This time it's going to be different. It has to be. The panic of turning thirty, and having very little to my name, having achieved nothing is making it easier to push through the self-sabotage, to keep writing even though the fear of success and failure looms over me, crushing me, both as equally daunting.
"Ask him about me, does he miss me?" Karma appears beside Aldwen, running her hands through his thin hair.
"Leave him alone!" I silently demand.
Aldwen shifts uncomfortably.
"We should stop," I warn.
He shakes his head, "No it's fine. Let's talk about Polly, it must be hard being without her."
"I bet he was hot back in his prime, what do you think?" Karma has her arms wrapped around him, standing behind him, one of her hands slides underneath his cloak. Aldwen is trying his best to ignore her, "Do you think I was the first woman inside of him?" she smirks.
"Yeah it is but Bastian is nice enough and Kahli has been nothing but kind to me."
Aldwen nods, "Good, that's good. Bastian is pleased with your progress, are you?"
I shrug, "I guess." It's not like I haven't been through training before, "Shouldn't we talk about what happened yesterday?"
Bastian could've died not that I'm blaming Aldwen. It's not his fault Karma is a fucking crazy psychotic bitch.
"That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me," Karma gushes over-dramatically.
"I've told Dr.Sahari what she needs to know."
"And what about me? If Karma was able to posses you that means she's a spirit right? That I'm not insane? Did she tell you anything?"
"We still don't have a definitive answer yet Everly."
They're meant to be some of the best in their fields. Shouldn't they have answers by now? I need to know.
"Either way I'm not going anywhere Everly," Karma says now sitting right next to me on the arm of the chair.
"You're wrong about that. If you're a spirit, you'll be banished, and if you're a delusion, well you'll also be banished, I'll risk everything to get rid of you, even if it means I end up brain dead," I reply silently knowing the bitch can hear me.
"I have another appointment. I'll speak to you again tomorrow Everly. Dr.Sahari asked that you go straight to the infirmary."
I'm assuming I don't have a choice in the matter. Poking the bear isn't working, hopefully, she has a new strategy today, one that doesn't leave me completely drained. The dread is heavy in my chest as I leave Aldwen's office, and begin making my way to the infirmary. Up the stairs, it's the first door on the right. I'm one hundred percent convinced this is going to end badly for at least one of us.
"How are you feeling?" Dr. Sahari asks. She wasted no time, dragging me into room three this time as soon as I stepped through the doors. If I was smart, I would've taken a long bathroom break. At least we aren't in her laboratory. I'm unsure how her hands have healed because of the pink rubber gloves that pair nicely with her coat. Trading in the long body skirt for dark grey slacks, sleek they make her look slightly taller than usual.
"I'm sorry-" I begin.
"No need to apologise, it's not like you were in control," Dr. Sahari shrugs it off and turns her back on me. I hear clinking as she stands in front of the desk.
That doesn't make me feel any better.
"What are we doing today?"
Sitting on the bed I can't help but fidget with my fingers. I should ask if she can turn on the ceiling fan. It's hot in here, my hands are beginning to sweat along with the rest of me. I'm glad I didn't leave my salt crystal behind, it works wonders, it doesn't stop you from sweating but it also neutralises odors, oh great now I sound like a commercial.
"I'm going to try and see in your mind again," Dr. Sahari faces me with a needle in hand.
I'm not afraid of needles at least not until now, it's rather menacing looking and sharp.
"What's the needle for?"
"It's to subdue your magic."
That doesn't sound too bad.
"Shouldn't Bastian be here just in case?"
Dr. Sahari approaches and pulls up my sleeve.
"There's no need."
"What did Aldwen tell you about Karma? Did Karma say anything to him? He wouldn't tell me."
"We can talk after, just relax," Dr. Sahari stabs me with the needle, "Get comfortable."
Resting on my back, I see the plain ceiling begin to warp, "Please don't, I'm fine looking at the ceiling."
The last thing I want is for the stars to be ruined for me, becoming associated with stress and anxiety. Thankfully she listens. Resting my hands on my stomach, Dr. Sahari leaves the room. I'm assuming temporarily, using her time elsewhere as she waits for whatever she injected me with to kick in.
