"Holy," I nearly slip onto my butt when I enter the bathroom. I walk past Jungkook who's just finished showering. He already has a towel around his waist and is putting shaving cream around his jaw.
I regain my balance after nearly having my heart fall out of my chest and began to strip. Jungkook and I are having an interview today, his publicist says it'll be good for us. I've been thinking about different job opportunities now that I can't work at the orphanage anymore. Jungkook says I should try to make money off of my popularity. But I still don't know what I could make of myself. Rock bottom for me is being famous for being famous, and I've hit real low before in my life.
"Can't you dry yourself inside the shower? You always get the floor all wet," I unclasp my bra while eyeing him from the mirror.
"I'll try to remember next time," He hums and it sounds very much like he won't. I shake my head with a light chuckle and head into the shower. I close the glass door behind me.
I turn on the showerhead and my shoulders relax once the warm water hits my skin. This morning sickness is really messing with me. I can keep the discomfort of nausea away from my expressions, but if I have to puke I can't hide that from anyone. Lord knows how well that'll look if I gag mid-sentence during the interview today. My hand rests on my stomach as I let out a small groan. I'm bloating so much I can't fit into my pants anymore without sucking in.
"You okay?"
I realize I've just been standing here, frozen in silence. I look out the glass door and Jungkook's knocking on it. I nodded, "I'm good."
His face is already shaved and clean now. I remember when we first reunited, he had a bit of a stubble. I'd ask him to keep growing it but I know he's excited about being a father. He already has a clear image that he wants to portray. I wouldn't try to stand in the way of that. Jungkook already cut his hair. I was more than shocked at what a single haircut cost him. We still pay for our own things separately, so I've yet to get used to how he spends.
"Can I come in?"
I raise a brow, "You want to shower with me? You'd have to dry off again."
"I don't mind," Jungkook pushes the glass door in means to enter, I lean against it to block him.
He pushes the door but I don't budge, "No. We don't have time for this. You still have to change and make breakfast for both of us. We'll be late. I thought you were the professional and serious person between us both, this is very out of character."
Jungkook grins like a child and uses his strength to open the glass door just enough to shove his big head in, "That's because I'm not choosing anything over you. Come on," his arm slithers to my waist and tugs on my skin.
"I will burp in your face."
"Please, I've smelled your fart in the middle of the night and it's Febreeze to me," That is disgusting, truly. I lean back with my face scrunched up, "Plus, you can't just randomly burp on the spot."
He's underestimating this pregnancy, "I can now. I'm like a fucking balloon. Now get out."
Jungkook's frozen in thought, as if he's weighing his options. He eventually gives in and walks out, but not before leaving me with a soft kiss on the forehead. I smile softly to myself as I grabbed the shampoo bottle.
"You look gorgeous!" He shouts from the bedroom.
"You too!" I yell back with the grin growing wider.
***
"Walk me through what we can't talk about," I looked out the car window, desperately searching for something to ease my mind. I'm tapping at the heel of my hand, Jihoon recommended it to me, but it's not helping much either. It's my first interview. Any tiny little move I make will be broadcasted to the public. Anything I say, I can't just delete and reword the same way I can for an Instagram post. I envy Jungkook the most at this moment. He's basically been trained all his life to face these situations. Crowds don't scare him. Attention doesn't scare him. Being scrutinized, well, he's used to it.
"Again?" I sense Jungkook turning to look at me, "Are you nervous?"
"No shit I am."
I grimace at my tone.
"Ouch."
"I'm sorry," I immediately say.
"Well, we can't talk about the lawsuit, that's between us and him, we agreed to that. And my departure from the company isn't public yet."
"Okay," I shift in my seat, "Can we not talk about Lana either? Like ever?"
"You don't want her involved."
"Yeah," She'll only get hurt. I don't need the internet obsessing over another young girl either. Having my own little sister, I can only shudder in discomfort when I see other adults exploiting their children for success, milking every dollar they can get out of the media's reactions.
"What if she wants to? Just a possibility,"
"I won't let her, not until she becomes an adult," I replied with a tone so stern I surprised even myself. I swallowed the lump in my throat.
"Off-limits things aside, they want us to talk about our relationship and high school," I heard him pause at that. We both know what they mean by 'high school'. "Will you be okay with that? Talking about that?"
I nodded. I should be, anyway. I turn to look out the window as I felt two gentle pats on my hand. The car grows silent, and for a while, all I could hear were the wheels rolling against the concrete.
"I wasn't just being unprofessional, it's not that I don't care about being punctual," Jungkook suddenly speaks.
