Excuse any mistakes or grammatical errors.
Jayla
"Jayla I'm saying this as your best friend that cares more about your well being than possibly hurting your feelings. With that being said, you are a dumb ass. Like a huge dumb ass. I expected this from Aniya, but not you. You're supposed to be the reasonable one in the relationship."
I was already hesitant about telling Dani about the whole Parker situation and I now I know I shouldn't have told her. Well, not yet.
"How am I dumb? Polyamory isn't the worst thing in the world." I rolled my eyes and Dani rolled her eyes too.
"This isn't about Polyamory. This is about stupidity. You, have a threesome with Parker once and now all of sudden you want to be in a relationship with her? She and Aniya literally just met. But they like each other? This is all happening a little fast don't you think?" Dani asked.
"We're not together, so no. We simply expressed how we felt. We're gonna take it slow. I honestly shouldn't have even told you. My bad for thinking I could talk to my best friend about my love life."
"You can talk to me about anything, but I'm not gonna kiss your ass. I'm gonna tell you exactly how I feel about it and if you don't like that then don't tell me shit else. The fuck? You want me to lie to you? You're my best friend, so I'm gonna be real with you no matter what and I expect you to do the same. Like I said, this shit is stupid, but do you." Dani shrugged.
I didn't really expect this reaction from her. I guess I'm so used to her being goofy and inappropriate that all I expected from her was threesome jokes.
"So you don't think this could work? Like not ever?" I asked trying to be more opened to Dani's take on things instead of getting offended. Granted she did call me a dumb ass, but still.
"That's not what I'm saying. I just feel like it takes time for feelings to develop. Had you come to me and admitted to having feelings for Parker alone, I would have reacted differently because you two have a friendship. You've spent time together and gotten to know each other. And I'm not gonna act like I haven't sensed that there were some sort of feelings between you two, but Parker and Aniya?" Dani said shaking her head.
"I know for a fact the only time they met in person prior to the little meeting you guys had was the threesome. How could they possibly have feelings this quickly? I'd be worried if I were you. Like damn, did you introduce Niya to her soulmate or some shit? Same with Parker. Judging by what you've told me, they developed feelings for each other the same day they met. That shit is not normal and I know you know it. That's fairytale bullshit."
I took Dani's words in and I couldn't even argue. She was right. This was my issue in the beginning. Before I knew about Parker's feelings, Aniya's feelings for Parker bothered me because she literally just met her. And now that I know the feelings are mutual, it's rubbing me the wrong way. But can I really be upset with Aniya when I like Parker too? This is too much.
"You're stressing me out." I said burying my face in my hands and Dani chuckled.
"Because you know I'm right. But look, you can let Parker and Aniya have each other and Nadia and I will date you. Problem solved." Dani said doing the normal Dani thing and making a joke.
"This isn't funny." I groaned.
"I wasn't kidding. You've dated Nadia and you've dated my twin, so you've basically dated me too. The only change would be that I'm the twin with the better head game. So you're really upgrading because I look better too."
"Dani, I'm serious. You can't stress me out and then make jokes. What do I do? Do you think that this will eventually lead to Aniya and Parker choosing each other and dumping me?" I asked and Dani shrugged.
"Possibly. And if it happens, my offer stands. I don't know why you think I'm joking." Dani said starting to confuse me.
I really couldn't tell if she was joking or not. She should really take up acting.
"You should see your face right now." Dani burst out laughing. "Jay, calm down. I'm kidding...sort of. Come on you act like you wouldn't date me. Say Nadia and Aniya weren't in the picture. Like some alternate universe type shit."
"No. Daniella, I honestly think you and I would be best friends no matter the circumstances not matter the universe or whatever. You're like a sister to me and that's an unbreakable bond. Romantic relationships, no matter how solid they may seem, can be temporary. I don't want anything temporary with you."
Dani turned around and did a fake as cough and I furrowed my eyebrows. She finally turned around and her face and ears were red.
"I was just playing with your sentimental ass." Dani said giving my shoulder a weak push. "You almost made my thug ass cry with that sweet ass shit. Damn."
"I may not have made you cry, but I did make you blush." I said calling Dani out and she glared at me.
