Ain't nobody tell me this is love
When you're immune to all my pain
I need you to tell me this is love
You don't care?
Well, that's okay
_______
"Mimi. Are you going to let me in, today?"
I stood at Aminah's door with my forehead pressed against it. It had been a full week since I had broken the news to her that Onika wouldn't be joining us for cupcakes on her birthday. She'd been locked inside of her bedroom since. The only person she allowed inside was Solange.
Silence.
"Mimi. I know you hear me, baby. You're really hurting my feelings not talking to me."
"You really hurt my feelings!" she yelled. "Why didn't you just tell her about me? Are you embarrassed about me?" She knew that wasn't true. I was extremely proud of her. Everything she'd overcome and everything that she'd become.
"Aminah. You know that isn't true. I love you. Open the door."
"I will not!" she fussed. "I'm mad at you. You ruined everything for me. If you had just told her about me, then she would be coming to have cupcakes with me. I cannot believe you, Ma."
"Me either, Mimi. I really messed up, baby."
"You really did!" she agreed.
"Now, you've locked me out of your room and she's locked me out of her life. I can't win here."
I made myself comfortable on the floor. It was the only way I could talk to my six-year-old. This was a form of protest, as she referred to it. Her lockout was causing me to shut down. With her and Onika upset with me at the same time, I was living in hell. I hadn't heard a peep from or seen her. She hadn't even been to the plant. Thing were still running smoothly, but if she didn't return soon, I would be in deep shit - so would my business.
"You shouldn't. This is all your fault, Mommy."
I could feel her near. She'd joined me on the other side of the door, seated and waiting for my response. Aminah missed me as much as I missed her, but I was allowing her stance. I deserved it. I'd handled the situation with Onika wrong and needed to be held accountable for my actions.
"I know, Mimi. How are you doing in there?"
"Can I send her a message? Maybe she will change her mind."
"No. Let's let Nicki be. I dropped some pretty heavy stuff on her about still being married to your mother and about why you had your leg amputated. I'm sure she needs time to process everything."
"Do you still love Ms. Maraj, Ma?" Aminah whispered, remembering our secret.
"Very much, Mimi."
"Then why am I the only one you're being nice to? Why aren't you waiting by Onika's door?"
The questioned Aminah posed silenced me. I hadn't attempted to reach out to Onika. Instead, I'd stalked her Instagram each time I found myself missing her - which was quite often. She hadn't posted a single photo since the night before things had gone left with us. That in itself was a sure sign that she was hurting, too.
"I've never done any of this before, Mimi. The only woman I've come close to loving was your mother, but I'm beginning to believe it was due to my attachment to you from birth."
"Did she make you feel like Ms. Maraj makes you feel?"
"No. Not even close, baby."
"Then, I don't think you should be at my door, Mommy. I think you should be at her door."
"I don't know, Mimi."
"Trust me, Ma. We like attention, even when we don't want it."
"Who is we?"
"Us women."
"Aminah, you're not a woman."
"Oh, yes, I am, Mommy."
"Oh, no you're not, Mimi!"
"One day you will see."
"That day isn't today!"
My heart smiled hearing her chortling on the other side of the door. Aminah's feelings were hurt, but she knew her mom hadn't meant any harm.
"Can you open up the door so that I can have a hug and you can help me plot on getting Ms. Onika back in time for cupcakes?"
Aminah said nothing as I held my breath. The sound of her latch being lifted and door unlocking was like music to my ears. I was in. The second she was visible, I crawled inside and wrapped her little body in my arms. It had been a week since I'd held her close. I missed her something awful.
"I'm sorry, Mimi. I love you so much."
"I love you, too, Ma, but I didn't let you in for all of that. Let's get Ms. Onika Maraj back."
__
Sold out.
I reread the banner under the tour ticket options. Each ticket had been sold out. At three-fifty per ticket, I was looking at $10,500. There were thirty tickets available and I'd never sold out of every one of them. I'd often came close, but never fully sold all thirty. With the chaos in my personal love life, it was nice to have something good arise.
I was on day nine without Beyoncé and each day I struggled a little more than I had the previous one. The idea that each day got easier was a hoax. It got harder and harder. Every day, I wanted to break my own code and call her. Fortunately, I managed to stand my ground.
"Nika. Did you hear me?" my mother beckoned.
"No, because her face is in that damn phone of hers," my father followed up.
