It was almost impossible not to think about the news, the whole night. Every other though I had was another possibility of what Tom would tell me. Maybe he's going to tell me that he hates me. Maybe he's going to tell me that his life is a lie... and he quit acting. Maybe... You get the point.
We walked through the busy streets. It was getting darker and we decided to turn around and go home. No pictures in this darkness. But honestly, I couldn't care less about the photo project. That was not my number one priority in the moment.
Tom stayed so close to me as we walked. As if he was a part of me. He probably didn't want to loose me in the crowd of Christmas shoppers.
It was finally December. That meant bells, and lights and Christmas. It meant beauty all around.
I didn't mind the fact that Tom stood so close.
But it seemed like every time I got around Tom. I'd remember everything that my mother said about him. Everything that Carl said about him. About how much he cares about me. About how he has never had his heart broken.
I felt a sense of guilt every time I was around him. Fear. Fear that some day, I could tear his heart in two. I could be the reason he doesn't believe in trust, and love, and happily every after.
And yet I still allow him to be this close to me. How absolutely selfish and arrogant am I?
The thoughts swirling around in my mind, began to make my head pound. I dismissed all of my thoughts and continued walking next to him. Not thinking about the consequences now, but knowing that they were going to catch up to me soon. Sooner than I thought.
-
-
I watched Tom as he brushed the tiny snowflakes off of his jacket in the hallway of my apartment.
He took the jacket off and hung it on the coat rack. Then he walked into my apartment and shut the door behind him.
"Aren't you gonna take your coat off?" He asked.
When I finally noticed he was talking to me, I glanced down at my coat and nodded. "Oh. Yeah."
I took off my coat and hung it next to his. "Sorry I just zoned out for a second." I said to him.
He smiled. "What were you thinking about?"
"Just..." I didn't quite know what I was thinking about. "Everything I guess."
Before he could even make it into a conversation, I changed the subject quick. "Would you like some tea?"
He shrugged. "I'd love some. I'll help you make it."
The silence of the room filled the kitchen again. Tom finally got done filling the tea kettle and placing it on the stove. He turned around to me and leaned up against the counter. I avoided eye contact and got some tea bags from the cabinet. Making myself look busy, fiddling through the cabinet.
"Ari? I have one question." He stated out of nowhere.
I kept my eyes off of him and continued to 'look for the tea bags'. "What is your question?" I said.
"You let John go. Burned all of his memory. You moved on with your life. Why don't you try at least, opening that box of your fathers."
I stopped fiddling and grabbed the box of tea bags. I placed them on the counter and turned back to Tom. "Where is all this coming from?" Referring to the random upbringing of my father.
He shook his head. "I don't know. Its just... I think it would help if-"
"No." I said bluntly. Ignoring his explanation.
"But don't you think-"
"No." I confirmed. Not even giving him a chance to finish.
Tom sighed. "Okay. But just remember. Sooner or later, You are going to have to face your fears. You can't just leave that box in there, locked up forever!"
It grew quiet and I thought about his words.
I had a slight feeling that Tom wasn't just talking about the box.
He was right. I can't keep pushing away the problems because I'm scared. The thought of the news that Tom said he had, came back to me. I think it's time I know. "Tom, what did you need to tell me, from earlier?"
Tom's jaw clenched with nervousness. The tea kettle screamed on the stove. I took the kettle off the burner. My eyes still laser focused onto Tom.
"I thought you wanted to wait to hear it." He said quietly.
"Not anymore. Tell me." I responded.
Tom turned his back and walked over to the couch to sit down. He motioned me to do the same. I followed.
Once we both were as comfortable as possible, Tom spoke. "When we first met. And I told you that I was an actor... I said that I was sort of, off the radar until January, when I shoot my new movie."
I nodded. "Yeah, I remember that."
Tom sighed. "Well, they moved up the date of the movie. And they want to start shooting a couple weeks early."
"So..." I said, giving him a chance to explain more. Even though I really already knew what he was going to say.
"I'm leaving in a week. The movie is being filmed in the U.S and I'll be leaving." He finished.
"Well, that's good news. You'll be acting again! That's great Tom." I smiled. A little relieved. "How long will you be gone?"
Tom looked up to me. "Six months." He answered.
My jaw dropped. And I felt a pit in my stomach. "Wow! That's a long time!" I said, trying to act like I was still happy for him.
"Between shooting for the movie and interviews, I won't have time to fly back and forth to London and America. So I'd be there for that long." Tom explained. But I didn't really listen.
"Wow. Just... wow. That's amazing. America... the movie." I wasn't even making sense as I spoke.
