"Howdy." I smiled a the big lady with red hair, standing at the door.
"Oh hello there, children. My, there sure is a lot of you. My little bubby didn't tell me you'd all be coming so early." She said.
"Eh, I don't blame him, it's kinda short notice." I said. She laughed.
"Well, I suppose you can come in." She said, moving so the five of us could walk in. Craig and Tweek were still holding hands, which was a good sign. My little group of Pringle guardians was really coming together. But I knew just this wouldn't be enough to stop Cartman. I needed the team to be even stronger. With Tweek on our side, Craig was bound to stick around, but Token and Butters was a different story. Especially Butters...
"Woah... what are you guys doimg here?" Kyle asked in surprise. I looked at Craig and Token, wondering if they had anything to say, but lucky for me, they kept their mouths zipped.
"They're joining me on official business." I smirked.
"Business? For Cartman??" Kyle seemed pissed all of the sudden.
"No, dingus. Well yes, but I just convinced Cartman to let me take them onto our side." I said.
"How??" Kyle asked.
"Just a little manipulation." I said with a shrug.
"No, really. How??" He asked again.
"Jesus, Kyle. Chill out a little..." I said, "I just uh... told him that I would... give him the Pringles..."
"WHAT??"
"But, I mean, come on... you know I don't actually have the Pringles." I insisted.
"Still, dude!! What if he comes searching us??" Kyle questioned.
"Hold on, Kyle. Think of all the upsides to this." I said, making him finally pause to listen to me.
"With him believing we have the Pringles, he'll postpone all of his search party's. Especially because of the fact that I have all of his search parties here. Plus, I told him I'd only give them up if he found out who summoned man-bear-pig. So he's currently doing tons of research to find out!" I smiled. Kyle looked surprised.
"Wow... you've already got this all figured out..." He said.
"Damn right, honey. Anyway, I also got Tweek and Craig back together, so hopefully that makes things easier." I said.
"Actually, we got ourselves back together..." Craig said as he rolled his eyes.
"Y-yeah!!" Tweek nodded, still clutching into his palm.
"But who's the one who dragged you from Cartman's to go make up with him?" I looked at Craig.
"Oh... it was you..." He said, looking at the floor.
"Wow you got them back together? They've been arguing for a while now. The girls were even thinking this might be the end for them..." Stan said. I turned to him.
"The girls?" I repeated.
"Yeah. You know, the girls at our school? I mean, they got the idea from the asain girls, but we don't usually hang out with any of them because girls are lame." Clyde began.
"Clyde!!" Kyle whispered angirly, gesturing to me, the only girl in the room.
"Oh no... I get it. Girls can be lame. Always talking about ponies and stickers. And their problems. And their.. boyfriends... uhh... And Snapchat. Ugh." I rolled my eyes after getting weirdly sad for a moment, "I've never been much of a fan either. That's why I kick it with you dumb chumps all the time."
"Uh... thank you?" Stan said in confusion.
"Anyway, Tweek and Craig are totally fine now, so don't worry about it. Now, let's get into something more interesting. How's your research going? You guys have been up all morning." I smiled.
"More like all night." Clyde rubbed his tired eyes.
"Well, we've been reading up on all sorts of stuff, but all of the books we've been looking for aren't at the town library. We checked like thirty times on the computer." Kyle said, sounding exhausted and hopeless.
"We're never going to find those Pringles..." Stan said. I looked at Token, Craig, and Butters, who knew that I knew where those Pringles were. And then I looked at Kyle and Stan, who were oblivious to that knowledge. A true delema, on my part. What was a gal to do to keep a fucked lie like this going? I needed to talk to Kenny... Maybe it was already getting close to that time where we finally spilled the tea.
"Well... you guys should probably get to that. If you really think you won't find them. Maybe start coming up with a plan B while Cartman's being stalled." I said.
"Okay. Like what?" He asked.
"Oh, I don't know... killing Man-bear-pig. I'm sure you could come up with some elaborate plan while I'm away." I smiled, heading for the door again.
"Hey, wait a second!" Kyle shouted before I could leave, "Where are you going this time? Everytime you somehow get us closer to the Pringles, you want to dissapear again while we're still stuck here trying to figure shit out!!"
