Alec didn't know what had woken him. It was dark in the bedroom, only the milky rays from the moon and glimmering stars illuminated the bedroom’s interior with a pale light. Alec blinked sporadically as he tried to adjust his vision to the dismal darkness. It took a few seconds, but he discerned that it was eerily quiet in the room. Too quiet , he thought. Alec fumbled blindly in the darkness to feel the space next to him but found the other side of the bed cold and empty.
A glance at the alarm clock revealed that it was just after two in the morning. Frustrated, he rubbed his face, trying to dispel the tiredness that was bidding to drag him back to sleep.
A yawn escaped him as he sat up to gather himself out of bed and without turning the light on, he reached for his sweater and sweatpants which he had thrown over one of the two armchairs before going to bed. Goosebumps spread over his upper body and Alec would have liked nothing more than to crawl back under the warm covers, but he wanted to check on Magnus. Quickly, he put on his sweater and pants and immediately felt warmer for it.
It was the second night in a row that Magnus didn't really sleep. Alec had barely seen the assassin over the past two days, as Magnus had been busy desperately trying to find out where Lilith had disappeared too. The assassin was certain that she was the one who had sent the doctored photos. But why? This remained a mystery. Unfortunately, an examination of her apartment revealed nothing, much less a lead to anything.
Alec found Magnus on the balcony. The assassin stood with his back to the french doors, his arms perched on the parapet, his head tilted slightly backwards. Magnus wore only a thin dressing gown and matching pyjama bottoms and the sight alone caused a cold shiver to run down the Duke's spine. He must be freezing.
Deciding that something warm to drink might helpt, Alec went into the kitchen. He searched for the tea Izzy had brought with her on one of her visits and found it in the corner of one of the cupboards. The box was still sealed. Alec normally preferred coffee, but he thought that tea would be a better choice for a nighttime drink.
The smell of cinnamon and orange flowed from the box when he opened it, and Alec took a closer look at the packaging. Happiness tea was written on the box, he shook his head and rolled his eyes.
Juggling the two teacups in one hand, Alec reached for a woollen blanket on his way to the balcony. He quietly opened the glass door and joined Magnus under the stars.
“I hope you like cinnamon and orange. Unfortunately, I have nothing else," Alec said apologetically.
Magnus turned to him and Alec realized he that didn't even look surprised to see him. The assassin accepted one of the two cups, smiling gratefully at him.
“Thank you, Alexander. Orange and cinnamon, is just perfect."
Returning the smile, Alec put his mug on the small side table and unfolded the wool blanket he had brought out with him. The assassin looked surprised when he draped it over his shoulders.
“You are trembling."
“Oh, I didn't notice."
“So lost in thought?"
“Mmm ..."
“What are you thinking about? "
“Everything and nothing," The assassin murmured.
Alec raised an eyebrow but said nothing. If Magnus wanted to talk about it, he would do so. Alec had learned over the past few days that pushing him wouldn't help.
Silence spread between them as they drank their tea, enjoying each other's company for the moment.
“Have you ever wondered if anyone lives on one of those stars?" Alec asked after a few minutes, looking up to the nights’ sky.
Magnus chuckled softly.
“What?" Alec asked as he glanced at Magnus, then turned his attention back to the sky. The stars sparkled like little diamonds in the sunshine.
“I was serious with the question. I just can't imagine that we're the only ones who live in this huge universe."
Magnus hummed in agreement but remained silent. Minutes passed in which neither of them spoke, both lost to their own thoughts.
“Do you think my mother now lives on one of them?"
Alec looked at the assassin with astonishment. Magnus regarded him and shook his head in agreement, as though he couldn't believe what he had just said.
“Forget it. That was just childish."
“No. No not at all," Alec hastened to say.
“I miss her," Magnus whispered it so quietly that Alec almost thought he had imagined the assassin's words.
