"Suit up, kiddo," Tony, your father, poked his head in your doorway. "We're leaving in an hour."
"Where?"
"On the outskirts of Berlin."
"What?"
"You heard me, we're going to Germany. Meet us by the hangar bay and you'll get your weapons onboard."
"Got it," you replied, and went into the bathroom to change.
You zipped up your Inferno suit: which was black like Natasha's but had flare of it's own, the red, orange, and yellow accent streeaks curling around your collar and sleeves making it look as if it was actually on fire, before tying your hair up into a high ponytail and lacing up your boots.
Everyone was beginning to board the Quinjet when you arrived at the hangar bay, Peter swinging in right behind you and boarding right after you got on.
"Cap?" you turned to Steve as you strapped on your seatbelt, still unknowing of the full details of the mission. "What exactly is going on?"
"Well," Steve tapped his screen and swiped right a few times before getting to the page he needed, "HYDRA has a base in Germany and they're trying to take control of the city, and once they succeed in that, they'll demolish the entire city along with all it's people. We got a call from the German government to come in and take them down."
"Oh..." you nodded, sliding your guns into your holster. "But what about that last time in Berlin, with the Sokovia Accords and everything?"
"Apparently, they really need us and deem HYDRA big enough of a threat to forgive us and call us over to help," the Captain shrugged. "That part, I'm not completely sure about."
The Quinjet shot up into the air past the clouds, speeding through the sky at what would seem like an alarming rate from the outside. It went over 8 times faster than a typical plane, but gave a much smoother ride, although it might be nauseating to a few if you looked out the window while it was in motion.
You nervously drummed your fingers on your knee and silently prayed that you weren't going to be too late to the scene, not wanting to feel responsible for so many deaths because the weight would be much to heavy for you to bear. The last time you'd gone on a mission, it was barely two weeks ago and you'd made it just a second before the chaos hit: if you were any later, then it most likely would've been too late.
Just thinking that you wouldn't be able to save anyone in time terrified you: but you didn't dare tell any of the team about your fear because you assumed that they'd gone through much worse.
For the majority of the flight, you paced around the back of the jet and stared at your screen which tracked the jet's movements and recorded its activity, or simply sat in your seat and stared out the window at the clouds zooming past.
...
The sounds of explosions, gunshots, and screams met your ears as soon as you landed. Steve started barking orders, his voice flowing through into your comms, informing everyone as to who was teamed up with who and their assigned tasks.
You were to be with Clint and Natasha and fight off the guards, while Tony, Steve, Bucky, and Sam were to focus on taking down the HYDRA base, and the others had to create a diversion and evacuate the civilians.
"Kid, you alright?" Clint asked, watching your finger temble as it hovered over the trigger of your sniper.
"Mhm," you muttered, before pulling the trigger and hitting one of the HYDRA guards straight in the chest. The guard stumbled backwards before falling and slumping to the ground.
"Y/N!" Natasha shouted, nodding behind you, and you whipped around to narrowly miss a bullet to the head, ducking down before it could burrow into your skin.
"Thanks," you shouted, and she shot you a thumbs up before throwing another punch at another soldier.
You abruptly turned around to shoot at a soldier about to shoot at you, holding up a hand, a ball of fire swirling around and hitting him in the center of his abdomen.
As you whipped back to throw a fireball at another HYDRA guard, you felt a white-hot pain in your shoulder, looking down to see that you'd been grazed by a bullet.
Fire blazed in your eyes as you drew a ring of embers around yourself before going rapid-fire with your sniper, filling every one of the soldiers with bullets before letting the flames flicker out, stepping forward to catch up with Clint and Natasha who were going to help the others inside the base.
"Dad! Come in," you shouted breathlessly into your comm, your footsteps echoing across the walls. "Status update?"
"We're all in. You on your way?" Tony responded. "We could use some backup now."
"I'm coming, I'm right around the corner. I just took the last of the guards down, so there shouldn't be any more of them heading your way."
Your shoulder was throbbing and it felt as if someone was stabbing your arm, but you decided to ignore the sharp pains it gave you, instead, you focused on sprinting down the hall to meet up with the others who were trying to retrieve the data on the computers and take the systems down.
"Y/N, where were you?" Steve exclaimed.
"Killing people," you grinned casually, before shooting one last guard that was about to sneak up behind him. "Oh---and you're welcome."
"How much time do we have until this place blows up?" Bucky yelled over the noise as he Sparta kicked an officer across the room and shot him in the side.
"Shit!" you hissed. "Two minutes and fifteen seconds."
"Fuck," you heard him mutter before hopping on Pietro's back and zooming out of the building to see if there were still people who needed to be evacuated.
"This place is gonna blow, guys!" Peter warned, coughing and swatting away at the smoke. "We need to get out of here! We only have under a minute now!"
You looked over to him, panic and fear flooding your stomach. "Peter---"
"Hold on," he ordered. You held onto him tightly and wrapped your arms around his waist as he swung the two of you out of the building, the others not far behind.
Everyone had barely made it out in time for the explosion to go off and to see the building go up in flames that seemed to roar as loud as lions, eating away at everything it came in contact with.