"Good observation, Kyle." I smiled, opening the door to his room.
"But wait!!" He said again before I could dash away. He walked up to me with a glare, getting up in my face.
"Why?? Why do you keep running off, where are you going, what are you hiding??" He asked again.
"Listen, Kyle... I like to think of it as... working behind the scenes." I smiled.
"DOING WHAT??!!" He screamed, before I pressed my finger against his angry Jewish lips.
"Shh, shh, shhh... hush now, Kyle. I'll be back later, I'm going to find Kenny." I smiled. He grew frusterated.
"Fine! Then why don't you take Butters with you??" He said. I looked at the little blonde boy who grinned at me again. Kyle was trying to make sure I wasn't lying, or doing something shady. Good thing Butter's was an adorable half-baked biscuit.
"Oh, alright. Come on, cutie." I smiled back, making him jump with excitement.
"Whoo hoo!" He said. Kyle was rather shocked that I was so willing to let him tag along.
"See you soon, boys." I said, before leaving with him out of the house. We walked down the street, and over the tracks as always. When we got to the little house, and I knocked on the door, no one answered.
"Looks like nobody's home." He said. Oh sweet, spontanious Kenny. I wondered where that rascal went. Then I heard the faint sound of shoveling from the back of the house. I quietly made my way over, trying not to cause too much attention, in case it was Kevin, or some psycho drug addict. But Butter's kept shuffling the gravel under his shoes.
"Butters... pick up your feet!" I whisper yelled.
"Wh- I can't, beautiful Y/n. They're stuck on my legs here, see?" He said, lifting up his leg.
"Ugh. Stop being a dork." I told him.
"Hey Y/n." I heard Kenny's muffled voice from behind me. I turned to look at him, and saw him holding the shovel. I smiled.
"Kenny!" I exclaimed.
"Hey Kenny." Butter's stared him down.
"Hi Butters." Kenny replied, lowering his eyebrows too.
"What're you doin' with that there shovel...?" Butters tried to be threatening, but his childish tone just made him look like a kitten standing up to a bull dog.
"Burying stuff. Obviously." Kenny said.
"Oh." Butters said.
"What were you burying exactly, Ken?" I continued to grin, wrapping an arm around his shoulders.
"Well I'd love to tell you, but... It's a secret." Kenny said. I smiled so wide that my face felt like it was going to crack. I squealed with excitement and hugged him. He wrapped his arms around me and I began to whisper at the side of his orange hood.
"I got Cartman to get us a full-operation search for the summoner of man-bear-pig, by bribing him with the Pringles. Of course, they're safe where you hid them... But we've got this in the bag, Kenny!! I'm also working on getting Craig and Token on our side." I whispered.
"Wow... you've been busy..." He said. I pulled away to smile at his eyes again.
"I know!!" I squealed in a whisper, grabbing onto the front of his parka, "And honestly, I'm not even planning this shit. Totally winging it. But get this... once we can get enough people on our side. Maybe even your whole class-"
"Wait... you're going to start going to school with us?" Kenny asked. I looked at him in surprise. Then I had to think about it.
"Well... uhh," I smiled slightly, "Oh! But.. Kenny... I almost forgot... Cartman said Man-bear-pig is coming on the fourteenth..."
"Wait... what?" His eyes widened in surprise.
"What're you guys talkin' about?" Butters interrupted, gazing at us both skeptically as I held my hands against Kenny's chest.
"Oh... nothing, Butter Nuts..." I said jokingly, making Kenny snort. But Butters seemed totally enthralled with the nickname.
"B-Bh-Buh-Butter Nuts?" He repeated, his sky blue eyes just twinkling with attachment. I giggled at him slightly, and he hugged my arm.
"Uhh... okay, Butter Nuts, calm down." I said again. Me and Kenny both shared another quiet laugh, but Kenny's seemed a little more forced than mine the second time.
"Hey Kenny. Do you know where I put my bottle of gasoli-" Kevin paused when I turned to look at him coming around the corner. At first we just gawked at each other in surprise. But then I glared at his messy face, drunken.
"Hey!!" I pointed at him, squaring up as I prepared to charge, "You stole Kenny's drugs!!"