"What?"
"You get up at night and never settle down. We sleep apart now and I get it, I just wanted to make up for it."
Oh, he's talking this morning with the shower.
I did not think about that. Jungkook's love language is physical touch, I should've noticed this sooner. I didn't know it was affecting him like that. There's only so much time we have together in a day after he gets off work. Our time in bed is when we get to be intimate. But now we can't even have that. We've been sleeping on separate ends of bed these days. It's not easy. Pregnancy sometimes means our own needs aren't met. I wish it wasn't like that, but we're just humans, there's only so much we can do at once.
I reach my hand over to lay it on top of Jungkook's. He flips his hand over and intertwines our fingers. I scoot closer to his side of the car and rest my head on his shoulder, "I'm sorry."
"The baby should be sorry," He muttered.
I snorted, "Blaming them for everything already? They're not even here yet," I looked down at the small bump on my stomach. I hope we get a table at the interview so nobody has to see it. Comments about my weight gain are inevitable but I don't need people analyzing my whole body.
We've decided to not issue any official announcements about my pregnancy. We'll just let it happen naturally. It's funny how we automatically thought we had to let the public know. It has nothing to do with them, we don't owe them any news that we don't want to share.
When I don't hear a reply from him I turn to look, and I frown at the expression on his face. Even if he's smiling, things can't be okay if his eyebrows look like that. I swear that when we grow old, there will be one big wrinkle in between his eyebrows because of the way he scrunches them.
I lean in and throw myself onto him. I lick his neck and leave kisses from his jawline to his collarbone. His eyes widened as he leaned back, "What are you doing?"
"I'm distracting you, you look tense," I tried to steal his lips but he puts a hand over my mouth.
"I am not tense."
I pull his hand away and whisper in a low voice so Jun won't hear, "You know the doctor said it's better when I'm pregnant."
He just gives me this judging look. He's really not happy. Jungkook would be so excited any other time.
"I am not having car sex," He replied lowly. I almost scoff at him. Is this the same man that got me pregnant on the airplane? I huff and lean back to my seat, crossing my arms over my chest.
Jungkook chuckles at me, throwing his arm over my shoulder and tugging me closer, "Be nice, Jun is literally dying over there trying to keep it together."
I turn my head towards the front of the car, where it looks like Jungkook's assistant is sweating a bucket and frozen like a brick.
I hide my lips between my teeth and let out a stifled snicker, "Almost forgot he was even there."
"Excuse me?" Jun exclaims. Of course he was listening. I palm my face as the three of us break into quiet laughter.
***
"Jungkook?"
I hear my own voice echo through the bathroom.
"Yeah?"
"Nothing, just checking if you're still here," I step out of the stall and look around for him but find myself alone. It's only when I bend down do I see his legs in another stall. I snicker and push the door open.
"What are you doing in here?"
"I just don't want anyone seeing me in the woman's bathroom, are you done?"
I nod and quickly wash my hands in the sink. We quickly made our way into the room where the interview took place. I walk inside and try not to let the shock show on my face.
The set was so incredibly comforting, with plants placed around the room and every piece of furniture having earth-tone colours. I see the table and the sitting mats surrounding it and immediately smile. We'll be here for a while, I'm more than relieved that I can sit comfortably through it. I remember being told that they hoped for this interview to seem genuine. It's the first time either of us is speaking publicly since the scandal, I'm guessing this is the interview where we're supposed to get personal and serve some sort of resolution to the drama.
The interviewer is already seated down with cards in his hands. I swallow thickly when I immediately recognize his face. He must be famous. I laugh a little to myself when I realize I'm famous now too.
The next few minutes go by quickly. The three of us are surrounded by makeup artists. I found it awkward, yet the two men sat still for them like it was a daily routine. Someone even came and combed through my hair. I thought it looked fine before.
A director on the other side of the set yells that the camera is on and I immediately straighten my back and become more aware of my expression. I try to smile and look as presentable as possible. It came more naturally when I felt Jungkook hold my hand underneath the table.
"Today we have two very very special guests. I'm sure everyone at home is already very familiar with these faces, they are Jeon Jungkook of Jeon Enterprise and his wife Yi Aera," The man then turns his body to us, "We are so honoured to have you on the show. Firstly I want to congratulate both of you on your recent marriage. We've been told that there was no wedding, how was that?"
Jungkook was quick to take the initiative and answered the question with no hesitation, "It was completely unplanned for us. We were out of the country three months ago, Aera and I needed a break at the time. We were literally on the way to the airport when we just suddenly decided to get married right then and be off for the honeymoon. It was really great, the ceremony was completely private and nobody else knew about it. We called my mother and that was about it."