Hearing a soft sniffle, Alec turned himself around to face Magnus noticing the assassin’ head had lolled forward and he was now tightly gripping the parapet. Magnus lifted a hand to his face and swept away tears that were falling down his face.
“Hey ..." Alec said quietly as he placed a hand on Magnus' shoulder to comfort him.
“Sorry, I don't know what's gotten into me lately. I'm not usually so sentimental."
“You don't have to apologize, Magnus. It's ok to miss your mom."
Magnus rubbed his cheeks again and suddenly straightened himself. Alec could tell the exact moment Magnus began to bury his emotions behind his mask again.
“Has Jace heard anything from Maia?"
Alec shook his head, not surprised that Magnus changed the subject.
“He will contact her again tomorrow and ask how far she has gotten."
“Okay. I hope we hear something soon. We only have four days left."
“I know," Alec said quietly, sipping at his tea.
In four days the Order will decide whether or not he’ll live. Only four days left for the assassin to prove Alec's innocence: Four days and it will be determined whether or not Magnus had to pay the price.
Alec's heart achingly contracted at the thought as he gasped. He gripped his chest and rubbed at his skin trying to relieve the pain he felt in his heart, knowing full-well that it was not that easy.
“Are you all right, Alexander?" Magnus asked, his tone somewhat troubled.
“Yeah, it's nothing. Just a cramp."
Magnus narrowed his eyes.
“You are a terrible liar, you know."
Alec felt his cheeks warm, he was grateful for the darkness of the night.
“Really… Everything is fine," Alec tried to assure the assassin.
All of a sudden a hand was on his arm as Magnus came into view.
“You know you can tell me anything."
Could he? Could he tell Magnus that, despite odds with all logic, he has developed deep feelings for him? Could he tell Magnus that he is the first man in his life that he wants to be with for longer than a brief moment? Could he tell the assassin that he is on the verge of falling in love with him? Oh shit…
The realisation hit Alec like a hurricane, taking his breath away. He had known Magnus for just over a week now, and yet never felt so strongly for anyone as he does for this assassin. He had sworn to himself that he would not let this happen, but in spite of all his efforts not to allow his feelings to develop, he had failed.
Alec subconsciously licked his lips, trying to not panic or overreact to the realisation he’d just made, he noticed too late - Magnus had caught the movement of his tongue. The assassin gazed up, his eyes locking with Alec’s and Alec swallowed strenuously. Magnus' gaze was so intense that within an instant it felt as if his body was on fire. His breath quickened and his heart fluttered against his chest, alike to the rapid beating of a bird’s wings caught in a cage.
Magnus swiftly leaned forward towards him, and before Alec could take in what was happening - the assassin's lips brushed gently over his.
Powerless to move Alec was caught in the moment as he closed his eyes. They shared nothing more than a delicate caress of their lips, but it felt so warm and so soft - prompting an electric spark of warmth to explode at his core, proceeded by a gentle shiver that ran through Alec's entire body. It felt as though hundreds of butterflies were dancing in his stomach, this was mixed with the building fire in his body…
Slowly and almost hesitantly, Magnus’ tongue explored his mouth. Alec wished for nothing more than to be able to let it happen and accept the promise the assassin was making with this kiss.
But Alec couldn't let this happen. He just couldn't allow himself to give in to his feelings for Magnus. It took all of his willpower to break the kiss. His heart screamed frantically begging him not to, but Alec had always been someone who followed his mind, it was no different this time.
Alec broke away from Magnus taking a step back, he pushed the assassin away. The Duke saw the despair and hurt in the other man's eyes and almost pulled Magnus back into his arms.
“Why Alexander?" Magnus whispered.
“Why what?" Alec asked though he knew precisely what the assassin was asking.
“Why don't you listen to what your heart tells you? I know you feel what I feel.”
“I... I just can't, Magnus. It wouldn't be an appropriate decision. It just, wouldn't work."
“Is it because I'm an assassin?”
