Hey everybody, I'm sorry I'm so sudden with this posting, but here's another chapter!
Someone said they needed some light in my last chapter, well this isn't much lighter, but I hope you enjoy, :-)
- cilla
I stared ahead of me, hearing Austin's voice in the back after a good amount of silence. It was after they spoke when he began whispering oh shit. oh shit oh shit, Diana.
"I'm guessing you're Diana?" The woman beside the man with the birthmark said. She was so familiar, too. I had seen that cloud before, the cloud on his jaw. Those eyes, and that relaxed expression. "We'd like a word." She said to me.
I probably looked like such an idiot then, hand on the door and hand at the frame, eyes wide and confused. I turned back for a split second to look at my brothers before going outside to speak with the couple. "How can I help you?" I asked, waiting. I didn't know what for, I grew with anxiousness and swallowed nothing. I wanted them to spit it out.
I told myself I had no idea who they were. When I knew...
"We're your grandparents." The man said.
That familiar birthmark.
But why are they here?
I turned shaky and pushed my hair past my ears. "Last night, we got a call-"
No.
I tuned her out and repeated the words in my head, the letter. Then I got mixed up.
This dress...
Dammit, no that was Andy.
-ever leave you...
"...Unfortunately didn't make it."
I stared.
"Sorry, what?" I choked out.
A look of sympathy passed over the two of them, but I didn't care about them at all. They left me, they left their son to hurt after his wife died. Left him with four children. I couldn't care less about those people standing in front of me, I just wanted to know if what I was hearing was true. "He was packing to come back home, and today he was supposed to be here."
I waited.
"Him and a few others were walking to the helicopters to go to the airports when they stepped over a landmine. It killed Hector."
Oh.
I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to feel, it hadn't hit me yet. What was she saying? It killed.
Killed, what did that mean?
It took me quite some time to hold my breath in realization.
I rushed inside, not being able to take a step further when slamming the door and collapsing onto the wall that faced the living room. I wanted to throw myself across the room, and for the first time in a long time, I could no longer hold it in.
I balled.
The fact that I was there foolishly awaiting a dead man's return? My conscience spat at my face, saying I was pathetic. Saying all this time I should've known it was too good to be true. I wondered who else saw it coming, and figured I was too blinded by the loving excitement and longing to realize he wasn't. Coming. Back.
I felt as Austin rushed past me and outside to speak with the couple standing outside.
I sobbed like a stupid baby, the first time I didn't care about how I looked to myself. I didn't care if I broke the emotionless streak was on, and I didn't care that I promised myself not to cry over the past. It was everything.
It all just collapsed onto me at once, a levee broken in front of my face and busted out the pain I felt from Andy, from Charlie. From death. I wondered why I hadn't gotten used to the feeling of loss yet.
I knew one thing, though. I needed to get rid of this thing called hope. Because it didn't do anything but make things worse. It made me sit there on the floor and rest my forehead on my knees, it made me grip my hair painfully and it made me cry loudly in inner pain. It made me a stupid baby who cried for her father. It was the hardest I had ever cried in my entire life. It was so bad I felt like I'd stop breathing.
One of the guys unfroze themselves and rushed over to my side, and I felt those warm and familiar arms circle around me. His voice by my ear. "Oh, Diana." He sighed quietly, and it was sweet and sad, unlike the way he had been treating me lately.
I tried pushing him away and sobbed, my noises sounding terribly miserable, my whines that seemed uncontrollable. I didn't notice the others come over to me, but I heard them talking to me. They were only sounds in bubbles at the time, the only thing I could clearly hear was my pounding heart that I prayed would stop beating so I could for once be with the people who I felt I deserved to see. Of course, I couldn't.
It felt like I was underwater, my brothers' voices coming out as blobs and gargles. Their arms reached for me to pull me out, that's what it felt like. Only, they were trying to get me to stand, but I couldn't. My legs were jello, my heart was no longer numb. It was stuck in satan's torture chamber, and I was crying too hard to scream for help like I wanted to.
