THE WORLD is a shitty place, but this time I realized that's mainly because I have an outlet driven by cynicism and hatred.
The government tried to make it better by matching me up with a soulmate and by absolute luck and charm that I never deserved I was paired with Stanley Uris.
But suprise, suprise, I fucked up every little chance I had with him...by being myself. My name is Bill Denbrough and welcome to my follow up TedTalk about how I was going to sort out my fucked up life.
I woke up this morning feeling the shittiest I have felt in a while. But I decided to try and be...productive for once about my problems.
I know, I know, you're probably wondering: Who are you and what have you done with the old Bill?
Well the old Bill was an asshole and lost Stan, but the new Bill was going to do everything in his power to win him back.
There was a lighter filter surrounding my life because I needed to get my shit together.
BILL'S TO-DO LIST.
● To get Georgie back
● Stanley Uris
●DESTROY THE SYTEM!!
Richie had been no help, yet another surpise. When we had tried using the power of Google to help us make progress through the list, he was more interest in my search history than anything else.
A copy of it can be now found everywhere in our school.
Bill's recent Google search history:
Birds.
What makes birds so interesting?
Why are certain people interested in birds?
Why are cute boys into birds?
Why are cute boys names Stanley Uris into birds?
Ambient sounds to help you sleep, What qualifies you for a service dog? Why do cats like to sit in boxes?
Daily horoscope.
Does quoting Shakespeare sound flirty?
Buzzfeed quizzes food?
How to be soulmatey.
Richie couldn't stick around all the time sadly as he also had a soulmate. So did Bev, Ben. Rue just gave me death glares whenever I walked passed and I couldn't bring myself to talk to Connor.
And Mike...well Mike had taken on the role of Stan's best friend. They sat next to each other at lunch, talked to each other all the time and Stan would help out on the farm.
Richie and Stan also seemed to have reached a civil relationship of Stan insulting Richie's jokes and Richie going out of his way to make extra jokes for him.
In other words, they were practically besties.
I dunno, I guess everyone accepted that what I had done was shitty. They still talked to me and all but there is only so many times people will try to stay after you tell them to fuck off.
I had made a tally chart, fuck I was turning into Stan, but anyway I had made one in order to keep track of how many days Stan hadn't been talking to me for:
DAYS I HAVE BEEN STANLESS:
I I
TWO it has been TWO DAYS, SIX HOURS AND 126576 SECONDS since Stan had spoken to me!
Calm, I am calm. I am a new found optimistic person. I can do this.
I really had been trying my best with this Stan probelm, Bev was brilliant. She sat at the end of my bed as I drew more birds for Stan, which I had been keeping in my notebook. Sometimes one or two Bev would slip in his locker without my permission, but I told her to stop it as I didn't want to harass him.
He asked for space. But there lies the catch. I know from personal experience, questionable One Direction fanfiction and TV programs: When people want to be left alone they also want to know that you're desperate for them to forgive you.
If you seem uninterested or don't care, then they'll get even more mad.
But Stan was so detatched and out of place with the human species in general, I didn't know what to do. Bev had just told me not to overwhealm him but not act like I don't care, let him know that I was dying inside.
So I left little hints like doodling crying cats in history and making sure he could see, put sad quotes on my social media and wore his hoodies everywhere.
Obviously we couldn't actually look like we were upset with each other...because like death, but Stan had managed to find a way to be intimate and passive agressive. It was the worst experience in my life.
Plans would formulate and then destroy themselves in my mind as I followed the Losers into the woods, my sight occupied by Stan laughing to whatever Mike was telling him.
I scowled as subtley as I could because I wasn't going to get petty, I had moved on from that phase in my life. But it was more easy to think I was capable of that, then actually doing so.
"Bill...why don't you just go over there and-" Bev began and I cut her off by raising my eyebrow at her.
"B-Because no m-matter how h-hard I try, I-I'm not B-Beverly Marsh. I d-don't have your charisma and I-I'm too shitty of a-a person for i-it to work..." I mumbled and she rolled her eyes before hiding them behind her sunglasses, to give me more judgemental looks without hurting my feelings I guess.
