I might have started the second kiss for all the wrong reasons, but now that I'm in the moment, everything has changed. His lips are smooth, and his body is warm against mine. I open one eye to check and see if Dan is still spying on us. Of course, he is, so I kiss Max deeper. The deeper I go, the more I lose myself in him.
His large hand drifts upwards, covering the right side of my face. My heart jumps with excitement. We moan in unison and my stomach tightens at how the sound mixes together. The outside world is nothing but a foreign memory. Here in this moment, it's only me and Max and our tongues tangled in this wild game.
Please don't let go, I think in my head. His other hand holds onto my waist and he pulls me in tighter. It's like he heard me. I could kiss this boy for hours on end and never get tired of it.
Someone bangs on the glass door. Max jumps back, his hands slip off me, leaving me cold and confused. Even wrapped in his sweatshirt I tremble with chills. Everyone's eyes are on us through the glass. It's like we're some zoo attraction. I hold onto myself and shy away from them and from Max.
Max won't look at me. His eyes are focused on the deck. The kiss was a huge mistake. The first wasn't expected, but the second, I should have resisted. He and I — how could we ever work?
"I gotta go."
Max stares at me. A blank expression plastered on his face. I wish I could read him. A knot creeps up into my throat, tightening with every breath. Without another word I race for the steps behind Max and almost take him out as I pass.
The glass door slides open. I'm halfway to the metal gate when Alexa calls my name. She mumbles some more words, and I assume they are to Max. I don't turn around. I just want to go home.
***
The drive back to the house feels like it takes hours, but it's less than five minutes. I sit in the driveway staring at the house. My breathing is unsteady. My hands are too. I need to control my beating heart before I go inside.
Walker's home. His car is parked beside mine. The second I go in there he'll know something is off. He always does. Walker is more in tune with emotions than Dad. I'm okay with it, I love talking to him, but I need to process my thoughts before engaging in that conversation.
I stare at Max's soft gray sweatshirt. Lifting the neck of the sweatshirt, I take a whiff. The faint smell of Max's clean, fresh scent tickles my senses. It somehow calms me. Within seconds I feel like myself again.
The sounds of the TV greet me when I open the front door. A high-pitched male voice talking about construction vehicles babbles on and on. I slip my shoes off and attempt to reach the stairs before Walker notices.
"Hey Lennox, is that you?"
Busted! I take two steps down the stairs and walk over to the living room. Elli is standing up in front of the TV flapping his arms while watching the latest kiddie trend — Blippi. Elli's eyes light up when he sees me.
"Ex it's an excavator," he says.
"Excavators are so cool."
Elli nods his head, then returns his attention back to the TV. He's improved so much since I first met him about a month ago. His therapist says he's a smart kid, he just has a little trouble processing language.
I turn my attention to Walker. His lips are pursed, and his eyes are glued to the unfamiliar sweatshirt I'm wearing.
"You're home early," he says.
"Yeah, just tired." I shift on my feet.
I wait for him to ask me about the sweatshirt, but he remains quiet, yet the question remains in his eyes.
"Are you still up to helping with the ticket sales on Monday?" he asks.
Monday is the day tickets for the premier go live. They need all the help they can get. Between the online sales and at the box office itself, this is bound to sell out quickly.
"Yeah of course, I'll give you guys a hand. Thinking of going live while I'm there too."
"Sounds like a plan."
"I uh — I'm really tired, Dad."
Walker's face still lights up every time I call him that. It always came naturally. Even when he and Dad were only friends, he's always been like another dad to me.
"Hey Lennox, are you okay? You look a little — bummed."
Being here with them, I almost forgot what its like to have someone care about my feelings. Living with Mom was okay at first, and then my feelings came second, and I was on my own to deal with them. Speaking of her, she hasn't been in touch all week. It's been peaceful without the constant nagging emails about gigs I could get.
"I'm okay. Really tired. It was a long day. I'm actually gonna head upstairs and take a nap."
"Okay, sweetheart. I'm here if you need me."
I know he's not lying.
Upstairs, I flop onto my bed and stare up at the ceiling. I pick out the imperfections in some of the white paint trying to piece together what happened today. I honestly don't know why I ran out of there to begin with. Kissing Max was amazing, but the thought of getting close to someone again scares me.
My phone digs into my backside. I roll to grab it and as I do I get a notification. It's VGMaster. At the sight of the username in my inbox, I try to push the thoughts of Max aside.
VGMaster_10: Hi. Are you around?
I quickly type in a response, although I don't want to sound too eager to talk to them.
Orbit_TheaterLI: Just signed in, what's up?
I should probably sound more professional, but I feel like things are different with this person, and the urge to just be me takes over.
VGMaster_10: I've just had a very confusing night, and I guess I just need someone to chat with. Sorry, this is weird messaging a business page about my personal life.
I laugh so loud that I snort.
Orbit_TheaterLI: Yeah, but I'm the one messaging you back. Maybe they shouldn't have trusted me to run this page lol. Something must be in the air. My night was the same.
VGMaster_10: Need to vent to a random stranger on the internet? I'm your stranger.
He types out an emoji with its tongue sticking out. I curl up into a ball and burrow under the covers, hanging onto the fabric of the sweater as I rest my head on the pillow.
Orbit_TheaterLI: Wouldn't want to scare you with my crazy drama.
VGMaster_10: Scare me? Nah, don't think you have it in you.
I start typing in a message, when another one from him pops up.
VGMaster_10: Have you ever had feelings for someone you probably shouldn't have feelings for?
I pause my hands for a moment because this is the exact thought going through my head. It's like this VGMaster is reading my mind. Before I can write, he's already sent another message.
VGMaster_10: It's not that she's a bad person, but she's not from the same world as me. I'm not sure if that makes sense. Also, by the end of summer I'll be heading back home, and I don't know how I'd handle long distance.
Finally, my fingers start working again and I send a response.
Orbit_TheaterLI: I get it. I also know the fear of long distance. I almost had one of those, but the relationship never even really got started.
VGMaster_10: So, what made your night so confusing?
I stare down and Max's sweatshirt. My stomach tightens remembering the way his lips felt against mine. The lingering scent of him jars the memory enough to give me another jolt.
Orbit_TheaterLI: If you can believe it, I'm feeling the same as you. There's someone I think I might have feelings for, but I don't think he likes me in that way either. On top of that the - almost long-distance guy has returned to my life and wants to talk. He was a cheater and led me on for a long time. I should have known it was always an act and never anything more.
I bury my face into the fabric again.
VGMaster_10 I assume you still have feelings for the cheater? I've been cheated on, so I know the feeling. They never change even when they say they will. As for this "new thing" maybe see where it goes, you never know.
Orbit_TheaterLI I'm sorry you were cheated on too, it sucks. I'm not even sure this "new thing" feels the same way, or if I really feel something or if I'm just looking for something to fill the void.
VGMaster_10 You won't know till you try, but if you are not feeling it then don't lead them on.
His comment takes the breath out of my lungs. Leading him on. Maybe I need to sort through my feelings before I see him again. I don't want to hurt him or lead him on. I just want to sort things out.