Kora.
I let out another really frustrated groan. I was almost starting to cry. I was too embarrassed, and angry with myself, that I was intentionally stopping myself from breathing. At that point, I didn't think I needed to breathe, I felt like death was all I needed. I had spent the entire day staring into my phone, and comparing Jeremiah's Instagram pictures to the actual pictures of the Jeremiah I knew in my phone, and I had come to a conclusion that I was a complete fool. A very, very big fool.
My feet was getting really numb in that bucket, filled with really cold water, but I needed all that cold to not only heal my swollen ankle, but keep my eyes open enough to wrap my head around all I had just found out. The pictures were alike. Maybe a bit different because of the dreadlocks, but how could I have missed it? How could I have not known, or seen the resemblance in his eyes, and his jawline? his voice?! I should have at least known.
How on earth could he take off his dreads, and not tell me? At least if he had, I'd have seen the signs earlier. I wouldn't hate myself so much.
God, just take me now!
I raised my head to the ceiling. I was having a really hard time focusing on anything at that point.
"You're such a fool, Kora."
I hit my head on the table.
"You're such a big fool." I hit by head on the table again. At that point, I just hated myself. I hated myself so much, and that was not just it. I was sure he hated me too, especially since I hadn't exactly acted like a sane person, the few times we met. I could never bring myself to face him now. I hit my head on the table in front of me again, and then again. The door to my room opened, just as I kept my focus on hitting my head on the desk. I didn't care who it was, walking in.
"Jesus Christ." I finally raised my head to the door. It was Grace. I could see the surprise look on her face as her eyes studied the mess I had made in my room. "Kora," she threw her bag on the ground. "Nawa o. What on earth is going on here?" She kicked my bag out of her way, just so she could get to me. I could see the look of surprise on her face, as her eyes met mine. "Madam. What on earth has come over you."
"I think today is the day I'm actually going to kill myself." I told her with my head still up, facing hers. It wasn't a joke.
"Kill yourself-" she paused. "Hold on, hold on." She took another step to the desk. "I noticed you weren't in class today, does it have anything to do with why you're like this?"
"You told me to come to the south east wing. This is all your fault." Now I was making her take the blame for it. "If I hadn't gone there I would not have met him. I'd not have known."
"South east wing?" She frowned. "Kora, why would I ever ask you to come to the south east wing? That part of NAUN belongs to old money. I said North East, sapphire hall, hall fifteen."
"Huh?" I raised my voice. That had made everything worse. I wish she hadn't just told me that this was completely my fault.
"What on earth is wrong with you? You're starting to scare me."
"It's him." I blurted out. I was getting really impatient. I hated that I had to talk about it. Like really talk about it, but I knew I needed to. Besides, it was Grace. I told her almost everything. "Jeremiah."
"Uhh-" I could see how confused she was. She hadn't understood fully, what I was saying. Did I really have to go into details?
"Jeremiah." I repeated looking into her eyes, hoping she could read mine, because that was all the hints I could give. She looked at me for a while. She was taking her time, and then she squeaked.
"Jeremiah Ozor, and Online Jeremiah?"
I nodded my head. Exactly.
She gasped, and then hurried to me. She quickly sat down beside me, and then leaned close to me.
"They are the same people?"
I nodded my head again.
"Really? Like are you sure?"
I exhaled.
"I think I'm going to die of a heart attack right now." I groaned. "What am I going to do?" She looked away, like she was trying to think. "When I think of how much of a fool I've been in front of him, I feel like poking myself with a needle. I'm so confused, and so angry with myself, that I'm scared I'm going to loose it. I'm sure he hates me by now."
"Kora, if what you're saying is true, then you have to tell him." She turned back to me.
What?
Did she not hear the last part where I said he hated me?
"What?" I asked her. Suddenly forgetting to throw my usual tantrums. She fully turned to me.
"Think about it Kora." She told me. "Didn't you say you two were close? Like really close?"
"Close to an extent, yes. Text all the time, yes, but-"
"Kora, do you have any idea how this could be a sign? A good sign? Do you know what it means to be friends with a member of old money? To be friends with Jeremiah Ozor? Anyone would kill for an opportunity like that. To receive old money privileges, to eat with them, and do things they do. We could be extremely famous, and most of all, no one would ever dare to look down on us."
That wasn't what I was even- What on earth was she talking about?
"Think about it." She reached for my hands. "He's already crazy about you, when he hasn't even met you yet. What do you think would happen when he actually gets to know you? Who you really are?"
"Grace, he's engaged." Did she forget that this Jeremiah, the physical Jeremiah that wasn't just someone I texted on my phone, the Jeremiah that was real, had someone he was engaged to? "Oma?"
"An engagement he obviously doesn't want." She cut me off. "Anything can happen if he finds a replacement. When you become that replacement."
I slowly pulled my hands away from hers. Was she serious? It was hard enough for me, wrapping my head around everything that had happened. Taking advantage of it was the last thing I wanted to do. I wasn't ready for anything like that yet. A relationship? Not after what happened with Luke. Not after everything he told me.
"Is this about Luke?"