Finally I surfaced from under the ocean and could hear again, my two brothers and James telling me to get up, attempting to be soothing. I couldn't fucking move. I didn't want to, and I didn't want to be held. I just wanted to end everything, not specifically my life, I just wanted everything to end. I wanted to stop being such a fool who expected to be happy for ever. To be happy at all. I didn't even deserve it.
"I've got her." I heard Charlie's sudden gentle voice say as he slipped his arms around me and scooped me up, taking me up the stairs like a traumatized baby. When he pushed my door open, he layed me on my bed, trying to speak. I curled up again and cried more. It physically hurt, too. My head began to pound, my eyes were stinging like hell, and I felt nausea at how I could barely breathe with this whole heaving and sobbing thing. I had to stop- but I needed to get out all of it. Everything, I had to.
"Diana." He said sweetly to me, but I shook my head and wished he'd leave me alone. "Please don't cry." Charlie's large hands touched my face as he sat beside me and I tried shoving him away, and was unsuccessful with my weak limbs.
I was able to speak somewhat, but in a soft and miserable whine. I sounded so childish I hated myself, "Go away." I sobbed out. "Leave me alone."
He pulled me onto his lap like he had many times before and wrapped those arms around me. I didn't stop crying for someone who I expected to be there. Someone I expected to see only minutes ago, when all I got were his parents, who were abandoners. I despised people who left, and that meant I despised myself as well. "I'm not leaving you alone." He said to me, rocking me as I covered my stupid weak face.
"Get away from me." I begged, elbowing him away, but nothing worked. He held tighter and nuzzled his nose in my hair as I continued.
I hated how good it also felt. I wanted to be alone, and I didn't want to be touched, but at the same time when Charlie had his arms around me all I wanted was him. But I was a whore, and he was a jerk. I didn't deserve his kind side. The only one who did was Claire, and there he was, holding me to his cozy and familiar chest with his lips touching my temple. "I'm so sorry." He said.
Charlie's words had more than a double meaning. He seemed to be apologizing for everything, and what he didn't know was I had already forgiven him. I'd never hold a grudge over him when I did all the wrong. He was right to act like he did to me. I didn't blame him at all, even if it didn't stop his words from hurting. I cried over that, too.
"I'm so sorry, Diana." I felt his gentle fingers run through my hair, those delicate fingertips dust across my back soothingly. I couldn't help but lean more into him. This was Charlie, and I loved him with all the passion in my heart. I loved him because he made me fall into a deep pit of helpless love. I wish it was just lust, but it was a long painful road of love. One I couldn't let go of. "I'm sorry for everything I've said to you." He said. "I didn't mean any of it."
But it's true.
"I don't want to see you cry." He said with a different voice this time. Thick with sorrow but layered in affection. It was something that made me cry harder.
"Then get out." I said, again trying to pull away.
I realized then that I had honestly never cried in front of him. I sure did spare him something, since I was one ugly crier.
"Look at me." His affectionate voice demanded.
I didn't move.
"Diana, let me see your beautiful eyes."
I felt so ugly. Me, who was once so independent and careless of this thing called love. I didn't care about any man, no one but my father. Then I met Andy, and was wanted. Then we grew. Then I met Charlie, and I changed completely. I needed now. I had never needed before.
His hand left my hair and my side and I grew cold. He pulled at the hands that covered my face. "No," I whispered, my crying turning into soft choking of tears.
He looked at me and kissed my forehead. Then lifted my chin and pecked my lips, and I felt as he kissed the tears that continued to fall. My eyes were closed. "Yes." He said back. "Open those eyes, sweetheart." Charlie said, and I listened.
I watched those brown eyes watch me so warmly. I missed him so much. And only an hour ago he was glaring at me with hate. I loved him, and he didn't bother. So I pulled away. "Dia-" He reached, about to call for me again as I stood up off the bed and also heard as my name was called from downstairs.
