Chapter 18: pagkakataon
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Catalya
The moment I stepped inside my room, I knew there was something different.
Tumigil lang ako sa paglalakad nang mapansin ako ng mga kaklaseko. Kumunot ang noo ko dahil nagkukumpulan sila sa upuan ko. "Anong meron?"
"Si Catalya luma-lovelife!" Sigaw ni Luis.
"Ayieee si Marquez may manliligaw! Ang tamis naman!" Segunda naman ni Patrik at natawa.
"Kanino galing? Sino ang secret admirer mo, sis?" Jelene.
Nagsimula silang manukso pero hindi ko parin gets kung ano ang dahilan kaya hinanap ng mga mata ko ang dalawang kaibigan ko. I saw them sitting at the end corner while looking at me with wide grins, oh boy..
"Nakakakilig naman! Sino siya? Hihihi" hagikhik ng isa bago sila tumabi para makadaan ako. My eyes automatically fell to the bundle of white roses on my table.
"May pasingit na letter oh!"
"Basahin mo na Catalya! Kakaexcite!" Ako nga di excited. Grabe toh.
I looked at the girls swooning around me and gave them a knowing look. Ngumuso naman sila at isa-isang lumayas sa paningin ko.
"Hoyyyy!" Tawag ni Zarena at naupo sa upuan sa tabi ko. Si Patricia naman, naupo sa lamesa na nasa harap ni Za at ngumisi.
She pinched me on the the arm so I glared at her. "Tigil," I warned but she just pouted on the letter on top of my table.
"Para sa akin nga diba? Di niyo puwedeng basahin," baka kung ano pa ang laman nito. Ano?
"Sus! Mabubunyag din kung ano yang sekreto mo na yan! Anong pangalan ng secret admirer mo?"
Tinaasan ko siya ng kilay. Tumawa si Za. "Di yan magsasalita. Tinatago niya yung bebe niya hahaha" she chuckled so I glared at her too.
I looked at the boquet of flowers and moved it to the side. "Mas okay pa kung alak binigay sa akin, hindi bulaklak. Anong gagawin ko jan e mamamatay din naman?" Iling ko tsaka tinago sa bag ko sa sulat. Ngunit napako and tingin ko sa papel na nakasabit sa ribbon ng bouquet.
There were initials. I.A.
Pinilig ko ang ulo ko at umiling nang may taong pumasok sa isip ko. Probably not from him. Iba siguro.
Lunch na nang umalis si Za kasi sasabay kay Luke kumain. Si Patricia naman, may importanteng nilakad. Tungkol ata kay Tita, mommy niya.
"Mag-isa ko na naman. All by myself," I sighed heavily before walking out of the room. Pero tumigil ako nang makita ko si Isaac na nakasandal sa pader at nakatingin sa sahig. Halatang ang lalim ng iniisip. His hand was on his pocket. Napapatingin pa sa kanya ang mga dumadaan dito sa hallway. Kinikilig tapos pinipigilang tumili.
Inayos ko ang pagkakasabit ng bag ko at akmang aalis na sana nang mag-angat siya ng tingin. He quickly fixed his posture when he saw me.
I tightened my grip on my bag, holding his gaze.
"Uy Cat! Papasa ko sa'yo mamaya yung report ko! Sabi kasi ni Sir Depp ikaw raw magco-collect," napabaling ako sa kakalabas ng klasrum na klasmeyt ko sa sinabi niya. "Sige ba" sagot ko at napansing nakanganga na siya habang nakatingin sa lalaking nasa harap.
"H-hi I-isaac.." Kinakabahan ngunit namamangha niyang sabi. When I looked at Isaac, he nodded at her before looking at me again.
Napapikit pa ako ng mariin nang hampasin ako ni Kate sa braso sa kilig bago nagmamadaling umalis. Maghahanap siguro iyong lugar na pagtitilian niya.
It took me a little while before I managed to look at Isaac again. Tsaka ko lang napansin ang isang puting rosas na hawak niya sa isang kamay. My lips parted and my eyes went slightly wide as I looked at him. "S-sa'yo ba galing yung mga bulaklak?"
He nodded.
