Dutch Van der Linde X Female Reader
Summary: Dutch wants to make amends.
Word Count: 4200
18 months have passed since you left the camp, since Dutch sent you away. Your child was now nine months old. You hadn't heard from Dutch since that one letter that he left on your doorstep, apologising for what he did. However, he did still leave you money every month, making sure to leave extra if he thought that he wouldn't have time to drop by with more money. He always left you enough to make sure that you were comfortable.
But you hadn't actually seen or spoken to Dutch since you left the camp. You still kept in touch with Arthur, sending letters back and forth occasionally. He never really gave you too much information about the gang, just enough to assure you that they were all fine and keeping you up to date on anything important, but Arthur mostly asked about your child.
You bounce your child on your hip and stick your tongue out at them, making them laugh as they tugged on your shirt excitedly.
Your attention was then caught by a knock at the front door. You sighed as you placed your daughter down in her cot, pressing a sweet kiss on the top of her head and assuring her that you will be back soon before walking over to the front door.
You fixed your hair and straightened out your clothes before pulling the door open, only to completely freeze at the familiar face. Honestly, you felt a little lightheaded when you saw who was standing on the other side of the door.
"Hello, Y/N" Dutch greeted you, clearly he felt awkward but you just about managed to hear what he was saying in the first place.
You were finding it hard to speak but you somehow managed to find the words. "What are you doing here?" you asked. You weren't going to play nice, tell him you missed him and asked him how he had been doing. No, you just wanted to know what he wanted from you.
"No 'hello'?" he asked, tilting his head to the side.
"I don't know if you deserve one..." you shrugged, shifting your weight onto your other foot. You were tempted to just shut the door in his face.
"Well, I definitely deserve that" Dutch sighed, hanging his head and staring down at the ground.
"So, I'll ask again. What are you doing here?" you asked.
"Do you know that Arthur knows more about my child than I do?" he asked you, looking up to meet your gaze again.
"Yeah I do. That would be because he actually asks, he kept in touch" you shrugged. You didn't feel bad about telling Arthur more than you told Dutch. Arthur asked, Dutch didn't. Dutch lost the right to make you feel guilty when you he kicked you out of the camp.
"But he didn't fund you, he didn't give you financial support" Dutch reminded you and you instantly wanted to slap him.
"Money? Is that why you're here? Well, don't worry about it, you'll get your money back. I have arranged for people to watch my child while I work, I'm searching for a job. I'll pay you back as soon as I can. The last thing I want is to be in your debt" you scoffed. You tried to close the door but Dutch placed his hand on it, pushing it open again.
"I don't want the money back. That was for you and our child. All I'm saying is that I deserve to know more than Arthur" he sighed, trying to explain himself a little better.
"You had that chance, Dutch. You didn't want it...but now Arthur is making you look bad, right? So you want to fix your image. Well, i'm not interested in helping" you shook your head.
"...he won't tell me anything, he says that I don't deserve it and he is probably right" his voice came out quieter than you had expected, like he was actually ashamed of what he did.
"I never asked him to not tell you, that was all his decision" you shrugged. Again, you wouldn't let him make you feel guilty.
"I'm not here to argue with you, not at all" Dutch sighed but you didn't respond. "People miss you at camp. We've gotten used to your absence but you're still missed. I miss you" he confessed but you only scoffed, obviously not believing him. "I mean it" he tried to convince you.
"I've missed you all for so long. I don't even know how I'm able to look at you right now" you admitted.
"Neither do I" Dutch confessed, he was honestly amazed that you had told him to leave and never come back yet. After a moment of silence, Dutch spoke again. "...are they...?" he asked, seemingly not able to finish his question. You knew that he was referring to your child as he glanced over your shoulder, as if he would be able to see them from here.
"Inside? Yeah..." you finished his question before answering him. You knew what he was going to ask next and you honestly didn't know how you would answer him.
"Can I...can I meet them?" he asked. You had never seen Dutch hesitate when he wanted something before, you had never seen him seem so small.
"Why are you suddenly interested?" you asked, still not knowing what made him change his mind after 18 months. That is a long time to avoid you before just showing up at your door and asking to see your child.
"I've had a lot of time to think and you were definitely right. I've...changed. You told me that and so has Arthur, John, Hosea. Everyone saw it except me. I want to make things right. You living away from the gang, somewhere safe...I still think that is for the best but I definitely went about it the wrong way" Dutch explained and you decided to let him continue. "You had nobody and I should have been here for you. You had to go through it all alone and I know that the money I left wasn't the kind of support that you needed" he finished but there was a crucial part that he was missing out, that you needed to hear.
"If you're here to apologise, do it or just leave" you huffed. You wouldn't let him get away with not apologising, he at least owed you that.
