MADISON'S POV.
I can hear people talking downstairs, so I know it's morning. The morning light peeks through the boarded window, shining against my lids. It's the first night in a while that I've stayed asleep the whole night, I didn't wake once.
When I finally open my eyes I'm still in Carl's arms from the night before, curled in up in a ball on the rocking chair.
I turn my head and watch as Kara twists in her sleep, just as restless.
Slowly, I wriggle out of Carl's hold and pick her up, holding her close, to sooth her. She goes quiet again and falls back asleep while one of her tiny fists clasp a lock of my hair. I sit back down in Carl's lap, in the same position as before, expecting him to wake, but he just tightens his hold on us both and and continues sleeping.
I wait there happily with our baby and Fangs snoring lightly at our feet. She is the most precious thing I've ever come across. She's finally grown to the size she would've been born at if she wasn't premature, even at that, she's still tiny. She opens her mouth to cry but instead snuffles in distress, reaching her arms out for something and grabbing ahold of my pinky. Her tiny fingers look so dainty against mine and her fingernails are barely the size of a fragment of a pebble.
She starts to stir, kicking her feet about and stretching her other hand into the air.
"Let's get you a bottle." A whisper against her cheek before planting tiny kisses there.
Wow, she's made me soft.
I feel Carl move fractionally and I twist my head slightly to catch him staring at me with a trace of a smile on his lips.
"I could get used to waking up to this." He whispers.
I just smile, I don't want to give the wrong intentions. Maybe letting him stay in my room last night was wrong, but I just needed a friend to vent to and he was there. He's always there.
I stare at him with a smile on my own lips, trying not to get lost in his eyes. I'm quickly distracted when Kara kicks up a fuss and finally I stand up, getting back to reality. Fangs springs to his feet, eagerly.
"It's okay fangs. We're home." I chuckle.
He looks like I woke from a bad dream.
I watch as he shakes himself from head to toe before skipping to the door, waiting for me to open it. Unfortunately, I'm carrying Kara with one hand and she's holding onto my finger on the other hand and I don't want her to let go, not yet.
I look over to Carl who just rolls his eye before standing up to help. He opens the door swiftly and Fangs sprints down the stairs. I know he reached the kitchen when I hear Rick yell about "that stupid, damn dog!"
"Listen Carl, uh, there's something I need to tell you about yesterday."
"Hey, don't sweat it. Nobody knows I spent the night in here, and even if they do, we were just hanging out. As friends." He clarifies.
"Right... but ugh... that's actually not what I mean. Yesterday, I was in the bell tower and-"
"Madison? Carl? Is that you talking up there ? Can you come down here?" Michonne calls up.
"Be down in a minute." Carl responds.
"...what were you saying?"
I hesitate. "Um, Kai-"
"NOW! PLEASE!" Michonne calls louder.
Carl groans. "We better head down."
I nod and sigh in frustration.
I walk slowly down the stairs as Kara starts to cry in my arms.
"I know, I know. We're going to get breakfast now." I assure her.
"I'll be in the sitting room." Carl tells me as I continue for the kitchen. I nod.
Fangs sits patiently at the door waiting for me. His tail starts to wag as I walk towards him.
"Hey, buddy." I pay his head and he follows us into the kitchen.
As I heat up formula milk for Kara, I raid the fridge for something to feed Fangs.
"You better not be feeding that damn dog our food again." Rick yells from the sitting room.
"No." I yell back as I tear off a small leg of chicken from our left over dinner yesterday.
"Shhh." I warn as I bend to feed it to Fangs. He takes it from me and sits quietly in the corner, licking and gnawing at the bone.
I finally finish heating up her bottle and when I place it to her lips she immediately wakes up and eagerly drinks it. I walk into the sitting room to find the same map speed across the coffee table with even more scribbles and notes than last night and the same group of people crowding around it, making different points and different theories about how to get there and take what we need.
"We're going today." Rick tells me.
I feel my jaw drop without my permission, betraying me. I quickly compose myself but I can't make the sick feeling in my stomach go away.
"What?"
"We're heading to that asylum place today. If Negan attacks we need to be ready not with knives and empty ammo boxes. We need this stuff. If we get it, we can make the first move. We attack and we protect each other. We need it." Rick explains.
I watch as Carl throws an apologetic look my way.
"Fine. When do we leave." I mumble.
"In an hour. Carol, Morgan, Maggie and Beth are pitching in too. We couldn't get anyone from Oceanside to cooperate but what's new there." Rick sighs.
"Oceanside?" I question.
I feel somebody's hand clap my shoulder. "You have no idea the places we've found. Stay away from those women though, they're crazy." Tara warns me.
