𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞, 𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐩 𝐦𝐚𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐚 𝐟𝐨𝐨𝐥 | 𝐠𝐧𝐫 𝐨𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐭𝐬

❛ 𝚒 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚝𝚘 𝚍𝚎𝚊𝚝𝚑...𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚋𝚎𝚢𝚘𝚗𝚍 ❜ | 𝚜𝚕𝚞𝚏𝚏

tw//homophobia, suicide scene

It's been three years. Three fucking years since I lost him.

I lost him to something that could've been prevented if only I were there for him — there with him. But no. I wasn't. And his demons got the best of him.

He was sad. So, so sad. But no one would take the time to listen to him. I'm ashamed to say that I was one of those people. He needed me and he was too afraid to tell me. But he knew that I knew he needed me.

All those nights I'd sleep in the hotel room beside his and hear him sobbing his heart out into his pillow. He tried to quiet them, but I could still hear.

Axl gave him a ton of shit for it and I will never forget it. Saul was dead for all of three hours and the first thing Axl thought of when the doctor had told us was, "I guess we should start looking for a new guitarist."

The doctor looked disturbed, I looked disturbed, even Izzy looked disturbed. Nobody knew what went down in Axl's head but we all could agree that it was entirely fucked up. I still remember the conversation we all had that day. It haunts me.

"Axl, that's really insincere." Steven sniffled, eyes rimmed red, cheeks and eyes puffy from tears and he was shaking every so often. Slash was his best friend. They'd known each other longer than we've been a band.

"It's not. I'm just thinking about what happens now. Everyone thinks about that after death."

"It's been fucking three hours since we found him dead and that's all you can think about?!" I snapped at Axl as tears ran down my face.

"He was our best friend. And now he's gone. We could have been there and we weren't." I snapped.

Izzy slowly blinked away his tears.

Just then, Ola and Anthony came storming up to us. She immediately approached me and stared up at me with big, hopeful eyes. More tears ran down my face as I bit my quivering lip.

I shook my head and she gasped, covering her face as she sunk to her knees and sobbed. Anthony, her husband, was right by her side, comforting her as silent tears ran down his face.

I found him in the bathroom when we had got home. He'd slit his wrists and slipped underwater after taking his last breaths, dying before we even got to the doorstep.

I couldn't explain the horror that ran through me as I lifted his lifeless body from the water and dropped to the middle of the bathroom floor, still holding him, as I screamed for someone to call an ambulance.

I held his head and I hugged him so tight, but I knew he was gone. My heart wouldn't accept the fact. It couldn't.

How the fuck was I supposed to tell him I'd been in love with him for a few years now?

I remember Steven and Izzy running into the bathroom, and both their faces going pale. I sobbed into Slash's wet shirt, and held him close until the paramedics came and practically tore my arms off trying to get him from me. My arms and clothes were covered in his blood.

I remember there was a note I found under my pillow that night when we got back home. It was specifically addressed to me, but I felt the need to show his mom only because it was the right thing to do. It was two pages and read:

"To My Best Friend, Duffy,

I'm so sorry that this was my final ultimatum - that this was my only vision of 'a way out'. I guess I should tell you everything now or I'll just take it to the grave with me. I love you. Not like a friend or a brother. I love you more than that and I always wanted to be with you. I don't know if you took up on it or ever even noticed, but I was completely head over heels for you, you dumb dork.

I thought about you every day and ever night. When I went to bed and when I woke with the sun. But I guess you couldn't see that. And it was killing me. I would always gather some courage in the bathroom mirror and then when I saw your face again, everything went blank. Everything that I had practiced was gone.

But Axl started catching on and by time I had figured it out, he already had my back against the wall, threatening that if I let my faggot fantasies ruin the band I'd have a lot of hell to pay for it. So I didn't. I kept my feelings bottled up and Axl put a lot of pressure on me. I'm not saying you, or him, or anyone is the reason for my death because you aren't. It's my fault. I kept so much in that I couldn't just let out so the weight would be off my shoulders.

And so, I let them get the best of me.

Axl was always a great friend, but when he got angry, he was so damn mean! I guess I have to tell you that he usually took his anger out on me. Notice how I started flinching a lot?"

My blood was boiling as I sat in the middle of my bed and read over the words.

"Anyway, Duff, I just want you to know that you'd better not fucking cry over me. I better not look down there and see you crying. Cause if you cry....I'll cry. And neither of us wants that. I know it hurts, I know you probably hate me. But please do not waste your life crying over mine.

I just wanna use this chance to tell you I love you, I love you, I love you. And tell Steven that he's still gonna be my wingman forever. Tell Iz that I'll miss his jokes and him buying me candy all the time. Tell Axl I'll miss him. Tell my parents I love them. And tell Ash that he means the fucking world to me. I don't care what you do to my guitars...actually, yes I do. Duff, I want you to have them and keep them as a memory of me. Please never forget me.