I didn't know what to do. I didn't look at Charlie and he let out a long breath that seemed frustrated, and stood up, leaving my room.
I groaned at myself for not wanting him to leave. I let him go! My mind was forgetting that, and it was childish to keep going back like that. Yes, I wanted him so much, but he was freed.
Right?
I was still crying, and stood there, crossed arms and wiping frantically at the tears. My door opened and revealed Austin who stood there with an envelope in his hands.
I looked back at him, and tried to hold my breath to prevent myself from heaving and crying more. My babyish whining was just beginning to calm down, and seeing that envelope I knew what it was. My father's will. I wasn't going to touch it. Not yet anyway.
I turned my head to face him, but still stood away from him. I shook my head, and he understood. Giving me a sad nod. He was hurting, too.
"Do you want us to leave?" He asked softly.
I nodded.
"Are you sure?" He asked.
I nodded again, wiping my tears like a child. Embarrassing.
He let out a sigh, but nodded. "Call us, okay? We'll be over in a heartbeat." He promised.
It felt good to have that assurance.
I waited, standing there to hear as the front door opened and closed five times. When I believed they were gone, I sat on my bed and said to the empty air, "So he's really gone?"
Nothing replied, which was my answer.
...
He was there again, in my room. He stroked my hair as I slept, and that dreamy and familiar scent of him woke me up. I looked up at him. His eyebrows furrowed at the sight of my stupid swollen eyes.
"Why are you here," I croaked out, sounding terribly terrible.
"Because I care about you. Because I like you, and I want you. And I realized that after today, seeing you cry is the worst possible thing to witness." Charlie's sweet fingers didn't leave my hair.
"Then go away." I muttered as I sat up, rubbing my tender eyes.
"You're not pushing me away, Diana. You can't expect me to leave you like this, alone."
I shook my head.
"You think I'm able to sleep after seeing you like this, and knowing you're hurting?"
"Stop saying things like that." I whined again, and hated the sound of me about to start crying again.
Charlie immediately reached out and pulled me to him, "No, sh, please don't cry."
Just hearing that gentleness in his voice, of course, made me cry. "I'm sorry." He said, holding me tightly.
I loved it, but I knew I couldn't. He was with someone else.
I turned in his arms and faced him. "I'm fine."
"Your father died, you're not fine." He grumbled.
I tried pulling away but he held me tighter. I was doing it to myself. I'm an idiot, that's why. "Why do you keep fighting me?" He asked, grabbing my face and forcing me into his warm and welcoming eyes. Those eyes I missed. Those eyes that were partly new and I wanted to sleep forever with this man, But it wasn't possible. "I know you want me too, Diana. Why are you fighting me?" He repeated.
I looked down. "You're with Claire," I said.
He suddenly glared. "I don't want to be with Claire." He snapped.
"Stop saying that!" I pleaded, and he kissed me, hard this time.
It was like he was trying to prove something to me, the strength in his lips told me that he wasn't lying, and that just made things worse. I was fighting him because he was making things so damn hard. I had to tell myself not to kiss him back. It was so hard not to just fall into his embrace and kiss him all day, love him like I wanted him to love me. But he couldn't love me.
So I pushed him away. "Why are you making everything so hard?" I accused loudly.
He just stared at me with shocked eyes, and I understood he hadn't expected me to push him away. Well, I did. "Why did you leave me?" He asked back, matching my tone.
"I told you why," I said miserably.
"I don't want your bullshit answer, I want the real one."
"I left you for Andy, I left you for Claire."
He stood up and paced around my room, nostrils flaring and I saw how he was trying to restrain himself. He looked so angry. "That's not why."
"Yes it is."
"No, it has nothing to do with Andy Carl." He shouted, making me jump at the change in volume.