"It's a camp of just women ?" I ask.
"It is now... Negan killed all their men." Maggie informs me with a straight face. I know what she's picturing now.
Glenn.
Of course she is, we all are.
Abraham too.
I glance towards Rosita but look away when she catches me staring.
"Maggie, maybe you should sit this one out." I must be the only person in here with the balls to say it to her face. She can yell at me all she likes but I know this place and I know what it's like to be pregnant. If things go wrong, I don't want anything to happen to her or the baby.
"Madison-"
"No, Maggie. I mean it. It isn't safe and you can risk going there. Not now. Anyways, I presume Carl isn't sitting this one out."
"Not a chance." He replies.
I shrug. "Well then we'll need someone to look after Judith and Kara." I amend.
She stares at me for a few long seconds with a poker face, making it hard for me to know if she's mad at me or not.
Finally, she nods.
"You're right. I'll take care of them and make sure everybody else keeps trying to expand that wall. It's been taking a while to get it finished." She proposes.
I smile appreciatively.
"Thank you."
I watch as Beth's shoulders slump in relief.
So much has happened in the past few minutes yet somehow the plan hasn't been mentioned once.
"So what are we doing? What's the plan?"
"Well, we drive over there, all of us and find a large enough window to climb through, you said the doors were controlled by electricity so that's not an option, then we get the key, find Clover and kill her." Michonne explains.
"That's it ?"
"Do you have a better idea?" Carol asks.
I think for a second before shaking my head, no.
"And what about the others?"
"What others ?"
"The other patients. I'm not leaving them there." I insist.
"Not again."
Rick and Michonne look at each other, it's obvious a concerned conversation is being mentally teleported.
"They're somebody else's Madison. Somebody somewhere is missing them. Maybe they're not all sane but they deserve a chance." I interrupt.
The room is silent and I can tell nobody is impressed by a group of crazies passing our gates.
"Hilltop will take them. Not all of them. But the most sane ones." Maggie finally interjects.
I can't help the small smile that spreads across my face.
I watch as the King Ezekiel's guard,Jerry, nudges him. Ezekiel sighs before nodding. "We have room for just a few."
I look to Rick.
He shakes his head. "There's kids here."
"There's kids trapped in there. Some just a little older than Judith. How is that fair ? Give them some chance at life. Even if it is as shitty as this one." I plead.
"We will take the children. The rest can find their own way. We won't take them. They still have a chance out there Madison."
I take a minute to settle with this. I don't like the idea of leaving them behind again but this is the best deal I can get, so I nod in agreement.
"Pack your bags. We're leaving in 45 minutes." Rick announces.
*********************
45 minutes later.
—————————-
"Madison! Hurry! We're leaving." Rick shouts up the stairs to me.
"Two minutes."
I swing my bag over my shoulder and try to ignore the sick feeling in my stomach. I couldn't eat this morning after finding out the agenda for the day. I taste blood in my mouth from chewing on the inside of my cheek. A nervous habit I didn't know I had.
To be honest, I've been a complete mess and I've been panicking for 45 minutes. I put my knife in my pocket and then panicked when I couldn't find it, then I nearly gave up when I couldn't find my quiver with my arrows. Jenna came upstairs and told me to relax and she quickly found both.
All time had seemed to morphed together. It feels like I was downstairs talking to everyone only five minutes ago.
I take a deep breath. I'm not ready. I don't want to do this. I hold my head in my hands, groaning when I feel my own pulse pounding in my ears.
"Pull yourself together Madison." I whisper to myself.
Again, I take another breath and straighten up. I go over to Kara's crib and pick her up.
"I'm gonna be back as soon as I can. I promise." I swear to her as I plant a tiny kiss on her forehead.
I carry her downstairs, finding it hard to part with her as I stand in the doorway of the house.
"Mads?" Maggie calls from behind me.
I turn to look at her and she holds her hands out for Kara. It's strange how I take in everything about my daughter in my arms right now. How she's so tiny yet heavy in my arms, how her mouth makes a perfect 'O' shape as she sleeps, how she clings to a strand of my hair again, how she stretches her hands into the air when she sleeps or just how perfect she is.
"Madison. You'll be back soon and she'll be right here, waiting for you." Maggie promises me.
I nod. "I, Uh, I left her milk ready in the fridge and her bed is in my room but sometimes she's fussy and she will only sleep in your arms. She screams like a banshee so sing to her and she'll fall asleep-" I rush.
"MADISON! COME ON!" Rick shouts again.
