With McKenna's emaciated body still convulsing, she was transferred onto a rolling bed. The doctors shook their heads in disbelief, while Demi was screaming. I'll never get those screams out of my mind. The frantic scream of a mother who can't protect her child.
Helpless.
Something I had learned more in these last few weeks than ever. Demi and I were totally helpless.
If Kenna were to die now... There was so much more I needed to tell her. She couldn't die now, after all she had fought through.
But this was life. Life isn't fair, and people die. This isn't a book where everyone lives happily ever after. I had always thought that everyone I loved around me would live forever. I know it sounds dumb, but I truly believed that my positive energy would save McKenna's life. I envisioned Kenna walking, recovering, singing, and getting to be the actress that she never got a chance to be.
What if that never happens now?
Could life really stop for her? Now? Because I had my life plan, and it surely didn't include my best friend dying.
"Ms. Lovato?" Mrs. Brown, the chaplain was back. To be honest her presence was actually eerie, suggesting McKenna's death was imminent. Demi was hysterical.
"The doctors would like to discuss the situation but they instructed me to help you calm down first. Is that okay?"
I watched Demi gasping for air. She was panicking.
I took off down the hallway. I didn't know where I was going but I needed to get away.
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Alone in the bathroom I was finally calm. I stole more scissors from the hospital play room. It was time I got my hands back on a blade.
My mind was more clear now, before I had barely been able to think straight. Equip with my scissors I felt like I could conquer the world.
I exited the rest room and headed back to where Demi and Mrs. Brown were. They were hugging, Demi sobbing.
That was my place. I had comforted Demi before, and Demi used to comfort me.
When they released from the hug I watched a doctor approach. At closer inspection I noticed McKenna had finally stopped thrashing.
"McKenna had a massive seizure. It was very difficult to stop. Her case is puzzling all of us, we have one of the best teams. But her case is very very difficult. On this scale, and under these circumstances we honestly don't know what the consequence of a seizure like this will be on her. We do know that the seizure was triggered by stress and anxiety. Her MRI was clear, her brain stem is healing. That is very good news."
"So what you're saying is she had a seizure because of anxiety?" Demi cried.
"Yes."
"And you don't know how it's going to affect her? Can't you test it?"
"When she gets back to her room we will wait for her to wake up, and then re-attach her to the EEG."
"How can you stop this from happening again?"
"She will get a constant IV of medication, along with her nutrition, and fluids."
"So she's going to wake up? Right?" Demi pleaded.
"There's no guarantee. But we have reason to believe she will."
"What does this mean for her being transferred to LA?"
"As long as the EEG shows no changes she is set to go."
"Thank you." Demi closed her eyes. "Would it be possible to start her back on pain medication?"
"We will go ahead with that. Pain causes stress so that may be a cause of the seizure."
I was furious. Demi let Kenna suffer in pain and worry. She knew that McKenna was not getting pain medication. She just didn't tell me that. Not only had Kenna been hurting this entire time, but her mind had been slowly killing her.
I scowled at Demi while she ignored me.
"Are you fucking kidding me?"
"What?" Demi made eye contact.
"You said she was being taken care of!" I screamed.
"Cece stay out of this."
"You're supposed to be her advocate. She can't speak."
"The doctors assured be that she didn't need it."
"Why don't you wake up and look at your kid?"
"Cece!"
"Just go to hell Demi! Let McKenna die!"
"Oh my god! Do you have no sense of what I'm going through? Let me explain-"
"Fuck you Demi. I'm done."
In a way finally telling Demi that I was done made me feel better. No more worrying about making up with her. No more stress about McKenna. If she died she died. I had done everything I could.
Eventually I went back upstairs to Kenna's room. When I entered Demi exited.
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After hours of waiting Kenna finally opened her eyes. My numbed heart softened. My baby was back. Demi was sleeping in PICU waiting. Leave it to her to miss the moment.
"Bestie..." I rubbed her forehead. "How are you feeling?"
She stared back at me, a blank expression on her face. She had always been able to talk to me with her eyes.
Something was wrong. Something was seriously wrong.
"Kenna? Can you hear me? Blink."
Her eyes glazed over as she stared blindly away from me.
"KENNA!"
I watched in horror as her eyes rolled to the back of her head.
"HELP! HELP! SOMETHINGS WRONG"
A nurse rushed into the room. She reached for McKenna's wrist frantically.
"MCKENNA MCKENNA! I LOVE YOU! PLEASE COME BACK TO ME! PLEASE!" I sobbed, throwing myself onto the ground, in hysterics.
The nurse carefully set McKenna's wrist down and quietly walked over to her ventilator. She solemnly turned it off and proceeded to undo her IVs.
"Stop! Stop please!" I screamed.
"Sweetheart. McKenna passed away."
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