Dear Harry,
I feel so lost right now. I feel like there is a gigantic weight on my heart and with every day it only gets heavier. I hate to complain because when I walk down the street every day I see people who are far worse off than me, but everything is shit.
My boss has been making me do a lot of closing shifts lately. It will only be him, the cook who's in the back and me... it makes me feel so uncomfortable. I'll be cleaning down the tables, bending over every once in a while and he'll just sit at the register and watch me. He doesn't say anything or do any work, just watches with these eyes that seriously give me the creeps. I don't know if I've become so desperate for money that I don't want to risk getting fired or if I've just lost all my spunk but I can't get myself to call him out about it... It makes me nervous.
I haven't painted in weeks. Literally weeks. It's not that I don't want to. I really wish I could with the amount of stress I have been feeling lately, but nothing comes out. I guess I painted one thing the other day but it was so awful that I threw it out immediately. I don't know what to do but I can't seem to find any creativity or inspiration in me. That's the whole reason I'm here. Not to have my boss stare at my ass and potentially get frostbite in my own apartment. I'm supposed to be painting.
New York isn't what I thought it would be.
I love the city and everything, but I'm second guessing myself. I'm not sure I can be what I want to be here. Not when there are so many other things happening that I can't seem to control.
Gerdy's sick. I found out a few days ago and I can only go about five minutes before it pops back into my head. She has fucking lung cancer and she hasn't smoked a day in her entire life. Sometimes I really don't understand why the world does things like this. She's tried to convince me that she's going to be okay and she isn't going anywhere, but she's is already in stage three. If anyone can beat it surely it would be Gerdy but... I don't know. I can only be so optimistic.
To continue the sad news roll that I'm on, Ethan called me crying yesterday. He was so upset. He wouldn't tell me much of what was going on but he kept asking "Are mom and dad going to get a divorce?" and "What did mom do?" I didn't know what to tell him, I tried to comfort him in any way I could but it's difficult to do from thousands of miles away. I feel so guilty, Harry. How could I leave my little brother to fend for himself? If I would have realized how awful it was going to get between my parents I might have stuck around longer. He's just a little boy.
I find myself constantly checking my mailbox, hoping desperately you will have written me back. I know I don't deserve it, hell it's probably best if you just try to forget about me and all the shitty feelings I caused, but I can't stop myself from checking. I can't help but worry about you. I want to make sure you're okay.
It was eating away at me the other night while I was lying in bed, staring at the ceiling. I never gave the time to think about how that must of felt for you, me running away like that. Then I got to thinking about how upset you were after Lauren died and how sad you got. And while I don't think you can even compare my running away to someone you care about dying I couldn't stop thinking about how I could have been the reason to make you so... sad again.
Eventually I got desperate enough to make sure you were okay that I called Matt. He seemed slightly confused because I've only talked to him once since he left for California but he was his normal kind self. He assured me that you're still alive and getting along fine and for a brief moment I felt so incredibly happy. Happy that I didn't ruin everything you had worked for. I didn't want Matt to tell me any more details because it was hard enough listening to him talk about you. He kept offering to give me your number but I refused because I don't think I'm brave enough to call you, it's hard enough sticking these letters in the mailbox.
Why did you have to leave Harry? Why couldn't you have at least said goodbye?
If you would have just tried to say goodbye in person to me it would have all been so different. I went to Matt's to apologize to you for being such a bitch and running away, and I was going to tell you something... but then you were gone.
I was going to tell you that I loved you too.
And I still love you, even if I haven't talked to you in three months and you left me. I still love you.
I wish I wouldn't have been so stupid and scared of my own feelings that day you told me. It just scared me so much. In my head I couldn't comprehend how you could love me and the only thing I knew how to do was run away from it. I was the one who was the coward.
I didn't want to let myself be in love with you and so I denied it. Then I was talking to my dad and he said things that made me realize I was an idiot for trying to keep that away.
Harry, you changed me. I'm not the same person I was when I first met you. And while right now I'm going through a terrible funk, during the summer you made me SO happy. I have never been that happy in my entire life. I just wanted you to be there for every moment. I still do.
I'm sorry for pushing you away, I'm sorry for being cruel, I'm sorry for not realizing sooner.
I never felt lonely before you. I never felt like I needed anyone else to be there. I don't think I need to rely on anyone else for my happiness, in the end I'm in control of that. It's just I want you here, or to be where you are. I want to share the happiness with you.
And fuck, now I'm crying again. You know the last two times I've cried have been because of you. I haven't cried in years and then you come along and all of a sudden I'm sobbing mess.
But maybe that's a good sign?
I think this is going to be my last letter. I don't think I can continue this anymore. Maybe someday we'll meet again. Maybe we will pass each other on the street and wave to each other, remembering that summer we were best friends, best friends who fell in love but couldn't figure out how to say it at the same time.
I don't know what to think of my future right now but I know that there is something out there for me. If you ever read this I hope you know that I want the best for you. I hope you find all the happiness in the word because if anyone deserves it, it's you Harry.
-Ellison
P.S. You were enough for Grey Street. Grey Street just didn't know how to handle it.
P.P.S. I love you. I hope you know that because I was stupid enough not to tell you when it actually mattered.
That's even scary to write... I love you.
Bye Harry.
...
Okay, so the next chapter is the last... ahhhh, can't believe it. What do you guys think? Will Harry ever reply to Ellison? I'm so excited for you all to read it.
I'm hoping to be a super productive student this week (finals are quickly approaching) so I don't plan on updating through out the week, but we'll see.
Even though the next chapter is the last there will be an epilogue-type thing after and at least one more non-story related update, so please make sure to check those out. Thanks again for all of the support, comments and votes!