CARL'S POV.
I walk into the sitting room and plop down on the couch in frustration.
"Madison's in the shower again."
"So?" Jenna chimes.
"This is her second shower today." I note.
"She needs space. Somewhere she can think.... I have a feeling she thinks a lot about ... wherever she was." She notes.
I nod.
We sit in silence. Things have been awkward between Jenna and I since Madison came home. I know Madison is starting to put two and two together. Jenna sits next to me on the couch with Kara in her arms, sleeping soundly. It took ages to put her down. Madison almost tore her hair out for over an hour trying to sooth Kara. She tried everything feeding her, putting her to bed, cradling her, nothing worked and I could see how it upset her. I could see in her eyes how it pained her to see our daughter so restless.
Finally, she asked for help and when Jenna took her it took only five minutes to calm her before she fell asleep.
The look on Madison's face is not one I'll forget. And it hurt to watch her in torment. None of this is her fault and I know she's beating herself up about it. If only she would tell me what happened, I could help her.
I watched as the tears build up in Madison's eyes but of course she'd never tell us how badly she was hurting. So she went for a shower instead
"I should go." Jenna whispers.
I nod.
She stands to her feet and passes Kara into my arms without waking her.
"Jenna ?"
She looks up at me for the first time in a while.
"Yeah?"
"I... I'm sorry that I've been distant. It's just, things are complicated with Mad-"
She reaches out and touches my face gently.
"I know, Carl. It's okay. She needs time. We'll figure this out." She promises.
"Um...sure."
Figure this out ?
What is there to figure out?
I love Madison and I want to be with her.
Jenna doesn't seem to grasp that and I don't know how to tell her without sounding like an asshole. I haven't been treating Jenna the way I should be.
"See you tomorrow." She whispers and stands on her tippy toes to plant a kiss on my lips. I move my head quickly to the side and she catches my cheek instead. The awkward tension really couldn't get any worse.
"Night." I murmur to ease the tension a little.
She stays quiet and quickly turns on her heels and hurries out the door.
I sigh. I've made a real mess out of things and I don't know how to fix them. I climb up the stairs and make my way into Madison's room to put Kara to bed. When I walk in I find Madison brushing her short, wet hair with her hairbrush and a small patch of water gathers on the clean shirt she just put on as the droplets of water drips from the ends of her hair onto the material. That freaky dog lays loyally by her side as always and watches her intensively. I mean, I can't blame him. I'd stare at her all day long too if I could. She is so amazing and she doesn't even know it.
I stare at her reflection in the mirror and find it hard to recognize the Madison I used to know.
Madison now has sunken eyes and looks like she hasn't slept in days. Under her eyes are red like she was crying. She looks thinner too. Now that I think of it, I can't remember when she last ate. She avoided breakfast this morning and casually dismissed lunch and when dinner came around she excused herself to hang out with Judith, Kara and that damn dog.
I start to get an uneasy feeling in my stomach. I know Madison hasn't been telling me things but just how much is she keeping from me
"Madison?" I call softly.
The brush slips from her grasp at the same time that I hear her gasp loudly and she jumps high into the air. She lifts her hands protectively above her out of instinct as if expecting a harsh blow. Simultaneously, the brush hits the ground with a loud thud that makes Kara jolt in my arms and the room is immediately filled with sharp cries.
Madison quickly composes herself and rushes to Kara.
"No, no, no, no." She quickly takes Kara from my arms and cradles her gently from side to side.
"I'm so sorry baby. I didn't mean to wake you." She begins to cry with Kara.
"Mads?"
"I'm fine." She sobs.
I walk closer and grab her by the shoulders.
"Mads." I say more serious.
"I'm f,fine!"
"No, you're not!"
She takes deep, shaky breathes while a continuous stream of tears run down her face.
"You're right. I'm a fucking mess. Everyone is being shady because I'm back and can't explain why, I've barely got a second to talk to Kai for real because people are constantly checking in on me because I'm a psycho. My own baby hates me, I'm a horrible mother, every time I close my eyes for a second I see everything. Everything I don't want to see and it's tearing me apart and I HATE IT. I hate the memories, I hate the guilt, I hate the people but most of all I hate myself and everything hurts ..." she runs out of breath and sobs even harder. She shakes to the point I become concerned that she might drop Kara.
I pull her closer to me and she ducks her head into the crook of my neck while Kara still wails between us.
"I'm sorry. I just... I..."
"Mads tell me what happened. I can help." I plead with her.
She tries desperately to sooth Kara.
She shakes her head back and forth rigorously.
"I'm f,fine. I'm just tired. So tired... I haven't been sleeping." She sobs.
"At all?"
She shakes her head.
"You slept last night. On the porch."
"No, I didn't. I just waited for you to fall asleep first."
It's clear to me that no matter how much I plead with her to tell me what happened she won't tell me. At least not yet.
"It's okay Madison. We're gonna be okay." I promise here.
"C'mere." I lead her to the bed and pull back the covers.
She slides in without a word and lays Kara on her chest. I sit in beside her, pulling her close.
