Lia
Waiting for Colton is agonizingly nerve-wracking. Why did I agree to this? Only God knows. Maybe I was thinking about creating at least one good memory with my bully. Or maybe I was curious as to why he has come back. Or maybe I just couldn't say no to him.
Funny how, even after high school, Colton makes me nervous and weak. I can't even look into his eyes properly without feeling overwhelmed and frustrated. I don't know how tonight's going to go. I had such a fun time with Sebastian—I'm not even going to think about that kiss.
My god that kiss.
If I had a diary, the pages would be filled with every single emotion that that kiss made me feel.
Kissing Sebastian, kissing Xavier, both of the kisses were so different. Like a difference between black and white. Xavier's kiss was like a big fuck you from cupid, Sebastian's kiss was like a hug from the goddess of love, Aphrodite. Both so beautiful, both spirited, and both made my heart take a leap to Olympus.
Nothing will happen with Colton tonight. We're just going to have dinner, a casual conversation, I'll mildly kill him for bullying me and I'll comfortably say see ya later, maybe never. I want to see what he has to say about all those moments of causing me pain. The fact that a guy went all out of his way to hurt a girl is really pathetic.
I want to know why.
Why all the words? The name-calling. The abuse, emotionally. The mock-laughs. Why he made other guys stay away from me?
Colton appears in a white Range Rover like the rich kid he is. Stepping out, displaying his wealth and good looks like some kind of high-end commercial. Ruffling his hair just adds the cherry on top.
"Hey, Lia." He smiles, it's kind.
I keep a subtle straight face.
"Hey."
Colton's eyes drink in my appearance, appreciation blinking like a siren.
"You look good."
I really don't know who to be around him. We never got close in high school. He was my tormentor, I was his victim. He made fun of me, he hurt me, I was fearful of him. I hated him.
I hate him.
For the sake of being a polite human that my mom raised me as, I smile back. Once we get inside his car and he drives off, I try to collect my emotions and thoughts together so that I know where tonight is going. I've had such a great day with Sebastian that I don't want tonight to go shit.
"It really means a lot to me for you to come tonight, Lia." Colton drawls coolly with his hand on the wheel, the other on the gear shift.
Colton's grape and cedarwood scent raise goosebumps on my skin, sending a shiver down my spine. I keep my eyes out the window because everything about Colton intimidates me. From his eyes to his words, to his scent.
"I just wanna have a good time with you." Colton's voice sounds content. I turn to him and catch him looking at me, completely under a spell.
I wish we met under a different circumstance. I would have loved to get to know a guy like Colton, a rich, handsome boy who sought violence as his entertainment. I wonder if all that tough-guy attitude is just a façade. But it would still not explain why he bullied me.
I'm going to tear him open page by page, demanding why he bullied me.
And I don't want that because I liked you bullshit.
"Nature Berry?" My eyes wash over the white front glowing in the night light.
Colton parks his car.
"Yeah," he sends me a sheepish smile, "I hope it's okay."
I just look at him. A little frustrated, a hell of a lot baffled.
I climb out and gather my breathing. Why he is making me so nervous yet craving at the same time, only God knows.
"I don't really know you," Colton sounds scary nervous, so out of character, as he looks at me in anticipation, "So I wasn't sure what you like."
With a small smile, I avoid his icy eyes.
"Nature Berry is good."
Colton sighs in relief and I find it a little adorable how worked up he was over what I'd like.
Stepping inside, the familiar scent of sweet coffee and unhealthy—heavenly—food races into my nose. This place is like home. If I'm not feeling too good, whether if its health or emotions, I always come here. My girls and I love this place.
Harlow, the waitress with fiery red hair, takes our orders with a cheerful smile. I get a cherry ice cream cake milkshake. Colton gets a double chocolate mocha latte. Settling into the brown chairs, I lose myself in my milkshake.
I can feel Colton's eyes on me and my body is shaking with heat.
"I saw this place when I was heading to tryouts yesterday," Colton causally converses, completely in his vibe of a cool jock, "It looked pretty cool, I thought you'd like it."
Genuinely touched by his thoughtfulness, I smile.
I know he's making an effort of making things right, so I don't want to make him feel like I'm not cooperating with an open heart and mind.
