Ronnie hadn't breathed a word since we left home to head for court, Today was the first day of Ronnie's court Trial and the tension that leaked from him was unbearably i was afraid to even breathe anything to him especially about about Lil'Radke i was scared wit-less, Kasey had scolded me on the phone last-night telling me that Ronnie needed to know, it wasn't that i didn't want him to know it was his reaction i feared, since we got together Ronnie had made it clear that he didn't want children just yet hell i didn't want any children until i saw my Lil'Radke but now i did this baby meant alot to me and i wanted it to mean alot to Ronnie to, Five days i held off telling Ronnie and it just got harder but today i was going to have to tell him especially if i might not see him for awhile he needed to know about Lil'Radke.
Ronnie pulled into a parking spot outside of L.A court house unbuckling his seat belt he turned to look at me "Baby, I know everything has been stressful, if it seems like i was blaming you im not im just worried about going back to prison", Ronnie reached over running his fingers through my hair.
His touch always made me shudder "I know Ronnie", I sucked in a shaky breath "I understand".
"It no excuse that i took the head off you all this week, I love you baby and i would defend you every-time even if it meant going to court", Ronnie looked deep into my eyes as i turned a shocked expression onto him.
"Lets try to avoid courts as much as possible", I reached up taking his hand and kissing it.
Ronnie smiled leaning forward kissing me gently, "I made a good choice making you my wife, your just so calm and understanding", Ronnie nuzzled his nose off mine.
I flushed, we may only now each-other not very long but i had a feeling we would spend our life's together, with Lil'Radke i added silently in my thoughts.
Ronnie watched me "Baby is something on your mind?", he frowned.
"No-um why would there?", I was still lying always lying i felt guilty.
"Because when you deep think you do that lip biting thing, for the past few days you have been quiet and biting your lip", Ronnie raised his hand up to my lip loosely pulling it from my teeth.
I gave him a shrug of my shoulder and looked out the window, i should tell him i should tell him now, i had to he was going to be a daddy in 9 months it wasn't something i could hide forever, how would i explain a big bump?, i was alright at the moment but 3 months down the line i would be starting to show, i was about to open my mouth when Ronnie checked the clock on the dash board.
"Baby we better go inside i don't want to show up late", Ronnie brushed his fingers down my cheek before getting out of the car, I Stared after him feeling all sorts of emotions, fear being the biggest one, Ronnie leaned down looking in at me frowning, "Your coming right?".
"Of course i am", I hastily got out of the car alittle to quickly and felt my stomach roll, this pregnancy was hard on me everyday of every hour i felt nauseated i hadn't got up sick but i spent along time in the bathroom retching.
Ronnie took my hand as i joined him around the side of his jeep and lead me into the huge court, the inside was all marble walls and wooden floors, he lead me up a few stair cases to court 4 where his trail would begin, His solicitor Davis stood awaiting for him they talked about what Ronnie should say and just keep his mouth closed about they where still talking about what not to say when i left for the bathroom to freshen up, on my way back Ronnie was alone again.
"Wheres Davis?", I walked forward sitting down beside him on the wooden bench.
"Hes gone to look over my files and talking to the judge", Ronnie didn't look up from his phone but he took my hand.
The baby! The baby! you have to tell him, I thought i frowned inwardly feeling scared, i must have been holding Ronnie's hand to tight because he looked up at me and turned around in his seat pulling me into his arms.
"Liisa, hey don't worry", Ronnie rubbed my shoulders, "It will go OK, Davis is a excellent top notch lawyer, i got the best everything will be OK i promise". Ronnie cooned.
"Don't promise what you cant keep", I whispered shaking, everything was starting to build up inside and i knew this wasn't good for the baby, or fair on Ronnie he needed to know, "Ronnie", I began but couldn't finish.
Ronnie grabbed my chin pulling my face up to meet his "What?, Liisa tell me i know there something up", he leaned forward resting his forehead against mine, "You can tell me anything baby".
Could i? or would he just flip out?, "Promise you wont get mad?", i said abit to quietly but Ronnie heard me, He studied my face for along time before straining a Nod, "No you have to say it".
"Liisa just tell me", Ronnie started to look annoyed now.
"You got to promise first", OK he wasn't promising anything maybe i shouldn't tell him.
Ronnie sighed letting go of my chin "Fine i promise", He rubbed his forehead in circles.
"I-i'm" I paused gulping back the bile in my throat feeling sicky again, oh god why couldn't i just say it, tears sprung to my eyes.
Ronnie annoyance simmered down when he seen me upset "Baby", he leaned forward kissing my cheek "Just tell me please", his voice was quieter now more understanding.
I couldn't turn back now he knew something was up if i got it off my chest the burden of the lie would be lifted so i let it all gush out "I-i'm Pregnant", there i said it i finally did it, it was to late to take it back and just as it came out of my mouth the heaviness lifted.
Ronnie stared at me for along time not really saying anything he looked like he was frozen in spot, he was about to speak when Davis interrupted him.
"Mr & Mrs Radke there ready for you, if you will follow me?", Davis gestured to court 4 and retreated.
