Before o wrote this I just wanna make a request.. Keegan, Mia if you are here and reading this please don't read this chapter if you 2 were my friends you would respect that I trust you 2 not to read further than this
It has been awhile since i last updated and I guess I'm just writing to help me and help me sleep at this point a few weeks ago CPS was called I don't care about that much at the moment though about a week ago I noticed that I was lonely but soon realized I was suffering from loneliness for a few months almost half a year I have an imaginary friend now but again that is not as important to me now 2 days ago I went to this person I really don't know what her occupation was I was just forced to go and I really wish now I did not have to go bc I hate that person that I saw she broke me you may say that I'm being dramatic but hear me out she asked me a few questions I usually answered with idk bc they were questions about how I felt on situations then she noted something that no one else picked up on.. she picked up on how I was numbing my feelings .. I cry and I laugh... but I don't feel anything idk if that is normal or anything bc it has always been like that. Don't say "oh your only saying that for attention" or "oh you just want to be special" bc no that is stupid and idiot as if I would lie to myself in my own journal but the person I saw and everyone I meet just assumes I want to change which I don't since I have been this way my whole life I am scared of what happiness and sadness feels like if there even is a feeling that comes with happiness and sadness bc at this point I'm just kind of assuming thing but ever since I have met with that person there has been a constant pain in my heart and I HATE it it is the worst feeling ever and I just want it to go away but idk how to make it go away the reason I did not want Keegan and Mia to read this is bc I never felt love towards anyone either not even my parents and the very thought of feeling of love exists scares me I don't want to feel those thing there is a reason why I don't feel stuff like that and it is not for attention or to be a special snowflake I know that it is a cause from my experiences in life I'm just scared of those feelings I can feel anger and annoyance but everything else I really don't know I say I love bc I'm I should feel that way I say that I hate bc ik I should feel that way but I don't and I don't want to feel that way ever
And if Keegan or Mia if any of you have read this far you have betrayed my trust and I have a feeling one of you have