"Uh..." He glanced away.
"I knew it, Kevin!!" Kenny yelled at him too.
"Bastard!! I'll kill you!!" I screamed, running towards him. He dashed away before I could catch him, but I wasn't giving up so easy. I ended up chasing him down the block. He ran through the snow, panting as the three of us trailed him. I was so wild about catching him that I was practically foaming at the mouth. Finally we grew near the basket ball court. He jumped onto the fence, struggling to crawl up, but I ripped him down by the legs so he'd fall to the ground.
I got in top of him and punched him in the face. Then, after waiting his face immediately start to bruise, I punched him again. I didn't know what had come over me, but it was fun!! The exhilaration was inspiring.
"Don't. Take. My. Shit. You. Stupid. FUCKER!!" I hit him again and again, until Kenny finally caught up with us and pulled me off.
"Calm down, that's my brother!!" He said. I let out a rough breath.
"Phew! Sorry..." I giggled.
"But you deserve it, asshole." Kenny kicked him while he was down.
"Ooghf- point... taken..." He grunted.
Butters ran over, heaving and wheezing like he just ran four miles without a rest.
"Don't worry fe- huh- fellers... I-I'm here--" He had to stop talking, just to swallow and pant some more.
"Woah... did... you do that to him??" Butters looked at me with surprise after a moment.
Suddenly something caught my ear from inside the ball court. I saw Karen. I was going to yell hello, until I notice the girls talking to her. Their faces were twisted all ugly as they seemed to be yelling in her face. Karen started yelling too, but got shoved backwards as a result. The group of girls started ganging up on her. Karen swung her fists, but didn't get much out of it, as they all started grabbing her and hitting her in the head and stomach. I stared in shock before I heard Kenny gasp.
"KAREN!!" He yelled, looking around for something that could help her. Then he grabbed my arm.
"Hey! You're a girl! GO BEAT UP THOSE LITTLE WHORES FIGHTING MY SISTER!!" He yelled.
"Okay!" I smiled, running to jump the metal fence. When my feet hit the ground, I ran up to the little fifth grade girl pulling Karen's hair. I lifted her from the ground, and she squeaked like a mouse being snatched by a bird. Then I threw her so hard against the court, you could hear her skin smacking against the asphalt. The other girls gasped when they heard it, backing away from the stunned Karen. Suddenly I grabbed one of the other girls by her pig tails, making the rest of them scream and run away. The other girl slipped from my grasp, and the first girl sobbed as she picked herself off of the ground.
"Yeah, you better run you prissy little snowflakes!" I yelled as they scurried out of sight.
"Wow!! That was awesome!!" Karen beamed, dusting off her shirt.
"Thanks. I know it was a big crowd, but you have to learn to fend for yourself, kid." I said, moving the strands of hair out of her face.
"Think you can teach me?" She grinned, showing off her missing teeth.
"Of course." I smiled back.
"That was awesome!!" Butters put his hands in the air as he ran over.
"Karen?? Are you alright?" Kenny questioned as he came over.
"Yeah! Thanks to Y/n." She smiled at me again.
"I know..." Kenny looked at me, "That was... really cool of you."
"Wow! Hehehe- you just slammed that little girl right against the ground!" Kevin let out a dumb laugh.
"Look at you guys. The whole family is here! How precious. And uh... Then there's Butters." I said, looking at him last.
"That's me!" He smiled. I looked at Kenny, who was still staring at me intently. I smirked at him, and his eyes seemed to flutter a bit. Then Kevin pushed me.
"Hey!" I glared at him.
"You think you can just punch me and get away with it??" He asked me. I rolled my eyes.
"Leave her alone, Kevin!" Kenny jumped in front if me.
"Yeah!" Karen added.
"Pft. Whatever Kenny, you're just defending her because gave you pussy the other night." Kevin glared, making Kenny very angry.
"Go home. You're drunk." I said.
"I'm not drunk! You're drunk!!" He yelled back, getting his liquor-smelling spit on my face.
"Oh yeah? Well if you're not drunk... Then that means you can't walk to the store and steal some more liquor." I said.
"Hell yes I can. Act- actually... that's not a bad idea." He said, before turning to walk to the store.