"...she doesn't eat solid food. Just milk. If we're gone longer, her formula is in the cupboard under the sink and her blanket is-"
"Madison, relax. I've got this." Maggie promises, yet again.
I nod, placing one more kiss on her cheek before passing her over to Maggie.
I can still feel the ghost of her tiny body in my empty arms. Completely empty.
"I finally get to spend time with my godchild." Maggie teases.
I smile slightly.
It seems so long ago when I asked her and Glenn to be godparents. Everything has changed since then.
I turn and walk out the door. Fangs sits patiently at the bottom of the porch steps and I rub his head as we walk towards the RV.
"No way! That dog isn't coming with us." Rick complains, sticking his head out the window in the drivers seat.
I ignore him and open the door for Fangs to jump inside.
I close the door behind us and gaze at everyone waiting inside. The RV is cramped and I'm left standing, along with Jenna and Kai. Carl offers his seat but I politely decline.
"Did you not just hear me? Fangs isn't coming." Rick repeats.
"I need him. He's coming. Plus, Clover is scared of him. I mean batshit scared."
Rick finally lets it go and turns back around to start the RV.
I feel the vehicle shake vigorously at the same time that the engine roars to life.
Fangs sits next to me and I decide to sit on the ground next to him. I rub behind his ears, he likes that and his leg kicks out and shakes to prove me right. I smile to myself. "It's been a while since it's just been you and I, Huh?" I whisper for just Fangs and I to hear.
Fangs sits up briefly to lick from my chin to hairline. I swat him away and groan.
"Gross."
I hear somebody laugh and when I look up I see Ezekiel looking down at Fangs and I.
"You two are close?"
I shrug. "We saved each other. Fangs is no ordinary dog."
"So I've seen." He agrees.
"I guess we didn't really get to meet."
"Well I know you've got a big ass tiger."
He laughs at that too. "True."
"Not gonna lie to you, zeeks, we could've used a bit of that today." I admit.
"Not with you around. I've heard many stories about you."
"All bad I'm sure."
He chuckles. "Miraculous actually."
"Well, I would hope so. I didn't come back from the dead for nothing." I joke.
I look up to watch Carol watching us both.
I motion him closer and he bends to hear what I have to say. "You and Carol... what's going on there?"
He laughs.
Why does he keep laughing? What's his problem ?
"Actually, I'm not so sure myself."
I raise a brow in disbelief.
"Well, I'd say that if you hurt her I'd kill you myself but it's Carol, she's probably set you on fire or something."
He smiles. "Unpredictability is what I like about her."
I scoff. "That's one way to put it I guess."
He nods. "Anyways, we've got your back today kid."
I nod. "Thanks."
He sits back down in his seat, leaving me and Fangs to ourselves again.
"Why is Clover scared of Fangs?" Daryl asks from the other side of the RV.
"He used to be her dog. Her family dog but he wasn't treated how he shouldn't been and Fangs killed her husband. When I escaped he took a chunk out of her too."
"So she's injured?" Rosita asks.
I nod.
She chuckles dryly. "That damn dog could be what saves us."
"He saved me." I clarify.
We all wait in silence and I look at the group we have.
Rick, Michonne, Carol, Ezekiel, Jerry, Carl, Jenna, Kai, Rosita, Morgan, Tara, Gabriel, Daryl, Aaron, Beth and Carol.
Fangs starts to whine or maybe he's crying, either way, I've never heard him do that before.
"Shhh." I pet behind his ears again and try to make both of us relax.
"I'm nervous too." I whisper.
I find myself falling in and out of sleep while Fangs rests on my lap.
"I think we're close." I think I hear someone say.
"Somebody wake her up, see if she recognizes anything."
"Maddie, wake up." I hear Kai call me. I feel a slight shake as Kai attempts to wake me.
Honestly, I'm fully awake but my eyes are shut closed in hope that I can go back to sleep and pray this isn't about to happen.
"MADS!" Carl yell at my ear. I jump and my eyes fly open at the same time Fangs jumps to his four feet. Both men have two completely different ways of waking me up.
"What the hell Carl." I yell back at him, reaching to try hit him. I dodged it easily. I groan.
"You're an ass."
"You threw a shoe at me to wake me up." He argues his point and to be honest, he's got me there.
"Does any of this look familiar to you Madison?" Michonne calls me to the front of the RV. Kai helps me to my feet which I have to shake before I start walking. Pins and needles rack up my feet, making me uncomfortable. I hold onto Kai's shoulder as I gain my balance.
"Thanks." I mutter. I stumble up to the front of the RV and look out the window.
