"We broke up."
Lisa shrugged like she's used to it. Of course, this is nothing new to them. For the past three years it's not surprising we broke up and make up the next time.
But this time it was different.
Jisoo sighed and move forward to reach my hands. Chaeyoung came after wrapping me with her slender arms.
"You're making me feel eh!"
We all laughed watching our giant maknae running to us and launch herself into a hug.
"Something isn't right here.." Jisoo skeptically stared at me squinting her eyes. "Jendeukii.."
"Wae?" I frowned.
"You used to always say it in tear that you guys broke up. Jigeum, you look fine as if telling us Kuma just pooped in my bed the last night."
"Cause I broke up with him." I chortled.
I smiled more watching their shocked face with their mouths widely open that could almost reach the ground. Shookt was an understatement. They were bombed.
"Daebak!"
"No way.."
"Finally!"
I don't know how to describe their reactions but their hysterical laugh boomed the whole studio.
No matter how I'd smile like I've been used to this still the emptiness lingers inside my chest. This time, it'll not be temporarily.
I know for myself it's the end of everything. My hopes and shattered dream together with him all went to drain.
"You were right. It's just.." My tears fell despite the smile that I'm wearing to conceal the pain. "..i-it's just I was too late to even realize you were right all along. I'm so sorry."
They did not say anything and hugged me more instead. Never even there was 'I told you so' but they just assured me everything will be okay and that they will stay by my side no matter what happens.
I should've listened to them. I should've listened to mom. They were right.
Maybe my mom was right all along. Or maybe from the beginning when she warned me that love is like playing with fire. I'd only get myself hurt.
She would always told me everyday to always be careful with men. But I've been always fascinated to befriend everybody and that didn't exlude the guys.
Growing up, I always like to make friends. I wore the brightest smile I could to make people feel at ease and be comfortable around me.
Mom said I looked exactly just like her when I'm serious. She's scary when she's serious though. I don't want them to get scared at me.
I really don't get it at first I mean like, can't I even talk to them? Sure, I love being with girlies but it'll be odd to look at for me having no any single friends from the opposite gender. My childhood memories in Seoul were filled only with kids from my gender but never I remember I ever have any memory with any of the guys.
Maybe it was one of my greatest motivation to grab the chance of living in New Zealand. I was only nonchalant answering my mother but I was so very thrilled to be honest.
I could actually made a lot of guy friends! That would be really cool for sure. Someone will gonna be like my brother cause I don't have one. Perks of being an only child.
Someone will make me feel secured and safe. As the saying goes, men are born providers and protectors.
I am physically weak and basically has low physical endurance and energy. It quiet left me an impression that girls are naturally born weak because I'm weak.
Well, except my mom.
Auckland made me experience new things and one of them is to make friends with the guys. They're actually cool! They're fun to talk with and they don't complain. Except if you're a chicken. Their greatest influence was music.
I easily gain friends in an instant. I was the only mocha surrounded with my paper white friends. They said they love my tanned skin. Some of them seems to love it but not everyone was pleased with my skin neither my race and told me I look like a horrid asian bitch.
All those horrible things happened I face everyday that the only thing I could do was to cry on my own at night. I hate to trouble my parents and I just can't run and go back to Korea just like that.
One thing I learned was to accept that we couldn't please everyone. We couldn't fight back just because they hate us for merely breathing. So I stayed in silent and treasured those people who appreciates me.
I was thankful enough for my friends who stayed by my side during those dark days. By then, I learned to enjoy myself together with the people that makes me happy.
My fellow white girls jamming to Rihanna and Beyonce made me thirst for music. I feel the needs and wants running through my veins that made me end up signing up for the YG Audition without my parents approval.
Firstly, they have completely zero percent as in definitely no idea about this so basically I decided on my own without their knowledge.
"You're going back to Korea?" It was mom, flipping her favorite magazine.
"I guess? Law school isn't.. just for me." I stared on the busy street of Florida through the window.