I love you. I'll see you when I see you.

Goodbye Goober.

Saul xo"

I cried like a baby. I was devastated for so long. Too long. Axl got fed up with me and he just stopped talking to me.

"What is your problem?" Axl scoffed at me. "He's dead! Just because he left a love letter, doesn't mean his death had anything to do with you. Get over yourself!"

"I'm sorry for caring or actually having a heart!" I snapped at him. "He meant a lot to us, but obviously you've got your head so far up your ass you can't even see past your own shit!"

"It's not my fault you faggots were in love and he killed himself like some sick, twisted remake of Romeo and Juliet!"

My anger hit the roof.

"Don't talk about him like that!"

"You don't like it, then you can leave!"

Steven was staring between us with tears building up in his eyes and Izzy crossed his arms as he glared at Axl.

"Fine! I quit!" I began to storm out, grabbing my bass on the way.

"Good! Cause you're fuckin' fired!!"

"I already quit asshole!!" I slammed the door behind me.

And that was the last time I saw, heard of, or talked to Axl.

Last I heard, Steven had a mental breakdown, relapsed, and went right back to smack. Izzy had a terrifying realization after doing one too may drugs that sent him crawling to his phone and calling his dad to come pick him up and take him back to Indiana to get clean.

He was gone in less than a day.

Axl eventually kicked them both out of the band, though they weren't around when he did, so it was a unanimous decision between him and his ego.

Now here I was, staring at the wall across from the sofa, 3 years later, and fucking missing him like crazy.

I stopped dating, but that never stopped interviewers from asking about my dating life and 'how I've been since Slash passed'.

"I hear you've quit the whole 'dating' thing after the death your late best friend, Slash. That true?" Howard Stern had asked.

I sighed, looking down at the table.

"After Saul died,....I really didn't know what to do with my life. I mean, he was literally only 23. I wish I was there for him. But I know he's watching over me and I know he doesn't want me to be sad, but it still fucking hurts. So it's not that I've quit dating, I just...can't cope anymore. I just miss 'im."

"Did you two...have a thing going on? I mean...you two were really close and you seem to be really fond of him." Howard joked.

The other hosts laughed, but I just looked down and shook my head. I knew it was a joke, but it was still too soon.

"Can we please talk about something else?" My voice cracked, as I looked up. They all got silent.

I hadn't realized the tears building in my eyes that I quickly wiped away.

"I'm so sorry for being so emotional, but you weren't there. You didn't see him—" I stopped myself before I could let out anymore.

There was never anything released on how Slash died and nobody ever really spoke on it after.

"It's one thing to know, but you're on the outside looking in. You only know what you've seen. I've seen it all. And it haunts me. It will haunt me til the day I die. So, please, for the love of god, let him please Rest In Peace."

They all nodded.

"We are so sorry that you had to go through that." A woman said. I couldn't remember her name.

I just nodded and the topic moved on. I didn't do an interview for another two years when I released a solo album. Now here I was, and they were still asking about him.

"How has it been trying to cope with the death of your friend? It's been three years already, right?." Rebecca, the interviewer asks.

"Umm, it's been...hard. But I'm just taking it day by day. I know he's there for me. I do miss him, but I have to keep goin'. It's what he would've wanted."

"And what are your takes on some statements Axl made in the press earlier yesterday morning?"

"Uhm, what...what statements?" My eyebrows furrowed.

She looked at me as if I had two heads. "You haven't heard?"

I shook my head.

"Axl said, and I quote: 'Apparently they were in love or somethin'. Slash slit his wrists in the tub and left a love letter for Duff and Duff held onto those papers like a toddler holds onto candy. He left the band because I just didn't like the fact that he was obsessing over the man after he died. I just never understood him. He needs to get a life.' End quote."

I just sat there, stupefied, silent, angry, sad, everything and nothing all at once.

She stared expectantly at me.

Everyone in the room stared at me, waiting for something.

"Well...," I started, and I swear I saw their eyes widen in excitement. "I was in love with Saul, but I don't appreciate the way Axl talks about him as of late. Saul was a person and he was in dire need of some kind of help and nobody was there. Everyday I wake up, I wish I could have done something to prevent his life from ending like that."

I continued. "I wouldn't want anyone's life to end that way and I'm terribly sorry if anyone took Axl's reckless comments on Saul's death to heart. If you or anyone you love is showing signs of needing any help, please help them. It's the least you could do and you could save a life. Please don't let them take away a beautiful life because nobody cared." I say.

The interviewer nodded with glazed eyes.

They were all silent for a moment. "What was your favorite thing about him?" Rebecca asked. She wasn't reading off her paper anymore and the guy behind the camera looked at me, expecting me to start yelling. But I didn't. I smiled.