Warm and fuzzy the feeling begins to spread around my body like a weird pleasant version of pins and needles, I feel heavier than usual. Why can't I move?
Dr. Sahari returns and doesn't waste any time, crossing the small room her fingers pressing against my temple.
"Wait, I can't move, why can't I move?"
My arms and legs won't respond but I can still move my lips and lift my head, from the shoulders down however I am absolutely useless, "What did you do to me?"
"You're safe here Everly, just relax and let me do what I'm good at. You want answers, don't you? I can get them for you, but we need to work together, you have to calm down. It's just a temporary side effect from the magic paralysis. I promise."
That's easier said than done. Focusing on deep breaths doesn't help at all in the beginning, not when I can feel the resistance in my mind, like the beginning of a migraine that you know is going to hurt like heck, the kind that takes a dark room and wet face washer along with medication.
Closing my eyes, the hint of pain explodes in my mind. Raging like a severe storm no part in my mind is untouched.
I've got to fight through it. Dr. Sahari can give me the answers I need. Come on Everly.
"Tell the bitch to stop, and I will," Karma appears by my side.
No, not again.
"Get fucked."
"All right if that's the way you want it to be," Karma readies her thumbs. Whatever is about to happen can't be good and of course, trying to get away fails, since I still can't fucking move.
Gouging my eyes, the pain jumps on the scale from a ten out of ten, up to at least a few hundred out of ten. I can't hold back the scream as I lose my sight and I'm plunged into darkness, unfortunately, it barely drowns out the sound of my eyeballs being turned to mush.
"Stop!" I've never screamed so loud in my life before.
"Everly, I need you to work with me," Dr. Sahari replies. Can she not hear the anguish in my cries? Karma is slowly taking her time, digging around in my eye sockets.
"I said STOP. I can't do this anymore," I cry in between the screams.
My pain threshold is basically non-existent. It's not that I don't want Dr. Sahari figuring out what the fuck is going on, to be rid of Karma forever, but there has to be another way that doesn't include me being tortured. There must be.
"I can't concentrate with you practically screaming in my ear Everly. If I could do this with you unconscious I would."
Silence.
Karma hasn't stopped hurting me, playing inside of my skull with her thumbs, and I'm still crying and screaming for the suffering to end, but all I can hear is my sniffling.
"I've just paralysed your vocal cords, only temporarily. They will function normally again when I'm done," Dr. Sahari says matter-of-factly. It's scientists like her that feed into the soulless uncaring stereotype. I'm assuming not all science-driven people are sociopaths.
Hours or minutes, it's impossible to tell how much time has passed when the door bursts open. Karma relents, and as the pain fades my vision begins to return. Bastian rushes into the room with Kahli on his heels,
Karma is smirking and gives Bastian a small wave before vanishing.
"What are you doing?" Bastian rushes to my side.
"I can't move," I'm able to talk again or rather be heard.
"It's just a side effect from-" Dr. Sahari starts.
"Magic paralysis," Kahli sighs and shakes her head, tissues in hand she cleans the mess on my face. I know my eyelids are swollen, I can feel it. My eyes are probably all red too. I must look more hideous than normal.
"Thanks, Kahli. There's like an antidote or something right?"
Wait antidote is for poisoning. Gods I'm so stupid.
"You have to wait for it wear off," Dr. Sahari answers the question I clearly wasn't directing at her.
No, no . . . no.
"There's a much quicker way. I can help counteract the paralysis, and you Sahari will speed up our metabolisms, have our bodies process it faster than normal," Bastian practically orders.
"Well, that seems unnecessary. Both of you paralysed is-"
"I'll wheel in another bed," Kahli interrupts before leaving the room.
Bastian must be sick of being my savior by now. I know I'm tired of needing one, of being helpless. Bastian is so strong and seems so sure of himself, Kahli too.
I shake my head at Bastian, "No, I'm not having you paralyzed too. It's not worth it."