We rented a whole luxury suit for this trip but I didn't forgot the main reason why we're here.
She didn't said anything and stared at me for the whole time. She's dead serious and I bet she might be mad at me.
"Why?"
One syllable and and as much how serious it is, I couldn't help to sound like mommy.
"I heard the music industry needs the little Kim Jennie."
I saw how it made her smile a bit. That made me smile too. I'm very much confident getting her blessing after this short trip.
From Florida, I went back to New Zealand and spend my remaining days with my friends before I head back to Korea for the audition.
"Which company you'd prefer? I could pull some string for you to go on a special audition.." She trailed off after seeing my sour expression.
"Mom, you wouldn't. I hate to be labeled as a spoiled ass princess in the future all because of a special treatment I didn't even plan from the start. If I'd get to be accepted, I want it to happen naturally and not being manipulated by you or even from dad's connection." I sighed and sat on the opposite side. "Plus, you can't easily manipulate that company. Even if you beg and try, you can't."
Her brow dramatically form into an arc seemingly offended.
"Which company you're exactly auditioning to?" She asked certainly offended with my last statement.
"YG."
"YG-what?!" Now she was eyeing me horribly like I've gone nuts. "Jennie Ruby Jane Kim, are you telling me it's that company of delinquents-"
I cut her off rolling my eyes. "Mom, it's hiphop."
"-whatever you call it. And you didn't even mention this beforehand. Goodness! I could never imagine you with those baggy clothes!"
Her lament continued from fashion to visual to everything that comes to her mind. She's.. well, like the usual, my mother.
She's not my mother if she wouldn't freak out like this. My main reason why I never dared to mention it to her on the first place.
"Of all the companies out there, why it has to be that company? You're not actually serious about this.. well, you can change your mind anytime you want. You're just fifteen.."
"I'm not changing my mind. I'm auditioning to YG whether you like it or not." I said crossing my arms in conviction.
"Oh, goodness!"
"What's going on?" That was dad, probably home this early.
"Please try to convince your daughter not to go on that audition! It's a rogue!"
Dad stared at me. I shrugged and gave him an innocent look mouthing 'michin' pertaining to my mom.
He laughed and then turned to my still hysterical mother. "What company?"
"That company of delinquents! That YG! I beg you to stop her with those nonsense.."
"Sounds cool.." Dad smirked and secretly wink at me. "Should I drive you there?"
Mom couldn't believe and would actually faint any moment watching Dad and I laughing our ass off.
I got accepted right away. I topped the audition beating five thousand auditionee leaving forty of us.
Though, my initial plan was to go for vocals but after the first tryout which the producers and the main producer suggested a rap performance on the next tryout.
From five thousand down to forty, my rap performance knock the remaining thirty nine leaving me topping the whole audition.
"Finally, an Ace was born."
"YG's future weapon. What do you think, Sajangnim? Look at her visual plus her talents are A plus! I think I'll treat her to dinner after that fantastic performance-"
"Seungri." The main producer stern voice echoed throughout the room. "Don't you have a date tonight? Stop bothering me."
The news went across to the other company and every time we have a versus performance, I would always got surprised when other trainees took noticed me right away. I mean, I became an instant celebrity without even trying. The attention made me gain more confidence and friends.
But that Ace card became both a privilege and a curse. Jennie Kim as an Ace. A triple threat. The Jack of all trades. But I guess I am a master of none.
The following years became uncertain as well my debut. I became more restless with every repetitive scenarios. Repetitive evaluation. Repetitive A plus performance. There's nothing new and no specific plan for my debut. We only got an empty promise and the hope for a chance.
Every time our monthly evaluation came, reality would always hit us that we're living on a mean and cold hearted world.
At the end of the month, all YG producers, sometimes the artists and the boss himself would watch and evaluate us. We needed to perform one solo performance, one group performance and one dance performance.
There's always a lot to do.