"Nature Berry is where Nolee, Blair, and I hang out most of the time," I look around, taking in the soothing energy of the place, "Pretty much everyone does from Lake Bellevue."
The place is perfect for chilling out and eating your feelings away. It's also great for socialization. It's where Blair and Nolee met Zack and Hudson during freshman year. They told me how the two boys went all out in flirting, spurting cringeworthy pickup lines and unnecessary winking.
Bless their hearts, those two had no idea what was waiting for them.
"Ah, that's cool, we never found this place back in high school. That kinda sucked," Colton grumbles, pouting, "It was always crashing over someone's place or down by Lake Bellevue Pier."
"Yeah."
There are a few moments of silence between us. I'm focusing on his intentions, him very much looking out of character. Colton is nervous.
"Are you gonna be coming to the away game?"
Away game? Colton recognizes my confusion with a boyish smile.
"We're against Applegate University," Colton leans back casually, "It's two hours away and we're staying over for two nights."
Two nights?
"Nolee hasn't mentioned anything, so I don't know about this," I shrug, taking a sip of my milkshake, "But, it sounds fun."
It really does. Blair and I always go to football games to support Nolee so there's no doubt we're going to be going this time too. It must be so cool for Nolee, to be performing in front of a different crowd and cheering for your team. I've always loved the spirit of the football and cheerleading teams. I rarely went to football games in high school, mainly because I wanted to avoid Colton and his crowd but when I did, I loved the energy.
Those were the only times I admired Colton when he was playing his passion. Whenever I watched Colton play, it was like I was looking at a completely different version of him. Football Colton seemed so much more passionate, kind, and charming—bully Colton couldn't compare.
"It's gonna be my first big game for Lake Bellevue," Colton grins boyishly, "Watch me break curfew."
Seeing his grin has me feeling flustered. Colton always broke the rules. Some things never change.
"You haven't changed, Colton." My voice is soft but distant.
Colton picks up on that and stares yearningly.
"For you, I'm willing to."
My chest tightens.
"What does that mean, Colton?"
I want him to be honest with me. I feel so frustrated and angry that I don't know how to handle those emotions. I want to cry but I'm not wasting my tears for a boy who bullied me.
"Why are you back? Why did you bully me? And I don't want to hear the reason because you like me. That's pathetic."
That reason is hard to fathom. It makes no sense.
"That is my reason, Lia."
"I wish you bullied me because you hated me, that would have been better than hearing you say you like me," I'm annoyed, "I would hate you less."
I would hate him less if his reason was that he hates me. But liking me? That's unbelievable. No one hurts someone that bad just because they like them.
"That can never happen," Colton's features harden with exasperation, "You're gonna hate me for the rest of your life, even so. I hurt you, Lia. I bullied you."
He shouldn't be acting as though bullying me pained him. Bullying me made him happy.
"You did." I blink, holding back the tears.
"And for what?" Colton scoffs, anger striking through his beautiful features, "For some laughs with irrelevant people who were just bad influences. For my own pleasure for hurting a girl. I feel pathetic even thinking about it."
"You should."
Our milkshakes are completely forgotten amidst our confrontation of confessions.
"I bullied you, Lia," Colton's icy eyes squirm in remorse, "I'm sorry."
Sorry?
This boy must be really lost thinking that an apology can fix all my bad memories and hurt he helped create. I almost feel sorry for him. He bullied me for his own satisfaction, for whatever reason he wants to make me believe, he bullied me whilst he lost himself.
Colton became someone else when he decided to change my life for the worst. He was the popular, attractive jock that had everything, wealth, fame, girls, friends, talent yet he craved more sinister goals.
Making a girl's life hell. A girl he allegedly liked all along. How dumb does that sound? My mind is blown.
"An apology isn't going to change everything." I don't even look at him. I can't. I don't want him pitying me because that's what it feels like. Not heart-based feelings but actual sympathy for his torment.
"No, but my heart will," Colton tilts his head, eyes swimming over mine in hope, "I'm going to be good for you. Good enough that you'll forgive me."
For a moment, I'm lost in his beautiful blue eyes. The promises, the lies, the hope they show me. Colton has beautiful eyes that break hearts.
"Why for me?" I'm feeling so awful, my chest is tightening uneasily every second I think about our past together, "I thought you bullied me because you hated me. I didn't once think that you liked me because that is not how you treat someone you have feelings for. It doesn't make sense for you to come back and change for good for me, the girl you bullied."
