*This is probably the most requested one-shot series I have received, the week before Shehnaz's birthday, the ugliest fight Sidharth and Shehnaz had. You guys, this is the 4th time I'm watching these episodes and I always cry like it's the first time. I have such a soft spot for Shehnaz; like my heart was physically hurting watching her cry. I don't think I've ever cried for someone else like I did for her, like I wanna hug her and protect her all the time. I hope you guys like this series because it literally took extreme emotional involvement to write them.*
*******
This Weekend-Ka-Vaar slightly took a toll on almost everyone in the house, mostly on Sidharth and Shehnaz. The happiness Shehnaz felt after meeting Gautam Gulati, she had been a huge fan of his for almost 5 years now and that was an epic fan-girl moment for her, when he walked into the house, went straight up to meet her, in his style that she was mad about, and a few hours later, the entry of Kartik Aryan, finding out that she was Amrita Singh's favorite contestant, her joy knew no bounds, but this happiness seemed to be shortlived. She had gotten attention, recognition, and validation from all the people she admired but the confidence and happiness she felt quickly faded when the person she possibly loved the most, Sidharth Shukla, said that he wouldn't want to see Shehnaz in his future. He might've said this in a funny way, taking up her flipping as a reason, that she flipped from him to Gautam to Karthik earlier that day, but Shehnaz felt every ounce of happiness from the previous events drain out of her body. Here she was, praying and hoping that she had a future with him, but he straight up didn't want anything to do with her. She took another blow when the caller of the week completely crushed her by accusing her of never supporting Sidharth in the game and that she had to answer to a stranger about her standing with Sidharth.
Later on, Salman Khan had confronted Paras on many topics, one of them including the words he used he used for Shehnaz's father. He received a good earful from him for going out of line and speaking against Shehnaz. That evening, Shehnaz sat with Paras to talk to him about what had gone down.
"Ab tune boldiya jo boldiya. Vaise bhi aaj tereko bohot sunna pada issliye main iss topic ko chod rahi hoon. Mujhe malum hai ki mein kaun hoon aur mera baap kaun hain, inn sab se jo log bolthe hai, usse mujhe koi farak nahi padtha. Tu iske wajah se apna game math kharab kar." She told him, no one understood how she could handle the situation this way. Was it her naiveness or was she just that nice?
"Nahi. Main maan tha hoon ki jo bhi maine bola, woh galath tha. Lekin mere dimaag sadd gaya tha uss waqt aur mein tere papa ko bhi sorry bol raha hoon." He said, trying to fix the mess.
"Main ek baat batathi hoon tujhe. Papa merese khasam leke gaye hain ki main tera muh nahi lagungi ab se. Aur main unka kasam pura karungi. Kyunki tu jaisa hai na? Aur jaisa baath kar tha hai? Mujhe apna apna, Punjab wali feeling aathi hai aur issliye main tere se attached hoon lekin mujhe tu bilkul pasand nahi aur iss liye main tujhse door rehena chahthi hoon kyunki mujhe terese woh apnapan nahi feel karni hai." She told him clearly.
"Haan haan sahi baath hai. Chal." He said, dismissing the conversation.
******
The next morning, Sidharth and Shehnaz laid down in bed together when suddenly Sidharth said, "Tu apna bed change karle."
"Kya?" Shehnaz asked him, confused.
"Bed change karle." He repeated.
Main nahi kar rahi apna bed change."
"Tujhe problem ho rahi haina?" He said.
"Kya? Problem tujhe ho rahi hai."
"Tu jaake apne doston ke saath so ja." He taunted her. Where was this coming from? Shehnaz was confused.
"Kya doston ke saath? Kaise dost? Tere dost nahi hai?" She asked him.
"Nahi hai yahape dost mere."
"Vaise koyi dost nahi hai yaha pe. Pata chal raha hai, kaun kitne paani mein hai. Dikh raha hai." She said irritated making him turn away from her.
"Haaye Rabba." She sighed getting up and pushing his blanket away from her, irritating him more.
"Shehnaz this is not a joke. This is not funny." He said, turning his face to look at her.
"No this is not a joke. It's not. Lekin tune kaise bol diya ki bed change karne ko?" She said to him.
"Muh se."
"Kyun bola?"
"Kyunki main comfortable nahi hoon. Issi liye. Baat khatam hogayi yahi pe. Baath khatam. Math karo. Math karo." He yelled every time she tried to talk.
"Tune kyun bola yeh?" She stubbornly asked.
"Tu mujhe abhi irritate kar rahi hai. Maine bohot jaane diya lekin mujhe yeh cute nahi lag raha hai. Yeh cuteness jaake kisse aur ke paas dikhau." He yelled at her when she started giggling.
"Tera problem kya hai?" She asked him, genuinely confused.
