So tell me what's in your mind
And don't forget your paracetamol smile
Yoongi stays quiet as Jihoon counts the money Yoongi gave him. He takes his sweet time, counting deliberately slowly, often stopping to pretend to do some calculations. Yoongi was tapping his foot angrily, his arms crossed over his chest and his head tilted to the side.
"Ah, adds up." Jihoon says after what feels like forever. He sets aside a sum of money for Yoongi and rolls it up, tying it up with a rubber band. "Remember these rubber bands? When we were together and we tried to get clean, we would wear these and hit ourselves with them whenever we felt a craving. Never worked," Jihoon chuckled softly as he threw the wad of cash up and down.
Yoongi shot his hand out and grabbed the money, pocketing it. "That's enough."
Yoongi hasn't seen Jimin for two weeks.
Taehyung wasn't lying when he said that his father was keeping him on an extremely tight leash. Tae was at least there to pass messages back and forth between the two of them, but it wasn't easy when Yoongi couldn't see his Mochi's face. Taehyung let Jimin call Yoongi from his phone when they were at school, but they could never truly talk about how they were feeling. They knew they needed actual face-to-face time together, and they needed lots of time in order to truly convey how they were feeling.
In the mean time, Yoongi has been writing a lot of poems, composing a lot of songs, working at the café, and even kept himself busy with dealing. Jihoon at least gave him the easy jobs: rich socialites and stupid teenagers, nothing hard-core. Yoongi's cold demeanour made the job easy, but his soft personality sometimes clashed. He's had trouble with a teenager before, who reminded him so much of himself, that Yoongi had cried himself to sleep that night after getting the kid a meal and booking him into the state rehab. He also didn't deal hard drugs, mostly weed. He knew that anything harder would cause himself to feel bad cravings.
He hasn't been eating well these days at all and cries a lot. How would he admit to Jimin that he's been dealing again? He was so stupid when he agreed to do it. However, he had chosen to do so because he needed the money for his mom. If he told Jimin that, then Jimin would understand. Shit, Yoongi was going to be in so much fucking shit when he and Jimin see each other again.
He's been hiding everything, and allowing it to build up, and he misses Jimin so much, and he was so sexually frustrated (that last time had woken up his sexual drive again), that he just wanted to fuck Jimin until he screams out daddy-
"I don't want to deal anymore," Yoongi said with his cold, hard voice. Jihoon looked at him amusedly, like he didn't believe him for a single second.
"Is that so?" Jihoon didn't look convinced at all, like the entire idea was a big joke. "Yoongi, you don't have enough yet. Your mom needs you."
"Like you'd fucking know what it means to need somebody. All you ever think about is yourself," Yoongi was about to turn and walk off, but Jihoon grabbed his wrist to stop him. Jihoon was built bigger than Yoongi, and he knew this. He tried to break free from his grasp, but Jihoon held on tight. This annoyed Yoongi and he turned to face him.
"I do know what it means to need somebody," Jihoon said. "I need you, Min Yoongi."
"I need you, Min Yoongi. Please, stay, don't leave," Jihoon begged as he held unto Yoongi's legs. Yoongi tried to kick him off, but it was to no avail. The elder was stronger, and heavily drugged, whereas Yoongi was frail and suffering withdrawals from having decided to go cold-turkey.
"Leave me, Jihoon," Yoongi tried to push him off, but Jihoon only managed to pull Yoongi down. Yoongi was pinned to the cold ground as Jihoon got on him, pushing his legs apart in the process. He attached his lips to Yoongi's neck, and Yoongi had to fight tears as Jihoon sucked on a dark purple hickey. "Jihoon, stop," Yoongi said softly, the tears running down his cheeks at how pathetic and desperate Jihoon was acting. He's never seen Jihoon act this way. Jihoon has never been this weak before.
Jihoon refused as he started unbuttoning his own shirt before taking Yoongi's hands and putting them on his chest. He held the younger's hands over his heart, allowing him to feel his heartbeat. "Yoongi, if it hadn't been for you, my heart would have stopped beating a long time ago. My heart belongs to you, please don't leave," he whispered, his eyelids wet with tears.
The world around them seemed pitch black and empty and endless.