"Dummy head..." Karen shook her head.
"Well, at least he's leaving... Karen what happened?" Kenny asked.
"Oh... just mean girls making fun of me again. But don't worry. I don't let them get to me." She smiled proudly. Kenny laughed, ruffling her hair.
"Good." He said.
"Remember though, if you ever need help, just call us!" I smacked my fist into my palm, giving her a wink, "I'll be here in a flash." She smiled at me.
"Okay! Oh, and, hey Kenny... I was meaning to ask you..." Karen began, smiling at me suspiciously.
"What?" Kenny looked a bit skeptical.
"Is Y/n going to be my new sister in law??" She smiled, making Kenny go red around his nose and cheeks again. I giggled as I watched him scratch the back of his head in discomfort.
"Great question Karen! What do you think, Kennyyyy?~" I playfully poked him in the side, making him giggle.
"NO WAY!!" Butter's yelled, barging between us both, "Y/n is MY girlfriend!!" Karen gave me a weird look.
"It's a long story." I smiled.
"...And a dumb story..." Kenny grumbled, almost too quiet for me to understand past his hood.
"What was that, Ken?" I asked him.
"I said that I love big floppy titties!" He told me agirly, making Karen and I laugh.
"Come along, m'lady. We should be getting back to Kyle's house soon. Away from this poor, dirty, smelly family." Butters said bitterly, dragging me away by the wrist.
"Uhh.. alright, dickwad... Come on, Kenny!" I said.
"Bye Karen. Love ya." He said, following after us.
"Bye Kenny! Thanks again, Y/n!" She called.
"Yep!" I called back once more. Butters started to mutter something, squeezing my wrist like his arm was a metal chain, binding me to him so I couldn't escape. I looked at Kenny, who wasn't very pleased with Butters' way of handling me. I just shrugged, and went with it to keep the little guy's tight trust. I watched Kenny's fingers fidget in his mittens though, as he glanced a couple times at my hands.
Soon we were back at Kyle's place. When we walked into his room, he was nearly paralyzed over the fact that I actually went to get Kenny. But he quickly got over it.
"Good. You're back. Now we can't get back to business on finding the Pringles." Kyle said, "Kenny, I think you, Tweek, and Craig should check around Starks pond. Stan and I will check out town again, and Token and Clyde are gonna head straight for the schoo-"
"Wait, a minute, Kyle." I said, making him look at me in surprise. I looked at Kenny again. He was the only one out of everyone in this town that new the full length of my plans. Every detail, even about who knows what about what. He turned back to his friends, thinking of what he should say exactly.
"We're going to start following Y/n' s lead from now on." He said. Kyle was speechless.
"What? Why?" Kyle questioned.
"Yeah... why?" I smiled shyly at him.
"Because she's actually really good at this, and so far has furthered our progress better than all of us put together, over the two days she's been here." He said. I blushed.
"Yeah... I thought we've been following her the whole time..." Token said, looking around all confused. Everyone started kind of agreeing with him, except for Kyle.
"What? But how?? All she's been doing is sneaking around and talking to- Cartman!" Kyle said, "Should we even trust her? I mean, what if she's planning something?! What if she takes the Pringles once we find them?"
"Uhh... She told us she already has the Pringles. And she's hiding them from you, too." Craig blurted. I gasped as I looked back at him.
"NARK!" I yelled.
"Well it's true. You told Cartman you had the Pringles and you'd give them to Kyle if Cartman didn't figure out the summoner. She also said we couldn't tell you that she knows where someone's keeping them. She's supposed to be double-crossing you, and siding with Cartman!" Token explained. I rolled my eyes and crossed my arms. What a bunch of insensitive dick-fucks.
"HA! See?? She isn't trust worthy!" Kyle said.
"Guys. She was obviously making that up so Cartman would listen to her. It's called a double-double-cross." Kenny vaguely repeated my words from last night. I stared at him and flashed my teeth in awe.
"And you guys are already here, so you might as well be siding with us." He mentioned. Token and Craig looked at each other. Craig also glance at his boyfriend, who was nearly hugging him at this point.
"Well... to be completely honest, I can't stand working for that fat asshole anymore." Token said.