"So I'm not the only one sensible one here after all," Dr. Sahari remarks. I was so wrong about her, she seemed so kind.
"You have an hour Sahari, work fast," Bastian says ignoring me as Kahli enters.
Two beds and a desk it about all the room can fit. Bastian is refusing to change his mind. Beds side by side Bastian reaches out and grabs my hand, not that I can feel it. Closing his eyes, I look around the room, Kahli is standing in front of the door, and Dr. Sahari is standing by, clearly annoyed at the situation, even though she is the one responsible for causing the drama in the first place.
"Start on Everly," Bastian insists. It's a waste of breath trying to argue. His hand is still on mine, he's not moving a muscle which means it worked.
Dr. Sahari moves out of sight as Kahli heads towards the desk, getting comfortable on the chair. Again, I'm not sure how long it takes before I begin to feel my extremities, at least not until I'm able to sit up and look at the clock that had been out of view. It's 12.30 pm. Honestly, I thought it was going to be much later than that.
"Go have something to eat, you need your strength for training," Bas tilts his head to the side to look at me.
"I'm not leaving."
Relieved and disappointed part of me was hoping I'd be able to skip training today, but at the same time, I need the distraction and to move around, plus I don't want to be alone as much as I'd like more time to focus on my story.
Kahli stands to her feet and sits beside me on the bed, "I'm guessing you didn't eat breakfast? You should listen to him, he's rarely right, besides we won't be far behind you. I'll take care of him," Kahli gives me a reassuring pat on the shoulder.
"Okay," I nod reluctantly.
Being paralyzed, and having Karma blind me feels like a twisted daydream. There are laws against torture of any kind including the medical field. Surely a law was just broken. Is that how Dr. Sahari generally treats her patients? Like things instead of living beings.
Lost in thought it's not until my name is called that I realise I've arrived at my destination. The dining hall is busy with patrons and gleeful conversation.
"Thank gods, I looked for you but I couldn't find you," Polly appears in front of me, wrapping me up in her comforting arms, like coming home to your bed after a long hard day.
Polly?
Snap out of it, will you?
Polly! She's dressed as colourful as ever, standing out amongst those in the crowded room. A bright yellow button-up blouse accompanies a zebra pattern short skirt, her blonde hair down and flowing over her shoulders.
Relief doesn't last long when I remember the letter I sent but considering Polly's smile and seemingly good mood, either she didn't get the letter, or she still wants to be friends.
"Hi, I . . ."
"I brought you lunch, savory scones and chocolate muffins for dessert, even your favourite cold brew coffee," Polly shows me the small wooden basket she's holding.
We should talk in private, "Follow me," I begin leading the way with Polly following behind me and after a short walk, we arrive at the botanical garden, full of chirping birds, vibrant colours and beautiful scents. Despite the lack of a gravel path, the grass looks flawless and untread even with the heavy foot traffic this place must get.
"This place is amazing," Polly grabs a blanket from the basket, it flutters in the air before falling slowly.
My heart is racing, nerves tying my stomach up in knots. What if the reason that Polly is so happy, is because she's about to say goodbye forever? Wipe her hands clean of me. We've been friends for so long. If I've ruined it, I'll never forgive myself.
"Yeah, it really is," I reply as we both take a seat on the black and white chequered material.
The suspense is killing me, I have to know.
"Did you get the letter?" I ask watching Polly pull out small plates, a couple of parcels and thermostats, she unties the ribbons on each bundle, pulling back the cloth for each one revealing a pile of scones, and two large double chocolate muffins.
"We don't have to talk about that silly thing. You were having a bad day and made a mistake, it's okay babe," Polly passes me the steel thermostat engraved with my initials.
This isn't what I expected. Polly was meant to either tell me we can still be friends or that I can go to purgatory and rot. How am I meant to deal with his?
"It wasn't a mistake, this, us-"
"Have a pumpkin scone, I know how much you love them," Polly places a scone on a plate, holding it out for me. I've lost my appetite, but I grab the plate and place it down in front of me.
