Ava
The doctors appointment hadn't been a massive thought until today, and I didn't like the return of a tight chest.
Milo was next to me, nuzzled by my face, and I could hear everyone else downstairs.
"Milo, I don't want to move,"
"I feel like I can't breathe,"
I took a staggered breath and he jumped to the floor, pulling my school bag over.
"I don't need my inhaler,"
"Good boy," dad said, letting himself into my room, "I think your dog is right bub,"
"I'm fine,"
"No you're not,"
He sat me up and passed me my inhaler, making me take it. It felt much better, but I hated admitting to it.
"You need to eat so we can get going ay?"
"No,"
"You'll be alright. Michael said you could stay, and take Milo,"
"I only want Luke in there when I get weighed,"
"That's okay,"
"Sorry for not being healthy,"
"One, it's not me you apologise to, it's your body. Two, you don't need to apologise in the first place because you try so hard, and we all have moments where we don't feel like things aren't possible, it's about learning how to manage them,"
"I don't want today," I trembled, clinging onto his top as I started to cry, "I don't want today,"
"It'll be okay poppet, I promise,"
"I'm so scared,"
"You know how it goes, and it's only Luke and Michael. What are you gonna wear?"
"Dad,"
"Hey, hey, hey," he soothed, "it's okay. It's okay,"
I didn't want to go today. I felt so insecure, and ugly, and stressed. Usually I'd text Julie but we had broken up, and Marcus was getting ready to go to therapy. Dad was really understanding, but I felt like I could explode.
"Stop pulling at your hair,"
"I can't go,"
"You can go, and we will tell them how you're feeling,"
"I don't know how I'm feeling,"
"Scared, and anxious- I think,"
There was a knock at the door and Lauren came in, making me hit my head on dad's chest.
"Viola said she is leaving, and can take me back,"
"That would be great,"
"You'll be okay Ava,"
I started to cry again, but I couldn't help it. I didn't want anyone to be close to me today, or talk to me apart from dad.
"Lets get some leggings on, and a loose top so you aren't too hot, then you can have some breakfast and take your medicine,"
He passed me the clothes and set out my deodorant and underwear, before leaving so I could change. The tears subsided a little, but not much.
I went downstairs and dad nodded towards the sofa, brining me a plate of toast.
"We aren't in a major rush, but we do need to get on. You'll give yourself a headache if you keep crying love,"
"I feel really annoying and ugly today,"
"You're never ugly, maybe annoying sometimes, but never ugly," he smiled, a little laugh escaping from me.
"You'll be okay,"
I ate my toast and he took my plate, so I went upstairs and brushed my teeth. I got my phone and a zip up hoodie, then went downstairs and out my shoes on.
We got into the car and I put my headphones in, my knee bouncing up and down. I wished Milo could come, but it was a hospital and I knew it could be dangerous if someone had an allergy.
"I packed you a small bag for Michael's because you forgot. You can stay home if you want,"
"No,"
"Okay, I was just letting you know, I will drop Milo off later on for you,"
"Thankyou,"
"Do you have any homework?"
"No, it starts next week,"
"Alright, we will keep on top of that. Do you want a friend over on Tuesday?"
"Amber, Sapphire and Owen,"
"I am okay with that if they can get picked up,"
I nodded and texted them, turning the phone off as we arrived at the hospital. We went inside and waited in the waiting room until Luke came out, which thankfully wasn't long after.
"Good morning,"
"It's not feeling like it," dad sighed, "very anxious today,"
"Well come and sit down, I want to talk to you like usual,"
Dad sat in the corner and was joined by Michael, while I laid down on the bed and Luke rolled his chair over.
"Tough morning?"
"I don't want this,"
"We are gonna try and get you less medicine though, ay? Get you all sorted,"
"I hate myself today,"
"Well I don't hate you, and I think you're a little worked up aren't you? It makes everything feel one hundred times worse when your stressed,"
I started crying and dad came over, gently running his fingers through my hair.
"Have you still been going to therapy?"
"Yeah, but now it's only one session again,"
"I think you'll learn to cope. It's extremely hard, but you can," dad said, kissing my head.
"And how has your period been?"
"It hurts,"
"More than you can handle?"
"I've felt worse,"
He took my hand, intertwining our fingers- he really was sorry, and trying to do the right thing.
"Well if it's really painful, you have to tell us okay? Then we can find you a solution,"
"Okay,"
"How has the first week of school been?"
"Julie broke up with me,"
He did a side eye to dad, who rubbed my back instead, and I wanted to cry again. Not over how I trusted her with my vulnerability, but pure heartbreak.
"I miss her,"
"Ava," Michael said, "if you can do this appointment, we will go home and curl under some blankets with the dogs, and talk all about how you're feeling,"
"That sounds good," dad said, "can you sit up?"