"His smile. It was rare, but when you saw it, it just made you the happiest person ever."

I smiled, fondly remembering the day he laughed at one of my bad jokes and it made me ecstatic.

"Why'd the bike fall over?" I smiled giddily, watching as he took off his guitar and leaned it against the wall, shaking his curls out of his face.

"Why?" He smiled.

"It was two-tired."

The way the expectant smile stretched across my awaiting face made him double over.

"Oh, god, that was so bad!" He wiped the tears from the corner of his eyes.

I was proud as I let a few giggles slip past my lips.

"Well, that's beautiful, Mr. McKagan. I'm glad we got to speak with you today." She smiles, extending her hand. I gladly shook it and nodded.

"It's nothing." I chuckled.

But that night I went to bed with the worst chest pains ever. They kinda went away while I was sleep, but I could still feel some spikes here and there.

I ignored them, of course, instead collapsing into my pillows and slowly drifting off.

In my dream, I woke up...on a beach. The sun was setting and I was just standing in the sand. It was quiet and there was no one there. Just me and my thoughts.

"Took ya long enough, goober." I heard. My heart stopped. I turned around so fast I got whiplash.

"Saul!" My eyes widened and I felt my heart drop. He approached and smiled up at me.

"I missed you." He laid his hand on my cheek.

"Wait, you're real? How can you touch me?" I laid my hand on his.

"Duff..." He looked down for a second before looking back up at me. "Duff, you died in your sleep."

My eyes widened and I almost fell flat on my ass. He gladly caught me by my arms.

"How?"

"A heart attack. At least you were asleep. You barely felt any of it."
I just sighed, pulling him into a hug and lifting him off of the ground. "I missed you so much, Saul."

He hugged me back just as tightly. "I know. I missed you too. You know how lonely it gets here?"

I sat him back on his feet. He was still short and cute.

"Shorty." I teased.

"Hey! You aren't even here for five minutes and you're already pickin' on me!" He playfully smacked my arm.

I chuckled.

"I read your note, Saul. Every day. I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you."

"It's okay, Duffy. It wasn't your fault. You didn't know."

"I did know, but I didn't think you'd want me to help. You started avoiding me a lot for some reason."

"Axl." He says.

"Oh. I'm sorry he did that to you. I've wanted to kick his ass for years, but after I left the band I didn't want to see him anymore. He said a lot of insensitive shit about you."

"I know. I watched you every day, though. I was hoping you wouldn't die so I can see you get big and sell out everywhere. How's your band gonna go on now?"

"They can either drop the thing or replace me. I'd rather be replaced."

"Did Ax replace me?" He asked.

"Like five hours after you died." I scoffed. "Such a dick."

"Really?! Wow, he is an asshole!" Saul crosses his arms.

"Holy shit, I can't believe I'm actually talking to you right now! I thought I'd never see you alive a ever again."

"Well, you won't. Cause we're dead." He chuckled.

I shook my head, letting a smile play at the corner of my lips as I took one of his harms in my hand and ran a finger over his scars.

"Why?"

"I told you. I didn't know how to cope with so many emotions at once. I would've gone to you, but...I couldn't."

"You know you could tell me anything. We've been friends for a while now."

"Exactly. I wanted to be more than friends. I didn't know how you'd react. I'd much rather you not know than to know and hate me."

"I don't hate you, Saul. I love you. A whole fuckin' lot."

His cheeks flared as he stared up at me through his curls.

"Really?"

"I'd be a fool not to." I smiled, laying a hand on his cheek.

"Then do me a favor, Duffy."

"Anything." I replied like lightning.

He stepped closer to me and jumped to his tiptoes, pressing a soft kiss to my lips. I wasted no time reciprocating.

As quick as it began, it was over again.

"Tell me," he started. "Do you wanna go back?"

It took me a minute to actually understand what he said because I was still dazed from his kiss.

But when I did, I immediately shook my head. "No. Never. I wanna stay with you. Forever."

"But what about the people who miss you?" He stepped closer to me, smoothing blonde pieces of hair out of my face.

"What about the ones who miss you?"

"They're over my death already."

"I'm not. Please, let me stay with you. I can't go back. I'd end my own life if I had to go back after spending this time with you."

"Don't say stuff like that, Duffy." He took my face in his hands and saw there were large tears falling from my eyes and his eyes clouded.

"Look, I know you missed me and I missed you like hell too, but what if it's not your time?"

"It has to be, Slash! Please don't let me go! I don't ever wanna leave you again."

He looked away as a few tears slipped down his face. He looked back at me. "Duffy, are you sure you really want this?" He sniffled. I nodded, tugging him closer and he gladly let me sob into the space between his neck and his shoulder.

"I love you Saul."

"I love you too, Michael."

.....