MADISON'S POV.
It's still dark out but in the distance I can see the sun peaking over the wall, threatening to spill light into the day again. I welcome it, it's been a long night watching the newbies and if I wasn't bickering with Magna then I was looking out the stained glass window, waiting for the sun to arrive so I could go home.
I couldn't stop thinking. My head was on overdrive, thinking about a million things.
Kara and school.
Kai.
Carl and I.
The moment Siddiq showed up to take over I was out of there.
Before I go home I make a quick pitstop. I crouch down and peer through the barred window of Negan's cells. I expect to see him asleep so early in the morning but instead he's wide awake, sitting up on his bed and bouncing the tennis ball I have him off the wall of the cell over and over and over.
"I thought you'd still be asleep."
He jumps at the sound of my unexpected voice.
"Jesus kid!"
I smile at how off guard he looks. Shock still present on his face.
I smirk. "Well, that's a new look for you, huh."
He rolls his eyes.
"What are you doing up so early?" He asks.
"On watch. You?"
He stands to his feet and comes closer to the window. He simply shrugs.
"Couldn't sleep?"
"Why? What do you have to be worried about down here."
He scoffs. "More than you know." He mutters so low I'm certain I wasn't supposed to hear it. I keep quiet.
He looks more closely at me and grow uncomfortable. I'm about to ask what he's staring at but he opens his mouth.
"You look sick kid, you're really pale."
I shake my head. "It's nothing. Just the flu or something."
"You seem to like your present." I change the subject.
"It's the only thing I have to entertain myself so yeah."
He steps closer and looks up to the window, staring me in the eye a somewhat concerned look in his eyes. At least I think it's concern.
"What happened at the school? With Kara and that kid?" He asks.
"What?"
"I, uh, I mean... I hear people talking, you know. Somebody mentioned there was a fight or something."
"You got all that just from over hearing a few seconds of a conversation?"
He nods.
I sigh and finally give into the ache in my bent legs so finally I sit on the ground next to the window, thankfully a large shrub hides me but nobody is even awake yet so I'm not worried.
"This stupid kid is always picking on Kara and she lashes out. The mother is a grade A pain in my ass and I thinking about kicking her fucking offspring over the wall every ten seconds. Anyways, it's happened so much that the teacher is threatening to expel them. We have to come up with some way to keep Kara in school."
"And have you?" He asks.
I roll my eyes. "Carl and I aren't exactly on the good terms right now so we didn't get around to talking about it. But I've had all night to think about it so I think I have a valid compromise."
Negan nods before asking. "What happened between you and Carl. You guys don't fight, well not anymore."
I explain it all to him as I think back on the events of last night.
******Last Night.*****
"We need to talk."
Carl's face suddenly turns hard as stone.
"Jealous of you? Please." He scoffs, ignoring what I just said.
Ouch.
"Alright, no need to be a bitch about it. I had to ask." I'm proud of myself for staying calm after a comment like that.
"What did Kai say?" He demands.
I lie blatantly. "Nothing. He didn't say anything."
"So you came up with this theory all by yourself?" He accuses, clearly not believing me.
I nod. "He's not happy with you. I was wrong when I agreed with you. Don't ever use Kara as an excuse to-
"-To what Madison?"
I'm at loss for words and he stares at me, furious, as I rack my brains for anything, something to make sense of all this.
"You see Kara all the time. I'm a runner and you're a recruiter. Our hours are flexible. We bring her to school together every morning, we collect her together, we hang out at Jenna's with her, have dinner with her and we put her to bed."
"What's your point?"
"Why did you bring this up now? Kai has been around for six years. Since she was born, even before then."
"Wow, I cannot believe you're bringing this up. I thought we were past this? We both know I messed up when you were pregnant but we moved on from it. Kara knows nothing of it. As far as she knows I've been here the whole time!" He yells.
I shake my head. "I didn't mean it like that, you know that. I am over it." I tell him truthfully before calling him out.
"Don't avoid the question! Why are you bringing this up now, after all these years?"
He sighs and throws his hat on the coffee table so he can thread his fingers through his hair, a trait of frustration he's picked up over the years.
"Because...I don't know."
