Author's note: I apologize for the huge delay. My health has been so poor for the last few months that I've had absolutely zero energy, even when I was pumping out chapter after chapter. I decided after my last chapter post a week ago to take some much needed time off from writing and work both to get some rest.
All I did all week was sleep, and sleep, an eat, and sleep, and watch a few movies.
But mostly I slept.
I feel sort of good today so I wrote this chapter on and off and I'm slowly getting back into my buzzing humming crazy-writer mode. I hope you enjoy this chapter and upcoming chapters. Sidenote, the story might just need a bit more room and I DO NOT intend to start a new book just to continue where I left off on here.
Most of all, hope you guys enjoy?
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Chapter One Hundred and Eighty Two
I figured our first Christmas together would have been specifically memorable, but reality had a weird habit of defying my expectations. The day came and went in a blur so fast that it felt like only a few action-packed minutes of holiday-everything wrapped into a little ball.
Everyone spent the entire day together, watching films and baking and playing video games and talking and hugging and kissing and dancing and singing--so many activities all in one, enough to make my head spin. I'd been hugged too many times to count, had been urged by everyone to participate in the merriment and fun, and I'd done so eagerly.
My very first Holiday with family and friends... and now it was over.
Nearly everyone was either sleeping or relaxing, doing their own things. Woody and Tiff had retired for the night, Feng-Feng and Rak had fallen asleep together in the sitting room, and Sebastian had left me alone in the kitchen to go for a run, of all things, with Chi.
Outside.
I stared out the windows, watching the light snowfall as I rested my chin on my folded arms. The kitchen was dark but I could see fairly well even with such minuscule lighting. I'd received no explanation as to why Sebastian had left. I'd asked, fervently, not wanting him to go... but he'd been adamant, telling me to stay put and just wait patiently for him to come back.
The silence was a little unbearable. My legs hurt, my head hurt, and I was admittedly a little drunk since I'd been chugging some alcohol during the day. I didn't want to think about being alone, about my first holiday in this house being over already.
I pulled the sleeves of my sweater down around my hands as I felt the cold radiate through the windows some. I hadn't batted so much as an eyelash at the snowfall when it had started, being from Michigan and all, but everyone else had made a big deal since it supposedly almost never snowed in North Carolina. Not like I really cared... I had all the winter clothes I needed and Bash.
He could be my new electric blanket, with him around I didn't need a heater or clothes.
Always ignore the clothes when Sebastian is around, I thought fondly, smiling at the window where flakes of chilly white continued falling. I yawned as the exhaustion of the day began to catch up with me now that I had a break from all the excitement. I could use some blood.
I slowly and carefully stood, stretching my body as I gave a faint glare at my phone, before trudging over to the fridge. The cold yellow light spilled into the darkness all around as I opened it, bending down and peering around for some of the bottled blood he'd left for me.
I smiled at the stainless steel silver and pulled it out, fingers curling around the cold metal thermos. Another yawn snuck its way through my throat, prying my jaw open. I made an audible protest, annoyed that I was so tired. I closed the fridge and puttered around the drawers looking for one of the curly synth-plastic straws I'd seen Ralph using earlier.
I'd been mildly amazed to discover that they had such things but hey, these people were capable of anything at this point. I was more surprised that it had surprised me at all. I found one pretty quickly and ran the water a little before placing the dusty, disused straw under it, humming 'It's Beginning to Look A Lot Like Christmas' as I shifted from foot to foot.
My legs ached and felt too tight whenever I stood up, as if there was too much blood below my thighs building up and getting ready to burst like an overfull balloon. I flipped the faucet off, placing the straw in the thermos, and I leaned against the counter, taking a long pull of blood.
Chilled liquid delight flooded my mouth, sparkling and delicious and sweet and spicy.
I closed my eyes as I swallowed.
Drinking chilled blood was a much different experience than drinking scalding hot blood, and yet both were grotesquely delicious in their own way for me. Sort of like comparing chocolate milk and hot cocoa with marshmallows... one was chilled delight, the other a warmed promise.
I stopped sipping after a second, settling back against the counter, smiling dazedly.