"Jihoon, I can't use any more. My hyung... I can't do this to him any more. Hoseok has come clean, so why can't I?" Yoongi took his hands away and started rebuttoning the shirt up, Jihoon looking at him with that desperate look. "I can't run away from this anymore, Jihoon. No matter how hard I try, my dreams are empty. It's like I'm losing track, just a fool running in circles."
Jihoon sniffed and looked at Yoongi, his pupils the size of needle points. "That's like the song you wrote...Run, is it's name?" He smiled gently, leaning down to press his forehead against Yoongi's. "I've never been this weak and desperate before, Yoongi. Please, stay, help me."
"We've had this dance before, Jihoon. We try to become clean, and it never works. We try to love each other, and it always ends up hurting. I can't help you, unless I help myself first." Yoongi was cut off by Jihoon's lips pressing against his. His eyes fell shut, the familiar after-taste of marijuana smoke on his tongue. He got lost in the kiss as he chased that taste.
God, he mixed his drugs. Pinpoint pupils wouldn't be caused by weed. What else did Jihoon use?
"One more hit, then we both become clean," Jihoon whispered. "We go to that rehab, the nice one? We go, and we become clean. We can date like normal people afterwards. You can finish school, and we can go study together. Get a job, get married. White-picket fences and golden-retrievers and barbecues on Sundays..." Jihoon traced kisses down Yoongi's neck, and Yoongi's breathing hitched as the tears started rolling down his cheeks in rivulets.
"Okay...one more hit."
Yoongi doesn't remember much after that last time.
He barely remembers breaking up with Jihoon and becoming clean, but he blames that on the intense withdrawals he had to experience in those days. Did he end up going to the rehab? Probably not, because then Jihoon would have gone as well. Well, Jihoon wasn't using hard drugs anymore, so maybe he did go?
"You don't need me. You need someone to make you feel worth it. You have deep issues, Jihoon. I'm not here to fix that."
"Then what the fuck is the difference between you and I? Like Jimin isn't the same to you."
He shouldn't have said that.
And he knew that.
As soon as he said that, Yoongi stepped over to try and pick him up by his collar, but he evaded him efficiently. Yoongi wasn't very violent, and he only punched Jihoon before because he treaded on unholy ground. And now, once more, he was stupid enough to tread there again.
"You have no right to talk about Jimin, you little shit. He isn't the same. I love him, and I'm trying my best with him. I'm clean, unlike you, and I'm not using him to fix me. I'm fixing myself, because relying on other people to fix me won't help." Yoongi kept walking towards Jihoon, until he was backed up against the wall, and for once Jihoon, who had almost twice as much muscle as Yoongi, was scared of the smaller man. Yoongi wasn't speaking in a harsh tone, or a loud voice, but the look in his eyes was what scared Jihoon the most.
"Yoongi, you're a mess. You don't know how to handle your emotions while you're sober." Jihoon reached out to hold his hand against Yoongi's cheek, but Yoongi didn't budge. "You're not having any of it, are you?" Jihoon asked softly, and Yoongi nodded.
"I'm done, Jihoon. If you really do love me, or whatever you feel for me, you'll let me go and be happy." Yoongi didn't dare to look Jihoon in the eye, because, if he did, he would see the same expression he saw all those months ago when Jihoon had begged him to stay. He took his hand away from his cheek and held it between his own hands for a second, wondering if he and Jihoon would ever have worked out if either of them had become sober together.
"Would we have ever worked?" Jihoon seemed to read Yoongi's mind, allowing the small gesture of affection to wash over him.
"No..." Yoongi says softly, letting go of Jihoon's hand and brushing past him. "Will I ever get rid of you? And these lingering feelings?"
Jihoon looked at Yoongi's back as he picked up his backpack, slinging it over his shoulder. "Probably one day, when you're so sober and so in love that you forget how it felt to be with me." Jihoon wondered if some of the scars he created on Yoongi's body had healed, or if the scars on his soul still throbbed as painfully as the scars on his own soul.
"That's contradictory. You can't be sober and in love at the same time. Love is it's own kind of high." Yoongi looked over his shoulder at Jihoon one more time before allowing the last pulse of pain to shoot through his heart. He smiled a half-smirk. "See you, Jihoon."
"See you, Yoongi. Good luck with breaking the news to your lover boy. If you don't, I will." Jihoon said the last part louder as Yoongi exited, knowing that the next few days weren't going to be easy.
But Jimin was worth it.