Ronnie got up to his feet dragging me along behind him, his face was neutral i needed to know how he felt.
"Ronnie" I breathed but he cut me off.
He turned his deep brown eyes to me "We will talk about this when we get home", He said simply and the way he said it he didn't sound all to happy about what i told him, my stomach tightened with a horrible feeling as we walked into court 4 for the first day of Ronnie's trial...
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The legal stuff was all confusing i didn't understand anything and Ronnie just went along with it all like he was used to it, but i could see the fear in his eyes, fear of being charged with the assault of Craig, speaking of Craig he was there too all beaten up he didn't look smug he just sat quietly with his solicitor, after court Ronnie drove back home in a tension filled silence it wasn't until he closed the house door behind him that he spoke.
"Your Pregnant?", Ronnie shook his waist coat off and loosened his tie.
I watched his movement cautiously i didn't know what to expect or say so i just gulped and nodded.
"Your on the pill how is that even possible", his deep browns burned as he walked towards me resting his hands on his hips.
"I-, When i was sick, the medication it knocked out the pill", my voice shook.
Ronnie laughed raising one of his hands up to press his temple "Please tell me your joking Lis", Ronnie shook his head.
"No i went to the doctors he confirmed it", i quickly reached down for my bag for a distraction, i didn't like the way this was going.
"How long have you known?", Ronnie stared at me dumbfounded.
"Uh-about five days", i stammered i couldn't open my bag, my hands shook to badly.
"FIVE FUCKING DAYS?", Ronnie suddenly shouted before grabbing my hand "What are you looking in your bag for, look at me", his grip hurt me
"Ronnie, that hurts" I whined trying to pull my hand free from his grip but he didn't let go.
"You knew FIVE DAYS?, fucking Christ Liisa I hope your not seriously thinking of keeping it", Ronnie pulled me closer to him tightening his grip on my arm.
I cried out "Let go" i shoved at him he was beginning to scare me the look in his eyes was unbearably.
Ronnie stared at me, "What happened to waiting until you were thirty", Ronnie said alittle more calmer, but i seen the look to his eyes he was still pissed.
"It was a mistake Ronnie, i didn't know the medication would tamper with my pill", The tears began to well up in my eyes.
Ronnie eased his grip on my wrist but kept hold of it his voice still low "You cant be more then two weeks", He said softly nodding his head.
I looked at him now realising what he meant by that in other words abortion i held my breath shocked and slightly angry, "Ronnie no, listen if you just see the scan", i tried to turn and reach for my bag but Ronnie pulled me closer.
His hand raised up catching my chin as he stared into my eyes "Please tell me you are not keeping it", his words came out a growl.
I shook "Ronnie if you just see Lil'Radke then", he cut me off.
"I DON'T WANT TO SEE THE DAMN SCAN" Ronnie shouted into my face as his fingers bit into my cheeks.
Never ever has Ronnie touched me like this before it really hurt, i shoved at him again taking him off guard and stepping back, Suddenly my stomach twisted and i felt the pang of sickness rise, this was not the time for being sick.
Ronnie frowned watching me turn green "Were not ready I'm not ready, Liisa our life's at the moment is fucked up enough as it is", Ronnie reached out for me his expression somber, "either get rid of the baby or I'm leaving", Ronnie stroked my face.
I couldn't hold it anymore i ran off towards the bathroom just in time to vomit into the toilet hurting my knees in the process, i cried out holding onto the toilet lid while my whole body convulsed, i didn't look up but i felt his eyes watching me as i continued to keep retching.
"See what its doing to you, Liisa we have enough on", Ronnie voice drifted from outside of the bathroom.
I shook my head not listening there was no way i was getting rid of Lil'Radke. "No", i breathed through a gag.
Ronnie went quite for a second before answering "No?, NO?".
"No", I looked up to Ronnie gulping back the sour taste in my mouth, my eyes set "I ain't getting rid of our baby", i gasped sickly.
Ronnie eyes clouded over as he stared down at me, his hands curled up into fist, "so your choosing that over me", he said shocked.
"No" i lifted my head up more "Ronnie i love you, i love this baby i want both of you", tears ran down my face as i tried to get to my feet.
"Well you cant have both", Ronnie fumed.
I stared long and hard at him through clouded eyes, i was about to open my mouth when he punched the wall i flinch and hold my breath.
"Fuck this" Ronnie said as he stormed off down the hall.
I stood still for a second before racing down the hall after him "Ronnie" I shouted, the front door shut behind him as he left me alone in the house, quickly i ran over to the door pulling it open watching as his jeep skid off away from the path.
i stood there with tears in my eyes shaking, he just left, he left me here, slowly closing the door over i sank down against the door feeling the tears burst out and the horrible wrenching cry escape from my lips this is what i feared, i feared Ronnie leaving me and hating Lil'Radke and that's what he did, slowly i crawled over to my bag pulling out the Scan looking down at our baby that he was so angry with my tears dropped onto the picture of Lil'Radke i placed my hand to the end of my tummy and continued to cry, my cries echoed off the walls of the empty house...