The interviewer looks at his cue cards for a second then continues with a smile, "That is great to hear. For today's episode, we will be asking you questions that the audiences voted for the most. It is the first time either of you has spoken publicly since the situation that took place almost exactly half a year ago. We hope this gives everybody a chance to hear your side of the story and perhaps shed some light on your experiences. Starting from the beginning, fans want to hear about your relationship in high school. How did you two meet?"
My husband, being professional and considerate, was about to answer for the both of us when I squeezed his hand. He paused to look at me. I'll take this one, I told him with a smile.
"I was a new student back then and I was invited into Jungkook's friend group, but we actually didn't get along at first. There was this embarrassing misunderstanding, but I will admit most of it was just me being stubborn. I was under the impression that he was this horrible playboy. Turns out he didn't even have his first kiss yet," I look to Jungkook and catch him rolling his eyes playfully with his lips twisted.
"I joke about this all the time, you know what the first words he ever said to me were?"
His hand then came out from underneath the table and tugged at my arm, "No," He groaned, "Not this, Aera!"
But the interviewer seemed so intrigued. I laughed while ripping his grip off of me, "Let the people hear it! He looked at me dead straight in the face and said, 'What the fuck, are you stupid?' And for real, at that moment, I just thought: Wow, I'm never talking to this guy again."
Jungkook let out a small cry, "Everybody loves Aera now, she doesn't know how careful I have to be. Before her lovely fans attack me, I swear I didn't mean it that way."
"In his defense, Jungkook really only ever had good intentions with me. My personality used to be really hard-headed back then, Jungkook really worked hard to fix our relationship. He eventually won me over, and I realized he was the most gentle person I've ever met in my whole life. He still is."
The interviewer reacted emotionally to that, but I could only turn to look at my husband. He's smiling back at me, and I pinch his face lightly upon seeing the way his cheeks lifted.
"That is just beautiful, especially with the way your relationship has withstood so much through the years. Now you both are in a marriage so many people envy. But as we've learned, things weren't always so pleasant for you personally, especially in high school. Could you share with us your experience with bullying and perhaps some things that people generally aren't yet aware of with the issue? A lot of fans have been dying to hear your story through your own words,"
I had to let myself pause and stay silent for a while right then. My whole body seemed to heat up. It feels like I have a spotlight over my head. Well, I actually do right now because we're filming on set. But metaphorically, I really am on fire.
"Um. Well, what happened was really a result of multiple unfortunate situations. I had my first boyfriend around that time, I was very young and did not have anyone to guide me with the relationship. When you're young and inexperienced, sometimes you overlook a lot of things. I knew a lot less about him than I thought,"
I allowed myself to slow down and take a breath. This is it. This is my story, and it's going to be out now. This time told the right way: through my own lens, through my own mouth.
"As everyone is aware already, I was an orphan by then. My sister and I were afraid of being split apart by the child protection workers so we ran away. We were homeless before I found my way into several part-time jobs. The place we lived in was rough and extremely underfunded. That was the biggest reason why I kept everything a secret back then, I think I was really ashamed about my own life...Anyway, I told my boyfriend at the time without doubting him at all. If it were me now I probably would've been more careful. He actually ended up telling the whole school about it. I didn't know that was how he viewed people living in poverty. Him being so discriminating and being a bully was just not a possibility to me at all back then. That alone was quite the shock. I was being foolish, I realize now."
The man sitting across from me had his face frozen, and I don't even want to see the look on Jungkook's face. The interviewer seemed genuinely upset. He wasn't doing it for the show. I catch his adam's apple bop up then down, "How could you have possibly known though? I don't think it's foolish to trust someone you care about."
I just shrug with a faint smile, "Well, that alone was enough to get people to have negative thoughts about me. Yet during the same time, I also found out he was cheating on me with several other girls. But they somehow turned it around to make it seem like I was the 'slut' for approaching someone like him, as if I had entered the relationship for an ulterior motive. I was bullied the most for that reason," I ended it with a nod, trying to play it cool like I was simply telling a story.
Then I remembered his other question. I went silent for a while to contemplate. What did I wish people understood? What did teenager-Aera need people to understand the most? What could've helped her breathe easier? What could help the victims in present-day breathe easier?