“Magnus ..." Alec turned away from him, unable to bear the pleading look in the other man’s eyes.
“Tell me the truth, Alexander," Magnus asked.
“Magnus, you… you kill people. It's just not right.” Alec didn't know why it was suddenly so important for him to clarify this.
“I don't just kill people. I am not a nefarious killer and you know that. I only do what others are not capable of doing because they are bound only by law.”
“But you are a murderer. A hitman,” Alec said. His voice trembled with suppressed anger, he didn't really know why he was so angry at this moment.
“I'm an assassin of the Order of the Bayang Hitam, yes! But I serve the balance between good and evil. I kill only those who truly deserve it."
“It's still not right. It's against the law.”
Alec knew Magnus was not a bad person. He had been able to take a look into the assassin's soul. It shone bright and pure. It was barely tainted by dark shadows, those that indicate Magnus had committed something unforgivable; something like killing people. Alec clenched his hands into fists, not knowing what he should do. His heart was still begging him to listen to his feelings but his mind was attempting to stop him from doing so. The conflict that was raging inside him threatened to tear him asunder.
“Have you ever tried to see the situation from a different perspective, Alexander?" Magnus abruptly asked.
“Why should I do that? There is no reason to justify murder. ”
“No? ”
"No!" Alec said harshly, turning back to face Magnus. “Killing is a sin."
Magnus sighed.
“So you'd rather let innocent people die, knowing that you could have prevented it? ”
Alec remained silent, avoiding the assassin's gaze.
“Answer me, Alexander," Magnus said, pushing him for a reply.
“I don't know, Magnus. I can’t answer that question. I… I just don’t know…" Alec stopped and pressed his lips firmly together, cutting himself off from saying anything else.
Magnus nodded to him as if he understood what was going through his head.
“I used to think like you once. When my father sent me on my first mission and I had to eliminate my first target. I wanted nothing more than to break free of my life. I cursed my father for forcing me to commit such terrible acts. I hated that I was too weak to rebel against him, that I didn't have the will or power to say no.”
“Magnus ..."
“No, please… Let me finish,” the assassin interrupted him. Alec sighed but signalled with a wave of his hand for him to continue.
“Years passed before I finally understood that being an assassin isn't only bad but also has its positive sides. I still remember the day when I finally understood something that my father has always tried to make clear to me. It was on my 18th birthday but instead of celebrating with my friends and family, my father sent me on another mission… I was to eliminate a serial killer. We had received enough evidence convincing us of the man's guilt. You may be wondering why we didn't inform the police back then, but the evidence we had was unofficial and the perpetrator had been able to provide an alibi for every day the murders had happened. We knew someone was covering for him."
Magnus closed his eyes and drawing in a deep breath…
“The night was cold and I sat on the rooftop for hours, freezing like hell. When my target finally went to bed and I was able to carry out my job unnoticed, the new day was almost dawning. Afterwards, I sat at his bed until I was sure that the man was really dead. Just as I was about to leave the apartment, the sun bathed the room in bright light and that’s when I noticed a slip of paper lying on his bedside table. It was a list of names. Some were crossed off, but most were not. I quickly realised that this was his list of the victims he was planning to kill and had already killed. I can't remember exactly how many names were on that list, but it was lengthy." Magnus gulped hard before he continued.
“I know that killing is a sin, that it is against law. I do not want to dispute that, and every day I hope that no one has to cross this line. But I chose to take those shadows on my soul. I'm not saying that I enjoy taking people's lives; quite the contrary. The moment the warm blood flows over my hands, I want nothing more than to be someone else. When I sit with them, waiting until they take their last breath, seeing the light disappear from their eyes, I want to change my life more than anything… It is horrifying. Every damn time. But then I remember why I'm doing this. Why I take their lives. Being an assassin gives me the opportunity to save others and that helps me to get through it. It makes it more bearable." Magnus sighed and he opened his eyes again, peering at him.