"Whatever. I think we should hug now though." Dani said making me laugh.
"Why?" I asked and Dani pulled me into a hug anyway.
"Because I love you, bitch. That's why. My mom should dead ass adopt you." Dani spoke as I returned her hug.
"I'm dating her daughter, so no." I chuckled.
"Oh yeah." Dani laughed. "It's alright. You're my sister regardless."
"Exactly." I agreed.
"But look, I can't tell you what to do, I can only give my opinion. Just be careful with Parker okay? I just don't want this whole thing not working out and ultimately messing up what you and Aniya have. Are you two really willing to risk that?"
That was a good question. But what would we risk by not exploring our feelings for Parker?
"You know, Aniya said she liked me the moment she saw me. It's not unheard of for her to catch feelings fast." I said remembering what Aniya told me.
"That's sweet, but it took you a minute to develop actual feelings for Aniya. Parker likes her back. So this was mutual 'like at first sight' between them. Look I'm not trying to worry you. You had a lot going on when you met Aniya, not to mention you liked Mya, but still. You met Niya first and you still liked Mya."
"I liked Mya the moment I met her." I pointed out and Dani rolled her eyes.
"Bullshit. You liked the way Mya looked. You were interested in her. You didn't want a relationship with her." Dani said rolling her eyes.
"Still defensive over Mya I see." I mumbled, but I know Dani heard me.
"Not at all. I simply called you out on your bullshit. You and Mya never would have worked." Dani scoffed. "I was never defensive anyway. I just didn't want either of you getting hurt and look how things turned out between you two."
"Whatever. This isn't about Mya. So what if I didn't like Aniya right when I met her? I love her now. I'm in love with her."
"But you like someone else." Dani added.
"So fucking what? She does too. My feelings for Parker haven't changed what I feel for Aniya."
"What if you had to choose between them?" Dani asked.
"I'd choose Aniya." I answered with no hesitation.
"Well I'm no expert on polyamory, but I'm pretty sure things are supposed to be equal. If you and Aniya would choose each other over Parker, what is the point in adding her to your relationship? Lord knows I care about you and Aniya more than her, but what if she gets hurt? What if you do this and down the line you and Aniya realize that it's not what you want? Are you comfortable with breaking Parker's heart?" Dani asked.
I like her better what she's being silly. Reasonable Daniella is a pain in the ass.
"We can cross that bridge if we get there." I answered lamely.
"And on that note, I am done with this conversation. I hope you and Aniya know what you're doing. This is why your dumbasses shouldn't have had a threesome with Parker in the first place. I told your dumbass she liked you from the jump, but you wouldn't believe me."
"You said you were done with this conversation." I gave Dani a blank look.
"That's the last time I'll speak on your situation. Good luck." Dani faked a smile and I did the same.
"Thank you."
Aniya
"I thought you two were in love?" AJ looked at me with a confused face after I gave her the run down on the whole thing with Jayla, Parker, and me.
"We are." I said not really understanding why that was her immediate response to the information I'd just given her.
"You two had a whole relationship and caught feelings for someone else. What if you didn't like Parker, would you be cool with Jayla liking her?" AJ asked and I frowned.
"No."
"Why not?" AJ asked and I looked at her like she was dumb.
"Because she's my girlfriend. Why would I be okay with her having feelings for someone else?" I asked and AJ threw her hands up.
"Exactly! So why is this okay? It's the same thing. Only in this situation, you both like someone else. Someone you don't even know, might I add. Was this love at first sight or some shit?"
"I don't love Parker." I laughed at AJ.
"Okay, well 'like' at first sight. Whatever you want to call it. It's ridiculous, Aniya. I'm just gonna be real with you. Even if this three way disaster is mutual, it says something about your relationship with Jayla. You're in love with her, but you caught feelings for someone else. That's not how being in love works. Being attracted to someone else is one thing, but both of you idiots actually have feelings for Parker." AJ spoke her mind.
"And you. You met Parker once and you like her. How long did it take you to like Jayla?" AJ asked.