I was getting angry, too. "Part of it does," I shouted back, and suddenly felt screwed when he gave me a look that said he wanted an answer. I had just given my answer up, and showed myself to him. I blew my cover, and now he knew that there was more than a couple reasons to why I left him. When I thought of that reason to myself, how he didn't love me, it made me feel so foolish. I wouldn't tell him if that's the last thing I had to do. Never.
"You have explaining to do." He said, calm this time.
I shook my head, and he yanked me up, and dragged me down the stairs and to the front door. I pulled away. "What are you doing?" I demanded, trying to pull away from his strong grip.
"We're talking at my apartment." He said.
"Why?"
"I'm the one asking questions, Diana." He said in frustration.
I pulled back again and he tugged harder. "God dammit, I can drive myself." I snapped as I fully pulled away from him.
He stopped and stared at me, hesitating. "Fine." And then muttering as he entered his car, "So fucking stubborn."
I didn't want to do it, but then again I wanted to. I wanted to live with him again, and dance in his living room like before, do my homework in his library, read on his couch, kiss in the kitchen. I wasn't going to let that happen. I followed him to his apartment.
...
He shut the door as I entered with crossed arms. "Why am I here?" I sighed to him, and he walked into the living room. I reluctantly followed him, like I had been doing all day.
"You're explaining." He said strongly, standing in front of the couch I sat on. The empty space didn't go unnoticed by me, the missing coffee table. I resisted a blush at the memory.
"There really isn't anything to explain...-"
"Enough of that," He almost shouted.
I groaned. "Andy! It was for Andy, how many times do I have to tell you that?"
Charlie twitched, "That's not the only reason." He said through gritted teeth.
I didn't know what to say.
"Was it harder?" He asked, seeming a little more quiet.
I gave him a look saying I didn't understand.
"Leaving him?" He elaborated.
He was asking if it was harder leaving Andy than it was leaving him. He had no idea. It was physically easier to leave Charlie, since he seemed ended up telling me to leave. Andy... It was so difficult. He begged so much, I wanted to claw my eyes out to stop seeing him with that pleading look. "It took him a few weeks to understand." I muttered, and he suddenly looked regretful.
"It took me five minutes." He mumbled, seeming disappointed in himself. Then looking up to me. "I can't believe you did it."
I crossed my ankles uncomfortably and looked away from him. "I had to." Then looked back to his eyes, that seemed almost disappointed in me. "He would've been giving up so much success if he stayed with me."
"He didn't care about that!" Charlie threw his hands up in more frustration. "Did you not hear when he said he wanted to marry you? Did you have something in you ear? Or do you truly get off at throwing people away like nothing," He ended with a question that seemed more of a statement the way he spoke.
I was offended, and instead of sad, I felt more angry. "I don't," I said back, "I didn't want to hurt him-"
"You didn't want to hurt him?" He snapped in sarcasm. "Diana, you made him cry. Andy Carl, the fucking most confident and strong business man out there."
"You don't think I wanted to cry, too?" I shot back in defense. "How shallow do you think I am?"
He let out a breath, seeming to try to calm down. "You're not shallow." He sighed. "You're stupid." He said, "But I know if you were shallow, you certainly wouldn't have left him. He's a millionaire, for fucks sake. He could've bought you the moon." Then he muttered, "He would've, too, if you asked for it."
I didn't know why he was talking like that, why he was suddenly admiring Andy, almost. I tried to block out the tone he held. "It makes me feel unstable," He told me. "Knowing that even if I was a millionaire, you would still leave me."
It was true. If he was a millionaire, he still wouldn't love me either.
"Why did you leave me?" He asked for the billionth time.
"Please, I don't-"
"I want to know where the whole Claire thing came from," Charlie shot, his brows furrowed and his dark hair- me noticing for the first time- looking run through and stressed. His stubble growing back.
I sat back and turned away from him.
"Talk to me." He demanded.
"I don't know, just, when I saw her I figured-"
"Why do you even bother?" He groaned. "I can clearly see you're lying, just tell me."