"Not this again Bill...the universe doesn't have a fuck-up list with your name on it, nothing is that powerful" She said and I quickly jumped infront of her and covered her mouth.
"Shhhhhh, d-don't make t-things worse for m-me" I hissed, giving a little glance at the sky, a quick rain check for any falling planes that would land on me.
I could feel her roll her eyes again, just sense it. "What are you looking at? Have you turned over a new religious leaf? Has the Lord beseech us with the righteousness of thou?"
I groaned heavily as laughter followed Bev's giggle. "Has thou been enlightened to lead the way through the woods as well as the way of faith?" Mike asked.
"Hey guys enough" Stan said and my heart fluttered ever so slightly...ok a lot. "Bill is taking us onto a spirtial journey, we must listen to his prayer"
Did you hear that shattering sound? That was the sound of Stanley Uris breaking my heart. Oops there it goes again.
But even I couldn't pretend to be offended for that long, a small smile pressing against my lips, a small contribution to everyone else's laughter.
Well all except for Richie who was a bit lost but wanted to be involved anyway. "Do caterpillars have dicks?" He asked, again if there were crickets here...they'd feel special.
Connor seemed to have decided that my complete and utter avoidance of him had settled doen a little and that it was safe enough for him to talk to me.
"I'm sorry" He whispered, looking around to see if anyone was listening. "I was being reckless, because I could, I'm sorry I let you be too"
I shook my head too quickly it hurt. "I w-was beyond s-stupid and r-reckless...but d-don't worry, I'm g-going to win him back" I said tapping my forehead lightly.
Connor quirked his brow "Who even are you anymore?"
I shrugged my shoulders "If there is anything I can do to undo the damage I helped with, please let me know"
I nodded and stretched out my hand to shake his "D-Deal".
With a few blissful mummerings and whispers that fell with the autumn leaves, Stan decided to drift back, joining me at unhealthy slow pace. He didn't say anything for a while, just staring into the distance as we hiked through the woods. Like we were on an expedition.
The sun blistered through the skin without a single solace of mercy, draining any fluid or fibre from beneath my flesh, leaving my soul, my spirit dry for the-
Wait, I hadn't even explained what we were doing out here. Basically Bev and Ben had figured out what was on the bracelet turns out it spelt out the word LOSER.
Which was ironic really, but Stan guessed she meant us as in the Losers Club. The only physical place we could think of was the Loser club house, which no matter how many times we went there, we still never remembered where it was.
"So...how have you been doing?" Stan asked and I turned my head to hide my grin.
I could finally get rid of my stupid tally chart.
"Terribly" I mumbled, knowing this was what he wanted to here and it was the truth, so bonus.
"Good" He said.
"What d-do I need to d-do?" I asked "F-For us to b-be friends again?"
He frowned "I think you and I both know that friendship is a little unrealistic...and I think you already know what I want" I stopped in my tracks as he continued to walk.
WHATTT, WHATT IS IT THAT HE WANTED? I WAS SUFFERING, HE ENJOYED SEEING ME SUFFER!
Or maybe I had completely misread that situation.
That does sound like me.
Suddenly there was a loud crash and ben fell into oblivion, or the club club house, either way works.
The air moved like cool water and the aura of our footsteps infused far more deeply than it did in the light of outside. In the darkness the webs and stones were muted hues, as if they waited dawn to ignite their colours.
The cool air seemed to lace and interwine in the connnection of our fingertips as if it forshadowed such a touch was dangerous.
The darkness shifted slightly with the landscape as we made our way down the ladder and into the clubhouse. Richie instantly ran towards the hammock, Eddie tackling him but giving up halfway and just draped himself on him.
Stan shrugged his bag off and handed us showercaps. I gave him a confused stare when he handed me one and he smiled, shyly "It's to stop spiders from getting in your hair" He said, placing the cap over my head as well as the blush over my cheeks.
"Come on Stanley we aren't scared of spiders" Richie said before looking up and seeing that he was the only one not wearing one. "And I stand corrected"
"That's a first" Bev smirked, lighting a cigarrette.