"Main hoon problem. Main hoon." He screamed at her.
"Pehele tu mujhse dheere baat kar. Tone neeche kar." She demanded. She could yell back at him, but she knew it would only make matters at hand worse, but she wasn't intimidated by him. She was probably the only one who fearlessly went to him when his anger and his temper reached its peak, it would not have made sense if she screamed back at him when the anger was directed at her this time.
"Mujhe tu acchi nahi lagti." He stated, making her pause.
"Kya?" She said, this time a bit more serious.
"Yeh zyada satisavitri wala image bananeki koshish math kar." She continued.
"Main koyi koshish nahi karr raha hoon" He said.
"Saare jhappiya pappiya hogayi hain yaha pe." She said, smiling a little bit.
"Haan malum hai. Malum hain."
"Toh ab chup kar jaa aur yeh bata ki problem kya hua hai."
"I am not answerable to you."
"That's because you don't have answers." She gave it back to him.
"Whatever you wanna think." He said, his tone was defensive because he knew she was right. He either did not have answers or the answers he had, he could not give them to her.
Their argument went on and on, there was no beginning to it, nor an end. Sidharth knew deep inside what the problem was, but to even say it out loud to her, he had to come face to face with it himself and that was something he wasn't willing to do. Sidharth the angry man feared the turmoil of emotions and feelings inside him. He knew every moment from this point on will be testing for him and her.
It was late in the afternoon when Shehnaz tried to talk things out with him again, there was no one in the bedroom giving them some privacy. Sidharth had given himself an ultimatum, he had to somehow make sure Shehnaz stayed away from him, he had to tell her that they weren't okay with each other and probably won't be anymore. But why? The answer to that, Sidharth himself didn't know.
Shehnaz sat on the edge of the bed, she watched Sidharth close the bedroom door, he hoped everyone understood that he needed the privacy. He walked up to her and stood right in front of her and placed his left leg up on the bed right next to her, trapping her. Shehnaz craned her neck to maintain eye contact with him.
"Tumse meri attachment haina?" He started. Shehnaz looked away from him the minute he started speaking.
"Hmm." She agreed.
"Lekin tum jaisi ho na? Vaise log mujhe pasand nahi hai." He said, and each word felt like a knife slitting through her skin.
"Kaise?" She asked in a soft voice.
"Bohot time se maine, 3 mahine se, maine tumhara bachpana samajh ke bohot saare cheeze jaane de raha hoon"
"Theek hai." She replied, almost defeated.
"Ab yeh tumhara bachpana nahi hai aur main yeh acche se samajh chuka hoon aur yeh cheej badal nahi sakti. Mere dost jo hote hain, woh tumhare jaisa nahi hote hai..."
"Hmm" She replied and Sidharth fell silent for a fraction of a second, he expected her to retaliate like she always did, to fight him.
"Main aise logon se door rehta hoon." He continued.
"Uska koyi reason toh hoga na?" She asked him. Her tone wasn't accusing or questioning, she simply wanted to understand, she wanted to know why.
"Mereko aapse baat nahi karni." He started with the 'aap', it seemed like he wanted to distance himself from her by doing that, 'tu' made it seem like he had that right on her and that relationship with and he didn't want that to intrude on decision to break all ties with her.
"Tu aise hi rishte nahi todd saktha. Teri marzi nahi chal sakthi." She told him.
"Meri marzi hi chalegi. Mere zindagi par meri marzi hi chalegi." He stated.
"Lekin kuch toh hua hai jo tu merese aise react kar raha hai. Tu aise hi nahi react kar sakta. Shayad main Paras se baath kar rahi thi tab hua hai... ya phir?" She continued. She was digging deeper to understand why and Sidharth knew if she did he'd be forced to confront his emotions again.
"Mujhe toh jaan na hai. Aur jab tak main jaan na loo, main tereko irritate bhi karungi. Mereko ek bandha dikha de jo tere baare mein sochta hai. Main iss ghar ek akeli aisi ladki hoon joh tujhe khud se pehele rakhthi hoon." She defended.
"Math rakho." He said, as if it was as simple as that. She literally told him a few days ago that 'haar jeeth se aage tu hai mere liye, jab tak tu hai, mai hoon.' What had happened?
"Teri problem kya hai?" She said and then mocked his absolutely stupid demands.
"Tu hai kya cheej, main karti hoon tujhse toh tu usse le. Jo bhi iss ghar main aata hai, woh sab se pehel tera naam leta hai mere saath. Main karti hoona, le usse. Main yahi karti rahoongi jab tak tu nahi bolta ki problem hai." She told him.
"Yeh jo bhi fuddu se harkate karti hoon na main, apne aap ko maarke ek word ke piche jo main itne week se jhelthi hoon, end mein aake jo maine react kara hai, uske piche tu yeh sab kar raha hai toh."