"Yes. You do."
He folds his arms. "Fine, then you tell me."
I shrug. "Fine, but you remember you asked me to. I think now that you and Jenna are done you're looking at any excuse to lash out. If you can't be happy, nobody can! Isn't that right? You're not trying to come between Kai and Kara, you're trying to come between Kai and I."
"THATS SUCH BULLSHIT!" He snaps.
I finally raise my voice. I feel the anger and frustration piling up inside and I try to shove it down but, like always it gets the better of me.
"Is it?" I challenge. "Then prove me wrong. Tell me what's really going on!"
"I didn't tell you about Jenna and I, for you to rub it in my face."
"I'm not rubbing it anywhere! It's the only logical reason for all of this."
He begins to storm off.
"No! Get your ass back here! You don't get to walk away from this!" I shout.
He kicks over the empty umbrella stand in the hallway. It's only ever used for my bow and arrows when I come home from runs.
"Are you kidding me? What are you, five years old?" I practically laugh.
"You don't get to tell me what to do!" He booms.
"I never have. But right now I will. You don't get to walk away because whether you like it or not, we're bonded for life because of our little girl up there." I point a finger towards the stairs.
He charges past me, back into the sitting room.
"Why are you getting so angry over this?" I ask in a softer voice.
"Because this is bullshit!"
"What is Carl?"
"Everything. Everything in my life has gone to shit."
"That's not true and you know it. One bad thing happens, does not mean everything else falls apart around you."
"God Mads, you have no idea!" He throws his hands in the air.
"Then help me understand!" I plead with him.
"Do you know how hard it is for me to see you with him?" He blurts.
I feel my face fall and it takes a few seconds to process his words.
For a second there I thought maybe I misheard him but when he squeezes his eyes shut and shakes his head it confirms what I heard. He sighs heavily and squeezes the bridge of his nose. He didn't mean to say that, I know we didn't. Finally we stop screaming at each other.
"I...I thought you moved on. You've been with Jenna for almost what, four, five years?" My voice comes out as a whisper.
He turns his back to me in an attempt to hide his expression that I can read all too well.
"I see the way you look at her. You care, don't act like you don't. You look at her differently. It's not like how you used to look at me."
"That's probably because I loved you."
I feel my jaw drop for what feels like the hundredth time tonight.
"You don't love her? After all this time, Carl?"
He shakes his head. "I tried to, I really did, but it's hard to move on from someone when you see them being happy with someone else...everyday."
My heart aches and I feel like I can barely catch my breath.
"Where did this come from? H,how did we get here. I came in to talk to you about Kai and Kara's school." I shake my head in bewilderment. This is happening too fast.
"Why are you only telling me this now?" My voice breaks.
He shrugs. "It never came up."
Finally, he turns around and his cheeks are flaming red. He keeps his eye on the ground.
"I've loved you this whole time when you weren't even mine to love."
I take a step back and try to process this turn of events. Truly, even though I was curious about Kai's words I never for a second believed them. Carl has been my best friend this whole time. I thought I knew him, I thought I could read him like the back of my hand but he's been hiding this from me for years and I never suspected a thing.
"It doesn't have to mean anything." He tells me as he looks up. I'd bet my expression was one to frame but Carl didn't laugh, in fact, panic takes over him as he closes the distance between us, he scrambles towards me.
"I just had to say. Just once. You can forget it later if that's what you want."
"Forget it?" I'm astounded. "How could I just forget that, like it meant nothing!"
He takes a moment before responding. "Does it mean something?" Curiosity drips through the words.
"It means, I didn't know you as well as I thought I did."
The disappointment on his face shows that that wasn't the answer he wanted.
He steps even closer towards me and takes my hand.
"Yes, you do Madison. You know me better than anyone. You know me better than I know myself."
I slowly tear my hand from his and I watch his expression change.
"Carl, I'm so sorry, but I love Kai."
He nods and I watch the pain on his face.
"I'm sorry-"
He just shakes his hand, blowing off my apology.
"There's nothing to be sorry for. I knew how you felt, you can't blame a guy for having hope though, huh?" He chuckles emotionlessly.
"I shouldn't have said anything." He murmurs the last part.