Slowly, I did, letting him sit beside me so that I could hold his hand. Luke is washed his hands and took my vitals, carefully and respectfully; sometimes I felt like he understood most.
"Can Michael listen to your chest?"
"Okay,"
"Your asthma, does it feel better or worse?"
"I don't know,"
"I'd say worse," dad decided, "things have been tense, though,"
"Your joints have been bad too?"
"No,"
"No? That's good,"
"I walk Milo, and I do a drama club, so I am moving more,"
"You're doing the right things. Deep breath,"
I did as he said until he was happy, but then he made me blow into this machine anyway.
"Hm. What I am going to do is give you a different one to take twice a day, you keep the emergency one the same. Are the muscle relaxants helping or do you not use them?"
"I forget, but I don't sleep well with them,"
"That's okay. I don't think I will prescribe them,"
"Michael will tell your dad about it all while I take your weight and height," Luke nodded, "take your shoes off,"
Dad and Michael left, and Luke had me stand up straight to take my height.
"That growth spurt is coming. You might have to wear leggings a lot for now otherwise you'll be racing through jeans,"
"I'm not as tall as Marcus,"
"Well he has had an opportunity to grow. Do you want to see your weight or not?"
"No,"
"Alright, hop on,"
I stepped on and closed my eyes, hearing a small beep then Luke's hand on my shoulder.
"Nothing to worry about. All done,"
"Don't let me see,"
"Hey, hey, come here,"
I felt him help me off the scales and I opened my eyes as he pulled me in for a hug.
And I burst into tears.
"It's okay, I promise. I am ridiculously proud of you Ava,"
"I don't...feel proud,"
"One day you will,"
"Can dad come back in?"
"You sit back down, I'll get them,"
I sat on the bed and he called them back in, dad coming back over to me, giving me a hug. Out of everyone in the entire world, he was the one person I would always gravitate to in the end.
Which used to scare me, but now it was a relief.
"So your medicine is changing a little, but you still need your vitamins. Keep eating the healthy foods and you're doing the exercise, but also be social. Do things with your friends, because it keeps us upbeat and going," Michael said, "Dad will get your medicine and we can set off,"
"I'll pick you up from Sam's tomorrow. Just text me when you want to go home okay?"
"There isn't a time?"
"If he invites you to eat tea, you can stay. If you're tired, you can text me and tell him you need to come home,"
"But that's lying,"
"Well then you tell him what you want. Have a good rest of the day ,"
"I love you,"
"I love you too poppet. Well done today," he said quietly, helping me stand and hugging me again.
"I'm okay to go with Michael,"
"Go on then,"
I linked arms with him and we went to their office so he could grab his coat. I hadn't been to Michael's as much as the others, but now I was making an effort to see him more because being with him didn't make me feel embarrassed about being anxious.
"I know some things have happened, but lessons wise, how has school been?"
"Okay,"
"What lessons do you like?"
"History, and Art. I don't like biology, and there are lots of new words in re I don't understand. I want to do business instead,"
"Well we should talk to school about business then,"
"Sam said it's good,"
"We aren't choosing it because your friend has, right?"
"No,"
"Okay, good. Do you want to stop off at starbucks and pick up a toastie for lunch?"
"Yes please,"
We got in his car and I looked in the back for a blanket, noticing he didn't have one like dad did. Instead, I grabbed his coat and laid it across me.
He let me put my headphones in, and until we got to starbucks, the car was quiet.
"Do you want to come, or stay in the car?"
"Car, please,"
"Alright, I'll be as quick as I can,"
I watched as he disappeared into the building, sinking down in my seat; I didn't want anyone to see me. He had left the keys with me, so I locked the doors and laid still for a while.
Since he couldn't get in, Michael knocked on the window and I screamed, a small smile on his face.
"You okay?" he asked, opening the door as I unlocked it.
"No,"
"Sorry," he laughed, passing me a warm bag and a smoothie.
I started eating it on the way home, but it was very hot so I had to leave it for a bit. When we got home, he took me upstairs to my room which I unpacked in while he changed. After, I took my toastie and went into his room, sitting under the covers.
"Do you want to watch a film?"
"No, talk,"
"About Julie?"
"I don't know,"
"I think it will help, love. Heartbreak isn't easy,"
"I just think, well.. she always made me happy. I told her things I was scared about, I told her about my past, and she was always there when I couldn't relax. Julie was who I wanted to be with when I felt anxious, and was always who made me happy. I miss having someone like that in my life,"
"Why did she break up with you? Perhaps you can figure things out,"
"She cheated on me,"
"Then broke up with you?"
I nodded and felt myself starting to cry again, his arms wrapping round me.
"I don't know if I miss her, or the love and attention,"
"I think it's her, bub, but she shouldn't have done that to you. It doesn't get easier quickly, but one day you'll think back and wonder when the hurting stopped,"