"I liked Jayla the moment I saw her too. Look, feelings are rare for me, so I don't play games or try to hide what I feel. I know when I like someone because it's almost foreign to me, so much so that it stands out. Jayla and Parker are the only two people I've ever had feelings for, so it wasn't really hard to understand what I felt for Parker because meeting Jayla was the same." I said cringing at my words.
Shouldn't my feelings for Jayla be stronger? Don't get me wrong, they are now, but initially, Jayla should be different. Shouldn't she?
"You either catch feelings fast as hell or you don't really understand what you feel." AJ chuckled and I narrowed my eyes at her.
"I understand exactly what I feel. It's not complicated. I like two people. Well, I love Jayla and I like Parker. Why are you acting like that's bad?"
"It's not bad, I just think you need to take time and really try to understand what you feel. You said it your self, Jayla and Parker are the only people you've ever had feelings for. Just because it's different from what you've felt before, that doesn't make it love. And also, you can love someone and not be in love with them. If you were truly in love with Jayla, you wouldn't be having feelings for Parker. And same thing with Jayla. If she was in love with you, she wouldn't have feelings for Parker."
I thought over AJ's words and no matter how much sense she was making, I couldn't bring myself to agree with her. I know exactly what I feel. I am in love with Jayla. I just don't feel like me liking Parker has anything to do with how I feel for Jayla. I don't love Jayla any less. If you can love multiple people platonically, why can't you romantically? I will admit, I'm no expert on feelings of any sort, especially not love, but I know what I feel and I'm not gonna let anyone tell me different. They're my feelings.
"I respect your opinion, but I know what I feel." I spoke confidently
"Fine. Hopefully this works out, but if it doesn't, I'm saying I told you so." AJ shrugged and I rolled my eyes.
"It is what it is." I shrugged.
Daniella
"I know you're gonna be bored sitting in this room all day. It's like thirty minutes away and Jayla said you can use her car."
I was trying to convince Nadia to come to the basketball game we were playing today in Fullerton. We played a team that we had a pretty close home game to at their house this time and I wasn't really worried, but I was worried. I haven't really been able to get Nadia to do much since we got back from the break. When we first got back it was because of the letter, but then she started being more like herself, so I figured she was fine. But now, I'm not so sure.
"It's a bad day, Daniella." Nadia said for like the thousandth time and I groaned.
"What does that even mean?" I asked. "You've been saying that for the last two weeks. I'm not trying to be an asshole. I just really don't understand. Do you have a lot of school work or something?"
"I wouldn't know." Nadia scoffed and I furrowed my eyebrows.
"What? How would you not know?"
"I haven't really been very alert in my classes lately. That's when I actually show up for them, I mean." Nadia let out a dry laugh. "And when I am there, I'm asleep."
"You've been skipping class?" I asked. "Since when do you skip class? Or sleep in class for that matter?"
"Since I don't fucking feel like going, Daniella. Why do you keep asking me to do shit when I've made it very clear that I don't want to do anything? It's a bad day. And it's gonna be a bad day tomorrow and the day after that and possibly the next. And stop fucking asking me what's wrong. I hate having to explain it over and over again. It's always the same thing with me and I hate it and I know you do too."
"Nadia-"
"No, Dani please don't. I hate this. I hate being like this. Why can't I just get over it? It's like reading her letter made everything come back. I was doing fine. More fine than normal anyway, but now everything is coming back. I keep dreaming about it. Every night. I keep seeing her...I keep seeing her do it. Over and over again. The only difference is this time, I actually try to stop her, but no matter how loud I try to scream and how much I try to go to her, I can't. No sound comes out and I can't move a muscle. I'm just stuck. I can't make it stop, Dani. How do I make it stop?" Nadia's nonchalant facade crumbled completely as she broke down and I immediately went to her.
"I...I don't know." I spoke pathetically as I pulled Nadia into my arms. "I'm sorry."
As always, I didn't know what to say to make Nadia feel better, so I just held her. I hated not being able to help her.
I didn't know how much time had passed,
but when my phone started to ring I looked at it and cursed under my breath.
"Baby, I um-"
"It's okay. I don't want to get you in trouble." Nadia said sitting up and wiping her eyes. They were red and puffy from how much she'd been crying. I hated seeing her like this.