We needed to chose the outfits, the groups, the parts, the songs, and make the MRs. We had to come up with a choreography and practice it.
There was even a mid-term evaluation adding and repeating more pressure to us.
Filming weekly videos for vocals, popping and krumping dance. Take individual photos. There's so much to do every month that eating out together sneakily became the only thing that bring us a little happiness.
We didn't know it was that difficult. All we know is that we just have to do it or else all your time and efforts would go to waste with your dreams shattered to pieces.
It's like going to school. You have to but you don't really think why you have to. Or we actually did but it's just we chose not to think about why we have to because we all know for ourselves we're all afraid of gaving up and ending up with nothing. Ending empty handed after the years we spent and struggled too far.
It was a depressing moment I need to keep it for myself and then came Jack. The age gap between us made it possible for us to click instantly. I was lonely and he was there to listen little did I know I was slowly falling for him. Deeply and irrevocably. It was fast as being hit by a bullet train.
I fell in love so easily. Forgetting my mother's words about men.
I thought he was the spontaneous thing that happened and will be the last love I would have.
I believe we date to marry. I hate breakups. I hate lies. I hate uncertainties.
But those I hated the most were the exact thing that happened to us and it quiet became more repetitive. I became uncertain and paranoid.
"You can't just go around and tell me what to do! I am old enough to take care of myself! I have works and I'm busy! And what did I tell you? Just focus on your fucking evaluation so you could atleast debut as soon as possible!"
Ironically how he can easily scarred me with words. How he made me feel pathetic and question myself for being an Ace or do I even deserve to be called as one? I can't even debut!
It's been fucking five years but I'm still stuck here trying my luck. His once soothing words that heals me now became the source of my scars.
"S-sorry. I was just trying to make it up to you s-since I've been busy lately.. I'm sorry if I didn't know.. y-you don't want me bringing you food anymore.." I wipe my tears and pick up the doshirak I brought which threw away.
"Stop this. For once stop being so pathetic. We're only chasing circles. This is not the Jennie I once knew and fell in love with. Looking at you now.. you're just an innocent, naive and boring little girl who fucking needs my attention."
It hurts. But I can't blame him because it was my fault. I was mentally exhausted that I didn't notice I became more and more different from my old self.
I waa depressed but I couldn't find the courage to tell him because he was too busy with his modeling career. I'm even too busy to tell him either. I have so much to do producing and writing lyrics.
All the things I went through, all the happiness and pain we went together with him I put it all in one song bearing the saddest melody I ever heard.
My only consolation was this is just a phase and we will get through this. He's my end game. And I want it to stay that way.
I want him to stay but he's always leaving.
"Let's just stop it here."
I'm already getting used to it. This is quiet getting repetitive again. My face can't feel the coldness of his voice anymore.
Three years. Three years that was filled with sad memories rather than those happy memories when we're together.
I became weak and clumsy and gone was the fluffball Jennie I was. But I'm trying to revive my old self and if it means breaking my heart for the sake of getting back my old self, I would.
"I hate to say this but I guess I need to agree with you this time.." I smiled genuinely even when my tears were painfully falling.
It was an exhausting day after our first SBS Gayo Daejun. And it's been weeks since our last decent talk. I tried to contact him after our first Award Show in AAA. I was so happy and I badly wanted to tell him the good news.
I thought when I finally make my debut, things will be easier for us. But it wasn't. Things getting more harder. We barely even communicate than the last time before my debut.
I'm emotionally and mentally exhausted about us. Slowly, I felt my heart gaving up with the love that never made me happy anymore for the last three years.
"You're back." He smiled showing his pearly set of teeth. "You've grown beautifully and I hate that I caused you too much pain from the past years."
My tears fell and so his tears as well.
"I'm sorry, Jen."
I closed my eyes shutting it tightly before swallowing the lump on my throat and took the courage to finally ask him what I long to ask him.
"Do you.. do you still love me?" My eyes slowly fluttered to open.