"Me neither," Craig agreed, "And yeah, Y/n is pretty good at this. Even better than you guys."
"Awe. You boys flatter me." I waved my hand at him.
"The thing is, we've been going at this all wrong. The Pringles aren't the threat as long as they're hidden! It's man-bear-pig! Once he comes here, if the town's in pieces over those Pringles, it'll leave him with a huge advantage... No one will try to stop him..." Kenny explained.
"Holy shit, dude..." Stan blinked.
"Guys, Man-bear-pig will come regardless on if the Pringles are found! That's why I told you- We need to start coming up with a plan to kill him, or try to find the summoner of Man-bear-pig so we can kill them. Cartman told me that Man-bear-pig will be here on Valentine's Day. The day of love! It's all in the proficy!!" I said.
"She's right, dude... Cartman taking over with the Pringles is only a distraction from the real disaster..." Stan told Kyle. He looked at the floor in thought, then finally sighed in defeat.
"Fine... Y/n..." He looked at me, then he sighed again, "What should we do?"
I smiled smugly at him.
"I thought you'd never ask." I said. We got out the paper and markers and started writing shit down. We made theories on where MBP might come in at. Where he'd first be spotted. We drew out scenarios on how we could plan our attacks. We could wait, or we could move in on him. We decided that we could find the perfect moment to attack him from behind, or get him from above, but Kyle and Craig kept insisting he was too strong. We made plans on how we could retrieve the right weapons, and decided we could try to break into the Government-run weaponry just a day's walk away from town. Bikes could get us there even faster.
We could sneak in and steal a bazooka, or harpoon of some sort. It all seemed totally far fetched on paper, but all of the boys repeatedly insisted that we could easily pull it off. So I gave in and drew it in for them. We would carry it back by hitch hiking a semi-truck.
Everything was going smoothly, planning wise. We made up a couple scenarios to keep us prepared. Everyone got a couple of their own ideas in. Finally, Kyle straightened the bundle of papers up and kept them binded together with a paper clip.
"Nice." I said.
"This is the most we've written down out of our own heads since we've started looking. The rest of what we write has just been notes on man-bear-pig..." Clyde said, rubbing his temples.
"Yeah, it's kind of refreshing to finally be moving on to a different topic instead of constantly worrying about the Pringles..." Token nodded.
"Agreed." Stan smiled, making me laugh.
"I guess you guys are right... I just... don't see what makes you two so confident about the Pringles being hidden..." Kyle said.
"Dude, we've literally looked everywhere already." Kenny reminded him.
"But we haven't! I haven't given up yet." Kyle said.
"But Cartman has. He's searched all of town. He even killed Al Gore. He's so desperate for answers, he's willing to devote all of his time into finding the summoner, to somehow speed up the process of getting to those Pringles." I said.
"Wow..." Kyle looked down, genuinely surprised over my manipulation skills, and knowledge over the situation.
"Face it, dude. This is a- hrnn- way better plan!" Tweek twitched.
"Okay, okay, it is a better plan... Fine, but..." Kyle said.
"But nothing." I told him, "Kyle, I get that you're use to being in charge and all... But this one's mine. I promise it's nothing personal. I'm only trying to help you guys."
"Yeah. She's only trying to help, Kyle." Kenny said. Kyle sighed, awkwardly looking at the ground again.
"Yeah, Kyle! Isn't my girlfriend the coolest?" Butters said out of no where, causing everyone to just look at him in silence. Kenny narrowed his eye lids, raising a judgmental brow at him.
"Uhh... sure Butters." Kyle said.
"Um... Okay, guys. Here's the full dealio on Cartman. He thinks that I'm pretending to be apart of your work. He thinks you're still working on the Pringles case, and that I actually have them hidden so you have no chance of finding them. Now he's working on finding the summoner. He's distracted." I explained.
"Jeepers! This whole thing has been a crazy roller coaster. First you were against Cartman, and then you're against Kyle, and then you're against Cartman again!" Butters smiled.
"Shut up." I said, before pecking him on the side of his head.
"Whu- hokay!" He zipped his lips after going all dumb. Kenny started tapping his fingers against the desk he was sitting at, looking away from us both.
