Jasmine's POV *5 months from Jasmine's initial therapy session*
In the past few months, I'd made some serious progress and quiet frankly, I was very proud of myself. I religiously saw Dr. Yang twice a week and today was no different. Honestly, Dr. Yang has been the biggest godsend in my life. She's taken me out of my darkest times while also forcing me to confront specific truths about myself that I needed to work on in order to become a better healthier me. I've learned that wellness began in the mind and then all other aspects of what it means to be healthy would follow.
I sat down on Dr. Yang's big white comfy couch while she picked up her notebook and crossed her legs to begin our session.
"Hello Jasmine. How are you feeling today?" I smiled. This was the typical question that Dr. Yang asked me every single time that we met. And over the past month, I found that I was finally in a mental space where I no longer answered her by saying that I felt overwhelmed or stuck. Instead, I was gaining autonomy over my mental health.
"I'm actually feeling pretty good today. I've started to re-post on my YouTube channel and my relationship with Megan has become much better. Our friendship is actually getting back to where it used to be. Honestly, I can't complain really." Dr. Yang smiled and nodded in her usual manner.
"That's wonderful to hear. Did you have anything specific that you wanted to talk about today?" She asked and I nodded my head yes.
"Actually, I received an email from my mother a couple of days ago and I didn't want to open it until I could read it with you." Dr. Yang scribbled some notes before glancing back up at me.
"And how does that make you feel knowing that you're mother is still trying to reach out to you after all this time? I remember you told me you made it clear to her months ago that you wanted nothing to do with her." Hmmm, that was a good question.
"I think the old me wouldn't even be open to opening her email. But right now I'm curious to see what she has to say."
"And that's an excellent observation Jasmine. It's excellent that you are now able to identify characteristics of yourself that have changed positively. You are now more open while before you were closed off." I smiled again. It was great that I could see the small changes within myself. Just a few months ago I felt like I was in a never ending black hole. Now, I saw the end of the tunnel and it was looking bright. I appreciated that Dr. Yang helped me to understand that I needed to stop dwelling on my regrets. Instead, I learned to refocus my energy on the positive aspects of each scenario I found myself in. She also helped me to realize that this wasn't the end of the world. I was still young and I could bounce back from all of the things that had happened to me so far while also still live a fulfilling life.
The one thing I couldn't shake was that I still thought of Jaxon on a regular basis. He was one regret that constantly had me wondering what if? What if I'd let him love me fully? What if I'd stayed and never left him? In hindsight, he was so willing to help me through whatever I was going through, I should've just allowed him to be the crutch that he offered.
I shook my head out of those dark thoughts. I didn't want to dwell on that right now. I'd come this far in a short amount of time; I should be proud of myself and I was.
Dr. Yang cleared her throat.
"Whenever you are ready, you can begin reading the email and then we can discuss it's contents afterwards if you'd like."
With that being said, I opened up my email app on my phone.
Dear my darling Jasmine, my only child who I miss so much. Not a day goes by where I do not think about you and how my actions have gravely affected you. I know you do not wish to talk to me so I've left you alone. Not because I want to, but because I'm trying to respect your wishes and boundaries. I feel like I'm grieving the loss of a child even though you are still very much alive and that is something I will have to live with either until you choose to speak with me or until I die. I'm hoping that one day you choose to comeback into my life before it is too late.
Anyway, I chose to write you this email because I still think you deserve some sort of closure. I think you deserve to know why I did what I did. Everyday I think back on my actions and I'm ashamed of what I did. There is no amount of justification that could warrant me to interfere in your life like I did. But simply put, I hired Marcy out of fear.
Fear? I know you're confused and wondering if you read that right. But you did read that correctly. I was scared for you. You were my only child and I wanted what was best for you. My ignorance and intolerance drove me to do the unthinkable. For you to completely understand my thought process, I will start from the very beginning.
You know that I was grown into a very pro black household and I tried to raise you just as I've been raised. Do not get me wrong baby girl, being pro black is NOT the issue. My intolerance was the problem. I realize now that it is Okay to be pro black and still embrace other communities of people. In my ignorance, I thought I wasn't prejudiced because I was tolerant in allowing you to have non black friends such as Megan. (That was something my parents would have never allowed but that was a different time period)
But in hindsight, Your friendship with Megan was the only thing I could tolerate when it came to allowing you to develop relationships with people of the opposite race. Outside of that relationship, I had no tolerance.
So whenever Jaxon came around, it grieved me to see how he affected you. Even when you guys were little, I could see how much you guys enjoyed each other's presence. You both played it off well but as your mother, I knew your relationship with Jaxon would cross into being something more than friends.
And this is where I'm embarrassed. I feel like I can barely type this part out but I need you to know everything if it's the last thing I say to you Jasmine. Remember when we had that conversation about whether or not Jaxon should stay with you for the month? I was vehemently against it. And although you seemed to agree, I knew that deep down you and him had some sort of connection. And if that connection was allowed to foster, than you would do the unthinkable. You would catch feelings for this WHITE man and I couldn't allow that to happen. Why?
It was because of everything I'd come to believe. I thought the black family was in danger of being wiped out. I thought the black man was the only man that could take care of a black woman; he was the only type of man for my BLACK daughter. And Jaxon was a threat to our family even before you even realized it. It was something I could sense. As you both grew up, I watched the way he would tease you and then console you. I watched the way he looked at you when you didn't notice. Even if you didn't have feelings for Jaxon, I knew that he had them for you. And so I was scared.
