The next day was even harder. Cliff's funeral took place and Rafaela was by James's side the whole side. They left Liam with her mother and together paid the last homage to their friend. She expected him to dismantle there, but James was irreducible in holding his pain inside, though tense and gripping strongly onto her hand, he didn't shed a tear, nor did he say a word. That silence was killing her.
Later, after the ceremony was over, a small group gathered at Cliff's parents. The whole band was there, his closest friends, together with the girlfriend's except for Corinne who was devastated during the funeral and unable to continue. She was taken home by a friend of her. Rafaela feared for her, for she had seen her breaking in two in front of her eyes and she knew Corinne loved Cliff very much.
While they all sat barely talking and some muffins were served, Rafaela went to the balcony to breathe some fresh air. She also had been holding her tears because she didn't want to cry in front of James, so she needed to be alone for a while, for she needed to grieve a bit.
While she sniffed and cleaned her tears, she felt a hand on her shoulders and she looked back, cleaning her tears fast, thinking it could have been James, but it was Lars.
"Hi..." She breathed with her voice still shaking a bit.
"Came here to cry alone?" Lars asked her, leaning against the rail in front of her.
"I can't cry in front of him. You know...I have to make myself strong..."
"How is he?" Lars looked as sad as everyone else and adding to that concerned with his best friend. Rafaela knew Lars loved James like a brother.
"Quiet." Was all she said.
"You have to be patient with him. I think this is getting into him hard. You know why..."
"Lars, he got home and shut down. He doesn't say a thing about it. He doesn't cry. He doesn't rage, nothing... I just wish he'd hurt, properly and not burying everything inside like he's doing."
"You have to help him Rafi. With you he'll heal, I am sure of that." Lars patted her arm. "I am worried about him."
"I think the one helping him is the baby. He's been with him all the time; every second Liam is not sleeping."
"Really?"
"Yeah..." She nodded. "Since he got home yesterday...he hasn't slept much at night."
"Give him time." Lars said.
"You're a great friend." Rafaela smiled and kissed his cheek.
"You know you can count me." He assured her.
"I know...if I need help, you're the first person I'll come to."
"Rafi..." She heard James's voice calling her name. "Can we go home now?"
"Sure." She smiled at him. James approached Lars and shook his hand goodbye and Rafaela kissed his cheek again, then holding onto her boyfriend's hand they left towards home.
"Can you bring Liam home?" He asked first thing when the gate opened. She nodded and James stopped by her mother's door.
"Don't you want to come in?" She asked him, opening the door of the car.
"No..." James shook his head. "I'm going home." With that she nodded and closed the door, not ringing the bell until she could no longer see the car.
"So, how was it?" Her mother asked giving her the stuff of the baby.
"Terrible. His girlfriend was so broken. She's this girl full of life and joy mom, and today she was just so far from that, it broke my heart. I tried to go to her, but James didn't let go of my hand, when he felt me releasing me he gripped tight."
"And him?" His mother curled an eyebrow.
"The same... silent... only through gestures I feel he wants me there. It's his way..." Rafaela sighed. "I am concerned about him."
"He'll be alright." Cynthia said patting her daughter's arm.
Minutes later, Rafaela made her way down to her house pushing the stroller. Liam blurted his sounds happily and soon some drops of water began to fell. She hurried her pace not to let the baby get wet and just in time, when she opened the door, it started pouring rain.
"Just in time." James commented walking up to her.
"Yeah... stupid weather." She left the stroller and began to put her jacket on the hanger; meanwhile, James crouched in front of Liam.
"So happy sweetie..." He baby talked and Liam shook his legs. "You want to get out of there?" James smiled under Rafaela gaze. He was so different near his son.
"I think he wants you to hold him." She said instigating James to grab Liam in his arms. She was learning how the baby put some rest in his pain. James did so, the baby blurted a happy sound and his smile opened genuinely.
"Oh... I love you so much." He said holding the baby tight against his chest, but Liam whimpered from being that squeezed, and James giggled a bit, much to her surprise.
"Daddy is squeezing you..." Rafaela pouted looking at her baby.
"He was pissed off at me." James said. "Weren't you?" With that he began to walk to their room, and she was left alone again.
She took the time to sit and draw a bit, she had some ideas to paint in her mind and she took that time to do it. That way she also was distracted, and she knew James was alright in his own way. The silence in the house was disturbed by the phone ringing.
"Rafi?" Kelly was on the other side of the line.
"Oh Kelly...I am so sorry that I haven't been there to visit you." She excused herself immediately.
"I was worried." Kelly said on the other side.
