Excuse any mistakes or grammatical errors.
Nadia
"A note?" I asked. "What kind of note?"
When Malaya said that my mom left her a note, the first thing that came to my mind was a suicide letter. Maybe this wasn't what should have been going through my mind, but the only thing I could think was, 'Why hadn't she left me a note?'. I get that I was only ten, but she was my mother. This just proves that she didn't give a fuck about me.
"Just read it." Malaya rescued me from my thoughts. I looked at the note that she had taken out of her pocket and took it from her hand. I didn't even hesitate to open it. My mother barely spoke to me.
I wanted to know what was going through her head, whether this was a suicide letter or not.
The note wasn't very long, so I wasn't expecting it to have such a huge effect on me. It wasn't until I actually started reading that I realize that I probably would have been better off never seeing it. I was at a good place in my life as far as my mental and emotional state go, but this was going to be the straw that broke the camel's back. I could feel it.
"Why couldn't she just say it?" I asked keeping my eyes on the note. I couldn't see it because my vision was blurred by the tears in my eyes. "She couldn't even write it without being indirect and I want this to be enough because I hate being mad at her, but this isn't enough. She can't fucking tell you to tell me she loves me. That's not the same."
Malaya looked like a deer caught in headlights. I guess she didn't know what to say to make me feel better. There wasn't really anything she could say.
"You know it hurts more that she actually tried, but couldn't." I forced a laugh as I wiped at my tears. "A part of her actually wanted to love me and that makes it hurt worse because she was literally incapable of loving me. She said it herself that she resented me. I was right all along. She did it because of me."
"Nadia, nothing in that note says that." Malaya finally spoke. "She didn't-"
"Everything in the fucking note says that!" I snapped. "She says that she hated herself more everyday that she couldn't be the mother that I needed. I know she had problems before I was born, but don't you think it's one hell of a coincidence that she didn't off herself until she had me? Every negative thing she felt towards herself got worse with my existence. She killed herself because she felt like she was failing me. She didn't have to fucking do that. How come she never understood that her just being here was enough? I never hated her. I was too young to even think to hate her. Why couldn't she have stayed for me?"
I was crying freely at this point. I couldn't help myself. I was in both emotional and physical pain. Everything hurt because regardless of anything, I loved my mother. I always did and I always will.
"I miss her." I choked out. "Maybe I shouldn't because like she said, she was never good to me, but I miss her so much."
Malaya didn't speak. She just wrapped her arms around me and held me as I cried for a woman that was never coming back.
I don't think there is any pain like crying for your mother and knowing that she'll never come. Knowing that she'll never hold you in her arms and tell you that everything is okay. Knowing that she's gone forever.
I don't know how long I cried. All I know is that my head was killing me and I was ready to go home.
"Can I keep this?" I asked referring to the piece of paper that had just rattled my emotions.
"Of course." Malaya said despite looking worried. "Are you okay?"
I had a feeling Malaya already knew the answer to her question, which is why I didn't bother lying.
"No, but I will be." I forced a smile. "I'm gonna let my dad know that I'm ready to go home. Thank you for not keeping this from me."
I stood up and folded the piece of paper before putting it in my pocket. Despite how the words on the paper made me feel, I felt like I had a piece of my mom. Just to know that she held the paper and wrote the words on them made me feel connected to her in some twisted way.
What kind of person latches on to a suicide letter?
"Nadia, if you need to talk or anything you know I'm here. If you find yourself not being able to be okay again, talk to me. Talk to you your dad. Talk to Dani. Just please don't keep it in. I already regret showing it to you because I know how you are before you shut down."
The worry and fear was obvious in Malaya's voice. She always tells me how similar I am to my mom in some ways and I think she's scared that we might have something terrible in common.
Cowardice.
"If I need to talk about it, I will. I promise." I said forcing another smile.
I gave Malaya a hug and left her room before she could say anything else.
-
Daniella
Getting to spend time with my family over the break was great, but I was happy to be back on campus. Not only was I sick of being a third wheel to Aniya and Jayla, but I missed Nadia like crazy.