"Right. So. I'm thinking, once we can get enough people on our team, we can start setting up our defense." I said.
"Okay. All we have to do is wait for school tomorrow." Kyle smiled at Stan, who nodded.
"And I think I'll be joining you." I said. Everyone looked over at me in surprise. Especially Kenny.
"Really?" Kyle asked.
"Sure. We need all the help we can get. Even from the girls. And being there to unite the genders is what I'll do best." I said.
"But why would we need help from the girls?" Clyde asked.
"Yeah, I don't think they'll want to listen to us." Craig said.
"Wait!! We're getting more girls on the team? That- AAHH!! That's so much pressure!! What if they start asking me about my sexuality agaim??" Tweek flipped out.
"I don't know if that's a good idea." Stan agreed.
"You guys, calm down." I said, "This is exactly why we need girls on our team. They aren't completely terrified of the opposite gender, like you all. Hopefully..." I said that last part under my breath.
They all looked at each other in surprise.
"Come on, guys. Girls are emotional, sure. But sometimes they are way more mature than you guys, and way more level headed in dire situations. You just need to get over it, and be men! Don't you remember who you put in charge?" I pointed at them each.
"You." I turned and looked at Kenny, who started at me with admiring, encouraging blue eyes. I smiled.
"That's right." I said, putting my hands on my hips.
"Alright. We'll leave it to you. For now I... guess we should just keep a close eye on Cartman." Kyle thought, resting his cheek in his hand.
"AHH! Uh... hey guys... what's that??" Tweek said after staring out the window to try and calm down. I got up and stopped by his side to take a look for myself. I blinked when I saw Timmy sitting in his chair, staring up at me through the window. It was kind of creepy... it made me wonder why he was also at Kenny's house this morning... I looked over after feeling a hand on my shoulder. I saw Kenny's wide eyes, staring down at Timmy with what seemed like fear. He looked at me and blinked.
"What is it? What's out there??" Stan asked.
I opened the window, letting him see me fully. He didn't move, or switch expressions.
"HIII TIMMY!!" I yelled, waving at him. He still didn't move.
"Phew! Lovely weather we're having! Am I right?" I yelled again, smiling as I waited for a response. He still just sat there. I looked back at the boys. Token and Kyle shrugged. Kenny was just concerned about the whole situation.
"Uhh... HEY! We're still trying to figure stuff out about those Pringles, you wanna join us??" I yelled. He finally turned his chair and started rolling away. I sighed in relief. I guess he was just wondering what we were doing.
Kyle came up and shut the window.
"That was close... I think. Isn't he still working with Cartman?" Kyle said.
"Yeah dude, I think so..." Stan said.
"Well, as long as he doesn't know what we're up to, we should be okay." Clyde looked around at everyone.
"Oh man... oh jeez!" Tweek continued to shake as Craig placed a hand on his back.
"It's okay, Tweek. You're safe." Craig told him.
"Well. What now, guys?" Token asked.
"We could play some video games," I said, "I saw your XBOX in the living room, Kyle."
"You like video games??" Clyde's jaw dropped.
"Yeah, well I stole a PS3 a few years ago. Then it broke. But it was fun while it lasted." I shrugged.
"Well, I have a lot of games. We could play Fallout 76." Kyle said.
"Overated." I said.
"Uh... Call of Duty?" Kyle suggested.
"Dude, I've played that game so many times it burns my eyes." I said.
"Well, what about GTA?" Stan asked.
"Beat it." I said.
"Overwatch?" Token suggested.
"Hmm... nah." I smiled.
"Awe come on! Those are some good games!" Clyde frowned at me.
"I know, I know! But hey, what can I say, I'm picky." I shrugged.
"Wh-maybe we can all play a game of Fortnite?" Butters smiled.
"Shut up, Butters." Everyone said.
"Awe hamburgers." He stared angrily at the ground.
"We could play some Red Dead Redemption 2." Kenny suggested, making me look at him.
"Hell yes!!" I smiled.
"Of course you pick that game..." Kyle rolled his eyes.
"You're just mad because you know I'm gonna kick your ass, online!" I smiled, running down the stairs.
"What- awwwe!!" Kyle grumbled, as they all quickly followed me.