Because damn, I still do but I need to heal on my own too. But if he love me still, then I'd stay and scarred myself over and over again.
"I'm sorry."
I guess it's the end of us. My heart just broken completely. I could even make a demo of how my heart got broken but of course that would be so silly.
One thing I realized, I should've not teach him how to be my boyfriend. I should've not have ask him to show me off to his friends, I should've not ask him to text me everyday about his life, I should've not ask him to care about me, I should've not ask him to bring me flowers, I should've not ask him to plan dates.
I should've not beg for his love.
Because he will do anything and everything for me if he's really in love with me.
"So, why not let's go to Thailand? Khun mae told me to bring you all this Christmas vacation." Lisa beamed from behind.
"I have plans going home to Australia. I can't, Liz." Chaeng withdrew from her hug.
"Nado. I'll be home for this vacation. Mianhe." Jisoo pursed her lips to Lisa.
"Well.." I raised a brow as they all watch me expectantly. "I guess I'll convince Mom to come with me."
"You're coming with me? Oh my gosh!" Lisa shrilled on top of her lungs that made us all giggle.
"I'll make sure to have a taste of the best Swiss Chef dishes!" I laughed.
"I'm so envious!"
Chaeng looking regretful on the last minute. Lisa just laughed at her misery. Oh, how she love foods by the way and Lisa's dad is one of the best chef on the list.
"We will have next time, Chaeyoung-ah." Jisoo breathed reassuringly to Chaeng.
Two days before our flight, we are all gathered together on a sleep over to my room. Wrapped with our pyjamas we all looked back together in the past and laugh at it.
"I happened to join Jinwoo oppa and Mino oppa watching this month's evaluation.." Lisa started.
We were silent waiting for her to continue. On my part, I don't go to watch the evaluations so I don't know if the system before still works.
But when I do sometimes, it's only sometimes back when we don't know it was difficult and we just had to do it, I could see myself to those trainees getting all the harsh words from the producers.
"I saw Jinny-"
"Jennie? Jenddeukii?" Jisoo interrupted with her usual antics.
"I think it's Park Jinhee." Chaeng answered.
"Ne. I saw her. I felt really really sad watching her performance. It wasn't bad but I felt bad because she should be with us right now. She should be.. debuted with us." Her voice shake along with her shoulders.
We all got up and hugged her. We feel her pain. Lisa has the purest and the softest heart for everyone despite of the gangsta image she like to portray on stage. She's very close to Jinny before, and it's sad to watch her cried silently watching her friend still struggling to debut.
"I teared up and then.. and then.." She sniffed and lift her face showing her pursed lips to us. "Mino oppa asked me why I'm crying. I told him I remember his face crying during WIN and I kind of blurted it out loud mimicking his face that made him so pissed. It was chaotic unnie!"
That crack me up so hard. Jisoo was shaking. Chaeng is wheezing. And Mino is probably crying his ass now and definitely cursing Lisa on his head.
Aigoo. Lisa, why so cute?
The next day, we checked our luggage before going to our separate ways. Maknaes would probably lock themselves on their room. Jisoo and I went out for our morning yoga.
By lunch I head back to the dorm alone since Jisoo went straight to meet her cousin.
"Going somewhere?"
Chaeng halted and looked back sheepily.
"Uh. I'm going to eat out for lunch." She smiled nervously gripping the strap of his guitar case tightly.
"Is that so?" I stared more on her guitar, weirded. "Can I join?"
"Uh, actually I'm with a friend. Not really a friend, we just met lately. Just hanging out.." She laughed forcefully that made me more skeptical.
"I should join you then. Would it be alright?" I removed my pony and let my hair fell freely. "Is it a guy?"
"Yeah-no! I mean, i-it's alright it's just.." She looked constipated but then sigh at the end. "Okay. I'm not out to eat lunch. I'm out to meet someone to return this guitar."
I smirked shrugging my shoulders.