Nadia and I haven't really been communicating much. We texted here and there, but when ever I called or tried to FaceTime her, she was busy. Distance really wasn't our thing, so I was happy that we were reuniting today.
Once I was settled into my room I rushed to Nadia's room. I didn't even know if she was back on campus because she won't answer her phone. I figured she had a good reason for that.
I knocked on the door and waited for someone to answer. I got excited when I heard the lock clicking, but I frowned when AJ came to the door.
"What's up, Dani?" AJ said stepping aside so I could come into the room.
"Hey, where is Nadia?" I asked looking at my girlfriend's side of the room.
"I haven't seen her. Chastity and I have been here for a minute, so I don't think she's back yet." AJ shrugged.
I pulled out my phone and tried calling Nadia again, but this time the phone didn't even ring. It went straight to voicemail.
Is she mad at me? I haven't even done anything.
"Where's Chastity?" I asked.
"She's in the shower. She should be-"
Just as AJ was speaking, the bathroom door opened and Chastity walked out in a towel.
"Hey Dani." Chastity smiled flashing her braces and I smiled back.
"Hey. Do you know when Nadia is coming back to campus? I can't get in touch with her for some reason."
"I'm not sure. I haven't spoken to her either."
"Can you try calling her? I keep going straight to voicemail." I asked and Chastity walked over to her nightstand and grabbed her phone.
"Wait. Are you two in a fight? I don't want to get in between." Chastity said looking worried and I shook my head.
"If we're in a fight, I have no idea why. I've barely spoken to her since Thanksgiving." I spoke with a little bitterness in my voice.
"Oh wow. Let me call and see if she answers for me." Chastity said scrolling through her phone and then putting the device to her ear.
Chastity frowned before taking the phone from her ear.
"She's not picking up."
"Thank you anyway." I sighed before walking towards the door. "Can you please text me when she gets here?"
"Of course. I'm sure she's just busy or something. Don't worry." Chastity tried making me feel better.
"I guess."
I left Nadia and Chastity's room and headed to my own. I pressed the button for the elevator and sighed at how long it was taking. I was going to just take the stairs, but I turned back around at the sound of the elevator doors opening.
My heart did a little leap in my chest when I saw Nadia standing there with her suit case. What is up with us and this elevator?
"I've been calling you." I said going into the elevator and hugging Nadia. I immediately frowned when she didn't hug me back.
"The doors are gonna close on us." Nadia spoke in a voice that didn't even sound like it belonged to her. The indifferent tone reminded me of the time she shut me out for a month and my stomach dropped. Not again.
"Nadia, what's wrong?" I asked walking backwards out of the elevator since she started to move forward as if I wasn't even standing here.
"You're in my way." She spoke in the same tone and I wanted to scream.
"We haven't seen each other in two weeks and we've barely even texted in two days and this is how you're acting towards me? Did I do something?" I asked and Nadia sighed before letting her suitcase go and grabbed my face.
She pressed her lips against mine and despite my confusion, I reciprocated the kiss.
"Happy?" Nadia said once she pulled away. She grabbed her suit case and tried to walk past me, but I grabbed her arm.
"What is wrong with you?" I asked again and Nadia snatched her arm away from me.
"Right now, you. Damn, can I take my shit to my room?" Nadia asked like I was annoying her and I can't even lie; it hurt. Part of me wanted to just leave her alone to spare my feelings being hurt any more than they already were, but I knew I couldn't do that. Something was wrong.
"I'll walk you there." I tried a different angle.
"I know the way to my room, Daniella." Nadia rolled her eyes.
"Fine, then I'll just walk with you." I smiled. It was forced, but a smile nonetheless.
"Whatever." Nadia said starting the short walk towards her room and I walked beside her.
My heart was literally aching in my chest because my feelings were so hurt. I was pretty sure I wasn't the reason she was being this way, but the fact that she was taking it out on me instead of just talking to me about it hurt. I thought we were past this. She's supposed to talk to me. She can tell me anything. How can she not know that by now? How can she not know that I'm here to make her feel better no matter what is bothering her?
"Are you seriously crying right now?" Nadia asked stopping in her tracks and I frowned, but touched my cheek and sure enough, I was being a little pussy without even noticing it.