I bit my lip. I . A.... those initials meant Isaac Aldereva?
"Bakit?"
I saw him swallow hard before I noticed how nervous he acts now. Kailan pa siya kinabahan?
I did not back away anymore when he walked a little towards me, keeping a distance to not stand too close to me. He was careful on his movements, measuring my emotions, and looking away when he could not read me.
Ilang segundo pa niya akong tinitigan bago siya bumuntong hininga. "I want to make it right this time," he whispered.
Napaawang ang labi ko nang makita ang pagsisisi na rumehistro sa mga mata niya. "I've hurt you countless times.." he said.
Surely, he did. I murdered him in my head for how many times.
But all I did was stare at him while waiting for him to continue. Pilit niyang binasa ang ekspresyon ko pero hindi ako natinag. I showed him my true emotions. I did not bother to hide it from him. Gusto kong makita niya ang sakit sa mga mata ko upang ipaalala sa kanya ang rason kung saan galing ang galit ko. I'm sure he knows it already.
He inhaled sharply.
Kita ko ang pagseseryoso ng mukha niya. "Many times, I wanted to come see you and talk to you for the past days. But I know you're so mad at me for the fucked up sins I did to you. You can't stand the sight of me. You won't forgive me. Alam kong masasaktan lang kita lalo kapag nilapitan kita o kinausap. What I did cut you deeply and I am guilty.." he gulped. "You won't possibly believe me if I tell you that I regret being such a bastard to you.." he smiled bitterly and looked away so I would not see it.
Tama siya, hindi ako naniniwala.
I faught back the feelings storming from my tummy. "Did you regret the first time you took me?" I wanted to know.
He met my gaze. "No," he swallowed hard. "But when you cried, I knew I fucked up. That changed everything," bulong niya.
"If it changed everything, why did you do it again?" I tried to hold back my tears. Tangina, eto na naman. Dalawang linggo na pero ang hapdi pa rin sa pakiramdam.
"Because I am an asshole,"
I smiled flatly. Gago nga.
Tinitigan ko siya. "You said sorry before after you took me the first time. But an apology don't mean anything if you keep doing what you're sorry for. Kung nagsisisi ka, bakit inulit mo nung nakagalitan tayo?" I bit my lip to suppress my emotions for a little while. My heart is breaking again as the flashbacks of what he did devoured my mind.
"Saying sorry is important Isaac. It is. But not doing the same thing again is more important. Your sorry was senseless, you raped me and no one knows of that but me which is more painful," agad kong pinunasan ang luhang bumagsak.
Nakita kong napalunok siya nang makita ang pag-iyak ko. His facial expressions were vulnerable. He looks weak while watching the pain in my eyes.
"For the past few days, I was mending my own wound. I was trying to heal the bruises you inflicted on my seat of emotions. But what you did left a scar. The pain may go away, buy my memory cannot forget what you did to me," lumalabas na sa bibig ko ang katotohanan na gusto kong sabihin sa kanya.
He looks ashamed of himself. Pero tinanggap niya pa rin ang mga nang-aakusa at galit kong mga tingin, "Hindi ko na siguro maaayos ng buo. Pero kahit konti lang, gusto kong linisin ang gusot sa kung saan ko man kayang ayusin," he said.
Maayos pa nga ba?
He wounded me. Yes he did. But on the other hand, our wounds are like missing pieces of a puzzle that is essential for us to desire for a miracle. A miracle to stop the pain throbbing inside my chest. A miracle to be free from my situation. A miracle to forgive. But these miracles could only happen depending on my choice, whether I let it succomb me to total depression or I fight back and allow my wounds to heal in desire for life. I did the latter so I am reaping the good benefits of it. Kasi hindi ko hinayaang tuluyan na kainin ng sistema ko ang sakit na idinulot niya sa akin. Yet, I admit it, the pain still exists. It's still here and I am still mad at him.
I am so mad at him.