The song I'd been working on came bubbling up and my humming shifted in tune.
"Polaroids hanging by fairy lights... warm the cold... frosted gold..." I hummed, closing my eyes and smiling as I pictured the room of beautifully lit photographs upstairs, "even if you know its holding me back... train tracks... don't go back..."
I trailed off, still humming, taking another sip and basking in the taste of his lifeblood. I shivered as a chill went through me and my voice died as I looked up to see a pair of brilliant amber eyes looking right at me. I blinked. So did Sebastian.
"Hi," I greeted, giving him a tired smile. "Welcome back. How was your run?"
"Enlightening and invigorating," he said in a soft, almost breathless tone, facial features tight with something I couldn't name; his face revealed absolutely nothing but I could have sworn he looked excited. I took another sip, staring at him with a lazy, sleepy smile.
"Did you have fun?" I asked after I swallowed, and a small smile tugged at his lips. "When did you get back?"
"Early enough to hear you singing," he purred, closing the gap between us.
"I wasn't singing," I sheepishly retorted. "I was humming."
Of course, he was having none of it and planted his hands down on the counter on either side of me, bending forward and forcing my spine to arch. His legs pinned my own and his groin dug into my front as he ground it against me, jeans dragging against my body before he hunched down to catch my mouth with his lips. I braced myself on the counter as my skin tingled.
I lost myself for a time, focused only on our closeness, on kissing him back. He gently touched my cheek, running his thumb along my jawline. I pushed myself into him, forgetting about the blood, placing my hand over his heart. Much to my disappointment it was him who leaned back first. I let out an audible sigh of disapproval, receiving a small kiss on my forehead in response.
"You were singing," Sebastian drawled, wiggling his bushy black eyebrows at me. "What song was it? You've been humming it for weeks now. I find myself curious."
"A secret song I'm in the middle of writing," I told him, making my eyes go wide with a mystified expression. "Its a very special one, but you're not supposed to have heard any of it just yet!"
I swayed and waved my hands, wiggling my fingers, which made him snort. He flicked my forehead in response, not even bothering to grace my retort with words.
No surprise there, I thought, but aloud I asked, "so, what did you talk about with Chi?"
His face slackened and then his mood seemed to darken into something unhappy and sad. I stiffened upon noticing the pain behind his eyes and stared at him attentively, watching, wondering what could have possibly put that look on his face. He tried to smooth it over.
"A great deal of things," he cryptically replied, cupping my face with both hands. "You'll find out soon enough. It's a secret Christmas present."
I stared at him, saw that hurting twinge behind his eyes, and shook my head.
"What happened?" I asked, setting my hand on his sternum. "Talk to me."
"A lot happened, but... the sourness of my present mood has... nothing involved with you," he said in a very careful tone, but his face twitched and his whole body sagged, head hanging. "It has to do with me. In the process of planning your present, I made a discovery that... hurt me."
I studied his posture, narrowing my eyes slightly.
There was far more to it than he was letting on.
"Talk," I said seriously, and he flinched. "What good am I as your husband if you can't open up to me when things are unpleasant?"
He gave me a sideways look.
"I'm not someone who gets a happy ending, Aerin," he finally confessed, and I felt as if a weight began to lift off of my chest. "I feel it in my bones, and it frightens me. I can... I..."
"What are you trying to say?" I asked, setting my hands on his hips. "Talk to me, Baby."
"I'm happy because of you," he quietly informed me, staring at me. "You know that, right?"
"I do," I agreed, nodding. "I'm happy because of you, too."
"You are?" he asked, staring at me with unblinking eyes. "Are you sure?"
"Yes," I reassured him, making a face. "Baby, are you okay?"
He took a deep breath and let it out again, face contorting. "I can't. At least, not yet."
"Is this because we're celebrating Christmas?" I asked, and then I began to think about everything happening; about how much Sebastian was changing his life to accommodate me. He's been alone for years, just like me, and now he's trying to be a part of something.
He looked away, refusing to look at me. "It isn't. I have enjoyed myself immensely."
"Sebby, please just tell me what's wrong," I almost begged.