"Allergies." I sniffed and forced a laugh.
Nadia didn't look the least bit sympathetic. It's not that I wanted her to be, but sheesh. If I made her cry I'd be doing everything I could to make her feel better. It's like she doesn't even care.
Nadia didn't say anything else. She just started walking towards her room again and I followed behind her like an idiot. She clearly doesn't want to be near me right now.
"We're here." She said once we got to her room. Instead of using her key card to open her door, she looked at me and I could tell from the look on her face that she wanted me to leave.
"Nadia, I don't know what's wrong with you, but whatever it is, you can talk to me about it. I'm begging you not to push me away. You always do this. You always hurt me and this isn't something I want to get used to because it's not okay. I'm not going to allow you to constantly hurt me because I would never hurt you. I'm not going to be as forgiving as I've been in the past."
I was obviously bluffing. It didn't matter what Nadia did to me. I'd always forgive her because I'm in love with her and the thought of not being with her literally makes me nauseous, but I just needed to get her to talk to me.
"I need space, Dani." Nadia's words cut through me like a knife. Call me dramatic, but the last time Nadia needed space,
She didn't talk to me for a month. I can't go a month without her. I barely got through the two weeks we just spent apart.
"I can't give you that." I spoke stubbornly. "You're not shutting me out. Just tell me what's wrong."
"I'm not asking you for space. I don't need your permission to be alone, Daniella." Nadia snapped back and I tried not to get angry with her, but it was hard not to when she was being this way.
"Why do you always do this? You never talk to me about anything and I'm getting sick of it. Every big fight we've ever gotten into has been because you try to shut me out whenever something is wrong with you. Shit like this is why Jayla pretended to cheat on you. Do you not realize how hard you make it to be with you?!"
The words were just flowing out of me and I didn't mean to raise my voice, but I couldn't undo anything. The damage was done.
For the first time since we'd been reunited, I saw some emotion on Nadia's face.
"So what? You're gonna leave me like she did?" Nadia asked and whatever anger I felt instantly vanished when I saw her eyes glossing over.
"She? Who, Jayla? Nadia I would never-"
"My mom." Nadia spoke in a shaky voice. "She left me because she couldn't love me. Why is it so hard to love me?"
Nadia started to cry and I wrapped my arms around her and held her close to me.
"It's not hard to love you. I love you more than anything and I would never leave you."
Nadia's door opened and Chastity looked confused.
"What's going on?" She asked and I didn't even know what to say.
"Can you get her suit case?" I asked Chastity and she nodded her head.
I walked Nadia into her room and to her bed. We sat down and I just held her as she cried. I knew what was wrong now, but I didn't actually know what was wrong. I know that Nadia is sensitive about her mom, but something had to happen for her to be like this.
"We're gonna go to AJ's room. I'll stay in there tonight." Chastity said before she and AJ left Nadia and I alone.
"I'm sorry." Nadia said after just crying in my arms for a while. "I didn't mean to upset you. I just hate feeling like this. I figured pretending not to feel anything would help."
"Nadia, you don't ever have to apologize for being sad."
"I'm not apologizing for crying. I'm apologizing for making you cry and for trying to push you away. I'm apologizing for being so hard to be with. I swear I don't mean to be. It's just-"
"Nadia. Please you don't have to apologize. I was being sensitive because I missed you and you weren't giving me attention. It's not a big deal, but whatever is bothering you is. I'll get over you hurting my feelings, what I can't get over is you hurting. Please tell me what's wrong because I want to be here for you." I said wiping Nadia's tears.
"I should have said something that day. I should have begged her not to, but I didn't do anything. I just stood there. I stood there and watched my mom kill herself and I didn't even try to stop her. And after all this time, to find out that I was right all along. To find out that she actually did it because of me is...it's tearing me apart." Nadia cried. "I hate myself so much and maybe I shouldn't, but I can't help it."
"Nadia it wasn't-"
"Please don't tell me it wasn't my fault." Nadia said taking something out of her pocket. "I've been holding onto this like some sick twisted person for the past week. I've taken it with me everywhere because I've convinced myself that I'm taking her everywhere with me if I do."