Madison strokes Kara's back and whispers soothingly into her ear, telling her how much she loves her. This, right beside me is what I pictured in my dreams when I thought I lost her. Something I thought would only ever be dreams. I let myself relax knowing she's safe beside me, even if she doesn't feel it, I know she's safe. I won't let anything happen to her, to either of them.
"You're not a bad mother and she doesn't hate you. She cried for like a week straight without you. And I would know because I tried to drown out the sound by locking myself in my room and covering my ears with a pillow. So, I'm not exactly winning father of the year either."
"You came around though. That's all that matters." She whispers.
And then, Kara stops crying and quickly drifts into a sleep, her tiny hands clinging onto Madison's shirt, pulling her close, looking for comfort from her mom. Madison lays her head back on the pillow beside me and smiles to herself. That's probably the first time I've seen her smile since she got home and I can't help but retaliate.
"I did it." She whispers.
"Yes, you did."
She nods and closes her eyes with a smile still shaping her lips.
So beautiful.
Within seconds I feel Madison's breaths become slower and deeper and then I listen for her soft snores. Finally, that poor dog can relax too. I slide down and lay properly beside her, draping my arm across her lower stomach, right where her scar is. I fix the blanket around the three of us and I close my eyes finally allowing myself to sleep, knowing we're going to be okay.
MADISON'S POV.
I wake to the nightmares of my own memories. The asylum, the torture, the guilt, the people I left behind... all of them. Good and bad.
My eyes snap open and my breathing is so fast I almost mistake it for the dogs panting as he watches me from the bottom of the bed. I'm too warm. Hot and sweaty as if I had run a marathon.
Kara lays soundly on my chest just where she was when I drifted to sleep. Actual sleep despite the terrifying images, I don't feel so tired anymore yet my bones feel heavy and weak. Carl's arm is draped across my torso, his fingers barely touching the new scar on my waist. It throbs now and again when I move too fast but we've all had worse so I'm not complaining.
I look up at Carl who has his head resting on the headboard instead of the pillow and his mouth hangs open. His hat has fallen to the floor. The small gap on his forehead just between his eyebrows creased with worry and I lift my free hand to smoothen it out. I don't want him to be worried. He shouldn't be worried. I want to say that everything has gone back to the way it should be but we both know that isn't true. Something has changed and I can't quite put my finger on it.
I hold onto Kara as I sit up and slip out of bed, still fully clothed. I saunter downstairs and listen to Fangs trot down behind me. When I push through the kitchen door I find Rick sitting at the table with Michonne, Maggie, Daryl and Jenna.
"Hey." Jenna smiles.
I surprise myself by feeling shocked that she acknowledged me.
"Hey." I respond.
"The cereal is on the counter." Rick points out.
I look over at the food and my stomach twists.
"You're gonna have to eat something Madison." Maggie notes.
"I will. I'm just not hungry right now."
She squints her eyes at me, seeing right through my lies.
Fangs interrupts the tension by jumping up on Rick.
"Can you control that demon dog, Madison! Every time I look at it, it looks like it wants to rip my throat out." He grumbles as he pushes fangs off him.
"We've all wanted to rip your throat out at one stage." I mumble.
"Ha ha." He remarks dryly.
"Where is Carl ?" Jenna asks.
"Upstairs. Asleep. Where else would he be ?"
She just shrugs and looks away.
"Um, I actually want to take a walk."
Everyone turns to look at me.
"I think that's a good idea. It'll be good for you. Maybe I could come to-" Maggie starts.
"No...just me. I just want to think some things through."
"You okay Mads?" Michonne asks skeptically.
"Yeah. I'm fine... could you maybe look after Kara, just until Carl wakes up. I won't be long, I just need to clear my head."
"Of course." She nods and holds her hands out for Kara.
I plant a kiss on her head before handing her over to a smiling Michonne.
"Don't go outside the walls Mads, I mean it." She warns.
I nod.
I turn and walk towards the front door.
"TAKE MINI SATAN WITH YOU!" Rick calls after me.
I roll my eyes before whistling loudly.
"FANGS!" I call and before I have time to turn to door handle he prances to my side.
We walk side by side, ignoring all the stares and whispers as we walk past the neighbors. I feel eyes on me everywhere and I feel my legs pick up speed. I strain myself to move faster, holding onto my throbbing side. I feel my heart pound so hard that I can feel my own pulse in my ears. I don't know why I feel so worked up and self conscious,I never have been before.
I didn't really know where I was going until my feet lead me to the church. Not somewhere I would picture myself, but somewhere I've been thinking of lately. I open the door which echoes an obnoxious squeak throughout the small building. I peek my head inside to make sure nobody is around and fortunately the area is deserted.
I step inside and look around. It's dark but light shines through the stained glass windows that splashes colors of the rainbow across the walls. I've been here before but never alone. Fangs' loud panting bounces off the walls and makes loud echoes.
"Shhh."
I pat Fangs' head and walk further into the church, nearing the altar.
That dog has stuck by me through enough shit and even now puts up with my crap.
I sit down on one of the benches and sigh.
I've been feeling a lot of things lately.
