Lee Jieun.
The first name that came to Taehyung's mind when he saw Jennie with her boyfriend in the cafe.
Not Jeon Jungkook, not Choi Yoojung, not Parl Jimin, not even Kim Seokjin. It was Lee Jieun.
He had seen her address before. On a form that they had submitted in class. And he had remembered it, not knowing that a day like this would come when he needed it.
But today, he did.
He got onto the bus that took him from the cafe to Jieun's house. Bus 93. The bus Jieun always took from school when they separated. It hit him how much he knew about her.
He found a seat in the back of the bus, staring into the sky. The weather was good, unlike his mood. His mind wandered, and he thought of Jimin and Yoojung.
I hope they're getting along well.
Taehyung caught himself. Here he was going through yet another heartbreak with the same girl in the past more than one and a half years, and he was still thinking about someone else.
What others thought was a gift, was actually also a flaw. Taehyung had a great temper. He was fun-loving and extroverted, and got along with pretty much everyone in class. He hated showing his raw emotions to others. He had to be strong.
He was always excessively thoughtful about others. So thoughtful about others that sometimes he forgot how to consider himself. He recalled the time when Jimin had forgotten to bring a pencil for the exam. He had lent Jimin his pencil selflessly, totally forgetting that he only had one pencil. It was only during the exam when he realised that he was screwed.
But on hindsight, Taehyung knew that he would have done the same thing even if he knew he only had one pencil. Because he was selfless. He didn't even tell Jimin what happened. He didn't want him to feel bad.
Because of he always seemed to be happy, no one ever knew that he had his own problems too. He wasn't happy all the time, but he wanted to look happy, at least. He wanted to spread joy to others. And it did, most of the time. When Yoojung got mad, he always made fun of her, because after they quarrelled for a bit, Yoojung would eventually feel better, since all her anger would have been let out on him. No regrets.
The sun was already setting. Taehyung sat on the bus for hours, going around the area over and over again. He had probably passed by Jieun's house by now, but he didn't care. He didn't have the energy to care. He saw the same buildings over and over again, so the bus would eventually get somewhere.
Taehyung stared into the sunset with tears in his eyes.
He had spent his whole life thinking about others, always being considerate, that he had forgotten about himself. He had spent so much time trying to break down Jungkook's walls, getting to know Jieun, matchmaking Yoojung and Jimin, handling Seokjin's problems with Jisoo and Byulyi... that he had forgotten his own problems existed too. His own desires existed too.
He liked Jennie, but for the 8th time over the past one and a half years, she had gotten a boyfriend. People say 8 is a powerful number, and Taehyung felt the same. This heartbreak felt different from others. The last 7 heartbreaks, Taehyung had spent alone, crying under his sheets or like this, taking a loop bus round and round town.
But this time, Taehyung wanted it to be different. It was time to put some change in this cycle of heartbreak when she was attached and regaining hope when she was single again. She was never going to have feelings for him and he knew that, but never had the courage to admit it. It was time to... let go.
Taehyung willed his tears to fall, but somehow, they didn't. It was as if his tears were so used to being held back that he had lost his ability to cry.
Taehyung pushed the button above him, and the "bus stopping" sign lit up in red. Just like how he was sitting on the bus going in loops, not knowing where his destination was, he had spent the last 18 months going around in circles, in search of a relationship that never existed and would never exist. It was time to break out of this cycle.
As the bus came to a steady stop and Taehyung stepped off the bus, he spotted a familiar yellow building. The one Jieun had showed him before when he asked what her neighbourhood looked like. Taehyung marched towards that direction, his destination clear.
He was always used to giving others strength, but not today. Today, he wanted to break out of the cycle and rely on someone for strength.
~
"Kim Taehyung?" Jieun stood at the door, her face in shock. "What are you doing here at this time? Why are your eyes-"
Jieun stopped short, because at that moment, Taehyung threw himself into Jieun's arms, taking her by surprise.
"Wha-"
"Just a moment, just for a while." Taehyung hugged Jieun tight and closed his eyes.