I stood silent while staring at his face painted with guilt, remorse and absolute sincerity. Napansin ko ang paghigpit ng hawak niya sa rosas na nasa kamay, "Catalya. Please forgive me. Patawad dahil nasaktan kita. I am sorry for forcing you. For not respecting the boundaries. I let my morals slide and I fucked up. I betrayed your trust and created my life's biggest disaster, Catalya. I played dirty. Hinding hindi mo na nga siguro ako mapapatawad. The way I treated you is something unworthy of forgiveness but is something I will never do again. I am sorry," he muttered and I gasped softly when he knelt down.
"P-pero maaari ba akong humingi ng isa pang pagkakataon? It's too much to ask for. B-but I can't lose you," he muttered.
My lips parted. "Kahit konting pagkakataon lang, pagkakasyahin ko. Please..." he was kneeling in front of me, his emotions are bare for me.
I wiped the tear that fell from my eyes and looked down at him. My heart is engulfed in the rigid pictures of what happened to us before. Parang pinupukpok ang puso ko. "Isaac.." I called him and inhaled deeply when he looked up at me.
My heart clenched even more when I saw him shed a tear which he instantly wiped off. Pero hindi niya napigilan. He tears kept falling like a river.
"Isaac, masyado pang masakit e," humikbi ako. "Makita ka nga lang, kumikirot na puso ko. Marinig lang ang boses mo, bumabalik lahat ng ginawa mo," I was crying endlessly, I couldn't even breathe.
Nangungusap ang mga mata niyang nakatingin sa akin ng may pangamba at pagsisisi. "You are asking for a chance. But still, I can't give you that. Kung maaari ay hayaan mo muna akong makaahon mula sa pagkakalunod ko dito sa situwasyon. Trust is like a glass, Isaac. Kapag nabasag mo, hindi mo na mababalik ng maayos. And you completely washed away the trust I have for you as a person," I shook my head. "So no, I still need more time for myself to heal and feel stronger than the calloused nails you gave me that brought death to my being. It's not easy for my part to accept you yet," saad ko sa kalmadong boses. I wiped my tears and looked at him without remorse.
I noticed some students from afar who are watching us right now. Kaya nilapitan ko na si Isaac at hinala siya sa braso para tumayo. "Tayo ka na please."
He did. Mabilis kong binawi ang kamay ko mula sa kanya at tinitigan ang mukha niyang dinadagsa ng halo halong emosyon. "Hindi kita mapapatawad ngayon. Kailangan ko pang ayusin ang sarili ko," bago kita mapatawad.
He nodded with what I said and I took a deep breath when he handed me the white rose in his hand. "I'll wait, Catalya. I will wait."
I accepted it and gave him a slight nod. "And maybe one day, I could freely give you the chance you are asking for without holding any grudge against you," I muttered lowly.
But for now, I need to fix the lost piece of me that he damaged.
Nakita ko naman ang pagtango niya. "Naiintindihan ko. And I am willing to wait no mater how long it takes," may pangakong sabi niya. "Kahit gaano pa katagal."
Tumango ako at hinigpitan ang hawak sa isang tungki ng puting rosa na nasa kamay ko. "It was nice having this conversation with you. Paano, sisibat na ako.." pagpapaalam ko sa kanya at umurong.
There was a different feeling that came over me. I don't know what it is but I feel like something inside me was relieved that we had just exchanged sincere responses. Parang gumaan konti ang loob ko.
I saw him look softly at me before he pursed his lips and nodded, "Eat something for lunch. Huwag mong gutumin sarili mo," pabulong niyang sabi bago ako tipid na ngumiti at tinalikuran na siya bago ako naglakad palayo habang ramdam ko pa rin ang titig niya mula sa likod.
I sighed heavily and looked at the rose in my hand. "Maybe, I'll forgive you someday..."
.....
A/N:
Hi.
Some might be wondering why Catalya can't easily forgive Isaac.
Well, rape is a serious case. It is something that should be addressed. In this story, I want to present this issue lowkey. Hindi porke gwapo ang rapist e dapat agad-agad mapatawad ito. It doesn't work that way. And even though he likes her, it's still not right to force someone into something she doesn't agree with. Rape is rape. Kung ikaw ang biktima, porke ba guwapo patatawarin mo agad? Hindi naman diba?
The victim needs time to heal. And Catalya is undergoing the process of it.
Goodnight🧡