"Fifteen minutes. Give me fifteen minutes." I didn't wait for her answer and headed straight to my room.
True to my words, I went out after fifteen minutes. I wore my usual go to outfit paired with my Gucci white sneakers.
"Let's go?" I smiled before linking our elbows.
She looks constipated throughout the ride. She would laugh whenever there's something funny between our talk but I know it was forced. I knew her.
"Unnie.." She bit her lip and held my arm before I could open the glass door of the said coffee shop. "The thing is.. I've been trying to tell you this but I felt embarrassed at the same time knowing you might think there's something going on between us which is not true-"
I cut her off with a knowing smile. "If you're worried I'm going to tease you, I won't. Don't worry about the girls, I won't tell them either. Your secret is safe with me."
"Aniyo! It's not like a secret.. I'm just really going to return this. That's all."
"You sound so defensive that makes me more suspicious.." I smirked.
"Unnie!" She eyed me horridly.
"C'mon, let's go!"
I pushed the glass door and went inside. I adjusted my sunnies before looking around.
"Who's that friend, anyway.. what's the color of his shirt? Hmm.. wait there's no one here." Weird.
"I guess it's close?"
There was no written sign they're close when we arrived earlier. Plus the fact the whole place was deserted made me suspicious a bit.
"Then your friend won't be coming I guess, if it is close." Make it make sense because this shop is making no sense.
"He's kind of famous, unnie." Chaeng talked behind me.
"Not really."
Both Chaeng and I spinned around to turn to the owner of that baritone voice. I almost gasp and my sunnies almost drop upon finally seeing the guy.
"Uh, actually he's my new friend, unnie. I think you knew him already. He's Chanyeol oppa." Chaeng gestured the guy before turning to me. "Oppa, I bet you knew my Jennie unnie already. You said you're a huge fan of her, right?"
God. Sometimes I want to slap her for being so dumb all the time. The guy was obviously awkward because I'm hundred percent sure he just made up that as an excuse! Or if it might be true, that's still embarrassing.
Chaeng, you got no jam.
"Ya, hyung! How dare you stole my Gucci and ran away just like... that.."
Another guy came to nowhere topless.
"Gucci." I mimicked.
He frowned and stared at me.
"I have Gucci, so am I theif?" I smirked jokingly.
He kind of look familiar. I bet he's been around with that Chanyeol guy. I just don't paid much attention to him or even to his group. Well, I'm not quiet comfortable around with the male idols from the other company except those I already knew before.
"She was kidding. She likes Gucci and making puns by the way.." Chaeng explained trying to save face. "We won't take long. We just drop by to return this."
"It's okay. Uh, you should eat first! Ne! Since you're here already.."
It was my stomach's cue to grumble. Thank you, I'm hungry by the way.
"My ass. You rented the whole place a week ago.." That topless guy murmured to himself crossing his arms. "Too bad took her long to take the bait."
I saw how his Chanyeol hyung elbowed him and smiled sheeepishly to my dumb Park Chaeyoung. I faked a cough struggling to contain my laughter.
"Unnie, are you okay?" Chaeng asked worriedly. "Should we go back to the dorm now?"
She really had now idea. Poor guy. My girl is quiet dumb to read between the lines.
"No, no!" I looked crazy smiling with my sunnies. "I'm already hungry so why not let's eat up?"
She was hesitant but that Chanyeol was quick to convince her again. I couldn't hold my laughter anymore and burst out laughing.
"Unnie, are you okay?"
God, save me! I can't do this anymore.
"No. I just remember something another funny word." I smiled sheepishly.
"What is it?" God, she's not letting me off with this!
"What's your name?" I turned to ask that topless guy instead.
"Uh. Kai?" He frowned.
"That's it. That's another funny word." I turn to Chaeng stifling a laugh. "He has the same name with my dog."
Then I burst off along with that Chanyeol guy leaving my dumb Chaeng and that Kai dude clueless.
***