“I'm an assassin, Alexander. Trained to take people's lives. I can't change my past, I can't undo my actions. I can't change what or who I am."
Magnus fell silent. His breath was laboured, almost as if he had run a distance, the assassin wrapped his arms around his body, trying to give himself the comfort that Alec couldn't give him in that moment. It was tearing the Duke apart to see Magnus like this, but his mind forbade him to show compassion and instead of hugging Magnus the way his heart wanted to; Alec crossed his arms over his chest, trying to prevent his heart from winning over his head.
“That's not true. Everyone is responsible for their own actions and decisions. You decide who and what you are." Alec’s voice sounded calm, almost cold. No one would have suspected that there was a fight going on inside of Alec. Nobody would believe that his feelings were almost driving him to distraction.
Magnus winced at Alec's harsh words, but the assassin quickly regained control of himself and snorted.
“You are one to talk, Alexander. I have been able to observe you over the past few days, enough to say that you are not happy to have inherited your father's title."
“That is something different."
“How is it different?"
“I'm just doing my duty. I was born into this family. This life has been destined for me since I saw the light of day. I can't just say that I don't want to be a Duke anymore and turn my back on everything. Unfortunately, it's not that simple. It would mean the downfall of my family and I cannot allow that." Alec said matter of factly.
“So, you think it is different for me? I was also born into this family. Since my birth, it’s been predetermined that I follow in my father's footsteps, in both regards. I also am unable to say that I don’t want to do it. If I could just turn my back on the Order, if it were that easy, I would do it in a heartbeat, but I can’t… I'm bound by blood and oath and it would mean my death if I were to leave the Bayang Hitam. Whether I like it or not or not I can't change it."
There was so much anger in the last few words that Alec suddenly realised that Magnus really hated his life.
It was at this moment that Alec understood. He understood that Magnus didn't kill because he wanted to, but because he was forced to. He understood that Magnus didn't want to be an assassin, but couldn't change it and possibly would never be able to.
Even if Magnus had found a way to make sense of what he was doing, Alec realised that Magnus wanted nothing more than to find a way out of his life, but didn't know how to. Pictures of the past few days appeared in front of his eyes. Pictures of Magnus, how he had helped Izzy when she was fighting for her life or how he took the little girl on his lap and made her so incredibly happy at doing so. He saw Magnus crouching over him after saving his life for a second time and asking about his well-being even though he had been injured himself.
Yes, Magnus killed, took other people's lives, but he wasn't an evil person. He did it to stop the evil, and even if Alec disagreed with Magnus leading a life as an assassin, he could finally see that Magnus was more than that. Magnus was charming, generous, brave, and every time when he walked into a room, there was always a spark in him that lights up everything and everyone around him. At least that's how it felt to Alec.
Alec knew he had to make a decision. He closed his eyes and listened to himself. For the first time in his life, he tried to follow the calling of his heart. It wasn't easy, but he finally managed to silence the voices in his head. He imagined what his life would be like in ten, twenty, even fifty years. Pictures of his future popped up in his mind and he realised that Magnus was standing by his side in every dream vision he could see. A warm feeling flooded through him. It was something he didn't want to name yet, but it felt good and a smile formed on his face. Alec opened his eyes and looked down at Magnus. He had made up his mind. It wouldn't be easy for them, but he would stand by Magnus, help him to find a way out or at least a compromise…
“I don't know how, but we'll find a way, Magnus. I promise you."
Magnus laughed nervously, avoiding Alec's gaze. Alec saw the despair that was still raging in the gold-green eyes of the assassin.
Alec stepped closer to Magnus, pulling him into his arms, hugging him tightly. He felt how Magnus tried to resist the hug, but Alec held him steadfastly. After a moment, Magnus relaxed into him and put his arm around him, clinging to him like a drowning man. Alec heard the soft sobs that escaped Magnus when he pressed himself closer to Alec and the Duke wondered if Magnus had ever experienced love and care in the years after his mother's death. Alec didn't think Asmodeus had ever looked like a good loving father. Not after what he'd learned about the man over the past few days.