I couldn't really see what Nadia had in her hand because she had her hand clutched so tightly over whatever it was.
"What is it?" I asked putting my hand over Nadia's and she finally opened it to reveal a folded piece of paper.
"It's a note my mom left for Malaya before she died. Her suicide letter. I went all these years blaming myself and now I know that it really was my fault. Had I never been born, she'd still be here. She'd be happy. She wouldn't have hated herself."
I hated hearing Nadia speak like this, but I didn't know what to say to make her stop. I didn't want to ask to read the letter because it felt like it'd be insensitive, but I felt like whatever Nadia's mom had written had been received in the wrong way by her. There's no way her mom blamed her.
"Nadia, I can't tell you how to feel, but a person that doesn't love themself can not love anyone else properly. They won't allow themselves to love or even to be loved. Whatever was going on with your mom was because of her. Not you." I tried and Nadia just shook her head and began to cry again.
"She said that she hated herself because she couldn't love me. She resented me because her getting pregnant with me ruined her life. I'm the reason my grandparents kicked her out. I'm the reason she started using drugs. I'm the reason she hated herself. I'm the reason she's gone. She killed herself because of me." Nadia spoke in a taut voice. "Maybe if I would have stopped her that day, she would have just killed me instead-"
"Don't say things like that." I said not able to listen to Nadia blame herself anymore. "Your mom did not do what she did because of you. She did what she did because of her. She loved you. Maybe she just didn't know how to show it and that's what hurt her."
"She said it. She said she resented me. The reason she couldn't love me was because I was the reason everything in her life got so bad."
I wanted to make Nadia feel better, but I didn't know how. I suck at this.
"Did your mom ever tell you she hated you. Did she ever speak those words to you?" I asked and Nadia just shook her head. "Then why do you believe it? She never told you she loved you and you think she hates you, but she never said that either. Your mom did not hate you. She hated what she failed to give you. She hated that she couldn't love you properly. There isn't a single doubt in my mind that she loved you. She just couldn't show it. She couldn't say it. That's hard to do when you don't even love yourself. Maybe it's not a good enough excuse, but that's not your fault."
"You don't know what it feels like, Dani. Your mom loves you. She tells you all the time and she shows it. I don't know what that feels like. I've wanted that my whole life and I'm never going to get it. Do you ever wonder why I spend so much time talking to your mom whenever I'm at your house? That's the closest I will ever get to experiencing a mother's love. I've even found myself wishing she was my mother, but it makes me feel guilty because my mom is dead. And a little weird considering I'm in a relationship with you."
Nadia's words made me think about our parents and whatever they had going on. They'd already said it wasn't serious, but hearing how Nadia felt about my mom made me wonder if it would be so bad if they were.
"Would it make you feel better if she was your mom?" I asked and Nadia frowned.
"Well, yeah, but she's not. Are you trying to make me feel worse?" Nadia asked and I shook my head.
"Of course not. But are you forgetting about our parents? Your dad has feelings for my mom and I believe that my mom has feelings for him, but she feels guilty because of my dad. If they get married-"
"Dani, slow down. You're getting way ahead of yourself." Nadia cut me off. "Our parents are never going to get married. Besides aren't you forgetting something?" Nadia started gesturing to the both of us.
"We could break up."
"Please tell me you're kidding right now?" Nadia said looking like she wanted to slap me. "We're not breaking up, Daniella."
"Nadia, I can't make you feel better. I can't give you what you need, but my mom can. You need her more than you need me. It's not like I won't be a part of your life anymore. We'll possibly live together and-"
"This isn't a movie, Daniella!" Nadia interrupted me. "You're speaking as if our parents' love lives are the most simple thing ever. And again, we are not breaking up. If they get married, we can never get married. I want to marry you one day you idiot!"
Okay so I guess operation Parent Trap is a no go before I even propose it. Besides, the thought of never getting to marry Nadia isn't appealing at all.
"Okay okay. No need to call me names. I just hate not being able to make you feel better. Do you want to call my mom, so you can talk to her at least? Even if she never marries your dad, she'll always be there for you to talk to."
Nadia smiled a little, but shook her head.