He sits back down on the couch and stares at the fire in front of him.
I open my mouth but close it quickly, debating whether or not I should tell him about what Kai told me outside. It was private but Carl needs to know. He needs to know where I am with Kai and where we stand and how this affects our little family.
I take a deep breath. He already looks so angry with himself. There's no nice way of telling him.
"Carl..."
He looks up at me and I can tell the change of tone in my voice has alarmed him.
To be honest, I haven't heard myself sound so cautious before, so nervous.
"He asked me to move in with him."
"What?" He asks breathlessly.
"He-"
"I heard you!" He growls.
He bolts from the couch again and begins to pace.
"What did you say to him?"
"Does it matter?"
"Of course it does! So what? You're just gonna up and leave? No big deal, right?" He snaps.
"Is that what you think of me? That i'd just leave you both behind? Even if it were only a few houses away?"
He shrugs. "I don't know Mads, maybe you were right. Maybe we don't each other as well as we thought we did."
I feel a pinch in my heart as his words sink in.
"You don't mean that. You're just saying that because you're angry."
"No, I'm not!" He huffs, sitting back down but not relaxing at all.
He sits forward with his elbows rested on his knees as his fingers tug at his hair.
I move closer, attempting to remove his hands from his head before he hurts himself.
But in one swift movement he grabs my wrists in his hands.
"Don't touch me!"
"Carl!"
This isn't right. This isn't us. We don't fight. The fight isn't what bothers me, the fact that he won't look at me in the eyes does.
"I said no. I would never leave either of you behind like that. I needed to tell you because some day we're going to grow up and move on. We're not gonna live in this house forever. I just wanted to let you know where we're at-"
"Fine!" He snaps.
I stand there quietly, awkwardly and finally he releases my wrists.
I came here to tell him something and I'm not leaving without getting the message across, even if he doesn't want to hear it.
"Look, I know this is bad timing and it sucks that I'm bringing him up again. But Kai is family and he will do as he always did with Kara. He helped raise her, he loves her. Is that so bad?"
"Are you saying that I don't?" He snaps.
"No! Where the hell did you get that from?" I groan, this man is infuriating.
"I know how much you love her. But Kai has every right to see her."
"Fine!" He practically growls as he storms into the kitchen, leaving me alone with a scrambled head. The only noise to be heard is the sound of the fire crackling behind me.
I bite the bottom of my lip, nervously. We haven't fought like this in years and now that I'm alone I'm not so sure what to do.
I'm going to be late to watch the newbies. I take a long, shaky, breath as I try to pull myself together.
Carl has left his hat on the coffee table from before.
I can't tell if I'm angry at him or sorry for him. He just poured his heart out in his own kinda way. Carl isn't great with words but he finally told me how he feels and I turned him down.
Ugh!
I can't stand here any longer.
I leave the sitting room and head for the hall. I pace quickly up the stairs and rush into my room. My room is dark but the light from between the cracks of timber boarded at my window shines through as it bounces off the mirror on my dresser.
It practically shines onto my bow and arrow laying there, under the mirror.
That's ironic.
I grab it and head towards the stairs again.
When I'm about two steps down the stairs I hear a small voice.
"Mom?"
I freeze and slowly turn around.
"Kara? I thought you were in bed."
"I was..."
I take the extra two steps up again.
"What's wrong?" I ask.
"Are you and dad fighting?"
Yes.
"No, no, no...um, we just..."
I walk up to her and sigh.
She looks up at me with worried eyes and a frown that almost knits her brows together.
I throw my bow and arrows onto my back and bend to pick her up.
I carry her back into her room and lay her down on her bed.
I glance over to Judith, who is already asleep in the bed next to her.
I sigh as I sit on the bed next to Kara and tuck her back in.
"We're not fighting. We're just having a little disagreement."
She rolls her eyes.
"That's what a fight is, mom."
I chuckle. "Yeah, you would know."
I wait for her laugh but instead the crease on her forehead deepens and her lip starts to tremble.
Oh no, not the tears!
I'm no good with tears.
"Is this about me? Because I was fighting in school?"
"No! Oh my god, no! Don't you worry about us. It had nothing to do with you, I promise."