Tom touched my hand ever so gently. Causing me to concentrate again. I really was happy for him. It was just hard to show it because deep down, I didn't want him to go.
"Ari. Are you alright?" He asked.
I smiled. "Yeah! Its just... I've literally been with you in London since day one." I stated. "Its going to be very odd not having my assistant around for so long." I smiled.
Tom studied me. "It doesn't have to be that way." He said.
"What?" I said not getting what he was hinting at.
"Tell me to stay." He answered.
"What? No!" I said, surprised.
"Ari if you want to me stay, I'll stay with you." Tom said seriously.
"And why the hell would you want to do that?" I said.
"Because I love you."
I sat there in complete shock. Frozen. I saw the seriousness in Tom's eyes.
My lips quivered. "No... you don't love me. You don't mean that." I said, under my breath.
Tom heard me. "Yes, I do."
"You can't. No, you don't really love me." I argued again, under my breath.
"But I do love you." He said.
"Stop saying that!" I yelled, as I got up from the couch. "You can't say that!"
"And why the hell not!?" He yelled back. Tom got up and followed me. "What are you so afraid of?! Why do you push away the people who love you?!"
"You know why." I stated.
Tom shook his head. "What... because of John? Well, I'm pretty sure you said yourself, I'm not John, nor will I ever be!"
"Its not John that's the problem!" I shot back.
"Then what is it!?" He shouted.
"You!!!" I screamed. Tom jumped back. His eyes grew misty as he comprehended.
I caught my breath. My eyes stayed locked onto his. I spoke quietly again. "Its you Tom. Don't you get it? You're perfect. Your huge heart is made of gold. You're giving, and loving, and you have never had a reason to feel uncertain about things like trust, and faith. You aren't broken. You have never been hurt. You never let anyone get close enough to break you." I sighed. "But I did. And because of that, I'm broken. And screwed up."
"No you're-" Tom started, but I stopped him.
"I know what I am. And you don't deserve someone like me. I could break your heart, don't you understand? I know what It feels like to have my heart broken, because it happened to me. And I don't want to give you that feeling." I shook my head. "I am not going to be the person who could break your heart. I won't."
"But I want you to. I want you to be that person that could maybe break my heart. I'm willing to take the chance in having my heart broken. I've never been so sure about something in my whole life. When I kissed you... that's when I knew for sure. You can't tell me you didn't feel anything when you kissed me."
My eyes began to water. "I did. But you don't understand-"
"No, I do. You're afraid that you are going to break my heart. But, who cares? What happened to living for now? I'd rather take the chance in getting my heart broken by you, then not having you at all." He smiled as his pleading eyes began to water too. "Look, I told you before that, a man who loves you will fight for you. And damn it, that's what I'm going to do. Even if I have to fight for the one thing that can hurt me in the end."
I closed my eyes tight. Trying to keep the tears in. "You don't know what it feels like. To have your heart broken by someone you love."
"Then if it happens, which it won't! I want you to be the one to show me what it feels like." He stared at me. "Will you please... just let me in. Let me be the reason that you smile everyday. That's all I want. Let me love you." He waited for me to speak. Anticipating. I swear I heard his heart beat.
I opened my eyes and let the tears fall. I looked up to him. His whole face looked stressed.
I looked down to the floor. "I'm sorry."
He had his answer right there. He closed his eyes and covered his them with his hand, looking up to the ceiling. Defeated. He took his hand away from his face and looked back down to me. "No. It's okay." His voice said, shakily.
"Please don't be mad. Please..." I got more and more quiet as I spoke. Tears streaming like a silent river.
"No." He whispered. Wiping the tears off my face. As tears of his own ran. "Never. I could never be mad at you." He smiled slightly.
He let go of me face after a few moments. "Okay. I have to go pack for the trip." He walked towards the door of my apartment and picked up his coat.
My tears didn't stop as I followed him. I stayed a few feet away from him although it felt like a mile.
Tom slipped his coat on and opened the door.
"Tom." I said.
He turned around. And the lighting reflected off of his misty, watery, eyes. His eyes were green in the light. "Yes, Ari?" He said, in his shaky voice.
I took a deep breath. Holding onto my chest, heavy with pain. "Are you sure you're okay?"
"Yeah." Tom said. He nodded. "I'm fine."
Fine. That hurt.
Before he could even see the look in my eyes, He shut the door and left.
I walked to the door and placed a hand on it. Holding me up. He said he loved me.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Tom, I'm so sorry." I whispered to myself.
Next part coming soon! Hope you have some tissues!!!!!!! x.Ashley