"Not right now. I just want to lay down because now I have a headache." Nadia kicked her shoes off and moved so she was laying back on her pillow.
"Do you want me to leave?" I asked and she shook her head.
"No. I'd feel a lot better if you stayed."
I kicked my shoes off and joined Nadia in her bed.
Nadia and I were both just staring up at the ceiling and then she spoke.
"Is it really hard being with me?" She asked and I felt bad all over again.
"I didn't mean that." I said looking at her, but she just kept her eyes on the ceiling.
"Yes, you did." Nadia disagreed.
"Well, what relationship is easy? I'm pretty sure I'm hard to be with sometimes. I just wish you'd talk to me more. I wish you'd stop pushing me away, Nadia. Things get hard when you do that because it's hard being away from you. It's hard not being able to make you feel better when you get like this. That's all I meant by that."
Nadia finally looked at me.
"I'm sorry. I just don't like putting my issues on you. It's hard to let someone be there for me because the last time I did that, it didn't work out so well. I can be a bit much. I know that and that's why I try to distance myself when I get like this. I don't want to place any unnecessary weight on you."
I hated that Nadia felt like she had to keep her feelings bottled up in order to prevent scaring me away. Why can't she understand that I'm not going anywhere?
"I'll take any weight that comes with you. Nadia, I love you. I love every part of you. The good and the bad and I'm not going anywhere. Even if I say stupid shit when I'm mad. I will never leave you. You distancing yourself is what I have a problem with. It makes me feel like you don't trust me. I want to be here for you through whatever you go through, but I can't do that if you push me away."
"I just don't want you to run if I get too bad." Nadia expressed her fear and I turned on my side so I was facing her.
"I will never run. I will never leave you. You were my best friend before we got together and you still are now. And that means that no matter what, I will always be here for you. You can talk to me about anything. And if you don't want to talk and you just need to cry, I'm here for that too. If you just want to sit in silence, I'm here. If you need space, I'm going to hate that because I love being around you, but I will respect that." I expressed.
"I just need you to communicate with me. Tell me what you need and I will do everything in my power to give you that. Don't just start ignoring me out of the blue. Don't push me away." I spoke as I gently caressed Nadia's cheek so she'd know I wasn't upset. "That's all I ask."
"I'm sorry. I guess I have abandonment issues." Nadia sighs. "Well I don't guess, I know I do, but I know I shouldn't be afraid of you leaving me. I trust you, Daniella. I really do. It's myself that I don't trust. I know how likely it is for me to ruin this and even though I try not to I always find myself coming close to doing that."
"You haven't even come close. We might fight and say things we don't mean sometimes, but we can't be ruined." I said reaching for Nadia's hand and lacing our fingers together. "I'm not going anywhere and neither are you. I already told you what I'd do if you ever left me. I'm gonna have to change my name to Joe Goldberg."
"And you call me crazy." Nadia said laughing at my reference to You: a Netflix show.
"We're both crazy. Crazy in love." I joked and Nadia straight faced me.
"You're so corny."
"Sometimes, but most of the time I'm so sexy." I said being even more corny.
"Make it stop." Nadia whined like I was actually harming her with my corniness.
"I can't say corny things if I'm using my mouth for something else." I smirked.
"And now you're being nasty. Typical."
"I just want a kiss. Get your head out of the gutter." I chuckled and Nadia rolled her eyes before giving me what I wanted.
We shared a chaste kiss and then Nadia buried her face in the crook of my neck. I placed a kiss on her forehead and softly stroked her hair.
"Dani?" Nadia called my name and I hummed in response. "I love you."
"I love you too."
I always will.
-
Jayla
Right when we got back to campus it was back to the basics, which meant back to 5am basketball practices. We had an away game this weekend and we were going to be gone the whole weekend. I was fine with that, but I was a little upset that Coach Young wouldn't let Dani and me share a hotel room.
She always tries to separate us because she says we don't focus well together, which is very true. Dani and I can't even be partners for certain drills during practice because we're childish as hell. That's the best way I can put it. In the game we're fine, but other than that, we act a fool together.