I hope he can sense my utter frustration. I want him to feel the sadness I'm feeling. I want him to feel what I felt when he hurt me.
"I never hated you," Colton snaps confidently, eyes darkening in sincerity, "Never once during all those times, did I hate you."
I want to believe him.
But I can't.
The Weeknd's Hurt hums around Nature Berry, perfectly creating the mood for my sulking heart.
"Why did you hurt me?" I look him in the eyes.
"I liked you, still do." Colton smoothly remains nonchalant.
"Stop, Colton. Just stop," I close my eyes, too overwhelmed with gloomy emotions, "Don't tell me you've liked me all along after you've created the worst memories in my life."
I want to cry. I hate remembering our past.
Colton leans forward, eyes fixated on me, they're tender and guilty.
"I want you to see that I'm not the same person I was in high school."
With a wounded, cold glare, I stare him down.
"Nothing will ever change the hurt you brought into my heart, Colton."
"I know, Lia," Colton bites his lip, guilt chewing him alive, "Help me erase that, please."
"Colton, you'll always be my bully," my voice is faint and crystal clear, "No matter what happens between us, I will never stop hating you."
Colton breathes sparsely.
"You hurt me to the point I nearly..."
Oh god.
I close my eyes when I see images of my best friends and brother rushing into my bathroom, frantically chasing to bring me back to life. Their shattered hearts crying helplessly for my better.
My heart breaks, tears blurring my sight.
Colton's eyes widen in the realization of my words. All color drains out of his face, luscious lips parting in awakening.
"What?"
I blink and specks of tears flow. Colton reaches for me but I flinch away.
"I slipped into the darkest moment of my life. Because of you."
He looks devastated.
"Lia, I—"
"If you liked me, why didn't you just talk to me or at least treat me kindly?"
It's stupid of me to ask but I want to know. I want to have hope.
"Because I was a coward," Colton's words are earnest, too harsh, "I was too absorbed in my popularity. All the parties, the girls, the games, everything was just a laugh to me. I knew if I confessed my feelings for you and everyone found out, they'd hate you just because I like you and they'd judge me for liking you. I cared too much about that mindless crowd. I didn't want my popularity to fade."
The girls that hung around him always gave me the dirtiest looks. The guys around him always saw me with unholy thoughts. Colton saw me as a game.
"I started realizing my feelings for you after I found my football team messing with you," Colton frowns, pupils dilating in rage, "Realizing that those idiots were gonna touch you for fun, got me so damn angry, I wanted to fuck up their lives."
Colton told his football team players to touch me, to hurt me. The fear I felt when I was locked in that locker room and those three boys eyeing me up like I was food, was a fear from a nightmare. I felt disgusting knowing what they wanted to do to me.
All because of Colton.
If it weren't for Colton storming into that locker room and dragging me away, I would have been...
"But you told them to touch me."
Colton looks away in loathing for himself.
"I hate myself for it."
"How do you think I felt? When all those eyes stared at me like I was," I bite my lip, my breathing becoming erratic, "Some sacred book they could open without consent."
He would have no clue how I felt.
"I'll make it right," Colton reaches to grab my hand in his, "I promise Lia."
There are promises in his eyes but I don't want to believe them. Not only do his eyes make my heart race, but his touch is also burning my insides. It's dangerous to get close to him. All the pain inside me will liquify if he ever melts my heart. I'm scared to get submerged in Colton Valmont. I'm afraid of him drowning me in him.
Feeling too overwhelmed with emotions and memories. I slide out of the booth.
Staring at Colton, whose face is written in confusion and guilt, I take a breath.
"I need to go."
I walk out of the diner. I need to be away from him. I need some time to comprehend all that happened tonight, his words, his stares. Even though it's completely beyond belief, I need to understand his reason.
But after remembering all those memories, my heart is shaking with absolute pain. Anxiousness slowly creeps into my heart and I'm so swamped, I end up crying. Standing under the night sky, I let out my tears I held back so desperately.
Lost in my sadness, little by little I faze out as the sounds of footsteps approaching me takes over my attention.
Through my wounded tears, I see Xavier standing in front of me, gray eyes completely immersed in me.