Human touch.
He used to fear it so much because it made him weak. But he couldn't be weak. He need to be strong, for others.
But today, he wanted to be weak. To be vulnerable in front of someone he trusted.
He squeezed Jieun tight. The smell of her hair made Taehyung feel better immediately. Just the idea that someone was there for him made him feel not so... alone.
Taehyung heard a cough coming from inside the house and looked up. Jieun's parents were seated at the dining table, halfway through dinner, and had been watching the two of them the entire time.
Oh, crap.
Taehyung let go of Jieun immediately, blushing from head to toe. "Annyeonghaseyo," Taehyung bowed for ten seconds, as if that would do anything to make up to Jieun's parents when a random guy enters their house and the first thing he does is hug their daughter. "I'm really sorry for interrupting," he added.
He expected Jieun's father to immediately run after him with a knife or something, but he simply smiled. Jieun's mom even came the door, with a huge smile on her face.
"Who's this?" Jieun's mom asked Jieun gently. "Wah, he's even more handsome up close, huh." She turned to Taehyung. "Would you like to come in to have dinner with us?"
Taehyung rejected kindly. "No, not at all. I'm extremely sorry for interrupting your dinner. I just wanted to talk to Jieun for a while."
"Oh, sure. Take her," Jieun's mom smiled warmly and winked at Jieun. "Take all the time you want!"
"Mom!" Jieun glared at her mom sternly and pushed Taehyung out of the door. "We'll just go down for a walk. I'll be back soon!"
She closed the door behind her. She made eye contact with Taehyung and patted his shoulder. "Are you alright?"
Taehyung almost nodded out of habit, but he made special effort this time. He shook his head.
"Come, let's go," Jieun grabbed Taehyung by the arm and limped towards the elevator. Her ankle still wasn't fully well yet. "Let's go down and talk."
Taehyung looked down at her foot. "Are you sure..."
"No problem, I feel much better already," Jieun smiled reassuringly.
The two walked to the playground downstairs in silence.
"So... what happened?" Jieun asked. She had bought each of them a can of coke and they were now sitting on the swings, side by side. "Tell me."
Jieun hadn't seen this side of Taehyung before and to be honest, she was taken aback, but she was trying to stay calm... for him.
Taehyung could already feel his tears coming. "I found out Jennie's dating a new guy."
"Oh," Jieun didn't know what to say.
She had heard from Yoojung countless of times about how Taehyung had a massive crush on Jennie, but she didn't know how massive until today. She also hadn't been there every time Jennie got attached or broke up with each boyfriend.
"It's the 8th time," Taehyung sighed, taking a huge gulp from his can of coke. "And it sucks."
It suddenly hit her what a horrible friend she had been, not even bothering to ask Taehyung about it the whole time they had been friends, when he had always cared so much about her. She was the one that sucked.
"Each time was more painful than the previous time, Jieun," Taehyung confessed. "I wish I could get drunk, but I'm still a minor." Taehyung laughed, but even his laugh was full of sorrow.
Jieun didn't know how to comfort him at all, too. She really sucked.
"You must think I'm pathetic, huh, Jieun." Taehyung laughed woefully. "Even I think I'm pathetic. I pretend to be happy all the time, but inside, I just am like everyone. Full of nothing but flaws."
Jieun didn't know what to say. But she had to say something. Just be honest, Jieun.
"No, I don't think you're pathetic at all," Jieun said softly. "You're actually one of the most amazing people I have ever met."
~
"What did you say?"
"I'm not good at talking, Taehyung. In fact, I suck." Jieun laughed, swinging back and forth on the swing. "I've also heard people telling me I suck at comforting people. I only know how to speak the truth all the time and sometimes the truth hurts. I guess you probably don't know about this, because if you knew, you wouldn't come looking for me."
"Go on." Taehyung was listening intently, his swing still stationary.
Jieun sighed. "My whole life, I have always taken from people when it comes down to words. Never receiving. That is why I was so amazed when I got to know you better."
"Me?" Taehyung sounded like he was in disbelief, as he stared at Jieun swinging back and forth.