"Everything has been perfect... happy," he growled, uttering the word 'happy' with a tone of resentment, as if he hated and feared its very existence.
"Don't you think you deserve to be happy, Babe? Don't you think I do?" I asked, staring at him in actual surprise. "Haven't we been through enough that we deserve to be happy together?"
I added the last word in hopes he would understand my determination to make us work.
"Of course you do," Sebastian replied, aggravated about something. "We're just... different."
I blinked a few times, and then a wash of something unpleasant prickled through me.
"What are you trying to say?" I demanded. "What the hell brought this on?"
"I'm a killer, Aerin," he said quietly, guilt and grief lacing his features. "Your uncle had a very good point earlier. I've taken... so many lives. Ended so many people in my time on this world. I never gave myself any time to stop and think, I always kept moving forward, trying to survive... but surviving isn't the same as living. Right now, what we're doing? What we're planning? I... I feel as if I don't deserve it. I've done so many terrible things to get where I'm at, and though I know you would hate to hear me say it, I am not below doing terrible things to stay there."
"Such as," I said slowly.
"Killing others to protect us," he said in a tight voice, and I closed my eyes. "I am a murderer--"
"I've heard enough," I said softly, and he went silent. "Frankly? The past is in the past. There are other ways to go about doing things. Killing people who threaten us is taking the easy way, Babe, and I've learned that the path harder to walk is more often the most rewarding."
"What?" he scoffed. "What do you mean?"
"Our relationship is living proof that if you try your hardest to get through to people, sincerely, sometimes you'll yield amazing results," I told him, smiling without looking. "I understand that you've done things. I also understand your reasons for doing them. In this sort of lifestyle, we might not have a choice in the end, but as long as you do your best to find an alternative for... for killing... and try to negotiate humanely from here on out... do what you have to."
"Really?" he asked, disbelieving, and I finally opened my eyes.
"Yep," I chimed, then patted his hips with a smirk and said, "which means you talk to me about those things, too, to keep me in the loop."
"Aerin," he spoke my name in warning.
"Nope," I chirped, beaming at him. "I am not going to shut up because you think it's none of my business. What happened in your past is in your past, and the choices you made don't dictate how you need to behave in the here and now. Speaking of which, I know you're very scared something is going to happen to me, but what about you? Don't you know I get scared shitless about you, too? That one day Jasper might come barging in and it might be the last time I ever see you the way that you are right now?"
"Beloved," he said, shocked, staring at me.
"I've been half broken with anxiety ever since Jasper fucked with you," I said seriously, "so don't you dare tell me that we're different, especially when it comes to our worries. Loss is something you risk when you fall in love with someone. And I am in love with you, okay?"
Sebastian remained silent, processing my words, and then he finally turned to look at me.
"I'm sorry," he rasped, clutching at my shirt as his face screwed up. "I just... I can't lose you. The thought of losing you... terrifies me. I feel as if I am inadequate for you. Tobias was correct. I have survived full-blown wars and hundreds of people trying to kill me, and yet... I couldn't protect you. I failed you, over and over and over and over again. Can you be happy with me? Would you even feel proud to introduce me to your family members if you had the opportunity?"
I immediately wrapped my arms around him, resting my cheek against his chest and crushing my ear against his heart. I closed my eyes, listening to his shockingly fast pulse, like a terrified rabbit running for its life. It was strange, how open he was being with me.
I loved it.
"You're never going to lose me," I stated with confidence. "I'm always going to be yours. No matter what happens, you have me. All of me. Okay?"
I slowly nuzzled his chest in an attempt to get closer to him. I wanted to lose myself in him, never to emerge again. I grinned from ear to ear when I felt it, the deep breath in, expanding his chest, followed by that deep, rumbling--
"Okay."
I pulled back and looked up at him, sleepy and lulled, but his unease and hurt was still there. My smile faded as he looked down at me, amber irises flitting back and forth.
"What's wrong?" I asked, and he flinched yet again.
"Can we... talk?" he asked, hesitant. "About the future? Our future?"
"Yeah," I said carefully, nodding. "Of course. We're getting married in only a week, so yeah, talking about what'll come after that for us feels only natural."