Bucky and Pietro were still trying to evacuate the rest of the citizens, so you all joined in to find the ones who could be lost and making sure that the families didn't get separated from one another.
You felt something tug at your jacket so you looked down, to see a little boy with tears in his eyes.
"I'm lost," he said in his little voice. "I can't find my daddy or my mommy."
Your hard, cold expression immediately softened upon hearing him speak and you scooped him up into his arms. "We'll help you find them, okay? Just stay calm," you explained in your soothing voice, wiping the tears from his face. "Can you do that for me?"
He nodded once, and you called Pietro over to get the child and bring him back to his parents.
"Thank you," the little boy called as Pietro carried him off.
You couldn't help but think that your heart felt a little bit more filled up at that.
"Y/N," Peter asked as he was evacuating the last of the people, "Mr. Stark says we need to head towards the center of the city. That's where the Quinjet is hovering over, and that's also where Bruce and Wanda went off to."
"Mhm," you nodded, and you jumped into his arms again, less afraid of the heights he was swinging around at this time.
War is when you see countless others fall, while you yourself stand, being unable to help them up. War is when you are forced to leave people behind; it is when you are forced to look away and no matter how much you want to help, no matter how much you wanted to save them, sometimes, you just weren't given any options.
War meant death. You were aware from the beginning when you stepped into your very first battle that you wouldn't come out unscathed, that there was no such thing as a war without damage. But you didn't know the impacts that it could leave on your body as well as your mind.
When the battle was over, the smell of death lingered in the air, reminding everyone of what had just happened moments before. It was the aftermath that really affected you, and you hated that there was nothing you could do about it. It was the smell of the dead bodies, the blood, that made your head spin, bile threatening to rise up out of your throat at the horrific sight. It was when you arrived at the center square, seeing those dead bodies spread across the ground, lifeless and unmoving, that terrified you.
It was seeing the corpse of a little girl, held in her dead mother's arms.
It was seeing the blood smeared across the walls.
It was seeing the ones who survived mourning the loss of their loved ones, their cries of agony echoing across the city.
...
You saved hundreds of thousands of people, but couldn't help but think back to seeing the loss of civilians that you just couldn't stop, no matter how hard you tried.
It didn't matter to you at the moment that the Avengers were being hailed as heroes. All you cared about was the fact that people had lost their lives out there. Innocent people who didn't deserve to die, innocent people whose lives were cut much shorter than necessary.
You stumbled off the Quinjet without a word, immediately slumping onto the couch and curling up with the blankets, your heart still heavy upon seeing all the loss.
"Hey...where'd she go?" Tony asked.
"She just took off as soon as we landed," Steve responded, scratching his head in confusion. "Hey, Peter, can you help look for her?"
"Yes, Cap," and they set off to find you.
...
It didn't take long---you were just curled up on the couch, your body shaking with sobs and tears streaming down your face. You felt terrible for those who had lost their lives---unable to bring yourself to believe that on that same day, you'd saved hundreds of thousands of people. Yet the weight was heavy on your shoulders, and you were stuck---unknowing of what to do.
You suddenly felt a pair of strong arms wrap around you, and looked up slightly to see Peter, sitting down next to you and pulling you into a tight embrace.
"Pete," you sniffed, sitting up once they let go, "don't worry about me. I'm okay."
"Y/N...." Peter said in his soothing voice, "what happened?"
His heart broke just a little more when he saw the little droplets of water perched on your eyelashes, threatening to fall.
"I don't know," you swallowed hard, "I just feel responsible for all those people who died out there, and maybe if I was a minute or two earlier, then maybe they wouldn't be dead..."
"Y/N," Peter ordered, tilting your chin up so you were forced to look into his eyes, "look at me. It's not your fault. And do you know how many people are praising you for what you did out there? Do you know how many families will be eternally grateful for you reuniting them again? You can't help the inevitable. You tried your best, and that's what matters the most."
His expression softened again and he wiped a tear from your face with his thumb, "I'm so proud of you," he whispered, "you did amazing out there. You saved so many people today."
Then, you felt another pair of arms wrap around you as you rested your head on his chest, and another, and another, until the entire team had pulled you into one big group bear hug.
"Sweetheart," Tony spoke, "don't feel bad. You did good out there, and you really helped us in kicking HYDRA's ass."
Clint chuckled at that, and Steve lightly smacked him on the arm. "Language."
They let go of you after a few moments, and you gave them a small smile in response, wiping your red eyes.
"I look terrible," you snorted, causing everyone to burst into laughter.
"You look fine," Peter reassured you, pulling you to him and placing a gently kiss on your forehead. "You did great, okay? I love you. Don't forget that."
You closed your eyes and smiled again, leaning into him. "I love you too."
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA OH MY GOD YESSS!!" Sam, Bucky, Wanda, and Clint squealed. "FINALLY!"
"Pay up, Cap," Tony rolled his eyes at Steve. "Twenty bucks."
"And you owe me forty. Double bet,"
The two grumbling men handed each other folded bills and watched the two of you cuddle together.