"I know... the other day Liam was too cranky, and I stayed with him at home, then something terrible happened..." Kelly interrupted her right away.
"I know..." She said. "I saw it on TV, Cliff died on a bus accident."
"Yeah... things are a bit weird right now." Rafaela confirmed.
"How's James?" Kelly asked and somehow Rafaela tensed at her question. It didn't sound right to her ears that Kelly was asking about James, still she answered.
"He's alright. He's playing the baby now." She said a bit resented.
"You have to help him. You know how much he loved Cliff." Kelly told her.
"Kelly, I think I know how to deal with him." She said not liking the route of that conversation.
"I'm sorry... I just thought..." Her friend excused herself.
"I'm sorry..." Rafaela also excused herself too, but also finding out that moment that though they were regaining that friendship, it had been bruised and James would always be a taboo subject for them, for she didn't like to talk about James to Kelly, she'd always get apprehensive, not knowing exactly what her intentions were. They talked for a bit more and then she hung up the phone.
"Who were you talking to?" James appeared to ask her.
"Kelly." She said sitting down at the table staring at her drawing.
"How is she?" James asked. Rafaela looked at him surprised.
"Since when do you care?" She asked back still processing her jealousy inside. James curled an eyebrow.
"I was just asking..." He said curling an eyebrow.
"Well, you barely talk to me since you got home yesterday and I understand, but now you want to know about her?"
"Rafi... something is not right in here..." He shook his head. "What the hell?"
"I'm sorry..." She whispered coming to her senses. "She asked about you and I didn't like it." Rafaela explained.
He sat by her side and patted her hair. "I was just asking because she's your friend, nothing else." James told her understanding.
"I don't know..." She looked at him. "I don't like it when she talks about you, it's weird. I think nothing ever will be the same..."
"I love you." He kissed the tip of her nose and then rubbed his in hers. "Only you..." James whispered closing his eyes.
"Liam is crying." Rafaela pulled back hearing her baby.
"I'll go." He said getting up.
Not happy, she followed him right after. James was smiling at Liam, lied on his stomach and she sat on the bed by his side.
"Talk to me." She told him, making his head turn to look at her and losing the smile on his lips.
"I am fine." He said firmly.
"James..." She whispered his name shaking her head.
"What do you want me to tell you? I lost one of my best friends..." His voice choked in the end. "I don't really know how I feel, all I know is that I don't want to talk about it. I just want to forget all about it. Don't know... pretend it didn't happen..." With that he turned on his back laying down on the bed. "I already miss him..." He confessed.
"I know... I am just a bit lost... I don't know what to do to help you and I want to help you."
"You help me by not being jealous of Kelly anymore." He said eyeing her.
"Are you mad at me?" She said looking down.
James turned around again and leaned on his elbow. "No... I am not mad you. It just doesn't make any sense. Rafi... I left her for you, we have a son together..." He reasoned her.
"Because you've been so quiet since you got home. You barely talk to me. It's ok... you spend as much time as you can with our son, I don't mind that at all. If he's the one healing you then I am satisfied with it, but then I tell you that I was talking to her and I feel you all talkative. It was just that..." She explained.
"I just asked how she was doing, since you've been talking to her already. What did I tell you? What have I been telling you?" He asked.
Rafaela nodded remembering his phone calls. "I thought it could be different. I don't know... I didn't think we would have this subject between us, but I can't stand when she asks about you, because I don't know if she is asking just randomly or because she still has feelings for you."
"I told you nothing would be the same baby..." James repeated again his words. "Guess it's not, is it?"
"No..." She confirmed. "I am alright if we talk about anything but when she talks about you. Sometimes I think she asks because she wants to know about you, and I don't want to share details about us with her. I don't even know if I can act like a friend with her around us, do you know what I mean? It's weird in my head when I imagine me and you and her talking."
"I don't want anything from Kelly baby, I hope you have that clear inside your head. I love you Rafi, you and only you." He sat and grabbed her jaw to turn her face to him. "I mean it."
"I'm sorry I lost my mind for a moment in there."
He kissed her lips. "It's ok."
"Now please James... please... let your heart grieve for your friend." She pleaded.
"I don't want to."
"You must." She said running a hand over his face.
His eyes watered while he stared at the wall. "I can't sink in pain, I just can't." He cleaned his eyes determined.
"There's nothing wrong with that."
"I just don't want to suffer anymore. I don't want to feel loss anymore; I think I've felt that enough..."
She pressed her lips softly against is. "I know all that..."
"So just let me be." He whispered against her lips.