I can see the city from here. Large buildings, some still in tact and others burnt down, barely left standing. The City isn't as clean as I remembered it. I remember thinking it was strange how serene and untouched the city was. I mean, it's a city for crying out loud. Atlanta is swarmed with walkers and polluted to no recovery. Still, Washington looks fairly similar to how I remember it.
"Yeah..."
"What? What is it?" Rick asks.
I just shake my head. "It just looks different."
"You just said it's familiar."
"It is but it's still different... take a right here." I point to a cut off road.
We drive slowly, taking the city in.
"It's so quiet." Tara notes from the back.
I nod in agreement.
We drive past large buildings, all different shapes and sizes.
I see something in the distance. I squint my eyes to get a better look. I point to them.
"They're just walkers Madison." Michonne states in confusion.
Two of them stumble towards us.
"It's not that big a deal. Not yet."
I shake my head. "There were no walkers here last time." I murmur.
"None?" Rick asks in disbelief.
"Not a single one."
Rick and Michonne look at each other in confusion.
"We're close." I note.
Things are starting to look familiar now and that makes my stomach spiral. I almost feel like getting sick.
"We should walk the rest of the way." Carol notes.
"Yeah. She's right." Daryl agrees.
Somebody opens the door behind us and I watch as the group starts to pool outside, leaving just Rick, Michonne and myself inside the RV. Michonne squeezes my hand in support before following everyone else outside. I sit in her seat. I feel Rick's eyes watching me as I stare at the ground.
"Nothing's gonna happen to you, I promise." Rick takes my hand in his.
I take a deep breath. "That's not what I'm worried about. Even if I do think my chances of leaving here is very low. She's ruthless Rick. Like nothing we've seen before. I've heard about the governor, I remember Dawn and even Negan... they don't have shit on Clover. She has no limits. She'd kill herself and anyone else in her way trying to get what she wants."
"There's one of her and seventeen of us." He looks to Fangs and shrugs. "Seventeen and half."
I smile but my head feels full, and not in a good way. I feel numb.
"Rick... there's things I haven't told you about this place. Things that happened to me, to other people. Places, buildings, they're like people too."
Rick frowns. "How?"
"They keeps secrets too. And there's some secrets in there that I don't want some people in our group knowing. Not like this."
"Carl will get over it."
"I'm not talking about Carl."
Rick pauses.
"I'm talking about Kai."
"That doesn't make any sense Madison."
"I knew someone important To him in there."
"Oh... you didn't tell him?"
I shake my head. "I tried, so many times but something always got in the way and I used them as excuses to avoid telling him. Even though I knew it was wrong."
"What's going on between you and Kai?" He asks, skeptically.
I shrug. "I, ... I don't know."
Rick nods but doesn't ask anymore questions.
"I promise you we are all making it home together and whatever we have to deal with when we get there. We'll do it together."
"He's gonna hate me." I put my face in my hands.
"No, he's not. He's your friend Madison. You're the only person who really talks to him around here. We should've given him more of a chance but he came to Alexandria with answers to questions we needed to hear and at the same time they weren't the answers we all fully understood. We thought he was sketchy but he was only trying to help. He was hurting too. I think he loves you."
I take a second to process this. There's no way he's in love with me.
Right ?
Instead, I only answer simple to end the conversation.
"You can love someone and hate them at the same time."
Rick pulls me into a hug.
"We're getting what we need and then getting out of there."
I nod.
We walk together out of the RV with Fangs behind us. Everyone is chatting quietly in their own groups. Daryl stands by himself, looking at the city.
Rick and I walk over to him.
"There's a few stray walkers coming our way. I don't see anything else concerning ."
Rick nods at Daryl.
"Let's just get this over with." I say.
We all walk close together to the asylum. I directed them on the short walk until I turn a short corner and see the building. If seeing it wasn't enough to make me freeze on the spot, the herd of walkers roaming inside and out of the building was. I stand there frozen and feel somebody drag my body out of plain sight of the walkers, hiding us behind the corner.
"What the hell Madison?" Rosita gasps.
"They weren't there before. There wasn't a single walker around here." I explain myself.
I peek around the corner and take a closer look. I observe the building until my eyes fall across the balcony where a rope dangles in midair, a hundred feet above the ground, a body attached to it by their feet. I remember being dangled off the rope along with the fear of Clover cutting the rope, letting me fall to my death into a pit of walkers.
My eyes scan the journey of the fall until they land on where the pit should be. I observe the broken gates that contained the walkers. Suddenly everything makes sense. The walkers escaped. When I look at the door to the asylum they hang wide open, walkers pooling in and out of the building. I feel my breathing stop. We're not safe. Something went horribly wrong here.