She nods and finally relaxes.
"Do you still love him?"
"I'll always love your dad. He's my best friend." I tell her truthfully.
"In the whole wide world?"
"In the whole wide world." I agree.
She smiles.
"I'm sorry you heard us shouting."
She casually shrugs.
"Judith and I fight all the time. Sometimes I think I might kill her, she drives me insane."
Well, that's comforting.
But still, I can't help but laugh.
"Well, between me and you, her big brother drives me insane too. But we're all family so-"
"-So we have to put up with it."
I laugh, really laugh. She's not wrong, I just had a different choice of words in my head.
"You are something else, you know that." I chuckle.
She smiles, showing off her tiny, pearly white teeth.
"I'll make you a deal. You go to sleep and I'll patch things up with your dad right now."
She nods.
"Okay." I stand up after planted a small peck on her cheek.
"Night mom."
"Night Kara. I love you."
"Love you too, mom."
I shut her door and head downstairs. I go into the sitting room and grab Carl's hat from the coffee table. It'll be a good ice breaker.
I can hear whispers from the kitchen already and I ponder if I should even go in there.
Thats when I remember Carl telling me that there were others still eating in the kitchen.
I facepalm myself as I realize they must have heard every word we flung at each other.
I start towards the door anyways and open it slowly, peaking through.
I catch Carl and Rick sitting at the kitchen table, a drink in their hands.
Carl takes a swig.
"She's just so infuriating sometimes. I don't know what to do or what to say. I completely fucked it up dad. I've just lost my best friend."
"That's not true Carl. The two of you have been through a lot worse." I hear Rick respond.
"I feel like her and I have been tied up in this web of going back and forth and I'm tired. I'm exhausted from it."
"So what do you want to do about it?"
"There's nothing I can do dad! We're in this for life." I groans.
It's quiet for a few minutes before Carl finally speaks again.
"Sometimes..." he sighs but give up what he's about to say.
"Sometimes what?" Rick encourages.
He shrugs. "Sometimes I wish I could just wipe her from my memory..."
What???
It feels like someone just punched me in the gut.
I open the door further so I can hear them more clearly, not caring that now I'm in total view and Rick has noticed me.
He begins to nudge Carl but he continues his little rant.
"...sometimes I wish I could just wipe her out of my life, like we never met, like we never happened. Things would be easier that way...WHAT?" He finally shouts at his dad who's been vigorously nudging him the whole time.
Carl follows Ricks eye-line and turns to find me standing in the doorway.
His eye widens and his face pales.
"Madison?" I blubbers.
Stupid, betraying, hot tears slip down my face and I quickly wipe them away, annoyed at myself for letting him see how much that hurt.
There's no point in pretending I don't care now. He's seen me. So instead I speak my truth.
"I was coming down here to fix things with you because our daughter heard us fighting."
"No." He gasps.
"Yes."
He stands to his feet and takes a step towards me but I step back at the same time. The door begins to swing shut when I step away but he lunges forward and catches it in time, so we're both stuck in the doorway, him pleading with his eyes and me glaring at him.
"You know, I've done a lot of shit I regret, but you... I never regretted you. And I always thought you felt the same way." I croak, shoving his hat into his chest a little to harshly and turning on my heels.
I don't give him the chance to respond, as I sprint for the door. Even after I've fled the house I don't stop running. I run all the way to the church where I meet Siddiq, waiting at the door with a friendly smile.
It slips when he sees my red eyes.
"Are you okay?"
"I'm fine. I'll see you in the morning." I rudely dismiss him.
He doesn't say another word and he walks away.
I stay outside until I'm sure I look relatively normal and calm going inside. I don't need another thing for Magna to use against me. So finally, I pull myself together and go inside.
****NOW****
"Wow, he said that?" Negan asks as he continues to bounce the tennis ball off the wall.
"Yup." I say, pissed at the whole situation, it's just messy.
I sigh. "It doesn't even matter."
He raises his eyebrows. "Well, clearly it does. C'mon, if you don't sort this out Kara will be gutted."
"Yeah, you're right. But jeez, it's gonna be so awkward."
"Yeah, can't help you there." He chuckles.