"I can call Malaya if you-"
"I have a phone too, Dani. I don't want to call Malaya." Nadia sighed. "Just go. I'm fine."
"You don't have to pretend, Nadia. I just held you as you cried for more than two hours."
"I didn't ask you to, Dani." Nadia said making distance between us on her bed. "I haven't ask you to come here everyday trying to get me out of this room. You-"
"I do it because I care about you. You don't have to ask me to care. And I wasn't saying it like that. I'm just saying that you are not okay. You know it and I know it. You need help. Professional help." I said trying to be stern, but not harsh.
"They're just gonna give me more pills. I don't need pills. They're not gonna make me better. Nothing will ever make me better. This is going to keep happening until I can't take it anymore and end up just like my-"
"Don't you dare say anything like that." I cut Nadia off. "I get that-"
"You don't get anything! You don't understand how this feels. You have no idea, Daniella." Nadia stood up from her bed and took a few steps away from where I still was sitting.
"I lost my dad, I know-"
"Your dad didn't kill himself!" Nadia cut me off. "If your dad could be here, he would. My mom left me by choice. You don't get shit. You have a mother. One that loves you way too much to ever leave you by choice. I didn't and never will have that luxury, so don't you dare say anything like that." Nadia came back over to me and got in my face. "What have you really gone through, Dani? Other than losing your dad, what struggles have you really had? You're never going to understand me."
"I never said I was in your shoes. I was only saying that I get that it hurts. We may not have the same pain, but I know pain. I know the pain of losing a parent. No matter how my dad died, it still hurt me. Our pain isn't a competition, Nadia. And just so you know, the amount of pain you've been through doesn't somehow invalidate the pain of those that haven't been through as much as you have. So fuck you for that and-"
"Get out of my room please, Daniella." Nadia cut me off and walked over to her door. "We've said enough, don't you think?"
"I need you to come with me. I can ask if coach will let you ride the bus. You don't need to be alone right now." I said standing up and walking to Nadia.
"You need to go before you're late. I don't want to get you in trouble." Nadia spoke in a dismissive tone.
"I'm sorry, Nadia. I shouldn't have said-"
"Stop apologizing to me. You can get angry with me. It's not like I'm not giving you reasons to be. I'm angry with me too." Nadia forced a laugh. "Good luck on your game."
"Fuck the game, Nadia. I'm not leaving you when you're talking like you're gonna hurt yourself."
"I'm not going to hurt myself. I'm too much of a coward for that." Nadia chuckled.
"That's not good enough. You shouldn't want to hurt yourself at all. Not just because you're too scared to."
"I promise not to off myself while you're gone." Nadia just kept joking.
"It's not funny!" I snapped. "Stop acting like this is a fucking joke. You're talking about killing yourself, Nadia. Do you not understand how terrifying it is to hear you speak like this?" I asked in disbelief.
"Do you know how terrifying it is to think about it, so much?" Nadia countered. "I'm not trying to scare you, Dani. You told me to talk to you. I'm talking. This is what I tried to avoid by pushing you away, but you told me not to do that. This is what comes with me. You get me and every one of my demons. You get the good days and the bad days. You get the days where I want to fucking kill myself because that is what comes with me. And this is one of those days. I've been having one of those days for a while now. It's all I've thought about." Nadia admitted and I felt like my heart was vibrating in my chest.
"You need help." I spoke in a shaky voice as Nadia became a blurry figure in my view.
"Fine, I'll take my pills." Nadia threw her hands up and stormed past me towards the bathroom. "I'll take every single last one of them because that's the only thing that's going to help me. I don't want to be here anymore." I turned to grab Nadia but she pushed me away.
"Don't touch me! Just leave." She said almost making it into her bathroom, but I grabbed her from behind.
"Nadia, you need to calm down." I said holding on to her as she struggled in my hold.
She was doing everything she could to get away from me, but I wouldn't let got.
"Let me go!" Nadia yelled and tried prying my arms from around her. Her nails were digging into my skin, but I didn't let her go.
"Stop it please." I begged as I tried to drag Nadia as far away from her bathroom as possible. That's where her medicine was. I wasn't going to let her go in there.