Mostly guilt but I don't know how to deal with it and for some reason I've felt the need to come here which confuses me beyond anything else.
"I didn't expect to see you here." A voice calls from behind me.
I jump in my seat and turn around quickly to see father Gabriel standing still, watching me.
I should've known he would be here.
Ugh, I'm such an idiot.
"...like ever." He adds.
"If I'm being honest, me neither."
"So why are you?"
"Didn't you hear? I resurrected. I'm basically Jesus."
He stares at me with dead silence.
I laugh and the sound echoes making Fangs' ears twitch.
"You're hilarious." He remarks dryly.
I sigh with a shrug.
"I don't know."
"Yes, you do. Or else you wouldn't be here."
"I came because... I've cheated death so many times that I'm beginning to not believe in luck at all."
"So what do you believe in?" He asks calmly as he walks up the aisle and takes a seat next to me.
Fangs growls, baring his teeth.
"Easy Fangs."
"I h,haven't gotten the p,pleasure to meet your n,new friend." He stutters nervously, hovering in his seat as if ready to bolt.
I raise a brow. "You don't have to lick up to him. I'll let you in on a little secret."
I wave Gabriel forward and he leans in so I can whisper in his ear.
"He's a dog. He can't understand you."
Gabriel rolls his eyes.
"Do you want my help or not?" He snaps.
"I didn't ask for your help. You just appeared out of thin air, Houdini."
"If you don't want my help then why are you here ? Why did you come here ?"
I shrug. "Like you said, I don't know what I believe in. I want to believe there's a God, I want to believe there's a heaven... but it's all just a little hard to believe when you take a look outside."
He doesn't reply.
"I guess I came here because I wanted to figure it out."
He sits in silence with me and minutes tick past slowly. Usually, I would be uncomfortable standing close to someone in total silence for this amount of time, but the noise inside my head makes up for it.
I look down at my feet, skimming my boots across the perfectly tiled floor.
"You know, the night Abbie died she asked me about heaven. I've always thought that was ironic. She asked me if there was such a thing."
"And what did you tell her?" He asks, curiously.
I shake my head. "That's the thing, I didn't really tell her anything. I didn't believe, so I dodged the question. I started talking about the stars..." I roll my eyes and mentally punch myself. "The fucking stars-"
"This is God's house." He scolds.
"Sorry, ... the stars. I told her to believe what she wants. I wonder what was going on inside her head that night, there was no lead up to the question, no content, just curiosity. I've been curious too lately, wondering if it's real or not. If she's really up there watching over us all, If all that other shi-" Gabriel cuts me off with a glaring look.
"... if all the other stuff is true. You know like the Bible, heaven and hell, guardian angels."
I turn to look at him.
"I know this is a stupid question and your opinion is biased but since all of this your answer must have changed somehow, and if not changed then at least altered."
He waits patiently for my question.
"Do you believe in heaven?"
He smiles. "Yes, but I did have my doubts at times. I think everything that's happening is the universes' way of restoring humanity."
"That's funny because there isn't one person I've ever met that hasn't killed somebody since this all began."
He rolls his eyes.
"God will protect us. If you ask him to help, he will help. If you ask for a sign, he will give you a sign, if you ask to be saved, he will save you."
"I haven't asked for anything and I'm still here."
"Maybe that's why you're still here, because you never asked for anything at all."
"What about Hell?"
He shrugs. "We're living in it."
He chuckles and I crack a smile.
"I thought priests weren't supposed to joke about that kinda stuff."
"I'm not your standard priest."
I laugh. "That's for sure."
"Guardian angels?"
"Well, if you don't believe in anything at least believe in angels. They protect you and with everything you've been through I'd say your angel is working pretty damn hard.
I shake my head. "No, my guardian angel's on crack."
He laughs at that. "Maybe."
I stand up and Fangs pounces onto four paws next to me too.
"I think I should go."
I walk down the aisle towards the door and pause at the holy water fountain.
I stare at the still water gazing at my own reflection.
Why am I here ? After all this time, how am I still alive. Why am I the one who gets to live?
I gaze at the girl in the water, analyzing and scrutinizing every feature. They seem dull, tired, guilty but most of all confused. I lift my hand and slowly dip my fingers into the cool water.
I watch the water ripple and the image of the girl shakes and becomes distorted. I don't bless myself with the water but I catalogue it on my brain as a step forward.
"Thank you." I say aloud, still staring at the girl in the water.
I knew Gabriel was still there listening.
"You were right, I did come here for your help. I just didn't know that at the time."
I wait for the water to stiffen again before I look up at Gabriel who remains seated where I left him.
"I know I gave you a rough time, especially at the beginning and I just wanted to say that I'm sorry I blamed Nick's death on you. That wasn't you. I know that and I think I knew it at the time too. You were just the easiest to blame. I'm sorry."
He smiles. "Thank you for your honesty."
"Yeahhh, don't make it weird."
I turn for the door and open it.
"Oh, and uh, don't tell anyone I was here or I'll break your jaw. 'Kay thanks."
I close the door behind me and walk back to the house feeling a little more like myself.