pass us and give a look to Hayley. Hayley is like the stereotypical Cliché popular girl like in those movies. Awesome looks, perfect hair and slim shape. Also to point out, her eyebrows are on fleek. Shes on her phone all the time and I have no idea why but she doesn't have a boyfrined although many guys wish to be with her. Hayley always goes out with boys and date and stuff but she's never had a boyfriend that lasted longer than like 2 weeks. Compared to me I'm like a fugly troll next to her in my hoodie and skinny jeans. I don't even know why Hayley hangs out with a weirdo like me sometimes. Like I'm such a mental freak who panics about everything. Jess on the other hand, is nothing like me. She wears a oversized band tee and black jeggings. Jessica is like the complete opposite of me. She is outgoing, loud and just out there and hangs out with boys all the time (and with us too).
I guess it started from year 7.
Flashback:
First impressions. Always. 'Don't judge a book by its cover', they say. That is nonscence. Everyone does that. Who dosent. First day of school for year 7. I was pumped and excited. When I came into the class, I judged everyone. Pretty. ugly. Weird. Fugly. Looks like a loner. Looks nice. Pretty. Looks like a popular girl in year 6.
Then in ten minutes of first class and getting to know everyone, a girl came through the door late.
'Sorry miss, there was huge traffic', says the pretty girl with dark blondish hair.
'Alright, take a seat. What's your name', teacher says.
'Hayley Williams', she gladly repeats and sits on a seat. Next to me.
'Well she seems like a overly confident queen mean bitch', I thought.
'Nah I accidently slept in', says Hayley next to me.
I start laughing cos she just seem like that type.
'I do that all the time'.
'Hey what's your name', she randomly asks.
'Pepper'.
'Cool name'.
'Want to be friends'.
'Wow she is over confident', I thought.
'Sure'.
With Jess it was a whole new story.
'Hey Jess, I reply and go back to secretly watching teen wolf on my iPhone. Teachers always say no phones and to bring it to the office and collect it at the end of the day.
No one really does that.
After a whole lot of watching, Jess nudges me. I take my headphones out of my ears and pause the vid.
'What do you want', I say.
'We were like talking all about you Peps, and you didn't notice?', asks Jess, raising an eyebrow.
'You eyes were like glued to the screen, and anyway what are you watching'.
'Teen wolf s', I reply.
'Now shut up cos it's my favourite part', I snap and go back to watching.
'Whatever', says Jess and goes back to talking. I think I can hear her say something about the school formal or something. I hate the school dance. It's so cheesy like those ones in the movies how you bring your boyfriend or girlfriend and you dance and stuff like that. I was going to go with James this year since I was dating him for like a couple of months but unfortunately the incident happened and he is not here.
I grab my books when the bell rings and make my way to floor C. After lunch we have chemistry and its so stupid. Like what is the point of learning molecules and crap like that. I'm not gonna become like a medicine maker or anything to do with this lesson.