"I've never been good at accepting when I'm wrong, even worse at admitting it...I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything, I don't know how you could forgive me because I was awful to you. However, I would like a relationship with my child...if that's okay with you" Dutch apologised properly.
"...okay but on my terms. It's a trail basis...if you mess up, I'm allowed to kick you out and tell you to never come back here" you nodded. This was the only way you felt comfortable letting Dutch into your home.
"Deal...thank you" Dutch smiled, seemingly genuinely grateful but all you did was nod.
You stepped to the side to let Dutch step inside before you closed the door behind him. You silently led him up to your bedroom, where your daughter's cot was. You walked into the room but Dutch paused in the doorway when he saw the little girl. She was standing in her cot, using the railing to hold herself up as she looked between her mother and the stranger.
"A girl...I have a daughter" Dutch spoke more to himself than to you as he smiled softly. You just watched him as he smiled to himself.
"Her name is D/N" you told him, still a little hesitant about this whole thing.
"...it's beautiful, she's beautiful" Dutch told you, without taking his eyes off of his daughter.
You walked over to the cot and picked your daughter up, holding her on your hip. "Hey sweetie, this is a friend of mommy's. His name is Dutch" you introduced her. The little girl waved at the man before hiding her face in the crook of your neck. "She's a little shy...don't take it personally" you told him. "Come on, lets go to the lounge" you said before walking out of the room.
Dutch followed you down to the lounge. You both sat on opposite sides of the sofa awkwardly, neither of you really knowing what to say. "Would you like a drink?" you asked politely, even if the atmosphere was uncomfortable and tense.
"Yes, thank you" Dutch nodded with a small smile.
You paused, considering something as you glanced between Dutch and your daughter. "Would you...would you hold her while I get the drinks?" you asked.
"Yeah, of course" Dutch nodded again but this time his eyes lit up. You really didn't know what to think at this point.
You handed D/N over to Dutch before walking to the kitchen. Dutch sat his daughter on his lap, so that she was facing him. She was staring up at him, like she was trying to decide whether he was a friend or someone to be afraid of, while he looked down at her in awe. This was his child...
"Uh, hey, D/N. You don't know me but I'm your father. I know I haven't been around but it's not because I don't care. I was going through a real...well, a lot of people told me I was losing my mind but I'm feeling much better now. I've seen the error of my ways, if you will. I want to make it up to you and your mother if she can forgive me, if you can forgive me. I'm sorry, I definitely owe you an apology but I'm sure your mother took good care of you. You have a good mother" Dutch spoke to the child. He knew that she wouldn't understand him but it was just something that he felt he had to do, even if she wouldn't remember it. Dutch shook his head and chuckled to himself, feeling a little foolish for giving a speech to a 9 month old child.
"You didn't understand any of that, did you?" Dutch asked. D/N just stared at him before smiling and make a gleeful noise, making Dutch chuckle to himself.
You smiled a little to yourself, having heard everything Dutch said from the kitchen. You sighed before walking back into the lounge with the drinks. You placed them down on the table in front of the soda before sitting in your previous seat. When your daughter saw you, she babbled and made grabby hands at you. Smiling, you carefully took D/N from Dutch and kissed her forehead lovingly.
"Can I ask for one more favour?" Dutch asked, knowing that he was already pushing his luck.
"You can ask but it doesn't mean I'll do it" you nodded, letting D/N play with the cuff of your shirt.
"That's fair" Dutch nodded before asking the favour. "Do you think I could stay here for a while?" he asked and you definitely weren't expecting that.
"What?" you asked, your eyes going wide in surprise.
"I'm sure the camp will be able to run itself for a while and...I don't want to leave her just yet" he confessed before waiting for an answer from you.
There was a short silence before you answered him. It took you a while to even decide whether you would let him stay or not. "...you can stay in the guest room" you nodded, hoping that you wouldn't regret this.
"Thank you, you won't regret this" Dutch assured you with a smile. He was just as surprised at your answer as you were, but he was extremely grateful.
You just nodded before standing up and leaving the room, going to put D/N to bed for the night. Dutch sighed to himself as he ran a hand over his face, he hadn't expected to just show up and for everything to be alright. He was amazed and thankful that you had even let him through the front door. He knew that he didn't deserve it but you were helping him anyway.
After you finished putting D/N to bed, you returned to the lounge. "We need to talk" you told Dutch as you sat on the sofa next to him.
"Of course" Dutch nodded, he knew that you would both need to talk some more.
"I am so angry at you" you told him, a little abruptly. Dutch was a little surprised, not by what you were saying (he expected you to be angry at him) but he was a little surprised by the way you said it. "I have been so angry at you for so long. I tried not to be, I didn't what to burden myself with being angry at you but I couldn't help it. I thought that if I ever saw you again I would shout at you, slap you, tell you to go to Hell before slamming the door in your face...but I never did any of that. I invited you into my home, let you see our daughter, I'm letting you stay here...who does that?" you asked, stating to get angry at yourself.
