Dear Zayn:
March 13, 2014 2:01 am
Harry doesn't know I got the postage to send things. If he did, he'd probably tell Liam, and then Liam would lecture me on how trying to reach the man who broke my heart isn't the best remedy for the slow painful death I'm going through. But I wanted to talk to you, so I stole some from the front desk, along with some pens. Congratulations, you've made a thief out of me.
March 13, 2014, 2:24 am
I didn't write to tell you what happened to me, because frankly, you don't deserve to know. Plus, you've probably seen it already in the papers, and I'm too drunk and sad to talk about Him.
March 13, 2014, 2:40
I relapsed again, last night. Nobody knew I was an alcoholic, so this girl who thinks she sees her dead dog gave me some. Her name is Betsy, and she's 23. The dog is dead, so I don't know his age but his name is Bonzo. Remember Our dog? God, it would be nice to have him back. They let her have all the booze she wants, because when she's drunk, she doesn't disturb the other patients. She just sorta lies there. But me, I'm an everything drunk. Sometimes I'm a cryer, lucky you, you got to see that drunk. I'm a partier, but I haven't partied in a long time and I'm pretty sure my limbo skills are weak now. I'm a wallow in pain drinker too, and that's what I'm doing right now. Wallowing.
March 13, 2014, 3:00 am
Zayn, it's 3 in the morning and this drink tastes like you.
March 13, 2014, 3:26 am
I want to know why you did it. I want to know why you left me. Was it a super elaborate trick this entire time? Are the rest of the boys going to leave me as well? (I wouldn't doubt it, I knew that these guys were too good to be true.) Did you get sick of me? I think it's that. No, I know it was that.
March 13, 2014, 4:00 am
My lungs are filled with alcohol, and my thoughts are filled with you and I can't do a single thing to stop this.
March 13, 2014 4:15 am
At least in my nightmares I have you.
March 13, 2014, 4:20 am
God I hate myself. I hate you too.
March 13, 2014, 4:30 am
When He was beating me, He told me something. He said "no one will ever love you, because you are worthless". I told him no, I have you, and you protect me from all this bad, and then he started hitting harder. He kept on saying worthless. That's what I am now, worthless. I can't walk without help, I forget things sometimes, so I'm no help there. Sometimes I black out and there are people talking to me. It's what I am now. Too weak to do good, too drunk to let alone. I'm Worthless.
March 13, 2014, 4:55 am
I shouldn't have done this. I shouldn't have drank. I had been clean for 4 months. Now it's gone. All that work. Whoosh. All that time and now it's gone. Down the drain, like our love.
March 13, 2014, 5:00 I wish you were here sometimes. Niall told me yesterday how they've noticed how my right hand is always curled, like I'm holding someone's hand. I replied no, and then he pointed to my hand, which was curled to fit perfectly into your hand.
March 13, 2014, 5 am
It's 5 in the morning here and my entire everything is screaming out in pain. I am in pain.
March 13, 2014, 5:15 am I hope you get this. I hope you realize how nasty your little trick on me ended up. I want you to see my bones, I want you to see my hairless head and the bruise He left there, his last mark on me. I hope when you read this, it pains you. I hope you cry and that your tears fall onto this paper and mix with mine. I hope you feel guilt when I die here alone, because damnit, I'm so alone without you. I hope you hurt.
March 14, 2014, 9:00 am
I hope you come back.
Love,
Hope
--
Whoa! Double update? Wow.