"Polly please-"
"I added vanilla syrup to your coffee," Polly grabs my thermostat, removes the lid and pours me a cup, "Don't let it go to waste," Polly is waiting for me to take it.
Giggling, I recognise the awful sound before Karma materialises before me, sitting right beside Polly she has a wicked smirk on her stupid bloody face. Seriously when is this bitch going to clean off the blood and get dressed?
"Yeah Everly, have a drink," Karma challenges, and I remember her words before she possessed Aldwen, when she basically told me Polly is drugging me.
"Shut up and leave me alone," I silently hiss at Karma before taking the cup, holding onto it, "Stop trying to change the subject, Polly, please" I beg.
"Fine, aren't you going to have a drink?" Polly asks.
"Drink, drink . . . drink," Karma chants, her balled fists slamming the ground each time for emphasis.
I'm sure it's a lie, that Karma is full of shit. This is just a game to her, making me doubt not only myself but everything and everyone in my life, yet I can't bring the small cup to my lips. A slither, the smallest percent of my mind can't help but wonder if Karma is being truthful, and of course, the stubborn part just wants to do the opposite of what Karma demands.
"I meant what I wrote in that letter-"
"You're under a lot of stress Everly, that's all this is. Your life is crazy right now, not to mention you were struck by fecking lightning five days ago, and ripped from your home, you're not thinking straight and that's more than understandable."
"Well yes but no, that's not why I wrote the letter."
"Can't we eat and drink first, you look tired, the coffee will help," Polly grabs a jar of blueberry jam from the basket, along with a butter knife, and of course my stomach betrays me, grumbling loud enough for Polly to hear along with anyone else nearby.
Skipping on the jam, I take a large bite of the scone hoping now we can finally really talk, "I don't feel like coffee, what else is there to drink?" I ask looking at Polly's thermostat.
Grabbing the drink bottle, Polly swallows her mouthful of food, chugging the contents of her liquid straight after. Having finished, she turns it upside down and shrugs, "Sorry, I was really thirsty besides I know you don't like the taste of green tea."
Karma smirks pleased with herself as Polly wipes her mouth with the back of her hand, "Well wasn't that suspicious."
No, it wasn't, Polly just knows unless there's a lot of honey and lemon, I can't stand the taste of green tea.
"The experiment isn't-"
"Remember I promised I wouldn't let you push me away?" Polly cuts me off for what feels like the hundredth time in the past five minutes. My frustration level is reaching critical, I'm talking hair pulling and screaming.
That was when we were still just best friends, before the drunken sex started, before I was talked into playing house, with the goal of trying to condition me into breaking down the wall around my heart, the one that instills fear whenever someone even hints at having romantic feelings towards me.
"Of course I-"
"I don't break my promises, Everly. You're trying to push me away, using the opportunity of us being apart to run and hide but I won't let you self-sabotage our relationship. I know a part of you feels like you don't deserve to be happy, but you do," her focus falls to the cup I'm still holding in one hand, "I thought you liked cold-pressed coffee? I picked it up from the bakery on my way here."
Tipping out the coffee from the cup and furnace Polly's jaw practically drops to the floor, "I'm sorry, but enough about the coffee, I'll pay you back after you stop interrupting me, and let me talk."
"Why did you do that?" Polly asks stunned by my actions. I don't blame her. Such a waste I shouldn't let Karma get to me. Polly must think I'm the worst right now.
"I'm sorry, I don't know what's wrong with me," I apologise.
"Is that what little you think of me?" Polly's gaze falls to the small puddle of coffee being absorbed by the ground, "I put thought and effort into that gift, and you just throw it away?"
"No manners, so rude," Karma tsks and shakes her head.
"Shut the fuck up," I snap.
"I'm trying to tell you-"
Polly begins packing up the food carelessly, throwing everything into the basket, "The quicker you get out of here the better, I don't like the person this place is turning you into."
"Just stop please," I beg as Polly stands to her feet.
"You can keep the blanket, I'll see you again soon, hopefully, you'll be in a better mood," she says before leaving me, standing there completely confused and shocked. What the fuck just happened?
**********
Author's Note: How did you like the chapter?