"I need to get back and get the kids to school." I lean my head against the bars.
"Pull yourself together kid, it isn't the end of the world."
I smile and roll my eyes, sitting up straight again.
"It could be worse, you could be stuck in a cell for six years." He chuckles to himself.
I wonder what that's been like, how he hasn't gone crazy. I wonder how willing Rick would be to bend the rules for him a little bit. We could never tell Maggie.
I begin to stand up when I hear a small noise, something hitting metal.
When I look down I see the small tennis ball has rolled onto my foot.
"Oh man!" He groans.
I laugh. "It would be a real shame if I brought this home with me." I tease.
"C'mon, don't be an ass." He reaches his arm up through the bars as he try's to grab it.
I think about winding him up more but I really don't have time. I need to get home. I pass it back to him.
"Okay, I've gotta go." I sigh.
"See ya, kid."
I wave and make my way towards the house.
I walk in through the front door and close it quietly behind me. I pick up the umbrella stand that was knocked last night and put my bow and arrows in it. The house isn't as quiet as I expected it to be which leads me to believe the girls are already up. The migraine that had disappeared for about two hours is beginning to come back and I can feel the pressure already beginning to build up in my head, making the room spin.
I try to ignore it as I walk into the sitting room to find Kara sitting on the couch with her school bag on her back. Fangs sits at the bottom of the couch but lifts his head when he noticed me. His tail starts to wag back and forth in excitement. I rub behind his ears and sit beside him on the arm of the couch, letting it support my weight.
Kara's arms are crossed and the frown on her face let me know that she's already in a fowl mood.
"What's with the scowl?"
She looks up at me in surprise but somehow her expression doesn't change.
Someone must have really pushed her buttons, she's pissed.
"Ugh, dad took my bow!"
"Really?"
She nods. "Yeah, he said I can't have it back unless I 'change my attitude'... I DON'T HAVE AN ATTITUDE!" She stands to her feet and paces around the coffee table.
"No, not at all. I mean you're so calm and collected all the time." I remark and she throws daggers with her eyes.
I shrug. "As much as I hate to admit it, your dad is right. You don't get away that easily with all the shit you've been pulling at school."
"It wasn't even my fault." She whines.
"He may have started the fight but you don't have to hit him every time he opens his mouth."
"Someone should." She mutters.
I stifle a laugh.
"Hit me." I say, casually.
"What?" She finally stops pacing to look up at me in confusion.
"Hit me." I shrug.
She raises her eyebrows in shock.
"No!"
"See how easy that was? Just don't hit people."
She sighs and rolls her eyes.
The room starts to spin again and suddenly I'm seeing two of everything.
"Mom?" Kara's voices echoes through my head and I look down to find two of her looking up at me.
Has the room suddenly turned 1000 times hotter??
My stomach starts to tighten and ache and I know what's coming. I blink twice to try and clear my vision.
"Mom, you look funny, are you okay?"
I nod as I start to swallow in attempt to keep my stomach from reacting as it is. "Yeah, Yeah, uh, go get your coat. I'll bring you to school." I rush my words.
"But it's only 6:45am."
It's no use, I can't stop the warm feeling already rising through my chest.
I start running for the bathroom and as soon as I find it I slam the door shut and empty the contents of my stomach into the toilet.
"Mom!" I can hear Kara's panicked voice from outside the door. I reach up and lock it.
"I'm fine!" I lie as I start to retch again.
"DAD! Dad, MOMS SICK!" Her voice trails away as she searches for Carl.
"No-" I begin to say before I get sick again.
Stupid migraine!
I Wipe my mouth and slouch completely onto the ground.
I'm exhausted, I just want my bed.
I lay my head against the cool tiles. I have to admit, it does help.
I hear a soft knock on the door, making me jump.
"Mads? Are you okay?" Carl's voice calls softly through the door.
I'm not sure if Kara is with him or not so I can't tell him to piss off.
"I'm fine!" I snap.
"Can we talk?"
"Can't. I'm busy."
I hear him sigh from the other side of the door and I can picture him running his hands through his hair out of frustration.
"C'mon Mads, I didn't mean what I said. I was just angry."
