I stood infront of his casket. Staring at his paled face. He looked so peaceful, like he did every time he slept. His hair was neatly styled and dressed impeccably in a black suit.
I wanted to throw myself in there with him. I wanted to slap him across his perfect face, yell at him to wake up. I wanted him to tell me that this was all a sick joke. I wanted to curse him for leaving me, for leaving us. I wanted to not feel this pain, this consuming guilt.
My interior screaming bloody murder as my insides were set on fire with a burning pain, but my exterior only shedding silent tears. Sophia was watching me, I couldn't lose control infront of her.
"I'll miss you until we meet again, cariño."
I pressed a kiss to my index and middle fingers and laid them against Giovanni's cold lips.
I turned around to a couple dozen mourning faces blurred in a sea of black fabric as I went to take my seat in between Niklaus and Aiden. Sophia sat snuggled up in Matteo's lap.
We sat in silence as a priest began the ceremony. I just stared at the casket, not registering a word he said. Once he was done, I saw Matteo rise, handing Sophia over to Victoria and walking infront of Giovanni's body, turning his attention to the crowd. He cleared his throat before beginning.
"When Giovanni's parents passed away 12 years ago, he was a broken man. He always felt more than the average person and he took their death hard. Victoria and I watched as his world crumbled around him, getting consumed by the drugs he swore made his pain go away, helplessly. I waited by the phone every night for the call that'd tell me he had finally put too much crap in his veins." Matteo clenched his jaw as he remembered the unpleasant era. "That call came 2 years after his parent's death. It was a turning point for Giovanni as he slowly transformed into the man I'm so proud to call my son."
He had to stop to choke back a sob.
"Giovanni's soul was never corrupted by the mafia's lifestyle. He wasn't arrogant or trigger happy, he wasn't a man whore or a selfish friend, he wasn't power hungry or manipulative. He treated everyone with respect, leading by example. His loyalty to his family, his friends, his mafia was unwavering. He was a good man... Better than I ever was."
Matteo turned to the casket and pressed his forehead to Giovanni's. "Thank you for letting me be a father to you, I love you, son."
He straightened his back, fixing his suit jacket before returning to his seat. Victoria rubbed his back for a moment, whispering encouraging words in his ear, before passing Sophia back to him and rising to make her speech.
"I wish I was anywhere but here, doing anything but this." Her lips quivering as she tried not to cry. "I've always thought that it'd be my sons speaking at my funeral, never did I imagine having to speak at my son's funeral. They were supposed to bury me, not the other way around. I was supposed to go first."
We watched as Victoria slowly lost control of her composure as tears formed two streams, trailing down her cheeks.
"Giovanni still had so much left to do, the pieces finally falling together for him. He was so happy." She looked me in my eyes as she spoke, causing my sight to blur through the tear welling in my eyes.
"I can't do this." I whispered.
I couldn't listen to her tell everyone how happy he was, how happy we made him, how much he loved me and that I was the love of his life. Not when the love of my life was the man sitting to my right, her other son.
Our situation is complicated, we've been over this multiple times. I loved Niklaus before I even cared to admit it. When you already love someone, loving someone else is a choice. I chose to open my heart and see the beauty in Giovanni, despite my feelings for Niklaus. I chose to love him, but Niklaus has always been undoubtedly the love of my life.
Now I feel like the shittiest person as Victoria reminds me of how much Giovanni really loved me.
Standing up and walking away from the ceremony. I walked down a couple rows of gravestones and hide behind a mausoleum. I press my back against it, sinking to the grass.
My mind wonders off to all the good moments I spent with Giovanni. Remembering all the love and support he gave me and Sophia. Remembering all the times he went above and beyond to make us smile, to make us laugh. Remembering the way his pupils dilated, shining bright, every time he looked at me like he was high off ecstasy.
Sometimes, the happy memories hurt the most.
I feel a body slump next to mine and turn my teary eyes to Aiden. He gives me a weak smile and I turn my gaze back to the tombstone infront of me.
"I feel so guilty." I muttered, unable to contain the sob that followed.
He wrapped his arm around my shoulder and I lean into him.
I gasp as I felt the dam my mind built to protect me by holding back all my grief, all my pain, shatter. My head begins to flood with immense emotions, my eyes attempting to drain them, tears pouring from my eyes. But it doesn't help, my mind remains tortured with guilt. The tsunami of emotions engulfed me and it physically hurt. Like someone ripped my heart out and was repeatedly stabbing it. It was hard to breath. My body shook against Aiden as he pulled me in tighter, wrapping his other arm around me. A heartwrenching scream from the bottom depths of my core escaping my lips. I crumbled into a sobbing mess in his arms.
"It hurts. It hurts so bad, Aiden. I just want it to stop."
I heard Aiden throw his head back against the mausoleum, cursing under his breath. I looked up at his face to see the tears silently falling from his closed eyes. His lips quivering as they held in a sob.
We sat there in silence for I don't know how long.
Rain drops started to fall against my skin. I looked up to the grey hues swirling in the sky, as the drizzle turned into down pour.
Niklaus' voice screaming my name was faintly heard over the rumbling of the rain. Aiden yelled back, not wanting to break the embrace, as if it was the only thing holding me together.
Strong arms pulled me up, bridal style, walking through the maze of gravestones.
"I've got you, amore. I've got you." He whispered into my ear.
"I need to say goodbye." I choked out.
"I know."
He set me down in front of a now closed casket. I stared at it, placing my hand over it. Letting the rain hide my tears.