"Jaake yeh dhukda camera ke saamne roh, mere saamne nahi." He said cutting her off.
"Tu level dikha apna, tu kaha takh ladega. Dikha apna level. Appreciation ki baat karta hai, kahan nahi di maine tujhe?" She kept fighting to fix this. But Sidharth's patience was running thin, he growled in frustration.
"Shehnaz don't make this ugly. Don't do this, don't do this. I beg of you don't do this" He warned her.
She finally looked up making eye contact with him, "Main kuch nahi kar rahi hoon. Main boori banti hoon baadme, main boori banti hoon." She said finally speaking for herself.
"Nahi nahi, main boora hoon, main boora hoon. Tum great ho, aur main maan raha hoon yeh baat. Sach bol raha hoon. Main bohot gandha hoon, tum acchi ho.."
"Main tere paas aati hoon." She tried talking to him.
"Main bekar hoon, baaki sabse mein bekar hoon, bekar hoon" This was it, Shehnaz knew that he was losing grip over his emotions, it seemed like he held power in this conversation till now but now his emotions that he tried to hide away were pouring out.
"Dheere bol. Dheere bol. Sabko ekkhate nahi karna hai tujhe." She said disregarding what he said.
"Yeh sab jo bolte haina ki jab mai tere paas athi hoon, who game ke liye"
"Nahi nahi. Main gamer hoon. Main gamer hoon. Main khel raha tha, use kar raha tha idhar tak pohonch ne ke liye." He said, completely out of nowhere.
"Tut tut tut, yeh teri wording hai." She somehow was defending Sidharth against himself, lots of people said that he was using her for the game and it might've been taking a toll on him but Shehnaz? She didn't believe it for a second.
He walked away and moved towards his side of the bed, getting into it to lie down, Shehnaz doing the same on her side. Their actions contradicted their words most of the times.
"Yaha koyi estamaal nahi karsakta, aur yeh jo bhi yaha pe bolte haina ki main tuje game ke liye manati hoon, yeh koyi mera game nahi hai" She swiftly and subtly brushed some stray locks of hair that fell on his face as he grabbed the pillow and cuddled it into his arms.
"Mujhe nahi jaan na hai yeh sab." He said still trying to carry on the fight.
"Mujhe sirf clear karna hai.."
"Abhi nahi clear karna yeh sab mujhe.."
"Toh kab karenge?"
"Abhi nahi, dekhte hai.. bahar jaake karenge." He said, a small smile took over her features, at least she'd get to meet him.
****
There were no words spoken between either of them for the rest of the day. Not even before bed, Shehnaz's heart felt like it was constantly being pierced with each second that passed by. She sat with Vishal and Rashmi, she spoke to them, she tried to be normal and forget that she wasn't with Sidharth anymore, what her mind tried to let go off, the heart yearned for more, for Sidharth. She wanted to be in his arms again, to be in peace but things had gotten slightly ugly. She was still trying to figure out why.
Aisa kya hogaya isko? Shayad Salman sir sahi keh rahe te? Jo reaction mera Gautam ke aane pe nikhla, shayad woh usko pasand nahi aaya?
She remembered what she told him just a few days ago, if he would give her a green signal from his side, it wouldn't matter even if Gautam or Karthik would show up, but he was the one who ended the topic by saying the he was too old for her and to battle the rejection Shehnaz tried to cover up falling in love with him to just loving him. Why did he expect things from her when he couldn't give her what she expected. Woh bhi toh gaya tha bathroom mein Shefali ke saath, a few hours after she told him that she loved him.
So many thoughts ran through her minds, was it her fault? Was he trying to save himself the pain for loving her? What was even going on?
Sidharth on the other hand watched her go around and talk to everyone in the house, the discussion with Vishal in the afternoon and the one with Rashmi and Asim at night, he watched her through all of them. How could she claim to love him but go and talk to those people who were against him? But he did notice the way her eyes were dull, how she wasn't laughing like she did with him. But it didn't matter anymore.
They slept that night, restless and discontent, they both stayed on their sides of the bed not even looking at each other.
The next morning, the housemates got into a fight about the kitchen duties and the minute Sidharth's name was taken, he lost it. He was angry and he fumed at Asim, he was in the middle of a screaming match when he noticed Shehnaz was walking towards them. The entire morning she hadn't made an attempt to fix things with him, she sat aloof or with the other gang but when she got up and walked towards them, a slight hope awoke inside of him, he couldn't handle the distance anymore. But his hopes were crushed as she turned the other way and walked out of the room.
