*Bell POV*
Kim Namjoon...
I’m gonna kill him.
I’m gonna murder him.
I’m gonna rip him apart and feed his mangled, bloody, body parts to a pack of wild dogs.
I’m gonna buy a plane and…..and tie him up in it and crash it into his parent’s house….
But I.…..I can’t.
My knees gave out and I collapsed onto the ground. I held onto the desk and felt my heart burning with pain, anger and grief like never before.
“It’s my fault, Hyungwon…” I looked up at him helplessly as I started breathing erratically. He shifted worriedly and his face moved in sadness as he shook his head.
“Namjoon was trying to get revenge…..for what I did to him.” I placed my hands on the ground as my body shook with sobs.
“Bell this is not your fault. Namjoon is a crazy, out of control monster. You have no part in what he d-“
“YES I DID!!!!” I screamed so loud my head throbbed with pain.
“I hurt his mother years ago, I was the reason he was kicked out of university. If I had just controlled MYSELF than my parents would still be alive!!!!” I sat back into the floor as I full on started sobbing my heart out. I couldn’t hold it back anymore.
I killed my parents. I’m the reason they’re dead. And the reason that Jiyeon and Jimin are now orphans again…
“I can’t...I can’t take it.” I started inching back till I hit the wall. I just wanted to disappear. I wanted to reverse everything I had done. I wanted to go back to before I started all this and kill myself then so everyone I love could live happily.
“Stupid, stupid, STUPID!!!!” I started banging my head against the wall, trying to find a way to stop the burning pain in my heart.
“Bell stop it!” Hyungwon ran forward and grabbed my face with his hands, stopping me from hurting myself more.
“That’s just it, Hyungwon-ah….I can't stop it. I’ll never stopping fucking peoples lives up. When will it end? When Jiyeon and Jimin are lying dead in a car that I crashed?!?!” I pushed him away and started hitting my head with my fists. I couldn’t see clearly, I couldn’t breathe. I could barely make out Hyungwon talking fastly to someone on the phone but I kept going.
I couldn’t handle this all at once. It was overloading my heart...the anger, the regret…..I wanted to just end it all.
“Bell stop this!!” Hyungwon grabbed my hands tightly in front of me holding them away from my head as he knelt over me protectively but the fact that I’ve even caused him to be hurt before made me break into pieces. Since he was holding my shaking hands I resumed smashing my head back into the wall. Feeling a numbness spreading over me.
I didn’t know much of what was happening from that point. I felt such viscous panic tearing through my heart and all I knew was that I was hitting something solid and people were desperately trying to hold me away. I didn't know even I had started scratching them as I screamed
“Bell...stop it...please.”
I froze when I heard Yoongi’s soft, caring voice right beside my ear. I felt his strong arms swoop me up as he held me to him like a child.
“You’re hurting me.” He said quietly into my ear and I felt him shaking. I opened my eyes and my breath caught in my throat.
It was Yoongi’s beautiful, flawless...perfect face. He had teary eyes and a scratched chin with a small trail of blood running down it.
“I’m sorry...Oh God, I’m so sorry.” I lifted my trembling hand and started wiping the blood away.
“Listen to me, baby. I heard the tape….and I’m sorry. But if we can get an analyst to sign off that the voice belongs to Namjoon….he’ll have incriminated himself.” Yoongi caressed my face delicately and stared into my eyes lovingly.
“No. There’s no ‘we.’ You can’t do anything against him. I can’t do anything against him….” I diverted my gaze to somewhere in the room. I needed to tell Yoongi everything or else he might get more hurt by not knowing.
“Why? Don’t you believe in me, Bell? Don’t you trust me?” Yoongi’s voice came out in low, unsure tones. It hurt me knowing I was the one to make him feel like that.
“I do trust you but…..Namjoon…..has dirt on me. He’s been threatening me with it.” I looked down, experiencing a wave of guilt as I slowly let go of Yoongi.
“What dirt? I don’t understand.” The sound of Yoongi’s voice…..breaking and unsteady...It felt like knives stabbing my chest and it was all I could hear with the pain shooting through my head. I had to say it. There’s no going back. And there’s certainly no moving forward.
“I…..I had sex….w...with Namjoon and uh...J….Jungkook.” I felt my breath run out and my chest tighten when Yoongi’s eyes flickered in pain and disappointment.
My heart started to crumble when he silently started to release his grip on me. I watched as his face contorted with anger and rage.
“I need a minute.” That was all he said quietly as he stood up and walked out of the office into the elevator. He didn’t look back at me when he got in….he just stayed turned away from me.
There goes a man I’ll never have the luck of being with again.
My hands dropped on the floor and I breathed out heavily. I was so conflicted. It felt good having that weight off my chest but now the pain of accepting the fact that Yoongi was out of my life creeped in and it hurt more.
“That’s some heavy shit.” I whipped my head to the sudden voice and my eyes widened when I saw Hoseok sitting on the floor, leaning against the desk. Covered in about forty scratches.
“Hoseok? What are you doing here?” I sat up straighter and eyed his cuts and marks. I can’t believe I had an anxiety attack that bad.
“So you cheated on Yoongi huh? Was he not good enough for you? Maybe he didn’t satisfy you sexually which is honestly bullshit because Yoongi never leaves something unfinished. So what gives? You just got bored of him?” He folded his arms and stared at me with an angry but also sad expression.
I didn’t know what to say. How do I answer that. I know they’re close and being in this situation right now was making my brain cloudy with turmoil.
“Yoongi...is the most amazing man I’ve ever met in my life. I would never cheat on him with a clear head……” I brought my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around them, feeling cold and lonely.
“A clear mind huh? What, you need to be a little tipsy to get up on another dick without guilt?” His cold, blank words hit hard and I dropped my head in shame.
Yeah, I could’ve fought harder. I could’ve kicked or punched Namjoon. I could’ve screamed. But I didn’t and I don’t fucking even know why…..I like Yoongi so much, why couldn’t that be enough to keep my head on straight.
“We’re not all as good as you, Hoseok. I’m sorry for hurting Yoongi. I know it hurts you too so just please know I didn’t want to do it. But I fucked up and now I’m paying the price. You don’t need to try so hard to make me feel bad when I already could happily kill myself okay?” I stood up and grabbed my bag with shaky hands. I felt so tired and mentally drained, I could barely walk in a straight line but somehow made it into the elevator. I knew I should’ve just gone home and slept but I needed something else. I needed alcohol and I needed it right fucking now.
“Bell…..I really thought you were the one for Yoongi. The things he did for you, the shit he went through. I could’ve sworn it would’ve been enough for you to keep your legs closed to other men. But you know what they say, once a hoe always a hoe.” Hoseok shook his head and looked down, his usual happy and beaming face now showing the utmost disappointment and coldness. the elevator closed and I stood there in silence. Feeling the world just crushing in on me
He's right.
That's all I'll ever be.