"I'm as surprised as you are but I'm thankful. I don't know how to prove that I want to be involved but I am going to try" Dutch assured you, wanting you to know that you made the right decision.
"I love that little girl so much, she is my world. If you ever hurt her...if you come into her life just to leave again...I will hate you and I will never forgive you" you warned him, that would be something that you could not forgive.
"This time...I'm not leaving and I'm not sending you away. I have spent so long wondering what you were doing, how you were, what our child was like, if you were both okay. I've regretted what I did for so long" he told you.
"I'm giving you the chance to make up for it, to prove to me that you are serious about this" you reminded him.
"I will, I promise that I will" he assured you.
"Goodnight, Dutch" you nodded at him before standing up and walking towards the door.
"Goodnight" Dutch nodded back at you before you left the room to go to bed.
Dutch never liked the feeling of not having control and right now you had all of the control. He knew that he had too do this at your pace, he understood that. He had a lot to make up for and he would think that you were a saint if you forgave him for everything. He was ready to put the effort it, to be a father to his daughter. He was determined to do this right, he wasn't going to mess it up this time.
-----
You walked down the stairs of your house with D/N in your arms, smiling at her and laughing when she cooed back at you. You gently kissed her nose, making her scrunch it like a rabbit would before laughing along with you.
You walked into the kitchen before pausing to process what you were seeing. Dutch was making breakfast and you were definitely surprised.
"Good morning, I hope you don't mind but I made us some food" Dutch greeted you both with a smile as he placed the breakfast plates down on the dining table.
"No, that's fine. Thanks" you smiled at him as you walked further into the kitchen.
"If you want to relax for the day, I can watch D/N" he offered, making you pause.
" Dutch...just slow down, okay? Making breakfast is a good start but it isn't enough to make up for what you did" you sighed as you took a seat at the table.
"I know, I'll do it though" Dutch assured you before taking a seat opposite you.
"You're so stubborn" you rolled your eyes. You still weren't sure whether this was a good idea or not.
"I'm determined" Dutch corrected you, flashing you a smile before starting to eat the breakfast that he prepared.
-----
Dutch wandered through the house, looking for you. He called your name but you didn't answer, he couldn't seem to find you or D/N anywhere. He opened your bedroom door, wanting to see if D/N was in her cot, but that wasn't the sight that he was greeted with.
He could only smile at the the sight. You were laying on your bed, on top of your sheets, sleeping with D/N in your arms. She was sleeping on your chest, both of you looking completely relaxed and content.
Dutch could only watch in awe. He couldn't believe that he sent this away, he could have had this life but he ruined it by sending it away. How could he have done that? If he didn't already regret it, he definitely did now.
This was what Dutch wanted to be apart of and he didn't know how he didn't see it earlier, maybe it just took seeing it to realise that he wanted it.
Something within him wanted to join you both on the bed, to have that pure domestic bliss moment. But he left instead, wanting to give you your privacy and space. Dutch quietly closed the door and decided to do some chores around the house, hoping that it would help you out.
-----
You walked into the lounge before stopping to take in the sight in front of you. Dutch was sitting on the floor, his back resting against the sofa, with D/N sitting between his legs while she played with one of her toys.
Dutch smiled as he played with her, making her laugh as she handed him different toys to play with while babbling.
You smiled softly before walking over to them, both of them smiling up at you when you got closer. You sat down beside Dutch and lent back against the sofa as well.
"Having fun?" you asked them both. D/N responded by smiling widely and squealing happily before she handed you a toy to join them.
-----
You just finished checking on D/N, who was sleeping in her cot, before you started to look around for Dutch. You stepped outside, since he wasn't in the house, and saw Dutch sitting on the steps of the porch.
The cool night air hit you as you closed the front door. Dutch took his attention away from the stars that lit up the sky, looking over his shoulder when he heard you close the door.
"I'm not used to seeing you look so...defeated" you said as you sat down beside him on the steps.
"I'm not used to feeling so defeated" Dutch confessed, turning his attention back to the trees in front of you both.
"You're doing good, by the way. D/N likes you, I'm enjoying your company...don't feel so defeated" you reassured him, smiling softly at him.
"So...you think we could make this work?" he asked, looking at you with a hopeful look in his eyes.
"I hope so but, to be honest, that's up to you. If you can balance life with the gang and life with your daughter, then sure. I don't see why not. But I won't come back to the camp. I love the gang, a lot. But this is our home now and I want to raise D/N here" you warned him, not wanting him to get the wrong idea.