Shehnaz couldn't handle being there and not going in between Asim and Sidharth as a human shield, she had taken it upon herself to protect him from himself because she knew everything he said and did in a fight, if they went out of line, they'd come back and bite him in the ass. She always stopped him but he himself asked her to stay away and the way it was done, her heart wasn't strong enough to go back to him just yet. Her heart pricked her every second she watched him lose himself in the altercation outside, but what had to be done, had to be done.
****
Shehnaz wanted to retaliate, even if it was in the smallest way, she curled her hair that day, wore tons of makeup, she looked ready to get on the field. She wanted him to know that she was ready and if he wants to fight, then she will too.
Shehnaz was sitting on the couch in the garden area watching the task that was going on, she was alone in every sense, she hadn't gotten an opportunity to take part in the task because she wasn't a part of any team and she was lonely because the only person who mattered to her wasn't with her. She sat and simply watched when a fight broke out between Asim and Sidharth for the second time that day. She didn't react and stand in front of Sidharth when he pushed Asim, she didn't stop him when he went onto his father, she hadn't dragged him away when Bigg Boss announced that Sidharth had to move away from Asim, she hadn't stopped him when he lost himself yet again in another fight.
Sidharth was losing his mind, what happened? Why was he reacting so much. Surely it wasn't over the fact that Asim had cheated, there was no way his nostrils flared and his head almost split open with every passing moment that he was fighting. Paras, Mahira, and Rashmi together could not stop the beast that was enraged within him. And the only person who had the ability to lower his anger wasn't with him, he wanted that, didn't he? For her to leave him alone? Why was every small thing affecting him so much? A fear broke out in his heart when he realised that she was giving up on him. He remembered how strongly she defended him and explained how provocative Asim was, he remembered how everyone went against her for standing by him during the beginning of the game. But he was hurt, he felt betrayed and cheated, Sidharth still didn't know why. When did this girl become so important to him that he was completely losing himself because she fought with him? He had to either come to terms with his feelings or keep pushing her away and amplify the bitterness between them.
Shehnaz accepted the distance between them, she was ready to give up her game for him, what was a bit of space? If Sidharth wanted space, she would give him that too. She was weak enough to need him but she was just as strong to let go of him, if that was what he wanted.
Sidharth seemed to have become a landmine for the rest of the day, every small thing made him explode on a wide scale but not once did his Gadhi approach him that day.
That evening, the elite club task was set to take place, Hina Khan entered into the house. The chairs were set up and when Shehnaz wanted to take a seat, she approached the chair next to Sidharth on instinct but was rather disappointed to see Paras on one side and Shefali on the other, but she felt a bit of relief, they were making it easier for her. The only empty seat was next to Asim, and she took it, irking Sidharth even more. She noticed how even from a distance Asim was poking him, she wanted to stop him and tell him to back off but before he could, she watched Sidharth swiftly get up and walked upto him, the screaming match started yet again and this time in front of Hina. Shehnaz tried to finally stop the fight, but instead of grabbing Sidharth away, she yelled at Asim to stop, it made his blood boil more.
'Uski life haina? Uski marzi se chalti hai. Uski marzi se usne rishta tod diya. Kiss haq se jaake roku usse main?' Shehnaz thought.
They were asked to asked to move into the confession room to have Bigg Boss himself tackle with the problem.
"Sir main abhi isko maarke nikhal jaunga." Sidharth threatened.
Asim was quickly asked to remove himself from the confession room and move into the elite club. The moment he walked out, started Sidharth's breakdown.
He held onto his head tightly, growling and whimpering, as if holding onto it would stop it from physically split it open, a few hot tears filled his eyes, but he blinked them away as soon as they came, not even letting the cameras know that this breakdown wasn't his anger that came out because of Asim, of course he played a huge role in it but it was because of the emotional vulnerability he felt, something he had never been a victim of before. He was so vulnerable that even the slightest thing made him burst. This was proof enough that she was affecting him more that was okay with and it had to stop.
*****
Shehnaz's stomach churned, she wanted her Sidharth to be alright, he was just recovering from typhoid, this would just make him sicker. Why was this happening?
She still slept next to him that night, there was a barrier of pillows between them, separating them. Neither of them could sleep, usually their fights were sorted by now but the pain they felt in their hearts, no one could understand. Physical pain probably was better than the agony she felt. She couldn't cry or laugh, Sidharth never expressed anything but he was never monotonous but today he was. They couldn't even bear to look at each other, they were already mentally drained and they knew, one look at each other, it would either fix everything or create a bigger and a mightier war. And she felt her heart break every second of that silence.
*****
*I have no idea if this even make sense, this is not a fan fiction, this is just an exploration of that week and their feelings. Tell me how it was and how I could make it better because I know that this isn't my best work because honestly the entire week was so confusing and so much of it wasn't shown to us. Just let me know how it is and if I could add anything.*
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