Neurodiversity = Neurological Diversity = The idea that diversity in neurological pathways isn't inherently an illness or a disorder but that, like other diversities such as sexual diversity or ethnicity, it's a normal part of nature. Neurodiversity doesn't look from a medical point of view of something to 'cure' but that they are full human beings and that the best way to help them is by teaching them coping skills and helping their environment to adapt to their needs instead of forcing them to adhere to neurotypical standards.
My heart is racing as Mya holds me, her grip around me strong, but instead of feeling more overwhelmed, of her adding to it, it feels like she's pushing everything away. Like she's pushing out the overwhelm and instead fills me with calm, with this sensation of her. I don't even know how to explain it to myself, but it feels good, it feels safe. Her steady breath on my shoulder, her heartbeat against my back...
Having everyone around, even though they're nice, it was getting to be a bit too much. I was trying to decide if what I was doing was okay, if I didn't ask the wrong questions or just pulled a strange face. I was so stressed before I left the house today, that I was already running low on energy, so I need to take a little time off, to relax for just a few moments. Having Mya around isn't the same, she doesn't make me feel overwhelmed.
"I used to come here with my parents." Mya's voice is soft, soothing. "When I was little, we'd go for walks here, when the weather was good. I have many memories of this forest. Though, it's different now, not the same." She lets out a low laugh, and my heart skips a beat at how happy she sounds. "Maybe I've just grown older and the memories are simply of my childish view of the world, not the way I see things now."
I nod a little, reaching up and putting my hands over her arms, holding her there. "We didn't come here a lot. There's a forest closer to my home where we always used to go. We could walk there for hours. Just me, Dad and Mum. At least, I remember it that way." I smile, I never really thought about that, those experiences, from when I was little. "In the fall, we would go search for conkers and in the summer we'd just go on long walks."
Mya laughs again, slowly swaying side to side, and I don't know if she does it on purpose or if she just moves with me, but it's a slow and soothing swaying. "Yep, we did too. And sometimes we'd go out here in the spring to watch the new leaves and the spring flowers. It was usually really cold though."
I look around us, at the trees and the leaves and the small things that move all around us. How calming it all is. "Thank you."
"Not that I'm not happy to be thanked, but for what?" Mya stills and I feel her soft laugh against my skin.
"For inviting me, for taking me to the party, and for coming out here with me because I asked." Not everyone would be so accepting, so easily letting me pull them away from their friends, just because I'm feeling overwhelmed.
"Of course." She tightens her grip around me for a moment and then slides back, standing up, and reaches out to me, grinning. "You say the words. Honestly."
I take her hand and smile back at her. "Thanks."
"Always. Anyway, are you up for some snacking and drinks? I think they'll have the barbecue ready by now." She looks back into the forest, the way we'd come, where her friends are.
"Yes." I nod, grounding myself for a moment. "Let's go back." I'm ready for it now. I'm ready to face the others again. I'm okay. I can deal with it.
"Good." She tugs on my arm for a moment. "And if you need another break, just tell me. We'll go for another walk. Maybe even an actual walk this time." She winks and my stomach twists funnily. Is that an invitation to something more, or is she joking about not really having gone for a walk this time?
I don't know, but I think it's fine either way, I like spending time with her, alone.
***
I chop a piece off the veggie burger with my fork, putting it into my mouth and chewing on it happily. Mya was right, these are really nice, even though I don't normally eat vegetarian food, this is actually good.
Next to me, Mya is talking anime and manga with Fleur and Izzy, the titles and names going so fast that I can't keep up with them. I've heard about some of them, and I've seen episodes of a couple of the titles they talked about earlier, but by now... I've totally lost track.
Although, it's fun to hear how excited they are, how they just keep moving from one series to the next and the excited outcries when one mentions something that happened in a series and the others recognise it. I keep smiling every time it happens. It sounds so happy and so like they're almost speaking a different language. I guess that's what other people feel when I talk maths with the guys.
Then Alex plops down next to me, holding out her plate. "Sausage?" She makes suggestive eyebrow movements and we both laugh at the same time.
"Thanks." I hold out my plate and she slides one of the sausages onto my plate. "This is a pretty good party."
Alex looks around, smiling. "Yeah, it is. This is the first time I'm doing it out here. We usually have get-togethers at a restaurant or something." She shrugs. "Anyway, I'm glad you came. It's nice to see our group growing, little by little." She takes a bite of the sausage and then leans back. "Are you having fun?"
I nod, taking a bite of the veggie burger, because I don't know what else I'm supposed to do.
"Good." Alex is quiet for a while, and we both keep eating. Then she looks up at me, giving me a look. "Are you and Mya... you know, doing things?"
My face flushes and I shake my head. No, we're not doing anything, apart from talking or, apparently, going to parties.
"Do you want to?"
I don't know what to answer to that, especially since I can still hear the others chatting behind me. So I shrug.
Would I want to be involved with her? Maybe? I don't even really know what that would be like, it's not like I have experience with being in a relationship or anything.
I've been way too busy with other things to even think to worry too much about if I'm in a relationship with someone or not. I've never really had the time to consider it.