"Sorry, mama. I just got a group to purchase every ticket that was available for The Temple, today. This has never happened. I wasn't expecting any sales. It's supposed to storm this evening."
"Wow. That's amazing. A huge group." My mom clapped, lowly.
I'd been called for brunch on their patio since they hadn't seen much of me lately. According to my father, I was too busy for them anymore. However, my mother knew the truth. She figured a special someone was involved, and she was right. I'd hinted at the possibilities of entertaining someone over a month ago, and she'd ran with it. Because this was a first for me, I wanted to keep things to myself, and I had.
Now that things between Beyoncé and I were over, I didn't mind talking to my parents about my first experience with someone. Not sexually, but in general. Aside from the hurt that ended our relationship, I'd thoroughly enjoyed every minute of Beyoncé.
"Yeah. It's supposed to be a big one, tonight. Hell, as gloomy as it is now, I wouldn't be surprised if it starts up early."
"What were you saying, mama?"
"I was asking what you're going to do about it now that you know the situation."
"She's already decided what she's going to do about it, Carol. It's not the fact that the damn woman was married with a child, it's the fact that she left her in the dark. If she can tell her about her shit then she should've shown the same courtesy."
"But, a child was involved, Robert."
"I don't give a damn, Carol. She could've said something. You don't just keep a child a secret."
"A disabled one, I can see that happening."
"I don't give a damn if my baby is missing half a body, the world is going to know about her. Hell, Nicki is almost as old as we are and I can't have a decent conversation without mentioning her."
"He's right, Mama."
"I know, baby, but these are different circumstances. Telling you about Aminah would have raised so many other questions. I'm sure you would've wanted to meet her. And, if you guys didn't work out things would be hard on her."
"Well, they already are. Whatever she was trying to avoid, she caused."
"Unless she has the facility take that whack bitch off her meds and sign those papers when she'd in a decent state of mind, then keep your distance, baby." My father gnawed on the pineapple from the fruity concoction I'd made. He didn't tolerate nonsense and always gave it straight. I appreciated it.
"That's the plan, Daddy."
"Good."
"I can agree with that," my mother joined, nodding her head.
"If you guys don't mind, I'm going to help tidy the kitchen and get out of here. It will be raining - most likely - during the tour. I need to get the ponchos and rainboots out to make sure that I have enough for everyone."
"Don't worry about the kitchen. We cleaned as we went. There are only a few dishes. I can handle those."
"Are you sure?" I asked.
"Yes. Of course. Take care of your business."
"Alright. Come give me some love, old man. I'm going to get out of here." I stood and reached out for my father.
As we embraced, he reminded me that my heart was nonnegotiable, "Don't ever let anyone play with your heart. Not even once, because they'll find the audacity to do that shit again if you let them. Remember that, baby. This one sounds good, but don't take no shit from her or no one else."
"I won't."
"Good, now you know your mother is jealous because I'm your favorite parent, so make sure you give her a handshake or some shit."
Immediately, I pushed my father from my body. He was always down to start something between he and my mother over who was my favorite. There was just something about my father that made me gravitate to him more than my mom, but I didn't have a favorite. I loved them both.
"Goodbye, old man!" He cackled, watching as I kissed my mother's cheek.
"See."
"Robert, don't start!" my mother warned, already aware of the smoke he was cranking up.
"Thanks, Mama. He was surely intending to."
I walked off the patio of my parent's home. It was massive and so beautiful. I'd helped my father and grandfather lay it so many years ago. After my assault, my parents sold their home and we moved on the other side of town. It took several years for them to come to terms with their new home. The patio that we built was my father's gift to my mother. It resembled the one he'd installed on my childhood home, only it was twice the size and was twice the luxury. It extended well into the backyard.
__
The sound of my blaring alarm stirred me from my nap. After gathering everything I'd be needing for the evening tour, I laid down, set my alarm and decided on an hour nap. The drinks that I made for us at my parents' home had me ready to crash. The food I consumed wasn't helping much either.
My hand searched underneath my pillow for the glock that had been placed there. The other reached for my phone. There wasn't a single soul that was supposed to be at my door, especially uninvited. I still had thirty minutes before my nap was supposed to end, which meant I had an hour before my group was set to show. There was no reason my kimono was needed as I struck out down the hallway to see who was at my door.