"I heard you on the phone with your mom one night." I sighed, leaning over and covering my face, composing myself once more. It was so difficult.
"So?"
"So. She was telling you about how she wanted you with Claire. And it made me realize she was right,"
He glared, not particularly at me, but angry at this stupid situation. "Why the fuck are you listening to my mom? She doesn't know what's good for me,"
"Really, she was right about it," I repeated. "I don't work, I'll only make things harder for you."
Charlie's eyes turned sweet and full of sympathy, he came over to sit by me as he spoke with an understanding tone, the one that made me want to snuggle into his chest and listen to the rumble of his voice as he spoke comforting words to me. "Diana, you're eighteen years old. I don't expect you to work, you're still in high school." He took my face in his sweet and warm hands. "I don't care about any of that, I don't care that Claire's a doctor. I don't care about money. The only time I worried about money was when I just gave you an old book for Christmas."
I smiled sadly. "I love it." I said in honesty, and he dropped his hands, looking down a little.
"But Andy got you a necklace." He said shyly.
I sighed and took his hand at that in his lap, "You know I don't care about glamour. I didn't ask for anything from him, I didn't even want it." I sighed. "To be honest, I don't wear jewelry."
He huffed. "That's not the point."
We were quiet for a while and I should've said something to save myself from the painfully painful questions he kept shooting at me. "There's something else." He said knowingly.
I shook my head and began to get frustrated, "Stop doing this," He demanded.
"It's stupid," I pleaded with a sudden childish blush, not wanting to say it.
"I don't care."
"It's dumb and it makes me look like a fool," I said, feeling so childish. "And cliché."
"Oh my god, I didn't bring you here so you could talk about Andy Carl and then leave, I don't fucking care if it's dumb. Tell me-"
"I love you, Charlie." I said loud and miserably. I felt my lip quiver, and I didn't want to cry again. My eyes were so swollen from sobbing earlier I didn't want to ruin myself. He stared back at me, not seeming to understand. I couldn't exactly tell either if he was looking at me and wondering why that was important, or just looking at me in shock. I couldn't tell. "And you don't believe in it." I began to cry. "You said so yourself." Remembering how I wanted to cry in his arms, but couldn't because he would know. Now he knew.
"What-"
"I wondered why I stayed with someone who only thought of us as fun, and me being the only idiot who was in love- me being the only idiot who wanted more than some fun relationship. How could I be with you knowing you'll never love me back?" I sobbed out, and he just looked back at me. It was obvious he didn't know how to respond, he had never been in a position we both were in at that moment, but I had to get it out, even if it hurt.
He grabbed me tight. "No no no, no, don't cry." He continued to use that sweet tone. I kept crying anyway, doing what I've wanted to do for a while, and cried in his chest. I let him comfort me like I wanted the day he technically told me he didn't love me back.
It was obvious as well how this just took him by complete surprise, because to him that conversation was nothing. He probably wouldn't ever had remembered it if I hadn't brought it up, and I could tell for a split second he didn't know what I was talking about. That also bothered me, how it didn't mean anything to him and it meant everything for me. It changed everything for me.
After I seemed to calm, he looked back at me. "That's why you left me?" He asked incredulously.
I nodded.
That was why I left him.
He sighed deeply, staring back at me with those sweet and warm eyes. "Oh, Diana." He breathed out, making my name sound so beautiful coming from him. "I don't know what love is," He began. "I didn't have a father who fawned over how in love he was with my mother," He ran his hand through my hair and spoke tenderly, "I didn't have older brothers to talk about how my parents looked at each other. I didn't have parents who loved each other."
Charlie pressed his forehead to mine and closed his eyes. "I don't know anything about this," He said in honesty. "But if love is never wanting you to leave, and wanting to wake up to you every single morning of my life, if it's feeling like there's no reason to live without you with me," He opened his eyes and looked back at me, and his eyes were back to that fiery passion and warmth I had fallen in love with in the beginning. "Then I'm in love with you, Diana."