Alec gently caressed the expanse of Magnus' back with one hand and muttered incoherent soothing words. He rocked the assassin back and forth until Magnus' tears had dried up.
“Better?"
Magnus broke away from him and nodded.
Alec cupped Magnus' face with both his hands forcing the assassins to look at him. Alec gently wiped away the traces of tears that were still visible on his cheeks gently with his thumbs.
Their eyes met and Alec saw the uncertainty in Magnus' gaze.
“I want to be honest with you. I don't like that you're an assassin and kill people. I don't know how, but I'll try to accept that part of your life. As long as you do it for the reasons you named, I think I can learn to live with it. ”
“Alexander…"
“Please, let me explain. ”
Magnus nodded. Alec continued to stroke the assassin's cheeks gently with his thumbs and took a deep breath, trying to let his heart speak.
“You are right… I… I have feelings for you and that is not just a rave." Alec laughed softly. “No... every time I see you, you literally take my breath away, make my heart beat so fast that I'm afraid it will explode. I don't know yet where our journey will lead, but I know one thing… I've never felt anything like this for anyone, the way I feel about you, it scares me." Alec swallowed hard.
“I mean… we have only known each other a little over a week now, but no matter how hard I’ve tried to resist, you’ve managed to sneak into my heart in such a short time. I cannot promise you that it will work out, but I want to try." Alec paused and looked deep into Magnus' eyes, searching for confirmation that the assassin felt the same way as he did. He was not disappointed.
“You have shown me over the past few days that you are not just an assassin. No… you are also a man who puts the well-being of his fellow-man above his own. You are charming and caring, and beautiful.” The assassin rolled his eyes but he returned a smile that tugged at Alec's heart. Magnus wanted to say something, but Alec indicated that he was not yet finished speaking.
“You allowed me to take a look into your soul, trusting me in such a way was so overwhelming at first. I know you did things which have caused the shadows on your soul, and it amazed me how it still can shine so brightly, but I do know now that you have a good heart and that outshines everything else.”
“Have you ever tried writing poems? You can handle your words pretty well.”
Alec laughed and shook his head. He was about to reply, but the assassin silenced him by lightly touching a finger to his lips.
“Thank you for your honest words, Alexander. They mean everything to me.” Magnus ran his thumb over Alec's mouth, tracing the contours of his lips.
“I have never felt so strongly for someone as I do for you. I agree with you, it is frightening, but at the same time it gives me the courage to stand up for what is important to me.” Magnus suddenly reached for one of Alec's hands and taking it he lay it against his own chest just above his heart. Alec felt the rapid beat of Magnus’ heart under his fingertips - racing in tandem with his own heart.
“If my heart were to beat any faster I would probably die, but believe me when I tell you I would walk out of this world as a happy man.”
The glimmer of a smile lay on Magnus' lips and before Alec could react, Magnus pulled his head down towards him and softly pressed his lips to Alec’s. Alec sighed, finally accepting the promise the assassin gave him in this kiss. He felt Magnus put his arms around his neck, his fingers buried in his hair delicately grasping at the roots.
Alec knew that it wasn't going to be easy for them. They were playing a dangerous game. If the Order were to find out that Alec knew about Magnus, their common journey would be over before it had even begun. But right now Alec didn't want to think about that. He didn't want to think about the fact that there were only a few days left until the Order of the Bayang Hitam would force Magnus to end Alec's life if they couldn't prove his innocence.
Alec pulled Magnus even closer to him until their bodies met from their chests to their toes, but even that wasn't close enough. He deepened the kiss, trying to wipe all negative thoughts from his mind, sinking further into the peaceful moment that the union of her lips offered them both.
Alec finally gave in to the voice of his heart and it was the happiest moment he had ever experienced. Here, on his balcony, under the stars and in Magnus Bane's arms…