We had a good partial week of practices, but once Thursday came, we were on our way to Corvallis, Oregon. I hated bus rides because I always got a headache for some reason, so I usually just put my headphones on and went to sleep. It was a fourteen hour drive and I honestly felt bad for our bus driver.
We hadn't played the school we were heading to yet, we didn't really know what to expect going in. Coach Young usually let us watch film, but she didn't have any since we'd never played them before. It wasn't too bad since they didn't know what to expect from us either.
I was never really nervous about games anyway. We have a pretty solid team, so we should be fine no matter how good this team possibly is. I just hope we aren't traveling to play a sorry team. Blow outs are not fun to play. I don't feel like there's any respect in blowing a team out. I like hard fought wins.
"Can I rest my legs on you? My knees are killing me."
Coach made me share a seat with Parker. We were sharing a bus with the boys team, so everyone had to double up. Girls sat more towards the front and boys towards the back. On the way back, we could sit where and with whomever, but they wanted us to be focused before the game. We weren't playing until Saturday, but hey. They make the rules, we follow them.
Parker let me sit on the outside because I hate the window seat. It's weird, but I have a bad habit of looking out the window when I'm awake and it makes my headaches worse. So I avoid window seats and try to sleep the whole way. Unfortunately, I wasn't very tired at the moment despite us getting up at the asscrack of dawn to leave for this trip.
"Go ahead." I said not really minding if Parker used me as a leg rest. I was willing to sit by the window, so she had leg room, but she insisted she sit there to spare me a fourteen hour head ache. It was the least I could do since she did me a solid.
Once Parker got comfortable, I just rested my arms on her legs and played a game on my phone. As I was playing Basket Brawl, I got a text message from Dani.
Dani Bitch Ass 😂❤️: You and Parker look comfortable. 🤧
I rolled my eyes at her message. Dani was still convinced that Parker liked me. Parker doesn't like me.
Jay-lick-her-right ⛹🏽♀️🏀: Her knees are bothering her. 🙄
Dani Bitch Ass 😂❤️: Well tell her to stay off of them. 🤷🏽♀️
Dani didn't know about what happened to Parker, so I didn't expect her to actually know why Parker's knees hurt, but since I knew, I was slightly irritated by her response even though it was kind of funny.
Jay-lick-her-right ⛹🏽♀️🏀: Shut up. 🙄 Don't worry about what's going on in my seat, hoe.
Dani Bitch Ass 😂❤️: I'm telling Niya. 😤
Jay-lick-her-right ⛹🏽♀️🏀: There's nothing to tell, so go ahead. 🤷🏽♀️ You stay snitching. Witcho 6ix9ine head ahh. 😑
Dani Bitch Ass 😂❤️: He had to do what he had to do and so do I. 🤷🏽♀️
Jay-lick-her-right ⛹🏽♀️🏀: Whatever. 🖕🏽Do what you want. Just know that if Niya beats my ass, I'm beating yours.
Dani Bitch Ass 😂❤️: Eat my ass then. Tf? 😐
Dani Bitch Ass 😂❤️: *Beat.
Jay-lick-her-right ⛹🏽♀️🏀: Miss me with that gay shit. 🙅🏽♀️
Dani Bitch Ass 😂❤️: Bitch we are that gay shit. 🌈 😌
Jay-lick-her-right ⛹🏽♀️🏀: True 🤦🏽♀️.
Dani Bitch Ass 😂❤️: Exactly. G-shit. 🌈💪🏽
Jay-lick-her-right ⛹🏽♀️🏀: You interrupted my game for no reason. So don't expect me to text you back anymore.
Dani Bitch Ass 😂❤️: That's how it is? 🥺 Iight bet. 😤
Jay-lick-her-right ⛹🏽♀️🏀: I still love you. 😘
Dani Bitch Ass 😂❤️: 🖕🏽💔
I chuckled to myself at the pointless text conversation I'd just had with Dani. She's so annoying, but in the best way. Hopefully she doesn't text Niya anything crazy because I don't not want to fight with her over nothing. Parker does not like me.
************
I feel like writing again, so I'll try to have another chapter up soon.
How'd you guys like this chapter?
The next one will be better.
Does Parker like Jayla? 🤔
Thanks for reading!
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