I presume Kara isn't with him now so I stand to my feet and brush my teeth quickly before unlocking the door and opening it quickly, purposefully shoving it into Carl.
"Jeez, Mads! I'm sorry, Okay? I scr-"
"Just drop it Carl." I sigh. I'm not in the mood for fighting anymore, I'm too tired.
"Let's just get the girls to school. We have to talk to the teacher anyway."
"I don't know what to do about her." He admits.
"Well, I've been up all night with lots to think about, so I sorted it."
I walk to the door and grab my bow and arrow from the umbrella stand.
"Kara! Judith! Let's go!"
Both of them come bouncing down the stairs.
"Hey Mads!" Judith greets with a smile on her face.
I ruffle her hair. "Hey kiddo."
"What are we doing after school today?" Judith asks.
I look at Carl, who just shrugs.
"Aunt Jenna's?" Kara guesses.
That would be way too awkward and I'm not going near that house until Carl fixes that whole situation with her.
"I think she's busy today actually. Maybe we'll just hang out with Fangs in the garden." I say.
Carl throws me an appreciative look but I ignore it.
"Or we could practice shooting arrows?" Kara chances.
Carl rolls his eyes which leads Kara to slump back into her bad mood.
We walk to school together in a complete awkward silence. The only sound is Fangs soft pants as he follows next to us.
When we reach the door of the school we're greeted by Kara's teacher.
"Have you thought of anything?"
I nod. "We both know that Kara is beyond her own age, she's bored of school because she knows everything she's being taught already, no offense to you or anything, she just watches Judith do her homework, she picks things up easily."
"Okayyyy?" Her curiosity burns behind her words.
"So, let her move up a grade or two, she could move into Judith's class. Problem solved. Kara and Ruth's devil child would both be separated and Kara won't hate school so much."
I can tell she's considering it.
In fact, it takes about a solid hour to convince her that this was the right thing to do and because Carl had no idea what my solution was, it takes him a while to hop onto the idea. Eventually, she caves and escorts the girls inside so she can assign Kara to her new class.
"You look sick." Carl notes as I make my way to the infirmary, as promised.
I have no idea why Carl is following me, it's getting irritating.
"Madison?"
"Madison, did you hear me? I said-"
"I ignored you perfectly fine the first time Carl."
He groans. "Will you please just look at me, we really need to talk."
"I already told you, I'm busy." I snap.
He grabs my arm and swings me around.
"No, you're not. You're just ignoring me."
I slap his hand away from my arm.
"Actually I am, I have places to be. But you're right, I'm not ignoring you because I'm busy, I'm ignoring you because I'm pissed at you. So pissed off that I can hardly look at you. So, leave me alone."
Thankfully he does, but I can't shake the irritated feeling as I open the infirmary door. It's empty inside.
"Siddiq?" I call out.
I try to calm myself in the few moments I have alone. Poor Siddiq always seems to catch me in the wrong kinda mood.
I use the time to skim through the medicine cabinets. I'm always curious about them, I'm not sure why. But it's good to know. I'm a runner and if I know what isn't in the cabinets at least I can look for it on my next run.
When I've looked through the cabinet twice, I move onto looking at the posters stuck up decoratively around the infirmary walls.
One shows the human organs, another of the lymphatic system and the sensory system. One in particular catches my eye.
A pregnancy poster.
I'm not sure why I stop there or why it freaks me out so much. I suppose it's just natural to jump to that conclusion when you feel a little off but I hadn't thought of until now.
I shouldn't panic, this nausea and sickness is based purely off my migraines.
Right?
"Madison." Siddiq's voice makes me jump and turn quickly.
"Oh, hi, I didn't hear you come in."
"Yeah, sorry. I was just getting someone to quickly cover my shift with Magna and the others." I nod.
"Where are they?"
"Still at the church, only I managed to get Rick to watch them for a little while."
I chuckle. "I'm sure he was more than happy so he can figure them all out."
Siddiq smiles as a response.
"But, uh, why not just bring them here with you?" I ask.
"Because what I wanted to talk to you about was something I wanted to ask you in private."
"Oh."
Why do I have the feeling that this won't be good....