Jieun smiled. "Yes, you, Taehyung. You don't know about this, but you're really good at comforting people. Every single time I'm sad, I would talk to you and end up laughing before I know it." Jieun laughed. "That's your strength, Taehyung."
She was right.
"Everyone has flaws and this may sound cliché, but that's precisely what makes us human," Jieun continued. "You said that your flaw is that you always pretend to be happy on the outside even though you're sad on the inside... I agree."
Taehyung swallowed hard. He could feel tears in his eyes.
Jieun stopped her swing for a while, putting a hand on Taehyung's shoulder. "You don't need to pretend to be strong all the time, Taehyung. That's what friends are for, aren't they? Like how you cheered me up when I was hit by rotten eggs, how you taught me that I should be unapologetically me, all these are what friends do for each other, aren't they?"
Taehyung nodded slowly, so that his tears wouldn't flow out.
"So anyway, back to... Jennie." Jieun thought for a bit. "I can't be the one telling you whether to press on or let go. That is a decision you have to make by yourself. But just know that whatever decision you make, I'll be standing right by you." Jieun smiled, squeezing Taehyung's shoulder slightly. "You hear me?"
Taehyung swallowed hard.
"Just let it out, Tae," Jieun said softly. "You don't have to pretend to be strong all the time. I'm your friend, I would never ever think you are pathetic because you show any weaknesses. And neither should you. It's your flaws that make you unique, Tae. It's your flaws that make up you, as a person. It's your flaws that make us all love you more and more each day.
Tears fell.
Jieun pulled Taehyung's swing closer by the chain, pointing to her shoulder and smiling kindly at Taehyung. "For you."
For the first time in many years, Taehyung cried. He sat there for a long time, he didn't know exactly how long, but he sat there for a long time, his face burried in Jieun's shoulder, his tears and snot flowing out from his eyes and nose, for once not caring about what anyone thought. It was as if all the tears he had been holding for years were all finally coming out.
Jieun laughed, patting his head gently. "That's right, just let it all out. Tomorrow your eyes will swell so bad, but you'll feel much better inside. Just cry."
And Taehyung cried some more.
At last, Taehyung had cried so much he was exhausted and finally stopped. He got up, and Jieun let go of the chain, her arm extremely sore, but her heart swelling with joy that she had just consoled a friend.
"If you ask me, that weakness is actually a pretty good weakness. That's why, I said you're one of the most amazing people I've met." Jieun gazed at Taehyung reassuringly. "Everything's gonna be alright, Tae. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Where am I going! I'm going off topic!" Jieun laughed. "See, I'm a terrible speaker.
Taehyung shook his head, dabbing the tears off his face. "All those people were lying."
"What? What people?"
"Those people who told you you were bad at comforting people."
"Really?" Jieun laughed. "Was I that good?"
"Not good, but passable," Taehyung joked. "At least you got the tears out of me."
"You!" Jieun punched Taehyung in the shoulder. "I sacrificed two hours of my night talking to you and that is how you repay me?"
Taehyung chortled. "I'm just kidding." His face became serious. "But really, your talk really helped me a lot, Jieun. Thank you for that. Can I have another hug?"
"Anytime, Taehyung," Jieun stretched open her arms and hugged Taehyung tight. "You can always count on me."
Up in the house, Jieun's mom and dad peeked out of the window, sharing a binoculars. They grinned at the sight of the two of them hugging under the faint moonlight.
"So... that's the guy our Jieun talked to on the phone that night when I was asleep?" Jieun's dad asked excitedly. "The one with the secret."
"I'm 99% positive, hubby." Jieun's mom peered into the binoculars. "He's so handsome."
"And polite," Jieun's dad added. "I wouldn't mind him as our son-in-law..."
"Okay, but what if it's the 1% that it isn't the phone guy?" Jieun's mom put down the binoculars dramatically.
"Ah, whatever," Jieun's dad laughed. "Our daughter is so wonderful, she wouldn't have any problem finding a wonderful guy."
"You're right."