"This is goodbye for now, cariño... I never met someone who was always just there for me. You let me feel what it is to be loved unconditionally... You deserved better." I felt anger rising through me as I remembered Miguel's actions.
He's the reason Giovanni now laid in that casket. He's the reason the world was now missing a good man. He's the reason I couldn't sleep or eat. He's the reason my body flinched every time I felt a man's touch unexpectedly.
I knew what I had to do to feel better, to take some of this suffering, some of this guilt.
"I will make him suffer for this. I promise, I will make them all suffer." My voice fierce with an overwhelming need to have blood on my hands. His blood.
"It's time to fight, puttana." Aiden's hand resting on my shoulder.
Anger triumphing over grief as I nod my head.
It's time to go home.
We were all sitting in the kitchen at Victoria and Matteo's house. Sophia was already asleep in our room with Otis.
"Are you sure you're both okay with Sophia staying here for a few days while I go talk to my parents?" I asked for what seemed to be the 10th time.
"Of course, go do what you have to do, honey." Victoria reassured me, once again.
"It's time my father stepped down. I'm going to take over as head of the cartel. Miguel declared war and war is what he's going to get."
"You have us as allies. He killed my son and he won't go unpunished for it. Niklaus will declare war once we know what we're going to do." Matteo chimed in, rage replacing the pain from earlier today.
"Once I spend a few days with my people, getting their confidence and support, I'll come back to devise a plan. I need you to talk to your allies and see who'll stand by us. I don't want a single fucker from the Mexican cartel breathing when we're done." I spat the last part through a clenched jaw.
Everyone nodded in agreement.
"I want Aiden to come with me as a liaison between the Colombian cartel and Italian mafia."
Aiden has been my life jacket, keeping me from drowning in the black waters threatening to take me under. He has been a true blessing for me these last couple of weeks. I want to return the favor by moving him up the ranks of the mafia. He was just a driver when I first met him and now he'll be a liaison for two powerful organizations. He deserves it.
Niklaus contemplated it for a minute before muttering "Fine."
I could see the excitement in Aiden's eyes, and I couldn't help but lightly chuckle.
"Have a jet ready for us tomorrow morning. We'll leave after breakfast so I can say goodbye to Sophia." I finished.
"Anything else, my queen?" Niklaus said sarcastically, rolling his eyes.
I shuttered at the name he chose to call me. Miguel had called me the translated version of queen while we were captive.
"We have to have permission from the cartel to land or they're going to shoot you down." Matteo's voice pulling me out of my daze.
"I'll handle it."
I walked out of the kitchen, and quickly turned the corner. My hand flew to my chest, in attempt to slow my racing heart. How can a pet name affect me so much? I squeeze my eyes shut, taking deep breaths.
After a few minutes, I felt my body start to calm down. I took one last deep breath and headed toward our room to make a phone call I had been dreading for years.
I sat at the edge of the bed, my hands clammy and my foot tapping the ground frantically.
You can do this, Cattleya.
I dialed my mother's number, hoping she hadn't changed it. The phone started ringing and it seemed infinite. Every ring seemed minutes apart instead of seconds. I held my breath waiting for her voice.
"Bueno?"
I felt tears rushing to my eyes as my mother's voice sang out through the phone.
"Mamá." I choked out.
"Cattleya? Is that really you?" Confusion and uncertainty laced her words, almost like she didn't trust her own ears, like she couldn't remember what my voice sounded like. The thought caused my chest to tighten.
"Mamá, I'm ready to come home."
"Oh, baby girl! I thought I'd never see you again. I thought... I thought Miguel had... I'm just so happy to hear your voice." Relief now sounding in her shaky voice.
Guilt crept through my body.
My parents had spent the last 6 years not knowing if I was alive or dead. I can't even begin to imagine the torment I put them through, what they felt never knowing for sure what happened. There was no peace for the parents of the missing. They could never stop searching, they could never lose hope.
"I know, mamá, I know."
"Where are you?" She asked curiously.
I paused, not knowing how she'd react to my answer.
"Italy."
I heard her gasp before she spoke.
"Italy? Are you in trouble?" Concern in her voice.
"It's a long story, I'll tell you tomorrow."
There was no way any of what I had to say to her could be spoken over the phone like a casual conversation.
"Tomorrow? Oh, honey, I'm so excited! Your father will be over the moo-" Her voice suddenly cut out mid word, like someone had just snatched her voice. "Cattleya, I'm so sorry. Luca, he... I can't even say it."
I sighed heavily understanding exactly how she felt. "It's okay, mamá, I already know. I'm sorry I wasn't there to protect him."
"Don't be stupid, Cattleya, his death is not on you, do you hear me?" Her tone serious.
A weight lefted off my shoulders.
They don't blame me.
"Yes." I whispered.
"What time will you be landing?"
"What time is it over there?"
"Almost 5 in the afternoon."
I glanced at my phone, it was almost 11. I quickly did some calculations before responding.
"We're 6 hours ahead of you, we're leaving around 10 in the morning and it's a 10 hour flight. So around 2 in the afternoon for you."
"We'll see you then, baby girl. I love you."
"I'll see you soon, mamá. I love you, too."
I hung up the phone with a smile on my face. I pulled out the pills Niklaus had gotten me from Dr. Rossi to help me sleep and took one, swallowing it down with some water on my nightstand. I got into bed with Sophia, snuggling up next to her.
I'm finally going home.