"Well, I was talking with... Chi," he said carefully, as if trying to figure out how to bring the subject up; his expression twisted with pained amusement and his lips curled slowly.
"And?" I prompted, waiting. "Go on."
"I'll be blunt. I... want you... to top me again," he finally said, and I blinked at him in surprise, "but at the same time, I am worried that doing so will trigger another rut."
Oh. "So... is that it?"
"No, many... other things," he burbled, looking a bit flustered. "To be honest, I'm still working through what our reality will look like a few weeks from today let alone years down the road."
"Where are you even going with this?" I laughed, raising my brows, and he frowned.
"Our life together, Aerin," he said seriously. "I want to give you a new home, build a new life together, and someday, with you, I want kids. I have been reliving those nights of my heat in my head over and over again, thinking over your words and how you distracted me from my suffering... and I want children, with you, but not for a very long... long time."
I stayed silent since I still very much struggled with the idea of abnormal pregnancy existing, and what it truly meant about Sebastian's very male body. It was a big adjustment in my thinking.
"Okay." My mouth ticked up. "So what is it?"
"What is what?"
"Your big, existential question." I smiled, my eyes on his face, at the thing he was hiding behind his features. "The one that's still got you worried for some weird reason. I know you're beating around the bush, I know you don't want to say it, but you need to get it out there."
For a second, his eyes flared yellow, but then they washed over with a sheen of wetness. I was a little startled by the way his face broke, but he looked me dead in the eyes with a half-broken heart and quietly whispered, "if you had other options... would you choose to leave me?"
I almost fell over. I gripped the counter to keep me steady at the question.
"What?!" I choked out. "How could you even think--"
"Woody," he croaked, looking at me with those sad and disquieting kicked puppy eyes. "While you were unconscious in the hospital those first few days, he told me... told me to my face that I am irresponsible, that I am... not worthy of you and that you would eventually see it if I didn't get my act together. He said that if I keep... acting a fool, you would leave me someday."
Woody had gone off and signed all that? Really?
"He was... probably just angry," I said, shaking my head. "It wasn't your fault. Yeah, we had a rocky beginning, but I'll never leave this pack. And I'll certainly never leave you."
"But Jasper also--"
Rage suddenly washed over my sight and I reached up, snatching the collar of his shirt and jerking him down. He jumped and seemed shocked by the force I'd used on him, but once we were eye to eye, I glared through a haze of red and narrowed my eyes at him.
"Never, ever compare me to that snake," I said in a serious tone, then lunged forward and kissed him, roughly, fisting my hands in his hair and parting his shocked lips with my tongue. He shivered slightly once the wrath coursing through me faded, but I finally pulled back and looked at him through lowered lashes. "He was a fucking idiot for giving you up--a sick, psychopathic bastard who never, not even for a second, deserved you. His loss--you're mine for good."
He stared at me, still reeling. "Do you mean that?"
"Damn right I do," I said, and then I kissed him again, letting my rage voluntarily rise up so I could force him into spinning around. I pinned him against the counter, watching through a haze of pulsing red as he gripped it for support, and then I hauled myself up using his shoulders, putting my knees on the counter so I was partially sitting on his lap.
I kissed him harshly, gently nipping at his lips and even going so far as to French kiss him.
He seemed surprised but into it, even going so far as cupping my butt for support.
"You're acting unusually aggressive," he said in a wondering tone. "What brought this on?"
"You, and how much I love you," I murmured, leaning down and tracing his neck with my tongue and a flurry of gentle kisses. Breathed in his scent, nosing his skin. "You're so damn frustrating sometimes. I get that you're worried. I am, too. For the time being, though, let's just stop giving a fuck about us and all the things that might go wrong because, either way, we're in this together."
"If I could meet your parents, and your sister," he said quietly, and rather unexpectedly, "would you be ashamed to introduce me to them? Or would you be proud? Be honest. Don't spare my feelings and tell me the truth from the bottom of your heart. Would you?"