"I hope people really let it sink in that bystanders are just as bad as the bullies. In fact, the bullies wouldn't be able to do anything without bystanders. Bullies don't exist without you. What I remember the most weren't really all the instances where I was physically attacked, but actually how lonely it felt, looking outwards to all the people watching. That's all they did, watch. I think even if they continued to pick on me, I would've felt much better knowing, not hoping, that everybody else was against it too,"
I turned away from Jungkook, from the interviewer, and faced the camera. There was no shiver down my spine. My hands didn't shake. My eyes didn't waver. I can't be scared. It wasn't possible to, because it's not about me right now.
"And another thing is that poverty is unfortunate, but it is not a shameful thing. If you are struggling right now, I respect you, and my heart goes out to you. Don't let anybody take credit for your own hustle, be prideful for that. You work harder than anybody, don't be fooled into feeling embarrassed about that like I did."
I wish I had someone to tell me that back then.
"I will not speak for Jungkook, because that is his own personal experience, but regarding the backlash I received over the past year, I just need people to realize what they were doing. I believe that nobody in a normal situation would condone bullying and would've reacted very differently to the footage that was leaked-had I not been in a relationship with Jungkook. People were saying that I deserved it for being a gold digger because nobody believed that anybody could sincerely care for my husband either. I'll let him speak for himself, but I also want to make it clear to everyone how fragile a celebrity's image is. It is so manipulatable. Everybody loves Jungkook now, but nobody would've believed that was possible back then. Everything you know about a public figure, from pictures to leaked information, it's all carefully picked out and packaged a certain way by the media. So it's better not to say anything at all, you don't know them, and they don't know you. What I want to say is that people shouldn't choose when to have or not have morals. Don't decide if bullying is okay depending on if you like the victim or not. Don't pick and choose where you offer your kindness like that, it's not pretty, it's not nice."
The confidence drained the second I finished. I wonder how the audience will react to that. I hope they don't edit anything out. Or did I talk too much for too long? I wouldn't know, I don't watch interviews or much of anything at all. I probably should, it's part of my responsibility now.
The doubts quickly faded after meeting eyes with the talk show host. He must truly believe in what I'd said. He looks satisfied, proud even. I let my shoulders relax.
"I agree, completely. And this has made me so grateful and happy that we were able to have you two on the show. I'm honoured that such important words were spoken on this show, I hope everyone watching listened attentively to Yi Aera's message. This next question, I will direct to Jeon Jungkook: During the time your relationship and engagement were wrongfully exposed to the public, what was that time like for you? What were the most difficult parts and how did you recover from them? Please answer honestly."
I don't think Jungkook's ever been given the chance to stand up for himself in the media before. This has been his entire life, and yet this is the first time he's being listened to. Thinking about that brings a stinging pain to my chest.
I rub his arm softly before finding my fingers intertwined around his. I hold onto him firmly. I've got him. He needs to know he's got me too.
Jungkook rubs the back of his neck with a nervous grin. Suddenly it seems like he's an amateur, like this is his first time speaking to the public. He carries on though, like always with everything, "It was tough for me in a lot of ways. It seemed to have become a goal to dig up every mistake I'd committed. I couldn't just turn off the phone and ignore it either, because I had to resolve the issue with my assistant, with my lawyer. My whole life...I've been painted as a heartless, arrogant person. But ever since that, I've tried my absolute most to be a compassionate and genuine person. But no matter what I did and didn't do, I couldn't change people's minds. It does a lot to my self-identity. The way I present myself was never how I was perceived, all because of one single event amidst everything else that's happened. I hold myself accountable for everything I've done, I am not claiming my innocence regarding anything, that's not what I'm doing, and I'm also not saying that it wasn't serious or horrible,"
We all know he's talking about Haeyoung. It's the one thing that's been chained to his name all his life.
"But that was my own dark past in high school. People don't realize that she was a part of my life too. Even if we weren't on the best terms, I knew her. I saw her every day and suddenly she was gone forever. It really was a traumatic time for me, I was abandoned by most of the people in my life, and I myself also was cyberbullied quite heavily. I was a weak-minded and immature teenager, guilt and everything else drove me into a very suicidal headspace. So to have all that resurface on the media was definitely unhealthy for me, it felt like I was reliving that part of my life.
"The truth is that it was very different this time around, because I wasn't the only target of ridicule. Someone else I loved was being attacked too. Aera was affected deeply by it, even if she didn't talk about it that much earlier. She's never been a public figure before, the scrutinization is not normal, it's not easy to deal with. And it's not normal that any of us is used to it. Watching her struggle, it was hard not to blame myself for that too. And I felt helpless about everything in my life. I had fortune, I had success, anything and everything, and yet nothing was in my control...And how did I recover from that?"