"Touché".
I sat next to Stan tapping my knee awkwardly. "D-Do you want more bird d-drawings?" I asked him and he glared at me. "D-Do you w-want me to write you a l-letter? Poem? F-For me to c-cry...that will be n-no effort b-because I am o-on the verge of a-an emotional b-breakdown"
"A-Anything Stan please...I n-need you" I pleaded and his gaze darkened.
"But you didn't...I'm a mistake" He whispered and my heart broke all over again.
Tears had already started to threaten my eyes and Stan had already been there to wipe them away before anyone sees. "All I want is you..." He whispered.
"To leave me alone...because you know by now, at least some of you does know what I want" He added and my chest crinkled into an iron grip.
"A s-song?" I suggested and he rolled his eyes before standing up.
"I'm don't get why you're investing so much effort in someone who you clearly don't even know" Stan said before walking off, probably to Mike...his new bestfriend.
"Ok, can we please try to figure out what we need to do and why we're here?" Ben asked, leaning his arm against one of the pillars, causing Eddie to tremble in fear, because last time it had caused damage.
"Please do" A voice said, a very familiar voice. "Don't let me stop you" We all turned our heads, very slowly to the end wall, where lurking in the shadows, approached a slightly tall girl will long dark hair draped over her face.
We all instantly screamed and I quickly hid behind Bev, knowing she would protect me.
But it turns out it wasn't the girl from the ring, but in fact Betty Ripsom.
I don't know why I thought stating that calmly would make it sound any less weird, but I did.
"What the-? How the-? Why the-?" Eddie began, panicking, only relaxing when Richie passed him his spare inhaler, which he always just carried around with him I guess.
Stan looked like he had just seen Betty Rispom after she was broadcasted over the news for months about disappearing, used as an example of rebellion and was suffering internal conflict. Because yes, in itself it was a traumatizing thing.
"Betty-" His voice cracked, my hand slipped into his and he gave a vunerable look, like everything had just broke and rebuilt itself into a new reality without telling him first.
"Stan..." She began before looking at everyone else "Losers...looks like you found me, now can I ask you what in the actual name of roast pinapples did you try and find me for?"
Awkward and confused glances grew but never faded, she sighed heavily placing a hand on her hip, unimpressed. "We n-need your h-help" I said and her gaze softened a little. "T-They took m-my brother"
The look she gave me, scared me. Because it dissolved every wall of denial, optimism and dillusion I had creating, shaping the reality of loosing Georgie. Because I had binded finding him with her.
"Bill...I'm so sorry, but why did you think I could help?" She asked.
I bit my tongue, the blood skidding through my throat. Stan noted this and took over "Everyone says you found something...something that could destroy everything"
She hesitated for a moment, but the way she looked at Stan, drowning in trust, threw it all away. "I did, but I can't do anything in my own...if you guys choose to help me, you have to run away and risk everything"
"For Bill, for Georgie" Stan said "Easily"
"I also need a little more back up evidence, like more dysfunctional relationships, failures, mistakes" She said and Stan sighed, looking over at me, squeazing my hand a little.
"It's fine, I'm a mistake" Stan said, his voice shaking slightly as he did so. Betty's face fell, before she looked from Stan, to me, to Stan again.
She shook her head. "No Stan, I'm serious"
"I'm not joking" He said, a little offended.
"You two aren't uncompatiable" She said, confusion deep in her expression.
"W-We are c-currently fighting" I protested and she raised an eyebrow.
"Yeah, he cheated on me" Stan said and my heart sliced through my chest as I closed my eyes.
"You two are holding hands" She said and I looked up to Stan who just shrugged.
"So...? We don't want to get killed" Stan said and I wasn't really sure who he was trying to convince. I mean, I wasn't exactly playing on the safe side with finding Betty, Connor, climbing Stan's roof.
"There aren't any Watchers here" She said.
Although the 'Oh fuck' was universal, we still didn't let go of each other. I mean, it felt wrong...to just do what she suggested.