"I wouldn't ask you to change your life so dramatically again, that was wrong of me. And I will balance those lives properly. I won't disappear for long periods of time, I'll be here for D/N, I'll be here for you" Dutch promised you.
"You'll have to prove it" you reminded him.
"I will" Dutch assured you, he was certainly determined on proving himself to you. "I don't know if it's just because we have a child together but...I couldn't stop thinking about you back at the camp. And seeing you here with D/N...do you think that we could ever...be something more?" he asked but you didn't know what to say. What were you suppose to say to that?
"I have to admit that seeing you with D/N has changed my opinion on you, made me see you as the Dutch I knew before you started to..." you started but weren't sure of the right words to use.
"Lose my mind?" Dutch asked.
"Yeah" you nodded, making him chuckle a little.
"I hope to be that man again one day. I hope to be that man here, with you and D/N" Dutch confessed as he took one of your hands in his. "So, do you think we could be something?" he asked, brushing his thumb over your knuckles.
"Perhaps, after time" you told him quietly. You quickly kissed his cheek before standing up and heading back inside the house. Dutch watched you disappear back into the house before turning his attention back to the starry sky.
-----
Dutch had to tend to something at the camp, which meant that he had to leave for the day. That wasn't a problem to you, you were happy to spend the day with just D/N. It was late when Dutch came back from the camp, D/N was asleep and it was dark out, you tried to sleep but you just couldn't get comfortable.
"Oh, hey. Turns out it was nothing too important, they just wanted to ask me about the legitimacy of a job that Bill had a lead on" Dutch told you as he walked into the lounge, seeing you sitting on the sofa. He thought that you were going to be asleep already so he was surprised to see you awake and downstairs.
"Oh, uh good. That's good" you smiled as you stood up from the sofa, you hadn't even heard him walk in.
"Are you alright?" he asked, instantly noticing that something was wrong with you.
"Yeah, of course" you nodded.
"Y/N?" he asked, you weren't convincing him at all.
"Don't worry, Dutch. It's stupid, really" you assured him, trying to walk around him.
"I'm sure it's not stupid. Speak to me, darlin'" Dutch sighed as he gently took hold of your shoulders, holding you in front of him.
"Can you...can you not call me that? Just, not yet" you asked, hanging your head a little.
"Of course, I'm sorry. Now, what's wrong?" he asked, looking genuinely concerned about you.
"I...I was worried that you weren't going to come back. I was already getting ready to hate you" you confessed. You thought that it was stupid to feel this way but you just had this voice in the back of your head telling you that he was leaving for good, that he didn't want to be involved with D/N anymore. You had accepted him back into your life and you thought that he was just going to leave it again.
"Y/N, I'm always going to come back. I'm not going to let you down and fail you both again. I just won't do that" Dutch assured you, needing you to believe him.
"I believed that until you went to visit the camp...is that weird?" you asked, still feeling stupid.
"No, it's not. You have no reason to trust me. You think that I'm going to disappear and abandon you both. But I'm not going to do that, I promise. I also promise that I am going to earn your trust back" Dutch promised you, lifting your chin up to meet his gaze.
You just nodded, tears brimming in your eyes. Dutch just smiled reassuringly before wrapping his arms around you, ready to be pushed away if he had crossed a line. You wrapped your arms around his waist and buried your face in his chest, his embrace was comforting and his promise was reassuring.
Dutch held you against him, resting his chin on top of your head. He could get used to holding you like this. He just hoped that you would start to trust him more, he was willing to put in the time.
-----
Dutch had searched the house for you and D/N but he couldn't find you. Just like he did the first time that he couldn't find either of you, he quietly stepped into your bedroom.
You were sleeping on the bed, on top of your sheets, with D/N on your chest, just like you were when Dutch found you there the first time.
Dutch smiled before turning to leave the room, but D/N's babbling caught his attention. He turned back to you both to see that you had woken up a little, thanks to D/N's moving and babbling.
"Sorry, I was just making sure you were both alright" Dutch apologised, keeping his voice quiet so that he didn't wake you both up anymore.
"It's fine" you smiled and he nodded at you before turning to leave again. "Dutch" you called his name softly, getting him to turn back to you.
You smiled and patted the spot next to you on the bed. Dutch just smile back at you before walking over to the bed, he kicked off his shoes and climbed onto the bed with you. He sat beside and you shuffled closer to him.
Dutch wrapped his arm around your shoulders, letting you rest your head on his chest as D/N cuddled into both of you. He could only smile when he realised that you had both fallen asleep, cuddling into him. He pressed a kiss to the top of your head before falling asleep with you both.
Dutch knew that he was a fool for giving this up all that time ago but he vowed to himself that he would never mess this up again.
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