At the sight of the wedded woman standing with her hands tucked in her pockets as if she didn't have a care in the world, my blood began to boil. She was unmoving, giving me the certainty I needed. I cocked my gun, aimed and began emptying the clip.
I unloaded. Every single bullet that was in my gun had gone through the glass of my front door. And, strangely, I felt better. Much better. I was relieved, suddenly.
"Get the fuck off my property!" I yelled before sealing my kimono in front and heading for my bedroom, again, "Or this time I won't miss. The police will definitely believe me when I say that an intruder was the reason I fired and didn't stop until all movement had ceased."
In my bedroom, I slid the drawer to my nightstand open and retrieved the ammunition I kept stored there for emergencies. I wanted Beyoncé off my porch and out of my life. Immediately. She had no business trespassing.
"Do you feel better, Nicki? Did that shit make you feel better?"
She was so close. Too close, in fact. I turned to find her right up on my ass. Her perfume tickled the hairs of my nose. I remembered that scent. I remembered her. My heart remembered her and so did my body. Naturally, it salivated upon first glance, my center part becoming moist upon visual contact.
"It did." I assured her with a nod.
"Now, can you move? Not only have you come to my home unannounced, but you've entered it without my permission. We both know that is not okay with me, Beyoncé. Step back before I put something hot in you that will move you back."
"I'm aware that your aim is in tip-top shape. If you wanted to do some serious damage, you would've. I've come in peace."
"Why did you come at all?"
"Because, I have a garden tour in an hour."
"That isn't true. I have a group of thirty coming in an hour," I scoffed, moving around him and heading back into the kitchen. Being in my bedroom was not the safest place. If I stayed much longer, she'd get into my head and then we'd be in my bed.
"I'm the group of thirty. Do you need proof of my purchases?"
My heart sank to my bare feet and seeped through the cracks of the wood my floor was made of. "Why'd you do this, Beyoncé?"
"By any means, Nicki."
"Can't you just accept that I'm done with you and go the hell on about your business?" I tossed in the air as she followed behind me.
"No. I can't."
"Why not? If someone tells me they want nothing to do with me, then I'd be on my merry little way. What's there not to get?"
"It doesn't work like that. Besides, I tried to just accept it, but my heart won't let me."
"Fuck your heart! You didn't give a damn about mine so fuck your heart!" I yelled, feeling my emotions heighten.
"You're wrong. It's all I cared about, Onika."
"Then why the fuck is it hurting then, huh? Why?"
Her silence infuriated me.
"Why can't I get a wink of sleep at night? Why have I felt like my favorite dog of twenty years just died and I don't even have a fuckin' dog? Why do I cry all the time, Beyoncé? Huh? Why can't I stop crying? And, why does this feel worse than when he held me down and took the only thing I could genuinely call mine? And, you want to lie and say you had my best interest at heart? Beyoncé, please... get out!"
"Nicki, I just want to talk to you, baby."
"Get out!" I yelled, pointing towards the door.
"Nicki. You have to le-"
"Get out! Get out! Get out! Get out! Get out!"
Over and over, I yelled. I closed my eyes, praying that God heard me for once. This woman needed to get out of my life and out of my home. She wasn't welcomed, not her or her addictiveness. I needed her as far away from me as Los Angeles would allow. She was bad for my health, mentally and emotionally.
For once, God had sided with me. When I opened my eyes, Beyoncé had vanished. I was blessed with her backside as she made her way to her car. Utterly defeated, I slid down the wall and to the floor. If this was heartbreak, I never wanted to feel it, again. I'd avoid men for the rest of eternity if this was the type of power they held over women who loved them.
Somehow, I made my way out of the automatic doors and out into my garden. The rain beat down on my body, cleansing me of the pain I was feeling. With my eyes closed, I began reciting my favorite poem from memory.
For one year now I've been conflicted with whether now is the time to announce I have a disease or if I should keep up this act that I've got it all together.
Seems to get me by.
It seems to make others believe that I'm never in need of being checked up on.
A couple months back, I diagnosed myself as empty.
I have a kind of sadness that cannot be named or explained to the happy folk.
I have the kind of bruise that never lightens and consecutive bad days that only heighten.
Every day I'm in need of something stronger.
Something stronger than weed, someone stronger than me.
Something or someone godly enough to save me.
__
i'd never leave y'all hanging.. maybe for a day or two lol
thoughts?
leave some comments for me
i felt so bad reading the comments 🥺
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