"I can help you" Connor said, breaking the silence. "My soulmate's in prison...I'm not an expert on love but I don't think trying to kill your partner several times is a romantic gesture"
Betty nodded. "That'll do" She said "Come on Losers, we'll have to rein it in for the night and I'll explain in the morning what I found"
"Where would we even go?" Mike asked and she smirked.
"I wasn't hiding in your club house this entire time, pack your ish Losers, we're leaving Derry" She said and silence poisioned the room until it was liberated by utter chaos.
"No one has ever left Derry and lived to tell the tale" Rue said, the only one of us apparently able to join her words up into a sentence.
Betty to raised her eyebrow and pointed to herself, before we ended up interogating her with 21 questions, which she replied with simple phrases or just tapped her nose.
Turns out to sneak out of Derry, we took yet another lovely trip doen the sewers, our useful guide: Betty Ripsom. The sewers led to a small abadonned building a couple of miles out of Derry.
To be honest I thought there would be more when you left Derry, but there was just miles and miles of road and empty fields. According to Betty, the old maps she had manage to find said that the next town was about four hours away.
You could tell Betty had been hiding out here for months. Despite the outside of the building, well what was left of it, looking like the only person who could live here was some sort of demon child in a horror film.
With every step there was a blanket or a piece of clothing that could keep you warm, the fire burned lightly, smoke drifting around us with a subtle wood fragance.
"Okay, I have enough sleeping arangements for everyone" She said, passing everyone a cup of coffee, which most of us weren't interested in drinking, just in staying warm. "I guess you can pair up with your regular bed buddies" She began " But I swear down if any of you have sex...I will kick you out, I don't want to be woken up and experience nightmares in reality"
"Connor you can have your own space" She said and he gave a small smile.
"Erm...B-Betty, c-can I also h-have my own room?" I asked, following her down the hallway and she gave me a confused glance.
"Why?"
"B-Because, S-Stan isn't very h-happy with me r-right now and I d-don't want to upset h-him anymore than I a-already have d-d-done" I said and she rolled her eyes
"You make it sound like he's being unreasonable" She said and I looked down at me feet. She was right, things could've been a lot worse.
"Look I'm tired, if you must then you can share with Connor or thirdwheel one of the couples" She said and both me and Stan winced at the mention of his name.
"Oh...Oh now, I get it" She said, laughing a little "Bill Denbrough...the plot thickens, I didn't think you had it in you"
"So that's why you two are fighting...I guess it's worth almost getting killed for. Well let me get this one thing clear, that's wrong, I'm going to say this because everyone else is too scared of you to say it. Well only Stan, sorry Bill you're as intimitating as a puppy on roller skates" She said and I rolled my eyes.
"You two may argue and insult each other all the time, but like every tv show or film it's because you both are hiding the fact that you really like each other and this is the only way you know how to communicate" She said and there was a silence before mass panic. Me and Stan both started protesting and arguing simultaneously.
Has she never met me? She can't just out me like that! Unless she's planning on paying for my funeral.
"Oh give me a break, I have been living on my own, researching romance for months" She said cutting us off. "You cannot fool the runaway"
"You're a fanciful emotionally unstable teenager" She said pointing at me. "You've read way too much books that you will deny in public, watched terrible romances and have been surrounded by successes to have a realtisic standard for your soulmate. You expected for there to music and camera swirls when you met. But it didn't and you decided straight away that meant there was a mistake in the system" She added and I opened my mouth to protest but he stopped me.
"But let me guess things started pretty badly between you two...and you can never forget about the fact that he probabaly made fun of something that I guess you were insecure about, as he does that, a lot, it's an unhealthy coping mehcanism that we're working on. But then he started to get more comfortable about him and you found out that he actually really nice but allowing yourself to fall for him would mean the system won and you would never see your brother again" She concluded in a bored manner, leaving me speachless.
