Dear Future Husband...
This week has been going so much better. I listened to so much BTS and watched so many videos the insides of my ears have been raw for a week from my headphones.
I really wish I could talk to you, but it's good that I can't. I would be way too clingy right now.
I need to learn how to deal with myself first.
There are things that I shouldn't try to let go though. Like BTS. I don't know what you'll think of them. And Taylor Swift. It makes me seem really fangirly, doesn't it?
I wish I could explain what they mean to me though. It's like, they have something I want. Being who they are is part of my goals. These people represent a little bit of who I am. That's why they are important.
Just like my theater is important. You know one thing I'm really looking forward to? It's kinda embarrassing, but I want to remember.
I'm looking forward to our first kiss.
I've been practicing in my room. Isn't that weird? But it's super hard to keep all my...feelings... inside myself. I have a lot of problems, you know?
Even lately I've been thinking about my appearance again. I keep thinking - honestly- that you won't like my body.
Please don't be mad at my insecurities.
My stomach sticks out, and has rolls in it. And my chin is too big. And my hair is always oily and staticfull.
Last night I tried a Korean face mask thingy for the first time. It actually wasn't that bad and I loved how I felt afterwards.
I didn't eat pizza for supper tonight either. I had the main course meal. It felt really good.
Why do I keep doing this to myself? The worst part is I can't promise to always support you. I'm really selfish and I'm afraid I'll only want you to take care of me.
Why am I like this? I need constant validation and am not even worth the trouble I cause.
All I'm asking is that you be gentle with me. I'm afraid I'll hurt you, or break myself.
Well I'm basically asleep now so I should go. I love you, and I'm sorry it's taking me so long to become what you need.
I think that's why I need to wait.
I love you still