TRIGGER WARNING: This is about my personal struggle with anxiety, suicidal thoughts, and depression. If you or a loved one is experiencing any of these, please get help. You are not alone and there will always be someone willing to listen to you. Stay strong, you are loved! ♥︎
<https://m.soundcloud.com/pls9ravn/pleasedontsuicide>
^ I'll talk about this later.
For the past few years, I have been struggling. I have not been formally diagnosed with depression or anxiety, but I have been diagnosed with RAD (reactive attachment disorder) and autism (high-functioning). I don't want to reveal my age, but to my close friend reading this, it started in 2015/16.
The pressure from school began to tear away at me. I wondered if I'd ever make it. Would all this work pay off? Would I even have a future? I guess it got to a point where I wondered if anyone cared. Would it matter? Is living even worth it when we all die eventually? Life is just one big suffering cycle and it doesn't matter where I drop out. That's what I thought.
The darkest year was probably 2017. I was entering one of my hardest school years. The pressure to impress people academically to secure my future was overwhelming. There were many times where I sat in bed in the dark and wondered if I should just end it. But I was too scared. I fear pain, yet accept death so easily. You die when you're supposed to. I guess there was a part of me who wouldn't accept taking my own life. Instead, I hoped something else would. The time never came...
I spent the year apathetic about everything. I was never truly happy or sad. There were times when I forced myself to smile or cry for my own sake. To convince myself I was still human.
Eventually, 2017 became 2018 and I was thrown into yet another year of school. At the beginning of the 2018 school year, I began to acknowledge my mental state. I started to dig deep within myself and find the source of my sadness. I even began to open up to my close friend.
Even now though, I still have my low days. There's still days where I find myself forcing tears out cause I know they'll have to fall eventually. I'd rather cry alone. These are things I never talked to anyone about. Not my family, not my friends, not even my therapist.
I've been seeing a therapist for years now, on account for my RAD. I've grown a lot, but I still hide things from her. For some reason, I don't think she'll truly be able to help me at this point. She always says predictable things, things I've heard her say for as long as I've seen her. I've tried all that, I need something more.
I think the reason I hide these things is because I don't want to feel like a burden. And even when I share them, no one can truly understand. My circumstance is a bit rare, in short. Most of my pain stems from my past trauma.
Recently, I've been working hard to keep up my mental state. Taking more breaks between homework, taking relaxing baths, listening to music, and writing. Things that help me relax. I'm trying to spend more me time since I've spent too much time focusing on others. It seems I've only been living to ensure others' happiness.
I've realized that there are parts of me I can never change; I've come to terms with that. But I can do whatever I can to make life as comfortable as I can for myself. Live my best life.
That brings me to the main point of this chapter. Many of you have probably dropped out by now, but I thank you if you've read this far.
Youngjo's song on SoundCloud. I think it's original (correct me if I'm wrong), I've googled around and found nothing like it. I just heard it today. I started crying when I heard it.
It reminded me of my personal journey I've been going through. It reminded me that, despite all that I've gone through, there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Always.
I loved that the line "please don't suicide" is in English. It's like youngjo wanted to speak to, not only his Korean audience, but most people. To me. It really reminds me to keep living.
I don't know when it was made, maybe around a time youngjo was struggling as well, but I found it at the perfect time. Maybe you'll ask if when I was suicidal would've been better, but I think not. I think that now that I've survived that dark time of my life, it's a reminder that I can survive. That if I ever have another low time in my life, I can push through. Heck, I've done it before. It also reminds me to be thankful. I'm thankful that I didn't take my life at that time, that I'm still here today.
If I had left then, I would've never found this song. I would've never really sat down and thought about my hidden past, I would've never had this epiphany moment.
Today, I'm thankful for life, no matter how crumby it may seem. I'm thankful that I've gotten to meet so many wonderful people and that I've discovered so many talented artists. I'm thankful I've discovered youngjo and the rest of the we/us team; they are people I relate to a lot.
And to youngjo, I don't know what was happening when you made this, I don't know what's happening now, and I may never truly know you but: I still love you. I'm happy you shared this song, no matter the reason behind it. I love you and I wish the best for you, always.
Please listen to his song. Thank you for everything. You are loved no matter what, always remember that.
UPDATE: I believe it's an original by youngjo and kim jaehyun also on SoundCloud.