I thought about it, letting the haze fade, drinking in his scent as I focused on my breathing. I pulled back after a moment and looked at him, bringing our noses together. His eyes were glowing brilliantly in the gloom, flaring up and then dying down like live embers on a coal, enchanting and otherworldly and... so sad and nervous. He really meant it, didn't he?
"No," I said honestly, shaking my head. "I'd be proud to show you to them."
Confusion prickled his brow. "Why? Our beginning would hardly be suitable for such a thing."
"Because its obvious how much you love me," I told him with a frown. "Babe, we had a horrible start, and yeah, maybe people would be scratching their heads... but where we are now is a completely different place. We're a good fit. I can honestly tell you that I'd kill to have the opportunity to show you off to my family, if I could. I'd love for them to be at our wedding."
His eyes searched my own for the longest time, and I could only wonder what he was thinking.
"What will you do forty years from now when your nephew is old and his children even older?" he suddenly asked me, and I froze, staring at him with stunned eyes. "How will you handle it if tragedy takes them? If they pass away?"
"Babe--"
"It happens all the time to normal people," Sebastian pointed out, making my heart ache at the very thought. "What will you do when they pass away? It's a part of natural life."
"Not mine." I shook my head. "I fought so hard to get them on good terms with me. I fought to protect their lives because I want them to live. You know that. I want my family to be able to stay with me. To me, family... family is the most important thing."
"It will have to be their choice," he said, seeming to consider that truth. "It's not your choice to make for them. You left the human world behind to come into mine. Most werewolves have to go through that kind of transition. It's just part of our life cycle. You're no different."
"I want them to want to choose either becoming a werewolf or a vampire someday," I said softly, thinking, "or maybe some other creature that will give them the ability to stick around."
I took a breath and held it, focusing on his familiar scent. I willed my mind not to think about things so far down the road, trying not to relive unnecessary memories of pain and sorrow, of my sister's hand going limp in my own...
No, I told myself, stay in the moment.
"Fine," I said softly, kissing him. "Baby, we're going to get these thoughts and feelings out of you. It's late, we've both been up all day, and I say its time we retire to that bed of ours for the night."
"Hn?" he asked, raising a curious eyebrow. "Is that so?"
"Yep," I murmured, smiling mischievously; I reached down and gripped the front of his jeans, eliciting a startled grunt. "I'm going to show you just how much I love you by cherishing and worshiping every... last... inch... of your gorgeous body. How's that sound, eh?"
His eyes darkened and took on a somewhat relieved appearance. He kissed me, hard, regaining his fierceness and animalistic spark. I felt his fangs against my lips, felt the roughness of his fingers as as he palmed my rear, grinding against me as we made out with each other.
Snow danced behind us in the dark as he carried me out of the kitchen.
I wondered, in an offhanded moment, if the red faery had ridden over our home... but my mind was swept away by the stairs leading to our bedroom, and furthermore swept away by the hall. Soon, we were stripping, and then I was lying in his bed with him on top of me.
Our wedding was in less than a week.
Six short days... and yet, for whatever reason, it couldn't have felt longer to me.
As Jak had both once said... whenever I was with Sebastian, every second became a minute, every minute an hour, every hour a day, and every day a year. I fell asleep thinking of everything Sebastian had done for me. All the hope he'd given me. Our first Christmas.
The origins of Santa. Hell, no one had ever told me stories before. Not like that. No one had even really sought comfort from me, talking not to persuade or to plead, but to just express. Express to me, so I'd find a common ground through a shared story.
He'd seen something in me no one else ever had.
He'd sought comfort from me even though his very nature was a persona of unfettered strength. How quickly he'd forgiven me when I messed up. How quickly he'd wanted, instead, to connect.
He'd wanted to share a taste of life and love with me.
He'd wanted me to know everything about him, even if that something was as small as a legend he cherished.
He sought comfort in connecting with me and had shared himself with me.
Just me.
Only me.
I fell asleep thinking of that.
I fell asleep listening to his heartbeat and my own, lost in an afterglow of romantic sexual bliss.
I fell asleep looking at the burning star-like eyes that held so many stories of pain, love, and life.
I fell asleep in the arms of the man I loved.