Jungkook let out an exhale, "I just kept working. I worked to take everything down, to set things back on track, to get things back to normal- better than normal. I also focused on Aera and our relationship. Not to justify any of what happened, but we learned a lot from it. Communication, trust, it's all so important. I don't think we would understand that now had we not been put in a circumstance where love was the only possible way out—was that too cheesy?"
I quickly shook my head with a wide grin as if we were the only ones here. I just want to kiss him right now. I settle with hugging his arm and resting my cheek against his knuckles. Jungkook looks at me for a quick second as if to search for reassurance. He looks relieved.
***
"Stop."
I hear Jungkook from the bed. I freeze right as I exited the bathroom.
He moved his phone away from his face and eyes me up and down, "Those are my silk pyjamas."
I look at the pants around my waist, "Seems so," I head over to the closet and pull out a tank top. I put it on as I crawl onto the bed and lay down next to him.
"What are you looking at?"
He answers without his eyes leaving the screen, "I'm just posting the pictures we took today to promote the show. Did you dry your hair thoroughly? You could get sick if you don't."
I never do. Usually, I turn off the blow dryer right when I feel my scalp is dry and he knows that. But I do now, I can't risk anything with the baby. I'm living as healthily as ever, even though it doesn't feel like it.
"I did," I tell him, but he still reached a hand over and stuck it in my hair to check. His arm only retracted after he reacted with a satisfied nod. Jungkook eventually puts his phone away and acknowledges me. He shifts his body to the side.
"You did really well today," his voice was soft and quiet with a little rasp.
"Thank you, I'm proud of you too."
My eyes follow his hand as he reached over and rested his palm over my stomach. I do the same and caress the skin protecting our baby. I watch Jungkook stare at the bump in complete silence. I wonder what he's thinking.
"Come here," he beckoned, but his arm was already pulling my body over. Jungkook buried his head in my chest and lets out an exhale. I felt his body relax against me.
"You know we can't sleep like this."
"Why?" He mumbles. His lips kiss my skin and I feel something within me flutter.
He knows why, "I'll have to go to the bathroom. I can't stay still either, I'd wake you up. At least one of us should get actual rest."
Jungkook grumbles and situates himself even closer against me, draping his heavy leg right over my hip.
"Just let me have this one time. Just a few minutes."
I give in because of the croak in his voice. My hand digs into his hair as I mindlessly stare at the wall, sharing this moment of stillness with myself. His back rises then falls with every gentle breath and I feel my skin warm up under him.
It's getting too hot and I have to pee. My legs squirm in discomfort. I don't want to wake him up.
"I'm so in love with you."
He suddenly mumbled with a raspy voice. So he's awake, barely.
I swallow, "Huh?"
"You were so cool today, talking like you've been doing this all your life. But it's your first time. You're a natural, Aera."
It tickles whenever he speaks against my chest. I lean back to free myself, and also to look at his tired face.
"I know you like to think you're untalented and aren't good for anything for some sick twisted reason, but when you spoke everybody was looking at you."
"That's their job, they had to make sure it was recording
properly."
"No, but you had everybody's attention. They weren't just hearing because they had to, they were listening. You're great at speaking when you care about something. It was the sexiest shit I've ever seen."
You know Jungkook is for real when he swears. I let the blush take over my face. I'm so taken off guard I forget to thank him. I'm good at talking? Me? I have social anxiety, I'm the last person that's fit for such a thing.
"I just think you could do great things if you stopped holding yourself back," Jungkook smacked his lips followed by a small yawn, then rolled himself out of my embrace. I lay there staring at his back, replaying his words in my head over and over again.
I'm holding myself back.
Jungkook's been in the industry for years, he's had much more experience and met much more people than I ever have. He knows what he's talking about. And I know my husband is an honest person. I'm not questioning his judgement, but instead my own.
Maybe I don't know myself as much as I think.
I've let my mental illness define me. And now I realize what that means. It used to be such a tiring phrase to hear: Your mental illness doesn't define you. I thought that was common sense. But now I can't even tell when it's me or my anxiety. I've begun to identify my symptoms as my own traits. I'm inherently afraid of crowds. I'm inherently unable to walk into an unfamiliar room by myself. I'm inherently. Unable.
None of that is true. That's not me.
I slip off of the bed and drag my feet towards the bathroom. I try my hardest not to disturb Jungkook, only turning on the light after closing the door behind me. I slide the pjyamas down to my legs and sit on the toilet. For a while, all is absent but the sound of my pee filling up the toilet bowl and the quiet sigh leaving my lips.
I'm holding myself back.