That makes Alex smile. "Don't worry too much. None of us know how to really figure that one out." She lets out a laugh. "When I met Fleur in Destruction of Elysium, she thought I was a guy. Until we met. Talking about awkward." She grins, flashing me a big smile. "And then, I didn't know if I could date someone who hadn't dated a girl before again. Had been hurt too often. In the end, it took Fleur coming over to my place to really make me realise that she really was into me." Alex shrugs, her shoulders slumping a little. "Lesbian dating can be awkward, but add in two girls who are both not that good at expressing their emotions or really read them from others... Doesn't make it much easier."
"Not good at expressing emotions?" That sounds familiar, a little too familiar maybe.
"ADHD." Alex grins. "Both of us. Makes some of our dates... interesting. Double the impulsiveness."
I nod. Right. "But you make it work?"
"Yeah. Just because we're different, doesn't mean that we can't make it work." She puts her plate to the side, leaning back on her arms, looking up at the leaves above us. "I think it sometimes makes it easier, that we're so similar, we understand each other better, even when we get frustrated. At least we can understand why the other is frustrated, even when we can't help being the source of it sometimes."
Suddenly, Fleur pops up at her other side. "What is this about getting you frustrated with me?"
"Nothing." Alex grins, giving her girlfriend a quick kiss. "Just chatting."
"Tssk." Fleur lets out a laugh. "As long as you're not telling her strange things about me. I've got some stories of my own." She steals a bite from Alex' plate.
Then Mya appears on my other side, her eyes on me. "You good?" Her voice is low and I nod.
She's so close, and I want to kiss her like Fleur kissed Alex, just to see what that would be like, to test it. I'm not sure if Mya realises it, but her eyes dart to my lips, before looking back up at my eyes, a flush on her cheeks.
"I'll get you something to drink." She stands up, her hand on my shoulder for a few moments, before she walks off.
When I look back at Alex, she raises an eyebrow as she grins and my face heats up. I've totally been caught, and then Alex laughs.
"What?" Fleur looks between the two of us. "What are you two up to? Do I even want to know?"
Alex shakes her head. "Nah, it's fine. Just something between us."
"Just as long as it's innocent, you're still mine." Fleur winks and Alex wraps her arms around her.
"Don't worry about that, Amber has someone else on her mind." Alex pulls her closer.
"Who?" Fleur turns to me and then looks over the group, finally her eyes settling on Mya, who is coming back over with two cups with drinks. "What?! Seriously? That's so cute!"
Mya looks up at the commotion, raising an eyebrow as she gives me one of the cups. "Do I even want to know?"
I shake my head, taking a sip, hiding my face until the blush is gone. I'd prefer it if she'd not find out, at least not this way... I don't need everyone to know that I like her, at least, I think I do... Maybe... Likely... Is this what 'liking someone' is like? Wanting to be with her and just feel good around her?
Alex looks at Mya. "Where is your ever-present shadow counterpart?"
"Off to the forest with Izzy." Mya grins. "They have a problem with trying to keep their hands off each other for too long." Then she sits down next to me, putting her head on my shoulder. "Not that I mind too much, I've got my own person I can steal off now."
That blushing thing? Yeah, not going anywhere. Not with her so close, or when she says such adorable things.
"Pfff." Fleur laughs. "They're gonna be like that forever, aren't they?"
Mya shrugs, her shoulder sliding against my arm, sending electricity through my body. "You didn't see them at AmAnime... They've always been like this. From the start."
Alex rolls her eyes, sighing dramatically. "I guess we'll get the full Izzy and Elliot experience at NGC in a few weeks, then."
"Probably." Mya sits up a little and takes a few sips from her drink. "When they're in cosplay... They're worse than this, but then, they usually get away with it too, because people think it's 'cute' or something. They call it 'fanservice' but it's usually just to entertain themselves."
"NGC?" I look around. "What's that?"
"Oh." Mya nods. "Netherlands Gaming Convention. It's a yearly convention, last of the year usually. It's more focused on gaming than AmAnime is, which is more about manga and anime and such. It shows off upcoming games and expansions and cool things like that. It's..." She thinks. "Two weeks from now." Then she looks at Alex. "Right?"
Alex nods. "Yep. Two weeks today."
Troy flops down between us. "Are we talking about NGC?" He looks at me. "Are you coming?"
"I... Ehh..." I shrug. "I just found out about it, really. I hadn't even thought of it." Though, going to a convention takes a lot of energy, both preparing for it and attending it and just the idea kind of scares me right now. I've not been to a big event in a long time, just too focused on my uni work and the channel that I just... I've not taken the energy for things like this.
"We can probably get you a ticket if you're interested." He shrugs, not looking particularly put off by the idea. Like this is the most normal thing in the world to offer.
"Thanks. I'll think about it." I nod, trying to keep my heart normal. Just the idea of it already scares me and now I've got these people who may even think that I'm seriously considering the idea...
How do I even tell them that I don't know if I'll attend, even when I promise to? I could just not be able to, too tired or nervous on the day itself, and then I'll flake out on them.
It wouldn't be the first time I'd lose 'friends' because I flaked outone too many times because of my anxiety about being in big groups... Or beingtoo overwhelmed before I'm even there that I simply can't do it anymore.