"Let me go!" Nadia struggled. "It doesn't have to happen today, but I'm gonna do it whether you want me to or not. It's inevitable. Like mother like daughter."
"You're not your mother!" I yelled before turning Nadia around and forcing her to look at me. "She didn't kill herself because she wanted to. She killed her self because she was sick and that's the only thing you two have in common. The only thing that makes you like your mother is that you need help. It's up to you not to be like her by actually getting it."
Nadia stopped struggling and just looked at me before breaking down.
"I just want it to stop." Nadia said burying her face in the crook of my neck as she sobbed. "I just want it to stop."
I picked Nadia up and walked her over to her bed.
"I don't want to hurt myself, Dani. I really don't. But I can't control my mind. There's something wrong with me." Nadia spoke in a shaky voice.
My phone started to ring again, but I ignored it. I couldn't leave her like this.
-
Nadia ended up falling asleep in my arms and I took that opportunity to check my phone. I had missed calls from all of my teammates. I called Raquel back since she's the captain and the phone barely did a complete ring before she answered.
"Where the hell are you, Daniella?! Coach is pissed. She made the bus leave you. You know what that means." Raquel spoke into the phone.
"I'm with Nadia." I started and Raquel interrupted me.
"You missed the bus for sex?! You risked getting put off of the fucking team for sex?! How irresponsible can you be?" Raquel yelled and I groaned before getting up slowly, so I wouldn't wake Nadia up.
"Raquel, Nadia told me that she wanted to kill herself today. She said she's been thinking about it for a while now." I spoke in a taut voice. "I couldn't leave her. I-I don't know what to do. I'm sorry for not being there for the team, but I just..I couldn't leave her. She needs help."
"Shit." Raquel cursed into the phone. "Dani, you need to call Nas. I'll talk to coach, so don't even worry about the team right now."
"Thank you, Raquel." I spoke appreciatively.
"No, problem, but next time please call. Don't just not show up. Coach is talking about putting you off of the team." Raquel added and I sighed.
"I don't want there to be a next time, but I'll call. I'm sorry." I sniffed.
"You don't have to apologize. I'm gonna let you go. Call Nas and Malaya. I have to go."
I was about to call Nadia's dad when I heard Nadia's voice.
"Dani, why are you still here? Coach Young is gonna leave you." Nadia spoke worriedly and I wiped my eyes before turning to her, so she couldn't see that I had been crying.
"She already did, but it's okay. Raquel is gonna talk to her for me." I explained and Nadia frowned.
"Why would you let the bus leave you?" She asked as if she wasn't aware of what was going on and I had to will myself not to yell at her.
"I wanted to stay with you." I said putting my phone in my pocket and going back over to Nadia's bed.
"But what about the game?" Nadia asked and I shrugged.
"You're more important." I said motioning for Nadia to scoot over so I could get beside her.
"Dani, you love basketball and the last thing I want to do is ruin that for you. You don't have to put your life on hold just because I have issues." Nadia said downplaying the reality of her situation.
"I love you more." I said wrapping my arms around Nadia and laying back with her head on my chest.
"I'm so sorry, Daniella." Nadia sniffed. "I hate being like this."
"You don't have to apologize because it's not your fault. Stuff like this doesn't change over night and I get that, so don't feel like you're doing me any harm because you aren't. But you are doing yourself harm by avoiding the inevitable. You need help and you need to let your dad know what's going on, so he can get you in to see someone." I said trying to be as gentle as possible. The last thing I wanted to do was start another argument.
"I'm scared, Dani. What if nothing helps?" Nadia asked in a shaky voice.
"You can't go into this thinking like that. Most of this is up to you. Doctors can only do so much and if you don't want medication, the last thing you need to be doing is doubting yourself or your doctor."
Nadia sat up a little after I said that and I sat up too thinking she was about to get mad at me again, but she just smiled a sad smile.
"I may be doing a terrible job at showing it lately, but I love you so much. Thank you for not leaving me. I wouldn't blame you if you did, but thank you so so much, Daniella." Nadia said before pulling me into a tight hug.
"I already told you I'm not going anywhere." I spoke before placing a kiss on Nadia's temple. "And I love you too. Nothing is going to change that."
***************
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