I looked at her. How could she read my mind so well?
"I thought you were over that useless bastard?"
"It isn't about Luke." I lied. "At least not entirely."
"Good. Because that boy doesn't deserve you. He doesn't deserve to live rent free in your head and heart, after all he did."
I exhaled. She had a point though. After everything Luke had said to me, I didn't want to even think about him anymore. I had to forget, I had to forget about everything. I promised myself I would.
"You have to let him go, Kora. It's time to look on the bright side, cast your net for bigger fishes. Fishes like Jeremiah. I know you like him."
I looked at her.
"I know you hate to admit it, but I see you when you think I don't. I see how happy you are when you text him, when you talk to him. It's always very hard to get you to drop your phone. You don't know it, but you're attracted to him."
I scoffed. There was no way in hell.
"Jeremiah and I are just friends." I told her. The online version of him anyway. There was a long line between the Jeremiah I knew from my phone, the perfect image I had of him in my head, and this Jeremiah I could see, the one I went to school with. They were not the same at all. It was like talking to two really different people, that looked completely alike, or one person with a personality disorder. One time hot, one time cold. "I'm not sure he even likes me like that."
"You don't know that."
"I do." I told her. "I do, because he doesn't even know me. He doesn't know what I look like. To him, he's friends with the lady on my display picture, with the lady in all the pictures I send to him. I am not that lady. I can never be that lady."
"But you share genes with that lady. Seems sensible to me. Exactly the same."
I eyed her. I needed her to be serious. I needed her to take it seriously, more seriously than she was. She could see it.
"I don't know why you keep lying to him about who you are, Kora."
Lying to him? I had to lie to him. It was the only way I could get him to keep talking to me. That was exactly how I felt. I did consider coming out to him once, but something just kept telling me not to.
"So what if you're not skinny or classy, like Oma and the rest of all those show offs? You're not bad either. You have an amazing body, and an amazing personality."
Now I knew she was just buttering me up.
"And I'm not buttering you up." She told me. I sighed. "Look at you? I low key wish I had your body. Not fat, not skinny, just right in the middle. You could rock a dress, any dress at all, and you'd look just as good and beautiful as all these size eight girls out there. You could rock anything I can't. You're beautiful, and awesomely endowed. Any man would love to kick it to the bottom with you."
I frowned. Kick it to the bottom? What did that even mean?
"I meant every man would love to be with you. Jeremiah included. You know what they say, every thick girl has a special place in heaven. I can tell you that."
Luke was the only one that made me feel okay with myself, with my body. I never really gave any attention to anyone, because I felt I was perfect, since he loved me, and now that he didn't anymore, I felt like I was the most useless, and shapeless person in the world. It felt nice having someone to remind me how perfect I was, someone that wasn't my mother. Someone to tell me I wasn't ugly or fat, and argue with me when I said I was, even though I knew I wasn't. Someone that could tell me it was okay to not be skinny, to be a size twelve or fourteen, and feel absolutely fine with it. Luke was my confidence, or at least the custodian of it, and so when he left, it felt like he had left with it.
"You can't keep lying to him, Kora." Grace continued. "One day he's going to find out, and it'd only make sense, when he finds out from you. Do you have any idea how he's going to feel, if he finds out you've been lying to him, and deceiving him about who you really are all along? That you've been cat fishing? He's never going to forgive you. It'd hurt you both. Catfishing is illegal, just in case you don't know. You could go to jail for it. It's fraud, more like yahoo yahoo, but in a local way."
I scoffed at yahoo yahoo. I wasn't trying to defraud him, or take advantage of him, or lie to him and manipulate him. At least not intentionally. I just- I didn't know. I wasn't ready to tell him just yet. Especially since I had already seen firsthand, the kind of person he was physically.
"He hates me." I told her. "I've seen the way he looks at me."
"You don't know that."
"Oh I do." I shook my head. "I know. I irritate him a great deal. He can't stand me now, what makes you think he would, when he finds out who I am? When I tell him?"
"I don't know, Kora." She told me. "We can't know, if we don't put it to test. In the end, it's going to be his choice to either accept you as it is, or not, but it's something he has to do. His choice. You should not take that away from him, you should not lie to him, and make this harder for you or him anymore. It's NAUN. Nothing stays hidden in NAUN. You're going to get caught sooner or later. You have to tell him, before you do, and let him decide what to do with that information, but enough with the lies and the deceit, It has to go Kora. Think of how you felt, when you found out Luke had been deceiving you. That's exactly how he's going to feel. Do you really want him to feel that way? To go through what you did?"
I shut my eyes for a second, and then threw my back on the bed. I honestly didn't know. I didn't know what I wanted at that point. I didn't know what to believe, or whose advise to follow. My head wanted me to not say anything, to just keep up with the flow, but my heart, and Grace wanted the same things. I was in the middle of a conflict with all my emotions. Nothing was making sense to me anymore, and then that headache. That headache that was crawling into my head was killing me.
I didn't know what to do, and I sure as hell didn't know if I wanted to find out.
Grace hissed.
"I can't believe you made all these mess, all by yourself. What on earth is wrong with you?"