Regardless of everything I said, I knew you were going to allow him to stay with you for awhile. So I came up with a plan to distract him from you. I contacted Marcy weeks before Jaxon was to arrive in Florida and I gave her all of his information. My plan was for Marcy and Jaxon to connect in such a way that there was no way both of you could end up together. In the meantime, I urged you to stay with an abuser because I was desperate and my mind was twisted. I'm so ashamed with myself. I put my only child in so much danger. I wouldn't blame you if you never forgave me but I can only hope for your forgiveness.
Of course my plan backfired. When it's gods will, nothing I can say or do would have ever changed the outcome. You and Jaxon were meant to be together and I should have never interfered with that truth. Now god is punishing me for every selfish deed I've committed. I've taken the time to educate myself on what it means to be pro black and still be inclusive. And it's taken a weight off my shoulders to not always walk around with pent up anger, resentment, and prejudices.
I'm sorry for the losses you've taken because of me baby girl. Your father tells me your doing so much better due to the therapy you've been receiving and at least that gives me some sense of peace that, at least you weren't beyond repair. I love you baby girl even if you don't believe me. I promise, if you reconsider being in my life I will work every single day for the rest of my life to earn your trust. If you don't respond to this email, that is Okay too. That is your decision and you should do what is best for yourself. Again, I love you beyond words.
Loving you always,
Your broken-hearted mother.
P.S Your father tells me that you and Jaxon broke up months ago. I knew deep down in my heart you both were going to be together from the moment the Robinson's entered our lives when you were young children. I urge you NOT to make the biggest mistake of your life. Choose happiness.
I didn't say anything for a moment as I took time to really process what I'd just read. Dr. Yang broke through my thoughts.
"Hmmmm that was an interesting email Jasmine. How does it make you feel." I glanced up from my phone and closed my google email before looking at Dr. Yang.
"I'm not sure how I feel about it. I think I want to think about it for a few days and i'll answer that question the next time we meet." I put my phone back into my purse.
"And that's Okay Jasmine. Remember we don't always have to have the right answers right away. We can take time to process our thoughts, talk ourselves through the pros and the cons, and then that enables us to make better, more informed decisions." I smirked.
"Yeah, I know. Before I would always make irrational decisions without thinking. I literally ran away from 99% of all of my issues."
"Yes, but the important thing is you've made progress. It's very commendable." I smiled as she continued. "As far as Jaxon, your mother mentioned that she thought you guys now belonged together. We've spoken about him on several occasions. How does that make you feel? Do you have any desire of seeing him?" She asked me these questions and my heart sank. Whenever we spoke of Jaxon, I felt a deep regret in the bottom of my stomach. He was still a sore topic for me.
"I wish I didn't push him away when he was trying to help me." I sighed. "I want to see him, but the other day I saw him at the mall with another woman. He didn't see me but I saw him. It's too late, I know it is. Too much time has passed and I pushed him away one too many times. He warned me that last time that it was my last chance and I still let him go." Dr. Yang nodded her head in understanding.
"I understand what you are saying. But I want you to remember that we've talked about your irrationality to dismiss viable possibilities without thinking it through. When an opportunity presents itself, you tend to shut yourself off from it instead exploring it whenever you deem the opportunity improbable of working. You've gotten better at this but sometimes you lapse back into that cycle. And right now, that is what you are doing. You are giving me every rational on why you and Jaxon would NOT work instead of why it could." Dr. Yang looked down at her watch and smiled.
"This has been another great session Jasmine. I want you to think about what we've talked about today. Try to think about that email your mother sent and maybe we can talk about that further next time." I nodded my head in aggreeance
"Thank you Dr. Yang." With that being said I left the her office.
I got into my car with every intention of driving home but somehow I skipped my exit and kept on driving. My mind honed in on the last few things Dr. Yang said to me and it spoke volumes. She was right. I needed to get out of my head and stop being such a pessimist.
Before I knew it, I was coming off of the highway and pulling into a neighborhood I hadn't been to in months. I drove a little ways down the street and eventually came to a stop in front of Jaxon's house. I sat in the car for far too long as I tried to think rationally about what I was about to do. Dr. Yang basically said I'm a negative Nancy. I tended to harp on the bleak outcomes and ONLY that. This was my opportunity to show my growth. I needed to start taking chances and if this decision I was about to make didn't go the way I'd planned then that was Okay too.
I took a deep breath and got out of my car. I knew Jaxon was home because I parked my car right next to his. This would be the first time I would be speaking to him in 5 months and to say I was terrified of his reaction was an understatement. The sound of his last words echoed in the back of my mind as if he'd said them only moments ago. If you do this, we are done for good. I gulped.
I sucked in my pride and walked up to his front door. Without dwelling too hard on what I was about to do, I knocked lightly and then waited. It felt like I was waiting for an eternity for someone to answer when I finally heard the door being unlocked before it was swung open. I slowly glanced up into Jaxon's handsome face. He looked shocked.
"Jasmine?...... What are you doing here?" He questioned. In the background, I could hear a woman call to him.
"Jaxon, who's at the door?" I couldn't even speak. I was frozen in place.
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