"And you" She said pointing at Stan "You're like to pretend you're an emotionless kid who loves insulting people so no one will ever take advantage if you again. You close off the world from you but I bet you love it when people really know you and understand you, well because you're human"
"But nooo, falling back on him would be awful and you would feel terrible because ladies and gentleman, you both broke each other and you would have to live with that forever"She said and I looked at him, but he tried to hide behind his curls.
"So why don't you just both send me back to Pennywise, rip your clothes off and get. It. Over. With. All. Ready!" She shouted before walking away, leaving us both shocked and broken in the empty room.
We walked into our small room in silence, Stan awkwardly fidgeting with everything he touched. We managed to slip next to eachother, pulling the blankets over us to hide the heartbreak.
But my eyes couldn't leave his, every words, every breath, every moment that was Stan spiralled through me, consumed me. It was almost as if I hadn't lost everything, my heart was only beating, only for Stanley Uris. But I was breathing still and he wasn't mine.
"Stop looking at me like that"He whispered and I knitted my eyebrow together.
"L-Like what?" I asked as his gaze deepened.
"Like you'd run away from everything, for me" He whispered
"But I w-would" I whispered and he closed his eyes, his breath shaking .
"I'm not your answer Bill...and you can't be mine, not when you can hurt me" He said and everything around me sank inwards.
"Stan, don't be scared" I whispered, the stutter escaping me "I'm not your answer, I'm nothing...and I promise you nothing will ever hurt you, because I can't loose everything"
"I'm not your everything" He said. "I won't let me be"
"Then why does everything crumble when you cry? " The look he gave me told me that with those words everything sunk, every fear, every wish, every little piece of common sense that ever existed and ever will, all have why to numbness.
And then just like that, my hands reached up to cup his cheeks, I leaned forward and pressed my lips against his, stepping off the edge of the cliff.
He tasted like despair, lust and a hint of ash.
In that moment the entire universe burst into colour, my lips painted with the galaxy's edge. The once sombre darkness that had tainted my heart was dissolved with an ilusive soul made of stars.
Exotic fibres of light, that provoke holes in a blanket of darkness. Speckles of raw passion that had once only lived in a forbidden fantasy now suprised me in reality.
Soothing brush strokes of vibrant colours and dangerous hues swirled through his touch, stroking the tones together, infused with eaxh touch as they embedded the serenity and mystical nature of a constallation, falling into place on my lips.
I smile crept through my lips, as I kissed the colour of a constallation falling into place.
But then it fell, just like the newly form planets and stars. Swept away from my lips leaving a trickling snapshot, sending shivers from my skin as it tried to stay alive.
He pulled away, staring at me, more shocked then I was of his own actions.
His cheeks were brushed with a rose hue, heat rolling off of them, his eyes wide with shock. "Oh my god," I all but jumped back and away from him.
"I am s-s-s-so s-s-sorry," I scrambled backwards, trying not to freak out.
He didn't say anything and I wasn't even breathing. It was like there was no more air left in the world. And I was gasping, and I was panicking.
"I don't e-even k-k-know, I don't k-k-k-know what I w-w-was doing, I am so s-s-sorry-"
His gaze pooled into my chest, rushing into where I only supposed my heart could be, and it was beating thunderously
I could feel the heat casscading from his breath, on my cheeks. It drew a way for a second as he held onto it before leaning down to reach my lips again. I instantly fell into him, every movement fitting perfectly like a puzzle piece, stealing the oxygen from my lungs again.
Lips that had broken into mine and left it unlocked so long ago had returned and I had never forgotten what it felt like and yet it still suprised me.
Fire and passion rolled off of his chapped lips, lighting the cold fuse of my body and spirit. Painting it with lust and promise. My hands trailed through his hair and his were already wrapped around my waist, his lips flooding the rest of my body, soft and rough, molten and electric.
It fell like falling snow, each individual movement lacing my skin with a cool fire, spirallining through my body, making my heart strike like thunder.
It interwhined with my soul, filling me with electricity, embedded with fibres of passion and sadness at the same time because I knew he was still hurting.
Nothing felt right once it all stopped, it was like the world had collapsed around us, there was nothing there that was important apart from Stanley Uris.
"Well...fuck"Stan said.